Well, I got DH into an adult day program. It was a choice between two and I think we chose the best one. I really left it up to him in the end, after he spent some time at each one. I'll need to transport him next week til I can arrange van transportation. I'm going back to work on Monday after being on leave for 12 weeks. The kids will have to take the bus to and from school, which is going to be a transition for them!! I'm a bit nervous and hope it all goes well.
When I dropped DH off at the day program yesterday to try it out, I was struck by this overwhelming loneliness. Not that I haven't spent all day without him with work and everything, but I just felt so alone and lost. I was tempted to pick up our two year old from daycare early so he could distract me from this feeling. I couldn't help feeling that it's the first step in preparing to be completely without him someday. I hate feeling that way. I know it's negative and I need to stay positive right now for everyone. Have any of you felt this way?
Next week is going to be tough, but I'll have to get through it. One day at a time.
Understandable feelings, completely. I often have those wistful moments where I'm acutely aware that we've passed another milestone on the road to the end. I hope the daycare works well. That's a step I can't really yet imagine.
I am just imagining your feelings. I'm not there yet, to the point of having someone stay with DH, or him going to adult day care while I return to work. Though I can't go on long without facing a return to work. I have teens, and they like to sleep a little later, but the kids will have to change their a.m. routines and catch the bus. Or start driving themselves. DH used to drive them to school every day, last school year. This year I can't let him do that. I find myself worrying so much more (and feeling anxiety) that if I get sick or injured, right now I'm the only one in the family who drives. What would we do? I just feel the anxiety that the whole household won't function if something happens to me. Ugh! I DO, and I DON'T want to go back to work..... just to get time to myself. I'll be thinking of you, and wishing you and your DH and kids a smooth transition next week.
It was at day care that I saw DH was going on a journey where I could no longer follow. In our real life, I'd have followed him anywhere he asked me to go, but of course, he didn't ask then & I couldn't follow then. We were older, no children at home, I simply cannot imagine what it must be like when children are still in the house. I send you my deep admiration and whatever courage, patience and strength you need.
It breaks my heart to think of those of you who have children at home. My journey is easy compared to yours. You, especially, do not deserve this and I hope some day you will find that, once again, you have a life of your own full of wonder, excitement, and happiness. Until then, I hope you can lead a parallel life of your own--separate in all ways from AD. Today I ran into two old friends whom I had not seen in a couple of years and neither recognized me. I have aged so. I don't wish this on my worst enemy.
My loving and wonderful husband (married for 25 years) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's on Jan. 25th. In the past year he showed small signs of memory loss but nothing very dramatic. In September he really started showing strange signs - he put his clothes on backwards and shoes on the wrong feet - I would show him and he would immediately put them on correctly. We have had the most loving filled 25 years I could have ever hoped for. We have done everything together - racewalking - go to the gym to work out, movies, sitting on the beach every weekend in the summer - wherever he was I was and wherever I was he was (I love our life together.) During December he started losing concept of time and became very worried when I wasn't home. I work 5 days a week because I have to work - money is not good. Then one day - he showed me a plastic container that he placed on the stove top and melted it. I knew I had to do something. I had no idea what was wrong but I did know I couldn't keep calling him all day from work and I couldn't leave him alone. I am a Catholic so one morning I just asked the Blessed Mother to please help me - what do I do? Daycare came into my mind. I went on line and looked and there it was day care centers. I checked out some and came across one that was small and seemed like they all really care. I started him in this Daycare on January 7th and I have been depressed everyday that he goes. I spend all my lunchtimes riding around just crying. I feel lonely and depressed. I also worry all the time because I know if anything happens to him - I need to sell my house - just everything is overwhelming to me.
This is the first time I'm talking about all of this to anyone so if it seems long - I'm so sorry but it sure feel goods to share some of this. Especially since I run into people all the time and they tell me their mother had it or their father and quite frankly it is so so different with a spouse. I'm losing my lover, my best friend, my life and it hurts hurts hurts.
Welcome to my website. You have come to the right place. We are all spouses experiencing the same emotions, because, yes, it is so different with a spouse. Nothing you write on these Message Boards is too long - we are here to listen, offer our shoulders, and sometimes even some good advice. We are all in different stages of this miserable journey, so there is always someone to learn from.
Please take some time to look through the topics on the left side of the website - there's a lot of good information. Also, please click on "previous blogs" on the left side of the website, and look through the blogs I have written. You will find many with which you can relate.
Again, welcome. This is the place where spouses can be totally honest about marital situations and AD that no one else could ever understand.
One of the hardest things about this is being left with the feeling that everything is on your shoulders, and NOT feeling up to the task. Sometimes I just look at dumb stuff like the back garage door looking in need of varnish, or light fixtures going funky, and I wonder how in the heck I'm going to be able to deal with the increase in stuff like this as time goes on.
joang You have no idea I happy (or I should say relieved) I am to hear from you. I feel like I've been living in a nightmare and can't get out of it. I've wanted to go online and have not been able to do it until now. I also wanted to call the Alzheimer's association but couldn't because my husband is always here listening and I don't want to hurt him in any way (he is always apologizing to me because he knows there is something wrong - he wants me to take him to a surgeon to be sure there is not a brain tumor.) So anyway I'm glad I found this site and you can be sure I will be reading and reading all the blogs on this site - I know I need it so badly (I dread what tomorrow wil bring.) I read the 36 hr. day and quite frankly it depressed me more.
Last night we went to a sing-a-long with friends and I decided I was just going to go and have a good time. All was well until this woman came up to me and said that her father had AD and she proceeded to tell me how bad it will get and how he was in the VA for six years. I told her my husband has not reached that point yet that he is able to get up in the morning and take a shower. She said "my father said he took a shower but never did". Needless to say, I was not a happy camper last night.
During this past week I decided to write a letter as to what has happened to my husband - I made a bunch of copies and sent to all our old friends that we haven't seen in quite a while (we moved a distance from them.)
I woke up this am still thinking of what that woman said to me and then the phone started ringing and old friends were calling left and right and what a wonderful feeling it all was.
Then I find this site and I don't feel so alone today. God Bless you all!
Emily, you are so right - my husband always took care of stuff and now I'm attempting. I came home one day and found the doorknob broken - I had to go to the hardware store and ask they guy how to fix it - yucks.
Mar, As tough as it may be, please contact an elder law/estate planning attorney to help with the legal issues you will face. As Joan mentioned, there are several old posts on this subject that have great information. DickS
DickS, Thank you so much. I will be calling an attorney tomorrow. I do know a good one. We actually have gone to one a couple of years ago and had all our necessary legal documents made. I have a power of attorney, health and finance, a living will, a will.
Is there something more I should be looking at? Mar.
On the front page of my website, look to the left side, and scroll down until you get to Finances. Click that on, and you will find a lot of information. At the end of that section, there is another link to click that takes you to a complete set of financial information from the Alzheimer's Assoc. There is information in there about how to pay for services such as Adult Day Care.
Also, look at the top of the Message Boards. Click on "search", put a dot in "topic", and write in "finances". You will find what has been written on that topic on our Message Boards. Also, you can just flip through the pages (1-6) listed on the bottom and top of these boards, and see some topics on Social Security Disability and some others that have to do with finances.