OK, so this is what happened. he woke up in a good mood after his nap yesterday, i made him a nice lunch, and then gave him the lette. He ranted and raved about how hedrove across Africa during WW2, so he was good enough for the Army, I pointed out he was 19 when that happened. He pounded on the table..... etc, etc. I took the dog out, then I went to the drugstore. When I got back I suggested we watch TV in the living room. he dozed off and woke up in a good mood. Maybe he thinks he drempt it. who knows. Anyway, he was pleasant all evening, and this morning when I woke he told me he had been watching me all night to make sure I was OK. He complimented me on having slept well. Thanks. We still have that appt with the geri Psych on Monday. hethinks one of the other doctors, whom he fired after they told him he couldn't drive sent the notice in although it was the geri psych. Everyone else wanted him to take the test which he refused. Meanwhile, I'm falling apart here, and I'm scared to death because I suddenly have double vision. I have an ophthalmologist appt at noon. What the heck is going on.???? could it all be stress.?
Please let us know how you are after your eye appt. Your health is what is most important now.
As for the driving, the ONLY thing that helped me was to let him rant and rave. After months and months and months of battles, screaming, crying, and stress, I just stared at him with a calm, steady look, and let him yell. Then I walked away. It takes the wind out of their sails when you don't fight, argue, or try to reason. I would absolutely let the geri psych handle it.
Joan, I think the walking away works with just about everything they go on about. I am doing that more and more lately. His pet rant right now is the parking outside the condo. There are 7 slots and one end one is handicap parking. If I come home from wherever and the other end one is open, that's where I park. Suddenly, since the parking lot has been re-sealed he has decided that we are going to get in trouble for parking there! When I got home from the store this morning he asked where I had parked and I told him on the end. Again he said we are going to be in trouble. I didn't even answer!
I found this switch that you can easily put on your car to keep it from starting. I don't know how well it would work for someone who still knows their way around a car engine but for anyone who is interested, the link is
Good Thread and as usual I can relate to almost everyone of you. In my case, my wife drove the car thru our neighbors yard (at a pretty good rate of speed) took out some bushes and the mail box, then drove it home (couple of hundred yards) put it in the garage and went in the house. Never even told me about it. Me, and our children, pried the keys out of her grubby little hands with her yelling and screaming at us. That has been several months ago and she is ok with it now.
My kids told me last week that right after we moved here my husband ran into our garage door. He told SIL, who called the garage door people and they came right out. Husband told SIL that I didn't have to know about this.
i'm in the hospital on iv. turns out after mri of brain and spinal tap that 2 of my cranial nerves are affected and i evidently hzve a virus in system. they are attempting iv antivirals while waiting blood results. maybe lime, zoster or herpes among others. dh is with son tomorrow will go to daughter. wants to stay at home alone. cant allow that. he has already forgotten that his license was revoked. i'll probably be here til mon or tue. the have a puter, i only have one hand
My apologies, if anyone is interested. My description of taking the keys from my wife was not well put and it didn't happen that way at all. I was trying to be cute (never was very good at that and ought to quit trying) and made it sound like we had a physical confrontation. It wasn't like that at all. It wasn't easy and she was crying when we tried to explain to her that the dr said that she couldn't drive anymore, but, we actually removed the keys without her knowing it. After we told her she couldn't drive. Later, she protested long and loud for a period of time, but, we accomplished what had to be done.
Thanks to All. I will try to express myself better in the future.
Dean...I liked your first story better. You do a good job expressing yourself. We have to keep our sense of humor or we would never make it through the day.
Dean...I liked your first story better too ... SO STOP EDITING.....I would have responded but just read it now....I thought it was hysterically funny and I need all the laughs I can get it. So please go back to the old Dean...okay?
Just a quick word about what's happened lately. I am still dealing with it, although my DH hasn't driven in over a year. he still thinks he can and it does rear it's ugly head once in a while. it was especially bad recently when I was ill, and couldn't drive. i had to call my son to take me to the doctor and what a ruckus was raised he insisting that he could take care of his own wife, and that I was lying about being ill. the next time I did that, I drove to my church and had my son pick me up there so DH wouldn't know i couldn't drive. Fortunately it was only a block away. another time, when I called my son to drive us (he only lives 1/2 hour away, DH got so crazy that we took a cab to the doctor. Son called daughter who came up from Long Island and met us at the doctor as a surprise. DH never asked how she knew we were there, and took us home. This issue will probably go on forever, even though his license has now been revoked. he forgets that he has no license, even though there is no license in his wallet. It just goes on.
Something similar happened yesterday. My daughter had borrowed DH's car. He has not driven since December and seemed to accept my driving everywhere. I had told him I will drive him wherever he wants to go. Anyway, daughter had a minor problem with his car, rear view mirror fell off. She took it to be repaired and left it at the dealer. I needed a ride to pick it up and my grandson was coming to get me. DH could not understand why we needed the grandson to pick me up. Apparently, he thought he could drive me. When I gently explained that, he seemed very upset and asked if I were always going to drive him everywhere. I had to explain that he hasn't driven since December and I felt it was unsafe for him. He was quiet, but obviously had forgotten that we had already visited this issue. I know he would get lost or worse if he were to drive. I think things are getting more complicated and it worries me.
I don't think DH would get lost if he drove, it's just that his perception and reaction time are not good. Every so often, he wants to try and I let him for a short distance. Then he actually sees for himself that he cannot drive like he used to and that satisfies his wanting to drive for a while.
Our car situation is pretty ridiculous; we have 2 Toyota's standing under the car port and we hardly ever use either one. But until the driving issue is finally settled, I can't get rid of either one. I can't get rid of the Prius because it is his baby; he's probably forgotten why (it's a hybrid and one of the first ones in Holland when they came here 5 years ago; it's a guy thing) and it has a great navigation system. I can't get rid of my little Starlet because it's a car I can drive, it's too old to be worth much and I don't like to drive the Prius (can't see out of the back window very well). So there they sit and the driving issue is dormant; hubby has not driven for about a month. This Saturday will be a test case when we are driving to see our son and family about one hour away. We always take the Prius and lately he's been letting me drive one way. I'm going to ask him if it's ok if I drive on the way there, and then later in the day suggest that I drive home as well so that he can have a glass of wine. WIsh me luck. I should add that I don't feel unsafe when he drives, he seems to do fine. But worried about insurance and legal issues.
Jeanette, I finally sold his truck last month. Hardly been driven the past 2 years but he never wants to let anything go. Finally persuaded him by telling him we would save $4,000 a year on Insurance and depreciation and taxes. The day he finally agreed I (by prior arrangement) had it down to the dealer in an hour before he could change his mind again. Didn't even have the title and registration tag with me. I was going to "fudge" about the selling price but he didn't ask and has only mentioned the truck a couple times since then and he said somebody needs to pick up the truck. I change the subject and it is forgotten.
If it's a good story (I missed it completely), just put a disclaimer on it - a lot of us write something and put "Just kidding" at the end. As long as it's not offensive. I'd sure like to know what the story was.
Everyone knows what I've been through with the driving issue, so I won't go over that ground again. But one thing has always puzzled me. Many of you have said that you let your spouses drive as long as you are in the car with them, and many of you have reported that the doctor said it was okay for the AD patient to drive if YOU were in the car with them. The way I look at it - that means that BOTH of you will be injured or killed if the AD person messes up. You can give directions, but you can't control impaired visual perception, judgment, reasoning, processing time, and memory. I would no more get into the car with someone who had AD than with someone who had too much to drink. (Not talking about very early AD or MCI - many at that stage are perfectly capable of driving).
Joan, I agree 100%. As the old saying goes, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". I could not have lived with myself if someone had been hurt!
I totally agree with Joan, there is no way I would ride anywhere. It only takes one time of bad judgement,impaired visual perception, & etc. to have an accident, that could either hurt & kill your spouse, others or yourself. And please don't think they cannot get lost, my husband was lost for 1 1/2 hours 5 miles from our home, even stopped for directions, however, couldn't understand them. By the grace of god, he finally found his way. And this was when I thought it was safe for him to drive.
A year after DX with MCI, DH was still driving some,although I started driving more. But he then, on his own, sold his precious red truck. So we had one vehicle. He went to get a haircut about 8 blocks from home and had a minor accident on the way back. Not his fault - but still an accident. He walked home from the accident - 1 block away, to get me, because he was totally confused and the police had not arrived yet. I walked down with him. Got it all squared away---but when we got home he handed me his keys and said his reflexes weren't good enough to drive anymore. That was it - hasn't driven or even talked about driving since. That was 5 years ago. Thank God for small favors.
Joan asked why it might make a difference if the caregiver is in the car. When Joe was still driving, he was a pretty good driver. He couldn't follow directions to get somewhere, but could always find his way home. I decided to stop the driving when I realized that he had been narrowing his driving range, and then found myself on a highway with him and realized he was no longer comfortable on the highway.
Mostly I was in the car with him when he was driving. Partly that was so I could read the maps when we went somewhere new. Partly it was because I was keeping tabs on how he was driving.
People here have described things like driving in the wrong lane, and not stopping at the right times. He NEVER did any of that even on the last day he drove. I actually stopped his driving earlier than necessary. He has vascular dementia, not Alzheimer's, and there are some differences. He is losing language very fast, but has no stage 6 physical symptoms. And that means the whole driving thing is a bit different too.
Several weeks ago I took DHs ignition key off his keychain and replaced it with one that would not start the car. I also made an appointment for him to be evaluated at a rehab hosp adaptive driving program (have to have dr referral for this program). The day he noticed the key switch was bad but not as bad as I feared it would be. I explained he could not drive until he was evaluated. He began counting down the days. Yesterday was the evaluation and he failed it miserably.
His loss of peripheral vision due to glaucoma prevented him from meeting the vision requirements. His reflexes were not fast enough and his executive function deficiencies were too much to overcome. They even let him do the behind the wheel testing where he drifted out of his lane 15 times in 20 minutes, stopped beyond the line well into the pedestrian crosswalk at a traffic light and made a dangerous left turn before oncoming traffic.
When told he should no longer drive he blamed their car, said it pulled to the right. Wanted to know how soon he could retake the test. He was very angry at me because it’s all my fault for mentioning the driving issue to his doctor. Said I had a big mouth. Things have been quiet here today. I am amazed it has gone this well. I expected much more fireworks than I’ve seen. We'll see what the next days bring...
In this litigious era, whether or not someone thinks their spouse is still a safe driver, they need to consider this:
State laws vary. I speak only from knowledge of the laws of a couple of states I have lived in. If there is an accident, there often is a question as to who is at fault. Sometimes, if the accident has resulted in serious injury or major property damage, the blame is apportioned in percentages -- someone is 60 percent at fault, the other is 40 percent, for example. This is so the insurance companies can try to make the other driver's insurance company pick up some of the damages.
If something goes to a jury trial, do you think that most juries are going to say that the driver who has been diagnosed with dementia is NOT at fault (even if you know that he was blameless)? And if YOU were in the car, or knowingly let the person you were supposed to be caring for drive the car, do you think that the insurance companies would not try to take your assets? I am not a lawyer, but I bet that knowingly letting an impaired person drive a car that may be partially in your name, or that is on your insurance policy, may VOID the policy or lay you open to a civil suit for negligence. I sure wouldn't want to risk my assets and thus my entire future on something like this.
I tend to agree on the liability issue. We've had a huge umbrella policy for years but I never want to have to use it. I knew it was time when friends and family had that incredulous look when they heard he was still driving. I spoke to two of our sons and told them they must have the strength to do the same thing when it is my time. Figure it will be like dean's experience: clawing them out of my grubby little hands while I kick and scream :)
Sometime it's not a money issue. People who are parties to vehicular homicide go to jail these days I wonder how the court would view a case like any of ours would present. It's terribly complicated, that's for sure.
It's interesting that you mention that Nancy. When I was making arrangements with the adaptive driving program folks I could tell their main goal was to keep folks behind the wheel -- as it should be. (They do training, adaptive aids, etc.) But I was fearful that they might "pass" DH. I asked them what happens if they certify a person with dementia as "OK" to drive and that person then causes bodily injury or death while driving -- where do they fall out in the ensuing litigation and I was told "this hasn't happened yet".
...they said: "this hasn't happened YET!!???" Oh my gosh, Weejun. What an answer! Thank goodness, I didn't have to go thorough this. With all of his agressiveness, stubborness, and strong will, ... he never fought me over this issue. I've mentioned before ...we had HIS car and MY car. He drove HIS car when we'd go places in it, and I drove MY car when we'd go in it.. When we came to Houston, we left HIS new van in Georgia with my son who bought it. Shortly thereafter, he was diagnosed and his doctor said it wasn't a good idea if he kept driving. With very little discussion, we'd always go in MY car, I'd drive and he'd get in the passenger seat. We had planned to buy him another car after we moved here.., but - just never got around to it. (whew)
It is such a difficult issue. It's not only their independance, it's their manhood. I know up til last year, even though, honestly, I was not happy getting into the car with him, he was still driving occasionally. Now, his license has been revoked by the state (thank you doctor), but he does forget that. I have never told the insurance company that I'm the only driver. i guess I'm kind of afraid to remove him yet. It's such an ongoing problem, he still tells me that he has to start driving again before he forgets how.... right!
Chris dont want to be bearer of bad news but if DH DL was revoked by the STATE then you have the obligation to notify the insurance carrier asap. they will NOT cover him if he is non licensed now due to mental issues and it does no good to think he is 'covered;-they would find out exactly when the DL was revoked if needed' -you just have to make sure he nevr gets behind the wheel again-under any circumstances. its always better to be upfront and get these issues taken care of. divvi
After three cars being damaged (one totaled), I contacted our insurance (USAA) and they had me do the POA thing on their particular form to have on record. He has no access to any wheels at all, but mentioned that he needs to be sure to renew his driver's license when the time came so he could drive in an emergency???? Never say die!
Ok, I'm back on the driving issue... Yesterday we went out, had a nice day, but he got itchier and itchier because I was driving. Got home and he wanted to know how to get his license back, he had 'lost' it. Well, I told him the truth, that his license had been revoked by a doctor because of AD. that was last evening, and he's been ranting and raving ever since. i even tried giving him some seroquel mixed with his tapioca, (it makes him sleep, so I don't like to give it to him) but he won't even eat the pudding. he just wants to be mad. please God, give the the serenity to accept what I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. and please God, give it to me NOW!!! And how about the fortitude to deal with the aftermath of what I have changed, like getting his license revoked.
Ok, he had the pudding, and went to sleep. a little peace in my day. Woke up this AM ranting and raving again. All my fault, I did it, I guess I just love to drive so much, I wanted to be the one, NOT... I'm at my wits end. i'm not good with confrontation. he's even frightening the dogs. Interestingly, this is the reason he can't drive. Road Rage. he becomes angry and aggressive in the car. no judgement. and of course, no reason button.
chris, i would try to get him to sit in the back seat w/seat belt on. there are issues with them trying to grab the wheel while we are driving. be careful then if he rages in the car. i am not the only one here its happened to. it can come out of nowhere. divvi
Thanks Divvi, you make a good point. Actually, not to long ago I was driving and he kept reaching over to honk at other cars, who might or might not change lanes. he also grabbed my arm while I was driving, so you are absolutely right. I just hadn't really thought enough about that.