Since visiting my husband in the nursing home in Florida, I have had constant phone calls from him. Day and night....into the early hours of the morning. When I answer the phone, there are always the accussations of my having another man here....ugly, ugly talking. Rude, disgusting stuff. Lately, I've just been saying goodbye, I don't want to hear anymore of that stuff. Now, he says he's going to find a way to kill himself....probably starve himself. He doesnt think he'll ever see anyone ever again. I'm going numb. I don't know how to console him or how to encourage him. I tell him he MUST eat to heal so he can travel back home.....he'll be going into a nursing home near me most likely. I don't think I can handle him. He gets very agressive in his language and threatens me. The phone is ringing off the hook. God help me. I don't know what to do. He wants me to come visit him again. I can't afford it again right now or anytime soon. And, I'm still sick (physically even) from my brief visit. How does anyone do this? I'm all hollowed out inside. I want a real life. I want company. I want someone interested in my llife, someone who understands who I am, can talk to me, help me and go places with me. I miss the gentleness of human touch. I get so frustrated by John's rantings about my imaginary lovers. Makes me wonder why I don't just go ahead and look for someone to fulfill those needs, except that I'm a married woman and couldn't live with myself. God, when will this end? I feel so broken and alone. Yes, I have things to do. I'm trying to make girlfriends. Depression makes that so hard.....like walking in hip deep mud all day long. Wish this phone would stop ringing. If I don't answer, he leaves hateful, hurtful messages about "knowing what I'm up to".
Stuntgirl, Have you considered getting you phone number changed are you sure the nursing home will take him in the condition he's in? I think I would be having second thoughts about having him closer unless he can get some meds to calm him down. I am sorry you are going through all this pain and I wish you the best.
Dearest StuntGirl, you do know that this is the disease talking ... it is from the damage that is being done to his brain. There is little you can do to stop his raging by simply trying to reason with him or reassure him, but there are medicines that can help soothe away the delusions. Do you know who his doctor is in Florida? Can you contact him regarding this problem? Or talk with the nursing home people about getting the doctor involved? Leaving him suffering this way isn't fair to him any more than it's fair to you.
I asked about telephone privileges in nursing homes when I visited (almost 20 in the past year!!) and in almost all cases, they monitor (and limit) the calls the patient makes. None of the rooms I previewed had telephones in them. Patients use phones from the central desk. (cordless) How is he able to make so many long distance calls - can he dial them himself? All of these calls simply do not sound right to me. and I believe you have every right to discuss this with the people caring for him now. It appears he is not being watched very closely if he can get to the phone this much. If he has a cell phone..ask them to LOSE it or do not recharge it. I agree with Jean...I wonder if the nursing homes in your area will accept him in his current state.
I don't understand why you want to bring him back, at 113 pounds, navigating through airports, etc. Could it just be a 'control' issue between you and your children? I ask you that because I beieve you need to think about the consequences if you do get him back to where you live. We are all family here, and I think we all are wondering about this. You are so unhappy with him all the way over in Florida. Have you thought about how it will be if he is with you???
StuntGirl...I went to your web site and you are a very gifted artist. I am wondering if you have thought of going to Fl. to live for awhile. Maybe renting a condo for a year might relieve your mind about your husband and at the same time a change of scenery, new friends, and experiences may help the depression and give you a new outlook on life.
StuntGirl, I just viewed your web site also, and you are indeed gifted with your art. Don't let yourself get mired down in your dh situation. He can only think of himself now and you need to keep things going for both of you. Consider leaving him put where he is and getting a unlisted phone for your own piece of mind, or maybe you can put a block on his calls.
I understand that StuntGirl has a huge four legged family to care for, so I guess that limits her ability to go to Florida for a year or so, ..but I continue to wonder why it's so important to 'get him back home'. I tried to find original sites since I'm relatively new, to see if she had explained how he got to Florida in the first place. Were the children mentioned born you together, or are they step-children? I feel so sorry for your dilemma, but I'm confused about the juxtaposition of emotions and reasons for bringing him back to the farm.
OhmyGod! I just clicked onto Stuntgirl's personal website and I am blown away with her artistic talent. She is amazing! Click on her name, go to her web site. What an amazing gift she has. I suggested she sculpt the" faces of dementia and the gentle touch of caregivers" as an outlet for her feelings. I'm sure she would have a huge market on The Alzheimer's Association gift site as well as this one. She could express her feelings in her art and be profitable at the same time. Jen, you have a true gift. USE IT!!
Thank you for ;your comments about my work....right now, its hard to get back to it, but it's about the only income I have for myself. I'm so conflicted. I hurt so much to see him hurting so badly and wanting to hurt himself. I figure if he were nearer, he'd be more comforted to know someone cares about him. I will talk to the staff there about medications to control his behavior. Yes, there's a lot of control issues with the children (his, mine and ours). They want us divorced and have changed his will and an annuity to benefit themselves. They want the sale of my farm (paid for and in my name). Its all about greed. I just want him back where he belongs even if its around the corner in someone elses care.
I thought one of your main issues was to save the farm for yourself???? I don't understand why you talk to him or answer the phone at all. Can he really remember the conversations? Can't you just delete the messages or put a block on the number he is calling from? I got the impression earlier that you were mostly concerned about saving your assets, which I can understand. So you could stay on the farm. I am trying to understand why accepting these torturous calls has anything to do with that.
I beieve Kitty, that we are all confused about the issue here. Jen, you say you wish you could be free, get out, have friends again, etc. etc., so why do you want him back. Trust me, having him back will only make it worse, unless there is a lot more $$$$ involved...if you get him back to W.VA.
I just hurt so bad. AND I don't want the only thing he provided for my future....the small annuity....going to the kids. I was always the beneficiary. Guess I could fight any change in his will that they made, too. About the POA....do you mean that I could actually be entertaining the idea that I could bring him back to this area and not have control over our assets?????? Yeah, I can imagine having to ask my son or someone else if I can please have some money to have a transmission fixed. John can't write checks....or anything else for that matter.
Remind me again...what is the difference in your ages? You appear to be so young. LOVE your picture!
Have you spoken with a doctor about his physical condition. They can force feed him with a feeding tube in a port, if it's something he is doing because of his mental disability.
Jen I think you need to take this up the the Director of the nursing home ASAP! There is no way he should be allowed to use the phone in his condition, unsupervised! Let him/her know about the threats and how disturbing these phone calls are to your life. DO Contact an atty regarding all the legal stuff. You have to stand up for yourself, that is how your DH would have wanted it. Please think this through carefully, and go forward With Legal Advise. Arms around, Susan PS: Your art is Outstanding!!!!
StuntGirl, if he has stopped eating, and if he is losing weight quickly, you are right, he is dying. I'm sorry he is so far away from you, but it might be better for him if he stays where he is.
How would you transport a man in that condition? I would be concerned that authorities would accuse me of murder, taking someone so fragile & transporting him & then he died in route. Just a thought.