Netflix sent me the film this week, and I watched it last night. I didn't really, necessarily want Jeff to watch it with me, but--as usual--he drifted in about 25% into the film and sat down. I didn't notice it particularly affecting him too much--at least he didn't say anything about it, and he usually does if things are especially meaningful to him.
I found it to be a well-done piece of movie-making, beautifully shot, well-acted. I really liked Gordon Pinsent who plays the husband, struggling to let go of his AD wife.
There was a big thing missing though. And, truthfully, it would be very difficult to capture this in a 2 hour film, but those of us living through this in real life are bound to notice. That is, it all just went too fast. In the beginning, the couple is living peaceably in their Canadian cottage on the snowy lake, making coffee, cross-country skiing, and she's showing these little signs--putting the clean pan in the freezer, forgetting words. But--and this is the thing--their relationship and interaction appear to be very much intact, so much so that when she decides (on her own) that it's time to move into assisted living, he is as unready for it as someone whose completely healthy spouse suddenly decided to move out.
(The fact that she makes the decision is a little unusual too. The set-up, I guess, is that you see her reading The 36-hour Day, and she must decide that she doesn't want him to have to deal with further decline.)
It seemed a very strange time to choose to move into a care facility, because (based on the view from here!) things still seemed to be going rather well with them.
But then, once admitted, her decline is like....whooooooosh!
So, all in all, the downhill trajectory had the feel of something like a brain tumor. You learn of it rather abruptly, you make a decision about how you'll deal with the imminent downhill ride, and then it goes...fast, and the grief comes in much greater condensed globs than this agonizing, dragging-on, downhill bump-fest that we know is the REAL reality of AD.
So, that's what's missing. The slowness, and the years spent processing the changes in your relationship, and the constant adapting to new levels of dysfunction...LONG before you even need to think about a care facility. As I said, I'm not sure how you'd capture that slowness on film. But it--the slowness, and the special level of agony that only slowness can inflict--is like a Character in this drama of AD which someone dealing with a rapid-onslaught disease wouldn't really understand.
That was my reaction to the movie as well. I thought she went into the NH way too early. I don't think they have the no visitors for 30 days policy anymore either. That just would not make any sense. The acting was superb and it's good to see awareness to this disease raised.
Julie Christie, the woman sufferer of Alzheimer's, has been nominated for an Academy Award for her protrayal in the movie. She gave an excellent performance but I too wish the story had been more realistic, something which the producers might have felt would have been so depressing and realistic that the emotional content would have been overwhelming for the audience. Some scenes depicting incontinence, violent emotional upheavals, careless grooming, etc. might have helped. Also I felt the knowledge that her husband had been unfaithful in the past led one to believe that somehow his suffering was justified and was retribution. I have a Swedish film that is much more realistic and protrays the lives of a couple dealing with Alzheimer's much more realistically for the audience. It is called, "A Song For Martin" It is in Swedish with English subtitles PG13 so older children can watch also. I bought it through Blockbuster after seeing a review of it .
There is another film "The Savages" that also deals with AD. A more realistic, albiet, more brutal portrayal of the ravages of AD. I agree with you that there is no way to deal with slow, agonizing descent into what??? My husband is in the very early stages so to all that know him, he is normal, functioning and healthy. Only I as his partner can see the subtle changes. The inability to read something new and comprehend it. "Give this a quick read, tell me what you think" is his cover. Or find things around the house that are located in full view. "You didn't place it where you usually do" Or the sudden clinging. I say I am going upstairs...he, "What are you going to do? How long will you be?" And on and on. No one knows what we as partners face. It is like having a child, only backwards. You teach a toddler how to walk and do things for themselves and become independent. Here you have an independent functioning adult and you have to go backwards...learning how much you have to take over from them and do for them. I find that most movies gloss it over or cut to the chase...the end stages. But then again...no one can portray it...perhaps we all should get together and write our own movie...HA!
Emily, you expressed the feelings I had about the movie. I guess it would be impossible in 2 hours to portray a 10 or more year decline we witness, and everyone is different. I comment the film for what it did, but I could never see Gene making the decision to go to a home to spare me. I was told to go to hell today just for trying to change his clothes and wash him with a washcloth a little. barbarakay
I watched "A Song for Martin" last night. A pretty realistic portrayal of this disease. Better than "Away From Her", I felt. The acting was superb. The other thing I enjoyed about the movie was the love story between two older people. Most romantic movies show only the young and beautiful. It gave me hope that one day I may have a chance at love again when this AD journey is over.
I put that one on my Netflix queue Hildann... I don't really like to watch depressing Alzheimer movies around Jeff though, so maybe I'll try to schedule it for when he's in Florida with a friend next week.
Years ago I was given a private copy of 'A Song for Martin.' It was the most realistic showing of AD I'd ever seen. It was like someone looking in my window. Even tho it was done by professionals in show biz, I was told it was impossible for them to get it shown in theatres or even on TV. People just would not watch. I wish that had changed, but most non-AD people will still not watch. So I am very heartened to learn that it is available on Netflex. It is subperb.
I went to see 'Away from Her' and have to agree the wife's going into a care facility was hard to swallow, but the rest of it was so true for me. I identified very much w/the husband who came to visit, only to find she was involved with others. That happened to me, I was the one left behind and set adrift. He had a new girlfriend. The longing for your spouse and the love, sex and affection that is lost was very strong. I understood completely how it ended with his laughing in bed w/another. I had opportunities while he was alive, but nothing felt right. After he died, someone fell into my life, but the feelings for my DH are still there. And it's all OK. Maybe that's why I'm still part of the AD community.
I cannot express my admiration for the cast and the detail of deterioration on the wife's part, it was stunning, so true to life, the impeccable woman who became a slob, hair, fingernails, everything unkept. As I went outside another woman was walking out as I was. We looked red-eyed at each other at the curb & hugged, complete strangers, but we knew each other if ever any two people did.
Betty, God bless you. My hugs go out to you. Still you are a part of us. Thank you for all your support and info to help us in our walk with this AD journey. Thanks for sharing. PAT
Thank you for the recommendation Betty and Hildann. I just watched "A Song For Martin." It was good, but sad. (no surprise there.) Apart from the excess blondness (well, it took place in and around Stockholm apparently,) I still felt that someone who hasn't experienced the disease won't get a feel for what a painfully, tediously slow process this decline can be. I know it's not always. All in all though, "Martin" represented the decline and behavior of the people involved in a way that you might call more realistic. Without a doubt, the relative lack of angst and drama shown in "Away From Her" may reflect the real-life experiences of some, but it seemed a little too clean and swift to me.
By the way, I'm going to watch comedies for a while.
All my friends told me to stay away from this film as they thought it would be too hard on me. Hah! If they only knew how "glossy" this film is compared to real life!
Anyway, I watched "Away Fr Her" w/ my husband, Andy, who's in the mid-stage of LBD. I cried & cried during the film, as I'm facing this terrible decision soon. If only I could be sure he'd adapt as well as Fiona did in the movie & make friends. I think I would even be OK w/ a "girlfriend" as long as I knew he was happy!
Andy doesn't really follow TV or movies anymore, so he thought it was "slow" but he hung in there & we finished it. Of course he wasn't able to relate our situation to the one in the film...
Thanks for the recommendation for "A Song for Martin." I'm adding it to our queue.
The interesting thing is that these films may make us cry because they remind us vividly of our realities, but--in my experience--it is not a "difficult" type of film to watch in terms of subject matter, as people might suspect. When this disease is your reality, you've already kind of had to adapt to having a clinical interest in the subject, and to assimilate the facts of AD into your status quo, so it may in some ways be less upsetting to us than it is to someone who isn't living the situation.