I guess I have been lucky in the driving area. I have been doing just about all the driving since last year. DH just drove to the Barber shop about 1 mile away. Last month when he was going he asked where the windshield wiper control was on the car, he has also gotten confused about the car keys and other controls. I asked him if he wanted me to take him and he agreed. Last Friday it was hair cut day again and I thought he would have changed his mind about me driving but he hadn't! So I guess I am now the one and only driver.
It does make it a lot easier when our DH doesn't object to not driving. Lately tho, when ever we head for the car, he always ask if I'm driving. I just answer "yes". He hasn't driven for over two years but I'm sure if somebody asked him if he drove, he would tell them that he did. I've noticed that some just don't want to admit that they can't do things. He knows there is something wrong with him but he doesn't want to discuss it at all. He always tells me that I'm a good driver so that makes both of us happy.
My husband no longer drives either but his drivers license is still valid. I haven't had any trouble with him wanting to drive. We only have one car now and this one was given to us by my grandmother when she quit driving. He has never driven this car and I think that has helped as he does not consider it his car. He calls it my car (meaning me). Just to be on the safe side though I do not keep the keys anywhere he can get to.
I do not know what to do next. Today DH took the DPS behind the wheel test and PASSED. As I said before, in Texas if you can breathe you can legally drive. I will not turn him in to our insurance agent. If the state says he can drive, you better believe the man is going to drive – and it better be with some insurance.
I am devastated and feel literally kicked to the curb. There is nowhere else for me to turn.
There is usually a difference in a medical condition that makes driving unsafe versus a driver that can pass the test, for example a person with seizures that are not controlled may be a driving risk although they can pass a driving test. My DH discovered he needed a medical form filled out when we moved to a new state, so he said he would just keep his current, out of state license. I was able to report him to that state as medically unsafe. They sent him paperwork and said that the forms needed to be filled out by his dr. within a certain time frame or his license was revoked. He eventually decided to get the state id.
Thanks, PatB, but that is what I've already done. I am the reporting person (for medical condition) and the DPS procedure is 1) vision test - PASSED, 2) written test - PASSED, 3) behind the wheel test - PASSED, 4) referral to the medical board - PROCESS STARTED TODAY.
With the total joke that is DPS in regards to licensing drivers, I expect no help from the medical board. With the doctor having refused to support the driving evaluation results and instead referring DH to this DPS charade I don't expect much support there when they get the papers to fill out.
This is truly a travesty and I am helpless to do a DAMN thing about it.
well weejun, two things. one the state is validating he can drive. make SURE you have that in writing for future reference. and the officers name who passed him and when you visited the dr about his driving concerns.- at least if he has an accident you did what you could to get him off the road. you can prove you turned him in. now we know the executive functions are affected so we dont know how he would respond to emergencies. i would not ride with him but drive yourself if there is the opportunity. sorry it turned out so negatively nor helped you any! divvi
I agree with divvi, at least have all the information to back up that you have tried to prevent him from driving. Is there any way you could have someone send a letter to him stating that the DMV had reconsidered his application to drive & decided it wasn't safe for him or others. I am so sorry you received no help from authorities who should know better.
It's a question of freedom, Jeanette. Texans don't want guv'mnt telling them what to do. They have a right to drive, drink, tote guns, and give the Rebel Yell whenever they want to! (I'm a Texan by birth and heritage)
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that happened to you, weejun. Dotors just don't seem to realize they MUST take a stand instead of worrying about being the bad guy.
I understand freedoms, but driving is not a right. What about the other people on the road...do they not have freedoms? Freedom to not have an impaired driver behind the wheel. I am not naive enough to believe that we can keep all unqualified drivers off the road, but when a family member knows that someone should not be driving, I think common sense and morals should take precedence over individual freedoms or fear of retribution that the driver might get upset and mad.
I don't think the "powers that be" would be willing to step up to the plate and accept responsibility if the worst were to happen. I am sure somewhere in the paperwork is a statement that absolves them from any and all harm that could occur.
Jeanette, we have more drivers and worst roads. In a recent survey of the worst highways/freeways in the USA, three of the top ten were in the Houston Tx. area. We have many uninsured drivers from Mexico who cannot read English signs, - and probably many citizens with the same problems. I rarely leave home without seeing a wreck of sometime while I am out. The term "Houston drivers" sends shivers up the back of thousands. It's too bad the standard driving test does not have a method to grade 'reaction' time and problem solving ability when faced with squeeling brakes, bad road conditions and/or weather. Just one more worry for us to deal with.
Sandi - I have always been told that driving is privilege that is earned - not automatically granted. It is earned by passing the driver's test and driving responsibly and following the law. Those who don't, don't drive safely, refuse to follow the law should loose the priviledge to drive.
Charlotte, the problem seems to be that no one wants to be the one who has to "pull the plug" on a driver. Look at the drunk drivers who are still on the road. I remember when my husband, as part of his cognitive testing, was put thru the driving examination. What a joke that was....the lady who was in the car with him didn't look or act like she was qualifed to drive let alone test someone else's driving abilities...LOL! He couldn't even find his way to and from the restroom during the cognitive testing but she "passed" him on the driving test...but, she said that he had some problems getting into the correct lane to execute a turn. What a crock....well, I still took the keys away.
So, I suppose we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
Nancy, good point. There should be something set up like a video game and the person being tested should have to maneuver the "car" through all those potential hazards. Wow, you may have something there.....
I remember back when I was taking drivers ed many, many years ago the school had these practice driving machines. They would test us on our reaction time to situations that came up and how we handled it. They should have those as part of the retesting. Of course, more than just AD drivers would have problems passing on it.
Sandi - where DUI comes in, too many people could care less if they have a license or not. We hear all the time of these people with suspended/revoked licenses causing deadly accidents. When I worked at a motel in Oregon (a state which didn't care if they were legal or not would still issue licenses) I learned first hand the blatant disregard the Mexicans have for our laws. They would get insurance long enough to get their car tags renewed then cancel. If caught, they would just get it again, show the courts proof, then cancel. To be fair, it is not just them that play that game.
We know DUI, how about DWD (Driving with Dementia) Most of us have read about the horrible accidents in Florida where some 90 year old plus retiree leaves the road and runs over people waiting at a bus stop, or in a market. Recently, in Savannah, GA, a man drove his car through a saw-horse barrier and into an active parade route and hit a bunch of band kids. He too was an elderly driver and when he saw the barrier, he said he "must have" stepped on the gas instead of the brakes.
The law needs to address this issue. Seriously. One always reads, "They held valid drivers' licenses".
Please will someone tell me what is the criteria for saying "no more driving" I know I will have problems with DH.Right now he won't drive alone(like he'll go anywhere alone) or let me go alone.If I do make a comment about his driving he will often pull over and angrily tell me to drive,then I have to put up with a bad mood for hours.But I know the driving will soon have to stop.Help!
yhouniey - that is a good sign he is ready to take the keys away: irrational behavior. It also may be he realizes at some level he is driving badly and this contributes to his reaction. My hb sees his neuro every months and that is one question she asks about - his driving. So far I have not witnessed anything to cause concern, but I am watching. He drives offensively leaving room, reacts quickly to changes, etc. I would write up these behaviors and get them to his doctor before the next visit or give to the nurse at check in. then let the doctor be the bad guy.
You can see by the length of this discussion, that the driving issue is a BIG ONE. It's probably too much to go back and read all of the comments, so I will try to summarize.
1.The laws in all States are different, so contact the highest level person you can find in the Stage Capital who handles driving laws. Some States pull the license upon diagnosis. Others have all sorts of convoluted laws and requirements. Don't bother with the local DMV - they're useless - anyone who isn't in the later stages of AD can pass their driving test.
2.Keep a log of the incidents you feel are signs that he should not be driving, and bring them up with the doctor. Some doctors are insistent on pulling the license; others are whimpy about it and don't want to be the bad guy.
3.Contact your insurance company. They also have rules about driving with dementia. They may not insure him. You are totally libel for everything he does in the car once a dementia diagnosis is made.
4. In the end, the decision may be in your hands. It was in mine. He passed the driving test. His mini-mental score indicated he could drive, and the doctor was too whimpy to say no to the driving. He left it up to me. Well, I was the one who was in the car with him when he lost focus, and couldn't stay within the lines. I was in the car with him when he lost his temper in an emergency. I was the one who was in the car with him when he forgot to signal that he was changing lanes, and almost got us into an accident TWICE. I was the one in the car with him when he forgot about the blind spot, and only relied on his side mirrors, not turning his head, to see if cars were coming up on the left, before he pulled into the left lane. And I was the one who stopped the driving. I paid a very high price for it - his rages almost sent me into cardiac arrest (Type "driving" into the search engine on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - under the "previous blog" section).
Oh, and by the way, NONE OF US know how to drive according to our husbands. My friend is married to a former State Trooper ( He has FTD). She says try being the sole driver when a State Trooper is sitting in the passenger seat. Not fun.
I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this issue.
Having been in a similar situation as Joan has described, I also had to play 'mean cop' to get my wife to stop driving last summer. It helped to have my support group really come down hard on me to get Clare to stop driving ... and I used that support group's pressure, repeating to Clare what my group members had said. Being more rational back then, Clare finally agreed and she stopped driving. Fast forward to the present ... now Clare is telling me that she thinks she made a mistake by 'voluntarily' giving up driving, that others in HER support group are still driving, and that now SHE wants to start driving again. We are having arguments over this issue every few days now, but the bottom line will not change: She will NOT drive anymore because I simply cannot and will not let her drive anymore. She says she will only do short 'local driving' but that still means driving past schools, a library, etc. Besides, her judgment and fogginess is so poor now that not even I would not want to be in the street if she were driving!! It's tough ... many would say the toughest single issue that comes up when dealing with an AD spouse ... but driving means placing oneself behind the wheel of a potential killing machine. We simply cannot let that happen if we know our AD spouses are impaired and subject to causing injury or even death to themselves or others. It's hard to take all the verbal abuse and anger that comes when denying our AD spouses the keys to the car ... I know firsthand ... but it's something we MUST do to protect both our AD spouses AND the innocent public!
I let my dh's licnese run out in December. It's still in his wallet but he has never looked at the date. The keys to his car have "mysteriously" diappeared, but even before they did I gradually took over the driving and got him used to going everywhere in my car. His lovely blue Prius, with airco and navigation, sitting under the car port all winter while my little jalopy was out collecting ice and snow and using more gas with less comfort -- but I was just so glad that he seemed to accept the fact that since the keys were gone, he couldn't drive. But we never talked about it.
Now I'm getting up courage to sell the Prius, but it's in his name, so he'll have to sign for it.
I let him keep on driving far too long, when I knew in my heart he wouldn't be able to react well to an unexpected situation. The last straw was when he started taking wrong turns in spite of my direction. There is no way I'll ever let him drive again.
The last time my DH drove without me in the car he managed to scrape it! Of course it wasn't his fault! Every now and then he says he can drive...just the other day I reminded him about scraping my car the last time he drove. He remembered so I hope that will end that conversation. The only times he brings it up is if I have an eye appointment and will need someone to drive me home. I had an appointment last week for a check up after having surgery to stop my bottom lids from rolling in. I found out I have astigmatism and the doctor wants me to have Laser surgery. First it isn't covered by Medicare and second it is over $2,000.00 for each eye. The main thing stopping me is I would need someone to drive me home. I hate asking people for anything!
Jean, why would the doctor say you have to have laser surgery (other than the money he gets)? I have astigmatism and wear glasses to correct it. Many people do.
Jean, I also would like to know why he wants you to have laser surgery. I have astigmatism also, and wear glasses to correct it. The thought of having a laser on my eyes gives me goosebumps. I have friends who have had laser surgery and love the results but the cost and the idea of the lasers stops me.
The driving issue finally got solved by the fact that "I needed the experience. " and I've been getting it. he started out, of course, telling me what to do, but now he says I've gotte very good. But he automatically gets into the passinger seat, it's probably been almost a year, but i'm afraid to say it's over. just last night he told me he needs to start drivig again, or he'll forget how. right...
For those of you who have been following my blogs and this driving discussion for the last two years, you are well aware of the Hell my husband put us both through related to the driving. If I live to be 100 (without developing AD) I will NEVER forget any of it. Not one single incident. (For those who are new, you can find it all in the 2008 blogs.)Guess what? He has already forgotten his screaming, raging, crying, verbal abuse - everything. He is still miserable about not driving, but he's not raging about it anymore, and he can't understand why I don't find his references to "getting his license back" one bit funny. Not one single bit funny. Not after what he put me and every social worker, psychiatrist, psychologist, and friend within 500 miles of here, through for 18 months. I'd probably be better off if my memory of it were wiped out too.
I've been doing all the driving for the past 2-1/2 years and yesterday, while in the car with me, he asked if I would like him to drive. I said, "No, you can't drive anymore." "Why can't I?", he said. I had to go through all the explaining. Then, he stated, "There's nothing wrong with me or my memory." I was dumbfounded and just changed the subject. "
I finally sold his Prius. It was sitting unused under the car port all winter while my little jalopy (the car that we were actually using) was out in the ice and snow. I waited a long time (he hasn't driven since August) since he was so attached to the car, but when he told some friends that the car had never worked I decided the time had come to sell. I didn't want any hassle so I didn't put it on the market myself but sold it to the Toyota dealer who gave me a price that wasn't what I had hoped for, but decent. He hardly noticed, only asked once where it was. I said it was at the garage because it didn't work. (That was true, the battery was dead, and it WAS at the garage). However I'm still not confident enough to rent a car during our upcoming trip to the states. Son and DIL will have to drive us everywhere (their van is big enough to hold their whole family plus us). I'm afraid that dh would think the rental care was his to drive, and that would be a disaster.
I said on another post that last year I just said I needed to practice more..he bought it and is happy to let me do it. Every now and again he will say he can go get something and I then remind him the doctors don't want him to anymore because of his various health conditions and when he asks what ones, I just tell him he had a TIA and they don't feel good about that risk factor, I don't remind him about the AD. He is somewhat aware of this and will say, sadly, don't remind me of that.... I also keep the keys...all the keys,,,to the safe etc so he can't get a hankering to check out his classic historic weapons, there are not bullets but still...out of sight has been out of mind which has been good. His KBar is also locked up.
About three years ago my DW got lost and confused when driving to the local grocery store only a few miles from home. I just told her that her doctor said she should not drive anymore. It was not much of a problem to get her to stop as I did most of the driving anyway. Last month I decided that I should remove her from our auto insurance policy and figured that I would probable save some money too as I would be the only driver for our two cars and motor home. Figured wrong! The insurance company raised my rate due to loosing the multi driver discount.
When my dh stopped driving a few years ago, I asked our Agent about the Vehicle Insurance because we also had 2 vehicles and one driver. He knew my dh was no longer driving and he said to just leave him on the policy, which I did. He said whenever you make any kind of changes, it raises a red-flag. Of course, I live in a semi-rural area where we know the Insurance Agent personally.
Jerry - I was reading this thread, because my wife's bible study reported she almost had an accident, & was researching how to deal with the issue. We too had Hartford through AARP for all our insuance, cars, houses, liability. I got a quote through a local agent, who represents Travelers. We saved $1,500 a year with Travelers!
Even though DH has not driven in 4 years, he still had his drivers license, which is expiring in a couple of weeks. So, this morning I told him we had to go to the courthouse and get a new picture ID for him, since his DL would not be any good. I worried that it might present some issues, but he did fine, and was very happy with the picture ID! I made copies for me and to put in the car, etc. and gave him the original for his wallet, so he's a happy camper today!
Yesterday I went to a seminar sponsored by the Alzheimer's Association. The topic of driving came up. The lady running the seminar for the Alzheimer's Association said that her grandmother had been diagnosed with dementia, but kept driving. She eventually caused an accident. The injured party sued her adult children, because they knew she had dementia and let her keep driving! If I got the story right, the injured party won a judgment against the adult children. (I'm still not sure how a child is supposed to stop a parent who they have no legal control over. I guess they were supposed to have gotten a guardianship.) Anyway, I thought this was information that needed to be shared.
Note – in the seminar, they said that 42% of Alzheimer's patients don't stop driving until after they have an accident. That sounds like an awful lot of legal liability for somebody--most likely us, as caregivers.
scary. yet that being said about the adult children, imagine how vulnerable and what a target the spouse is when they dont stop the other AD spouse from driving. hardly a contest if it goes to court. we keep preaching how important it is to take the keys earlier than later. divvi
Last year the dr. told my dh to let me do the driving. He can still handle a car but can't process road sign info or be as alert as needed. He hasn't complained about that. I do let him back car out of garage and put it back in "properly". When we go somewhere, I still remind him about taking his keys and wallet. Dr. also gave me the address of state dept. to contact about his condition and they would contact him about taking an exam. I never called. Anything written he would fail miserably. Eye test he would pass. If he were stopped, he could never express himself properly. They would think he had been drinking. Hope he doesn't decide he should drive again. Driving can be a very difficult thing....loss of independence is hard.