Well, I'm home from the trip to hell and back. When I arrived late Tues. evening (told him it would be late), he was mad as a hornet and cursed and called every name in the book. Loud. I sat t here not reacting and was suddenly reduced to tears. Then, his nature changed. Gushing about how much he loves me and loves me, can't live without me. I was with him constantly for the next two days. He was in and out of his Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde states. I didn't know he had gone so far. He has a compression fracturre in his back that he is recovering from. The doctor won't release him to come back to Virginia until that is healed. Meanwhile, John doesn't have any interest in anything but lying in his bed. There are a lot of things he could participate in and patients he could talk to. His sister has agreed to sign over custodial rights to me once he can be released (small victory). He did call his attorney and leave a message that he wants to quit divorce action. His son (the lawyer) won't return his phone calls about who his power of attorney is, etc. John is taking Aricept, Namenda, an antidepressant and something for pain as needed. If he comes home, I insist he has something else that will control his agressive behavior and oiutbursts. The imagined accussations hurt so terribly. All I can think of is that he is remembering men that have come by at times to work here or fix something. Funny, he even thinks I've had a breast augmentation so that I can "lure more men"! I tried to tell him I'm larger because I've gained 25 lbs over the last year! What do I do now. Shoould I look for nursing homes near me where he can go? Right now, Medicare and his supplemental insurance is paying for his stay. He's been there since FEB. 2. I feel frozen to the ground. It's hard to get things done from this far away. I have so many fears and questions. One other thing.....when I came in for the first time to see him, he had on diapers and a hospital gown.......didn't seem to need diapers. Wonder if they just don't want to mess with him, so they jusst let him lie there without help.?
i agree..bringing him home is disaster in waiting -you should think about transferring him directly from one facility into another one closer to you but not home. if you do chose to go that route i wish you the best. Divvi
Yes, I have been advised by his care providers that I should have him transferred to a care facility near my home. He is very unhappy with this idea as he still remembers most about his home he's left. But, don't most of you live with this kind of stuff??? He's down to 113 lbs and is threatening to starve himself to death if he can't come home. Says he'll find a way to end it all.
When my dh gets to the point yours seems to be in I think we would both better off is he were to remain in a facility. You need to keep yourself going so you will be a bigger help to him. Remember his mind is not working properly. If in a facility closer to you you would be able to visit him regularily and still have down time for yourself.
The guilt, the guilt, the guilt. I feel so bad when he cries when he knows I want to not have him back in our home. I (and his caregivers right now) know I can't take care of him properly, deeep down in my heart. My heart is breaking.
StuntGirl - don't feel guilty. You have been doing the best you can for him. He just can't understand what all you have been going through since he has became sick, and that is not going to change.
I went out about a year ago, when I could leave him alone for some time, and looked for a place for my husband if it came to that, just so I'd have an idea of who took dementia patients, what their waiting list, if any, looked like, etc. One place I'd thought might be possible was definitely not interested in having anyone who couldn't walk around and dress themselves, etc. - this in a locked wing. Another was quite relaxed, oh, everyone here has a little dementia, dear.. A third was about right, recognizing stages, etc. but they are not the closest to me.. They're used to having you come in and get a tour of the place. It might be a good idea NOT to make an appointment, actually. I'm sure the ALZ Association can give you names but they may not be the most accurate (they weren't, here); ask at a local senior center if they have some ideas, and ask around - at church? With friends?
Briegull is right about popping in without appointments, but I found some would not show me around without one. I toured about 30 facilities in two cities. What I am becoming aware of is that the marketing people let the people in Memory Care Units know we'll be coming through...and they jump into action with activities going on here, there and everywhere. I ran into two marketing agents (who were recently laid off of their respective jobs having lunch together. I asked them 'point blank' if my suspicions were correct and they replied "ABSOLUTELY!" That's just not right!!!
I knew my husband would get to this point but never really acted on it till I got a new companion for my husband about a month ago. His wife has had alz for 10 years (dz at age 53 too just like my dh). He told me that because my husband can no longer "see" people that waiting much longer to place him would make my husband very frightened. He said he can hear the voices and recognizes his caregivers. When he looses this ability, he won't know where he is and will be in total confusion and angst. I checked with his dr and she agreed with this. The place I looked at has a waiting list so I put in his application thinking I would have time to get used to the idea. A few hours later, the admissions person called to say they might have an opening in a few weeks!! That threw me. I am slowly getting used to it. I agree with the others. I think that you have to do whats best for him and YOU. You have been without him for a while now. To start over would be dreadful. I've heard those same names called of me but I just ignore them. I know my husband well enough to know how much he truly loves me and I will rely on this as my memory. When he accuses you of different things, try not answering it directly or redirect the conversation onto something totally different. He will refocus. It's worth a try. Good luck. And, keep writing. We're here for you.
We need to be reminded over and over.......I NEED TO BE REMINDED.....that their REASON button is broken. You cannot get them to understand by arguing or trying to explain in a way they understand. Won't happen!
I NEED this reminder. I know it's hard. We want to justify or validate our reasoning. Kathryn is right...DIVERT the statement. Change the subject. Let it GO! It's the only way to get past the moment. There is NO way to win an argument with them, or get them to understand the facts if they have something planted in their minds.
Good luck - I worry about how you are going to transport him back from Florida. Airports are very upsetting for our guys.
Forget about who has his power of attorney NOW....an attorney needs to just write a new document and have it signed and notarized,... and it will supercede the former document. That's something you don't have to worry about.
A new document to supercede an old one requires that the new one is written when he is in a sound state of mind. I'm not thinking that would work here.
Without POA I could never make decisions on his behalf, right? I'd always be beholden to someone else's will, right? I'd never have the right to make decisions about money, where to put it, NOTHING, right?
StuntGirl, if you brought him home, you could petition the court for guardianship. Then you would have the legal authority to make decisions regarding his healthcare and his assets for his benefit. And if he's in your state rather than in FL, the kiddies would have trouble fighting your petition.
It is my understanding that unless the ADLO has been declared mentally incompetent by a court, s/he can sign legal documents. The ADLO must (appear to) understand what is being signed at the time the document is signed.
Please note that the dear kiddies got him to change all those legal documents very recently. Either new ones would be valid, or the changes the kiddies got him to make are invalid. The kiddies can't have it both ways.
I have conservatorship of my husband, and even so, he still has some rights to undertake certain legal obligations in the papers the court gave me.
I am so sorry that you are having to hear such hurtful accusations from your husband. It isn't related to anything except the damage that is happening to his brain. I used to try and figure out why he said things, what had I done in the past, etc. They are in the process of ongoing damage to their brain and it isn't related to anything that makes any sense. My husband will take one little bit of truth and run with it and by the time he has developed his "theory", it is not based on fact or actual events at all. It is hard not to take these personally, but I just don't "go there with him". I ignore what he says, leave the room, leave him alone for a while. That's why these boards are helpful. So far we are all sane and able to reason and are compassionate and understand :-)
The diapers. I was hospitalized once and had bad diarrhea. They finally put diapers on me because I would make a mess getting to the toilet. In the end, it was a good idea, but I don't need diapers on a regular basis. So, you don't know if he needs them now, if it is just convenient to them, etc. Some of the meds they give, make our bodies act in ways that are not typcial or ongoing.
Good luck - keep coming back. There is wonderful help and support here.
StuntGirl, I have a challenge for you. Go back and read all your posts from the very first one when you were very fragile. Read each one with an open mind and then elvaluate the whole situation. You might be surprised and realize that guilt cannot motive your decisions, espcially a decision as important and life-changing as this one.
StuntGirl - I am so sorry that you are in such turmoil. You may not be able to take care of him at home and that is okay. What you can do for him though is have him in a place where you can ensure that he gets the proper care. You can become his advocate.
There are some excellent suggestions for you from others on this thread. You could write a list of the pros and cons of your choices and maybe it will help you work through the emotional issues with the choices you are making. You have made it very clear that your goal is to make sure he gets the right care. As you go through the list, the right care for him should become very clear.
Good luck with this and feel free to vent with us at any time.
Stuntgirl, stay strong, breathe deep, listen to your gut, and believe in the advice all these wonderful caregivers are sharing with you. We are so lucky to have the kind of the experience that this group shares.