chris, divvi has given you good advise. I ran into an old friend the other day who told me her husband attack her in busy traffic when she was driving. I have not had that problem. DH has not driven in years and so far has shown no violent tendencies.
On that same note from Divvi and Bama, make sure the child lock is in place on the rear doors so that they can't open the doors while the car is moving, or scoot out before you can get to them. Remember, they are 2 year olds in 6 foot bodies. Treat them as you would your spouse, remembering that there is a toddler inside at the same time.
My husband is weaker and can't get in and out of the car on his own, so he waits for me to help him now. It isn't a problem for me any more. <sigh>
Yes, the doc gave me seroquel, and it makes him sleepy and dizzy, but i gave him some anyway, because I can't deal with the rages. I have a call into the doc and we have an appt the 4th, hopefully to get something better.
Stay with it chris r-- we went through several meds to find the right one for my DH when we had to change from his Tegretol. These meds just don't work the same for everyone. Seroquel made my DH sleep, Zeprexia was like giving him water. Risperdal was wonderful for the issues, but caused muscle stiffness and joint pain that still plagues him. We ended up with Geodon--but even then he has a limited dose--40 mgs midday and 80 at night. I was told standard is 80 in am and 80 in pm. We tried that and the agitation and confusion increase; same is true if we cut it to just the 80 at night.
Our salvation has been trazadone. Seroquel zonked him out. Agitation gone, and sleeps all night - 12 hours and is stiff in the morning but that's ok compared to the other stuff.
Trazadone hypered my DH. Up and down like a yo-yo day and night. First time I reported it, the Dr. said increase (double) the dose. I questioned the advisability of that, and he reversed himself and said take him off it. Have found med that calms him and he can go to sleep on his own.
These meds are just like Alz patients--if you've seen one, you've seen one. if you try one, you try one. and maybe another....)
DH has been calling his PCP nearly daily complaining about this driving issue. He made an appt for 9/1 to go in and "get this driving issue resolved". Boy is DH ever going to be disappointed. Today he said I had better get ready for tomorrow because he was going to be using the car! He doesn't have a key so I'm not too worried. I got rid of second vehicle (my beloved truck -- this IS Texas, after all) and that only made him more livid. He's forbidden me to use the car -- says it is his car. He rants and raves on this topic daily -- how Joan survived it I'll never know. He is so angry at me all the time -- whether about the driving issue or something else. This is a very weary time. Hang in there Chrisr, we'll survive. I'm taking carosi's list with me to dr on 9/1 to see if we can get some meds to help.
While my DH was in better shape to communicate - I told him that the doctors and my support group leader had all suggested that he stop driving. (The main point that my support leader keeps driving home is that if our LO is in an accident and would have to go to court and testify - even if it were totally not their fault - how in the world would they be able to logically repeat the steps of the accident, etc ? - not to mention lawsuits if the driver at fault is found to have AD. However, since we do what we can to preserve their dignity - I suggested that while I drive, he can "tell me where to go". Believe it or not, his sense of direction is still pretty good. We will be on I-35 heading to Austin and he will tell me what exit to take. I continually thank him for his help and remind him that we are still a team - I am behind the wheel and he reminds me of the route. Since we have a NAV system - it is pretty hard to get lost :) He does like to tell me to get in the right hand lane. I have always liked driving in the left lane - probably goes back to growing up in MI where it seems like everyone drove in the left lane.
former soulmate, if you would like to meet, let me know on this thread and I will send you my email. We are just west of Gtown and I go there a lot. Maybe we could meet for lunch at Laurie's.
I am one step closer to getting my DH not to drive. His car broke down and he had it taken to a garage and they said it would cost 200 dollars to fix it and that there were a lot of other things wrong with it so I reminded him of the fact that he always said that if the repairs of the car were going to be more than the car is worth then we should just junk it. The tow truck person also said that the car was dangerous( a 1990 Nissan Sentra). So this week we junked his car. He still wants to drive mine on occasion but I am definatly driving him around more than I use to (Yippee)
Dh always thinks I drive too fast. I realize he's feeling unsafe, so I just say OK and then i try to slow down. I too thank him for his help and direction while driving. I've been parking my car behind his (instead of beside it) in the driveway so he could never get out without my knowing it. This used to infuriate him but now he doesn't mention it. Another step in the right direction. Also the keys to his car are hidden and he has not even asked for them. The Prius uses an electronic key that you only have to have in your purse/pocket and not stick in anywhere, so DH tells everyone that this car does not require a key to drive. He knows that you need the "key" to lock and unlock it so I leave the car unlocked on the driveway so that this question does not come up. We're lucky that we don't need to drive often. Do everything by bike or public transport or get someone to pick us up. Also I've been avoiding accepting invitations or arranging for anything that would require driving. Maybe we can do these things again later after he's accepted me as THE driver.
My DH is teaching me to drive. Fact that I've been driving for 40 yrs is not relevent. no one ever let me drive before (we've been married for 32 yrs) and now he's such a nice guy, he's 'letting ' me drive. Except he knows no that his license has been revoked. so... I don't know what's going to happen the next time we get in the car. tonite we are going to see some friends for dinner. i was hoping we'd go out, so they could drive, but, we're going to their home, so I'll drive, and this week has been awful with the rages. for those of you who read my previous posts, I am occasionally giving him pudding with just a little seroquel at least til we get to the doctor. I couldn't stand the rants and rages. I'm not good with confrontation.
OK, so I'm going to our friends alone, because i am the worse person in the world, I took his license away. he was so nice, he let me drive all this time and all he got was this, that I took his license away. so he's not going to dinner tonite. Well, ordinarily, I would call and say.... he's not feeling well, or whatever, but not tonite, I'm going. I need to get out, I need some company, i need to get away from this. so I'm going to dinner. I'll leave him a sandwich.
Ok, amazingly, at the last minute, when he knew I was going without him, he came, and behaved surprisingly well. no outbursts, Well, today is another day
When Dh refuses to go somewhere I always say I'm going alone, and then he usually relents. HATES to stay home alone. I exagerate the time he will have to spend and the boring things he will have to eat. Works for me.
Chris, just catching up here, but I'm so glad you stuck to your guns about going out, without your DH if that was his choice, and that everything worked out. I know you've been having a really tough time with the driving, on top of having been so sick recently. Sending you multiple ((((((hugs))))))
Thank you all. actually, almost the same thing happened again yesterday. we were to go to my son's. they just came back from vacation. So he wasn't going and again, I said, you don't have to, I'm going... Lo and behold, he got out of bed, dressed and off he came. And was delightful too. But before we went he made sure to tell me that he will never forgive me for taking away his life...(driving) It's so sad, and so emasculating for them to have this happen. I truly understand, but the safety ov not only us, but everyone on the road is at stake. it's just so heartbraking. He said... you took away from me the one thing I enjoyed, and I was good at. Couldn't it break yur heart.
The driving saga continues: DH’s PCP referred him to a driving evaluation program in the city and he failed it miserably. Report said he should not drive. DH has been ticked off about that for weeks and kept calling his PCP. Finally set up an appointment with PCP to “get this driving issue straightened out”. PCP really disappointed me – he got all wishy-washy with DH. Instead of being supportive of evaluation results he ended up telling DH he was probably going to be turned in to the dept of public safety so why didn’t he just go over on his own and take their test. Arrrrggghhhh. Here we go again. I got it scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I swear if by some fluke he passes I think I’m just gonna hand him the keys and call myself a cab to take me to the airport!!
DH's license expires in December; he just got a notice, but doesn't look at the mail anymore, so I tucked it away. I think I'll just let it expire and somehow get rid of his car by that time. Right now things are very quiet, he never tries to drive but I'm afraid he will wake up and get very upset if the car suddenly disappears.
They just don't get it, they're reason button is broken. I've just gone thru weeks of horriblesness. so bad I hate to wake him in the morning. Then, after telling me he will never forgive me, next day he's sweet and loving, and nice. Today, we are going to my DD's, and hour from here. I dread putting him in the car, afraid it'll start all over again. maybe I slip him some pudding this morning to take the edge off, and he'll sleep in the car.
weejun, that's a real bummer. We need all the help we can get with the driving issue and your doctor fails to support you after sending your DH for the evaluation. I don't blame you for being upset. Here's hoping he flunks badly tomorrow.
Somewhere way back on this topic I told of similar treatment by the Dr. He'd tell me DH couldn't drive, then tell him he had to get well enough and then he could be tested to get his license back. He wrote the prescription for the testing, then wrote the medical report that is one part of the evaluation. The fact the diagnosis of dementia is state is a big RED FLAG that triggers the denial. Because of unusual scheduling circumstances, the medical report hit the file before he did the OT evaluation, both of which have to be okay inorder to do the road test. If we'd done those we'd have had a bill of $490 (Senior rate). Passing the testing only says you're capable of driving safely, you still have to go to the Sec. of States Office and do the regular test and procedure to actually get the license. I gues the Dr.s don't want to be "the bad guy". They leave us holding the bag for that job.
I am about to SCREAM. Went to DPS this afternoon. DH took the vision test, passed. Took the written exam, passed. I overheard some guy talking about the written test, said you have to get 21 of 30 questions correct. I'm guessing it was multiple choice but don't know. (Not surprised DH passed it -- he got 30 on the mini-mental in 2008.) They will give him the behind the wheel test on Tuesday. I am now scared to death! What if he passes that??? Surely he won't but at this point I just don't know. The DPS evaluation is not nearly as complex as what he had at the rehab place. I swear if you can breathe the State of Texas will let you drive!
Weejun, once my son was taking the achievement SATs. He planned to take two but could take a third at the same time. So he took HEBREW. He knew not a word of Hebrew, we're not Jewish, DIL who IS hadn't arrived in the picture. He turned the test on its side, and spelled out F..K YOU in the multiple choice answers. And got a score in the 500s. NOTHING is predictable!!
I'm with Weejun. He has dementia. He cannot drive safely.
Different problem, same results--as I've said before, I hve a slowly progressive neuromuscular disease called Charcot-Marie-Tooth (CMT). When I was 24 I learned to drive with handcontrols and did for a number of years. Then I voluntarily stopped. In CMT, the nerves communicating between the brain and muscles stop working, generally because the myelin (think insulation around wiring) is defective with the result that signals can't go through (like a dead short). My reflexes are so slow, I duck after a tossed ball hits me. I can pass a driving test--no problem. Can I safely drive? NO WAY.
It's not responsible thinking to allow our LOs to drive once we know of their impairment. It can be too emotionally and financially devastating if even one accident happens.
Weejun, isn't there a question on the examination sheet that asks if you have had a diagnosis of epilepsy or mental disease? It may not be that blunt, but I seem to recall there was one. I know what you mean about letting anyone drive, but what if they are a danger to themselves and others? Somehow this needs to be addressed in writing in the questionaire prior to testing.
Weejun, i believe you can notify DPS of his upcoming driving skills test and give them his drivers license number and say you are wife and he's been diagnosed with AD- and as his wife you dont want him on the roads whether he passes or not due to lack of judgement. nowdays you don teven have to give your name just be a concerned citizen and turn a risky driver in and let them decide if he will drive or not. and you can notify your insurance carrier and tell them hes got AD. if they cancel him off the policy he wont get insurance anywhere and its a good reason not to drive. gosh, good luck this driving stuff is horrible to deal with! Divvi
I am going to quote something Foster's daughter said to me, .... "I'm so glad I'm not you!"...... I absolutely do not know how I would handle your situation - other than trying to do what Divvi suggested. It would just be my luck that the examiner would say, "I understand your wife called and said you shouldn't be driving, is that correct??" .. "C'mon officer, do me a favor and shoot me with your gun right now. Make it quick!," would be the next words out of my mouth.
Re: driving. ooops. Because my husband cannot walk very well, and we can't go outside and even walk together, we got him an electric wheel chair. OMG. He scratched it on his demo drive...in the doorway. Well, It's for outside walks..so I can get exercise. We live in a quiet gated neighborhood and kids roller skate down the center of the streets..so it will work for the purpose in which it was intended. I can walk - and he can follow. I had to laugh at the fact he cannot get the chair through a 36" wide doorway...(it's 24" wide!) ...Perception problems, .... and we complain because they can't hit the inside of the toilet.
Well, since his reason button is broken, the issue of having insurance probably wouldn't be too important to him at this point. I did tell the DPS officer about the dementia and they are doing an investigation -- just as if somebody else had turned him in. They don't just take the word of whoever turns somebody in. What we are going through now IS the process.
But the officer explained to me that if he passed the vision and written, he HAD to let DH take the behind the wheel. If he passes the BTW, regardless of what I or anybody else say he would be legally able to retain his license and drive. Scary, huh?
I also have to get something in writing from dr saying what his diagnosis is and what the doctor's recommendation is about driving. Wish me luck getting the dr to put in writing what he said months ago to DH. This is just so darn frustrating. I'm all for letting the elderly keep their right to drive but when family and friends believe the person is a threat to themself and the public it shouldn't be so difficult to get the doctor and the DPS to agree!
Yes, Nancy, they do ask if you've had any change in health or a diagnosis/condition that would affect your ability to drive -- and of course, EVERYBODY, including DH, says "no". Lie or not.
Exactly, Nancy, perception is one issue, executive function decision making is another. You would not believe all the things they measured at the rehab place where he had the driving evaluation.
You know -- when you drive you must be aware of the cars to the left, to the right, in front, behind, kids running from between parked cars, the traffice light changing, the emergency vehicle looming ahead, staying in your own lane, monitoring your speed, keeping a safe distance from the vehicle ahead -- all of these things simultaneously -- there is NO WAY that DH can do all of that! But 30 dinky questions on a written test do not evaluate these things. I can only pray that on Tuesday he performs in all his glory and the officer realizes what I already know.
OMG, Weejun, I wonder if there are days when I wouldn't pass the evaluation test........ As I said (about yesterday)..I think I'm losing my ability to do three things at once...as I always have been able to do in the past. Surely, I'm not getting older, am I???
What would be more fair is this: If a husband is diagnosed with AD., the aging process on the wife should STOP... and hold.... till "after". It would be a kind of pay back for the care we give our LO's. Instead, it accelerates. That's not fair, either. Drat.
I had a scary incident happen yesterday that reminded my why I don't want my DH driving. We were on Tx 45 driving about 65 miles per hour and had a blow-out of the left rear tire. There are many steps involved that I KNOW my DH would not have been able to perform: 1) pull over safely at nearest exit 2) find card in glove compartment that has 800 number to call for help 3) find cell phone in purse and call number - going through various menus to talk to right person 4) tell them exactly where you are so they can find you (we don't have Onstar) 5) wait for about 25 minutes (DH was getting very antsy waiting) 6) after tire was changed with "compact" spare - drive to Toyota dealer to get tire repaired - more waiting 7) drive home - DH was very, very tired and ready for nap I suppose I could have changed the tire - I would have 20 years ago - but with the 3 year service that Toyota provides - I prefer to let the "expert" do this for me.
On another note, we recently changed auto insurance companies. DH had to fill out a form since he is older than 70. (I had told them via telephone that he has AD). The agent suggested that I fill out the form at home. Actually, DH is pretty good about filling out forms, but when I asked him if he would like me to, he said "sure". This gave me the opportunity to write on the form for him - I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH AD. I WILL NOT BE DRIVING THE CAR. I DO STILL HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BUT WILL NOT BE DRIVING. I USE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE FOR IDENTIFICATION PURPOSES ONLY. This seemed to solve a lot of issues at once. He can maintain his dignity - still "technically" has his license. And yet, he will not be driving. If he mentions it in the future, I can say that he "promised" the insurance company that he would not drive. My plan is that when his license lapses we will not renew it.
Do you know for sure he won't drive, Former soulmate? Very scary to still have te drivers license. The VA Doctor had my DH 's license revoked by the state. Of course that caused all kinds of hullabaloo, and I'm still dealing with the outcome, but it had to be done. I dont' know that what you've done is actually OK. But we all have to handle things the best way we can. Good luck
We have a Prius and he does not remember how to start the car (keyless entry and power button). At this point he claims that he really likes not having the responsibility of driving. Also he signed the paperwork for the insurance company after reading it carefully. The insurance company has been told loud and clear that he will not be driving. And again, when his license lapses, we will not renew. We all do what we can to make it work. This feels right for me. As an extra precaution, the key fob is never in view. We also have one car only, which helps a lot.