'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
OLD COMICS II Just when you thought you had it easy. Match these with the list of comic strips I posted earlier last week. Good Luck
1. possum 2. Emperor Ming 3. Solider of Fortune 4. shmoo 5. Ignatz 6. Dragon Lady 7. Mike Nomad 8. Magpies 9. Pigeon Racing 10. Irwin Troll 11. George Wilson 12. Korean War 13. Glamorous reporter 14. Jack 15. Cosmo Fishhawk 16, Sluggo 17. Dino 18. Cloned from another comic strip 19. June 20. Barney Google 21. Knights of the Round Table 22. Bluto 23. Wildlife Photographer 24. Two way wrist radio 25. Central City 26. Red Rider 27. Hans and Fritz 28. Black and White 29. Kayo 30. Skeezix 31. EGAD 32. Great Dane 33. Almost no dialog in strip 34. A trio of career women 35. When he "gestures hypnotically," his subjects see illusions
Charles Summers I am printing those off to see how many I can get.
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum 2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines on the telephone 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S& H greenstamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packards 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers
The only thing I did not recognize was 'Butch Wax' and that is cause no one in my family used it. My dad used Brylcreem. The rest I have first hand knowledge of, even tub wringers (got my hand caught in them more than once).
BYW - I am not older than dirt or maybe I am according to that list! I wish dimmer switches were still on the floor and we just put a rubber band around our pants or stuck them in our socks (which would then get greasy).
Yes, I have heard horror stories of mangled arms/hands from them. I guess I was lucky that I hit the turn off button fast - or someone was there to do it, I don't remember. Just remember being sore a couple days but that didn't get me out of having to wring the laundry out before hanging it on the line.
You got it, Sandi -- seems like some hillbilly comic used to say, "We haven't had this much excitement around here since granny got her tit caught in the wringer!"
Got me there. No fear - I was too young to have those to worry about.
a store clerk dropped a large box of breath mints on his foot. 15 mins later, he announced that he had to go home because he had a bad case of tic tac toe.
Chipper you missed your calling you should have been a comedian,I myself can't remember back that far,but maybe you'd like to hear about my friend Buddy lol
Two priest's at the Vatican go into the restroom to use the urinals,one glances over at the other an see's he has a Nicoderm patch on his business,Hey Father your supposed to put that on your arm, no no the first one replies its working well,I'm down to two butts a day
I copied Eric's latest writing about the banana and mailed it to some of my e-mail friends. This is the reply from one of them.
My daddy used to tell a story about an old farmer who butchered a cow one day, and decided to have some fun with the udder and the neighbors. He stuck the udder down his coveralls, knocked on a door, and took on teat out from his pants. eddie Haynes answered the door, was shocked, the old man cut off and threw away the teat. eddie fainted. The old man went to the next house and knocked and unzipped. Marilyn Miller answered the door. shocked lady, daring old man, lady fainted. Two more houses, and then the old guy went home and was laughing as he told his wife of his doings. of course he was blood all over. He took the udder from his coveralls. it had one teat left. HE fainted. (I hope no one takes offense)
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
On a transatlantic flight, A plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle , unbuttoning his shirt.
> A back country family is visiting a big city for the first > time. The mother and daughter are in the hotel lobby when they > spot an elevator. > > "What's that, Maw?" the girl asked. > > "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life," replied > the mother. > > Seconds later an old frail man walks in the hotel door and > hobbles to the elevator. He presses the button with his cane, > waits for the doors to open, and gets in. > > The mother and daughter, still amazed by this contraption, > continue to watch. > > They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a > spry and handsome 20-year-old muscular young man. > > The mother looks at her daughter and says, "Go get your Paw!" >
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box; then shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirro
An old indian was standing near the cigar store with a totem pole, and everytime someone walked by, he would say "chance". Finally, the store owner came out and told him he thought Indians were supposed to say How! The old indian replied "Me know how, me want chance".
Gun Control Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well stop clapping!
The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
> Never Argue with a Woman > > > > One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage > > after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. > > Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat > > out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and > > begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. > > Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside > > the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" > > > > "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") > > You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. > > > > "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." > > Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could > > start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." > > > > "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the > > woman. > > > > "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden. > > > > "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could > > start at any moment." > > > > "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. > > > > > > MORAL : > > Never argue with a woman who reads. > > It's likely she can also think. > > > >
a young lad is sitting on a curb with a bottle of turpentine when a priest walks by an asks what he has in his hand,why its the most powerful liquid in the world the boy responds,no my son the priest tells him Holy Water is the most powerful liquid you can rub it on a pregnant womans stomach an she will pass a baby,the boy says hell you can rub this on a cats ass an it will pass a Harley Davison
A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
She hoped she would not have to use it because........ her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
'That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?' 'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
two cowboys are mending fences when they come to a heifer with its head caught in the fence,the old grizzled cowboy thinks for a minute an since they hadn't been to town in weeks gets down off his horse drops his drawers an has his way with the heifer,when he's done he asks the young cowboy,"you want some of this" the young cowpoke sits there quietly an ponders the situation then says ok but only if you promise not to put my head in the fence
A Mexican, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde girl from Parker Az. are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The blonde girl from Parker Az., cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass,setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
An elderly Czech man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite kolaches wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite kolaches. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the kolache was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here......
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
A man came to his minister because he was having major financial problems and wanted the minister to pray for him. The minister told him: "get a comfortable folding chair, take it down to the beach with your bible. Sit in the chair with your bible open and let the wind blow the pages. Sit there for 5 minutes and then look at the bible. The first thing you see will be what the Lord wants you to do"
A few weeks later the minister saw the man again, but now he was driving a new Mercedes and wearing the best designer clothes. The minister asked what happened. "Well, it was this way" said the man, "I did as you suggested and went to the beach, sat in a chair with my bible open and let the wind blow it for 5 minutes. When I looked down the first thing I saw was CHAPTER 11"
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50. (DON'T WORRY IF YOU'RE NOT YET, YOU WILL BE)
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run a marathon. 4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 5. There is nothing left to be learned the hard way. 6. Things you buy now won't wear out. 7. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
This isn't a joke but it is a giggle, an AD giggle . . . I recently went to put something into the garbage under the sink fully expecting that the garbage liner would be inside the garbage can. Nope, the garbage can was inside the garbage liner! It gave me a chuckle but no one to share it with.
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified.. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
a fourth grade biology teacher is explaing to the students that humans are the only ones to stutter,a sweet little girl raises her hand an tells the teacher that her kitty stutters,is that so the teacher asks,an how did your kitty do that? well the little girl tells her, there was a Pit Bull in the neighbors yard an when he seen my kitty he jumped the fence an came running full speed at my kitty,the kitty said Ssss Ssss Ssss an before she could say shit the dog ate her
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer.
The wife replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box."
( Never, never, ever, ever try to outsmart a woman)
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.' So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent. Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!' Tell me you ain't smilin'..? :)
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wyoming when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglassesand YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds20to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to animage processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my dog.