my dh has always been such a good kind man,never called me a name or acted like he would hit me in almost 30 yrs of marriage. day before yesterday he called me a slut. i have never heard him talk like that. he gets angry and upset for no reason and he doesn't know who i am,i realize this and i have learned to stay out of the way of his elbowing and pushing me. yesterday i was folding cloths and he caught me by surprise and i was cornered against the table and he started punching me. i held my hands up and tried to be calm and tell him who i was and i was his wife and i was here to take care of him,but the look in his eyes was so scarey,he was so upset and he didn't ever know it was me,even afterwards. i kept my hands and arms up and he got in some good punches before i could get away, he was ready to just keep going. my arms and chest got it,but not my face,i'm okay,just got calmed down and took some ibeprofone for pain. it was very upsetting to me,and i did cry. i called his dr. to see if he could up meds of give him something else. we cannot afford a nursing home. i have cut every corner i can,financially,except the satalite, phone, and internet. those are my only link to the outside world. sometimes i get so depressed,i am ready to just give up. jav
Sending you ((((warm and caring hugs)))) Jav .... your posting makes me so very sad because your husband doesn't even know he is behaving this way and I'm so very sure he would be mortified if he even comprehended what he has done.
I'm glad you're okay albeit bruised and distressed.
What meds is your husband on? Is he already on a calming med?
I hear you about cutting corners and not being able to afford a nursing home - our situation is exactly the same - I still do get us out in the car which, of course, takes gas to run, but I have to swallow that expense or I'd be a total hermit - some days I go to the grocery store, even though I don't need any groceries, just to find someone to exchange a word or two with even if its just for a few minutes ....... life is very lonely :( ......... if only *rosie* could talk ...... sigh
I know others will come along soon, jav, but if/when this happens to me, I'll have to call 911. In a way, my DH would probably be LESS likely to hit a stranger, especially a woman. However, I want to encourage you to think in terms of protecting yourself no matter what.
Along this road, I've tried to imagine the 'bottom line' for trying to keep things going here. The threat of physical violence is difficult enough. There have been numerous times when the 'escape plan' has been acted upon. Unfortunately, this was years BEFORE we noticed memory problems etc.
In some ways now, that active hostility has lessened. It is not as frequent. DH may get angry and stomp off and 30 minutes later HE's fine while I'm still upset. He takes effexor and it has worked fairly well.
The escape plan is something to consider. I packed a small bag of what I thought would be necessities for overnight or for at least 1 day. Included important papers, some cash, checkbook, etc. Kept it in my car. In an extreme situation, if I feel threatened in any way, I will quietly pick up my keys, purse and drive away. AND now..since ALZ is the culprit, I'd call 911 as soon as possible.
It is probably a good idea to let your emergency responder agency know the situation so that they actually WILL respond ASAP. I'm sure others who have experienced these things can give you more helpful information.. Just know I'm thinking about you this morning.
I haven`t experenced anger yet just a bit of getting mad at me, I am in the same peredicment as you, we have no money and not even a car, can`t afford a nursing home either and when the time comes don`t have any idea of what to do, I am sure I will have to go to welfare to get some help when my little bit of money I do have runs out witch i figure will be in a few months, We are trying to live off of social securty, only 850.00 a month with rent and utilities it goes before it`s in the bank, never thought I would have to live like this, all I can say is don`t let him abuse you, get some help if you can, I know it`s hard to ask for help, i should listen to my own advice, heck who am I to give advice I am to sturborn to even ask my kids to help, I`m like you, get depressed alot so I come here vent.you are not in this alone there are many of us with the same money problems. I to am not going to give up my t v , phone or internet
JAV, I had a situation in January that I had to call 911. My husband was a firefighter and care for people all his life. I could count on one hand the number of swear words he has ever used. On Jan 2 he woke up someone I never saw before. He was angry, screaming and swearing. He knocked over chairs and was hateful. I know that" look in his eyes' that you speak of. He came at me and for the first time, I was scared. I really thought he could hurt me. He ended up hospitalized to get his meds adjusted and they put him on depakote. It made the world of difference. My understanding is that this is an antiseisure med and that as alz progresses,the chance for seisures increases. He never said he was having seisures but this med did work. We did have to tweak it after he got home but I now know that I have to keep him very medicated for both our safety. He takes seroquel and many others but these 2 really work for him. Please don't be too proud. If financially you need help, turn to the government programs. We paid taxes all our life and now is the time to ask. I do believe every state has an Agency on Aging. They can help tremendiously. Run, don't walk to the nearest phone and call. He could really hurt you (even though he was the most gentle person, that's not who he is now). By the way, get used to the swearing. They all go through it. Just something else to blame this horrid disease on.
There is one more reason to call the police. Since this is after the fact, use their non emergency number but do it anyway. If something happens to you, you need it on record that he is getting violent and that he has hit you.
In addition, the very nice policeman scared the living sh@@@& out of my husband and he never touched me again. He is beyond the whole driving thing now, so I'm not dealing with violence, but the nice policeman also scared him so well that I never had major driving issues after that one time.
I'm on the record with both the local police and the local assistant district attorney just in case it happens again.
Jav, i am so sorry he turned on you. if your finances are in dire strait you do need to contact the area on aging closest to you and explain your situation by phone if necessary. they can direct you to the best sources. if you live in a larger city there should be more help available. its not acceptable he is violent under any circumstances. if it happens again at any time, you must call 911 and have them take him to the nearest ER and get him evaluated. they will give you something to keep him calm. others have been thru this and have more advice but i think 911 is the way to go and let the medical help advise you how to proceed. if your finances dont allow you may be able to start proceedings to qualify him for medicade so when the time comes you can place him without losing everything. please see an elder atty nearest you or call your alz society closest and ask for referrals. many atty will do consultations for free. take care, divvi
jav-- Sory for he new problems. Very scary. Plese do as Starling said and let the authorities know the situation. It will help both of you, because they'll know the situation better. Theyt'd head him straight to the hospital instead of jail. This is not the same as a domestic crisis. Also, get on board with Gov't assistance--as KathrynnotEugene said, you've paid in for years and this is what the programs are for. Do not let time passing lull into minimizing what happned--IT WAS THAT BAD. In the blink of an eye it could be again. Stay on the Dr. to up or change meds. Even if it means a hospital stay to get him reregulated. Your Area Agency on Ageing can help, as can the personnel at the hospital, if it comes to that.
REMEMBER: If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of him. And that applies to your safety as well as your health.
Oh, dear. This punching episode is terrible. For your own safety, you can’t let this behavior go unanswered. You now know that he is capable of hurting you. He has already done it. The next time it might be much worse. You must get help right away—medication or hospitalization, calling the police, something. Your safety depends on it, and so does his.
As for not being able to afford a nursing home, Medicaid will pay for it if you don’t have the finances to do it yourself. And you don’t have to completely bankrupt yourself before you can apply for Medicaid, either. You will probably need a good elder law lawyer to help you, but it’s better than not getting the nursing home help you need.
If you are living on a limited income, there are a lot of things that can help. You can apply for food stamps, for subsidized meals on wheels, for help paying for your Medicare Part D drug plan and your prescriptions, for help with your energy bills. If your loved one has difficulty with several of the activities of daily life, you can apply for a Medicaid waiver to get help with care while they are still at home. There are so many places to get help, but you have to search them out and apply. But that’s better than not getting the help you need. Some things, like the Medicaid waiver (at least in our state) take months to get all the paperwork done, so don’t wait until you are desperate for help to apply.
When DH couldn’t work any longer, we were in a very desperate situation. We still are. Since I can’t work because of a disability and now also because of taking care of DH, I figured part of my “job” was to try to find us the help we needed so I could care for my husband as long as possible.
If you call your local council on aging and don’t get any help, call again. Talk to a different person. Some of the people we talked to gave us wrong answers, and other people were extremely helpful. Another place you might find out about help is your local senior citizens center, if you have one. Lots of times they know exactly who you need to talk to, and what help is available in your area. It was a huge hurdle for me to apply for “assistance”. It’s even hard to talk about it here (I’d almost rather post on the topic of sex than talk about this!). I was raised to believe that it was shameful to need any kind of help. But it’s real life that we need help while we do this. We just need to ask--and keep asking until we get the help we need.
You can also go to the government web site, www.GovBenefits.gov You can enter your personal information, and the web site will tell you what assistance you might be eligible for. There may be other things, though, in your individual state, that you could qualify for. Please don’t try to do this all by yourself.
I understand as that monster lives with us now and WE never know when it is going to come out. I have been advised by these wise people on this website to call 911 and I have. Also, to have a place where you can retreat to and be safe. Have keys, money, etc that you might need. I hide my purse now as I never know what he is capable of. I have slept in the guest room with a chest in front of the door. It won't stop him, but it give me a chance to hear him and not be surprised. Like you, I never know what it is coming. We have had success with Namenda for a while and at the last episode, the doctor added Depakote which has given us a reprieve. Good luck. Keep us posted. We care.
we do not qualify for any goverment assistance. dhs retirement is too much,although it all goes on bills,that does'nt matter,we still get it so we do not qualify for anything. dhs dr did up the mgs on his abilify,dh is 53 with eoad and parkinsons. he is in stage 7,so it's hard to imagine to alot of you that he would even be able to hit or punch,but he gets that strength somewhere. today he could not keep his balance,he has days like that that are worse,some days are not quiet as bad. i can pick him up out of the floor,and if he is upset or angry,no matter how tired or hurt he is he will start elbowing at me or pushing against me,wich makes it very hard to get him up. i always have to stand behind him and put my arms under his arms and lock my hands together on his chest to get him up. it is extremely hard. today our daughter stayed with him while i ran to the grocery,we were out of everything. she usually picks things up for me,but i havent been out in 3 wks. so i needed to go myself. dh feel and ran into several walls and pieces of furniture while i was gone,now daughter has hurt herself,getting him up out of the floor. dh dad and brother came for a shoet visit while i was out. i don't expect his dad to try to help,he is elderly and has his own helth problems,but his brothers could help me out,it just makes me angry. he was always,and i do mean always there for them and helped them any way he could. i will never forget this life lesson. the more you do for people,the less they will think of you when you are down,or that is the way it seems in our situation. dhs dr told me he would call hospice transitions on monday,so i should get some help for a couple of hours a week. a woman we know that lives up the road,works at a nursing home part time,she called and left a message and i need to return her call. i will have to see what she will charge to come and help me a some,i just don't know how we are going to afford it. thanks for all your advice. i feel like i blew the hitting thing out of puportion. i know it happened,i am still sore from it,but i know it really wasn't him that did it,it was the disease. i would never take him to the hospital again,that was a total dasasder when he was there in jan. they did nothing for him,it just made him worse. i will do the best i can with what resources i have available to me,which,isn't much. he's either too young,too much money [which is a joke],wrong disease[you need an open wound that needs to be dressed],shorter life expectency or something that fits into the neat little criteria of goverment help,hospice help,home health care,etc..... jav
jav--He hit you. You still hurt more than 24 hours later. IT WAS THAT BAD. Hopefully upping his meds will help. Definitely return the woman who works in the nursing homes's call. And follow up for the hospice transitions. Getting them in should help and with the combination of the AD and Parkinsons, I bet he does qualify. I don't think an open wound requiring dressaings is required. Falling and unable to get up or help get himself up are of great concern for your health(and your daughter got hurt getting him up too)). If he's down and fightibng you when you try to get him up, had you considered giving him a pillow and blanket, and telling him when he's ready to cooperate you'll get him up? Maybe i you called the paramedics to get him up--once or twice, thewm notifying the Dr. and Social Services would shake things loose. Let your Area Agncy on Ageing know too. Sometimes you just have to be the screetchiest wheel in their face to get their attention. If you ask in a gentle soft voice and just accept their blanket denial, they can keep their cae loads light. Plus, sometimes when you go back, you talk to someone else (who knows more?) and you get a different (better) answer. It's time for you to ROAR!!!
I'm going to second calling the paramedics if you can't get him up off the floor by yourself. If he is fighting you, you need to stop trying to get him up off the floor.
You say he is in stage 7, is falling regularly, can't get up off the floor by himself, and that he has Parkinson's too. How do you know Hospice won't help you?
As Carosi says there is an Area Agency on Ageing in every county. Some rural counties have to share one, but every county is covered. You need to call them and ask for a social worker visit so you can get some help. When I was looking for information I was told that I could have such a visit for no cost. And they tend to be the doorway to much of the help that is out there.
i called dh's dr and begged him to call hospice and told him i had to have some kind of help and dh was so bad and getting worse so rapidly, please please call hospice. hospice called me yesterday and the nurse came out today. i was afraid to hope that i actually would get help. well we got it. the nurse said he defiently qualified,i just thank god they changed their mind. i just can't believe i finally am going to be getting some help. i am so worried after all the trouble i have had with them,they will change their mind. it seems too good to be true. jav
thank goodness jav. thats going to be a huge relief for you now. send the dr a note letting him know he did qualify. may make a difference in the future if he is having to make that call again for another person. let us know how its going once hospice is on board. i know you are very relieved. get some rest and let hospice do the work now. divvi
jav, I have had you and your husband in my prayers. I too hope that hospice will be there for you and that the doctors will increase his medication to make his days and nights easier for all. Take care of yourself too!
I was also going to suggest, as Divvi did, that you send a letter! to the doctor and let him know that with his specific symptoms, he DID qualify for Hospice. If you call the office and tell the receptionist, chances are the info will never get to him. Write "personal" on the bottom left corner of the envelope!! He'll read it! Be nice, but be frank and let him know. Doctors really don't know who will or will not qualify all the time. They have a more generalized opinion. Thank heavens you got help.