You are all so sweet! I found the other post you guys started titled "Nikki" and got to crying. Read Dazed and Diana's threads and started crying harder. So had to leave..... Damn I hate this disease. I hate what it is doing to everyone of us and our loved ones. Damn! crying again....Lord but I am a mess. ACCCCK. I didn't think I had a tear left in me. WRONG. Been crying non stop since I placed Lynn.
He is getting better about staying. He still hates it. Still asks to go home every visit. But the time frame in which he is drastically upset is getting less each time. He believes I am upstairs in the hospital. All the staff is wonderful in keeping this "fiblet" ( therapeutic lie) Never dreamed I would lie all the damn time to my husband. It doesn't sit well with me, but as we all know, it is the kindest thing we can do for them.
We had a big meeting with all the heads of the home, about his care plan. They all feel the adjustment period has begun for him. Some of these folks have seen me on my knees sobbing for all I am worth. They rubbed my arm and said he is doing much better than you are dear. I believe them.
He no longer paces and paces. Every time I go in he is either laying down on his bed watching TV or reading his newspapers or looking at picture books. They will slowly try to introduce him to activities and let him set the pace as to what he wants to be involved in. I still do his sponge baths and make him change his clothes.... he is still very aggressive in not wanting to do this. But, they will slowly try to take over these tasks too.
He still isn't eating well. This is a big concern of mine. At home he ate all the time and still lost weight! He was already down to 117 eating all the time!! So, not eating much is very troubling to me. They are going to have someone from nutrition come sit with him for at least two meals a day to try to distract him and coax him to eat. He will eat lunch for me every day, but only because I have to bribe him, much like you would a child. *sigh. But, whatever works!
It's hard. Harder than I ever imagined in my worst of thoughts. But, I know he needs to be there. More important, I know he is safe! I am going to start going to the support groups I should have been going to all along, but couldn't because I had to stay with him 24/7. They have a bereavement therapy class for Alzheimer spouses they want me to attend. Grief, it is all I feel now. I think I will go.
Nikki I know it was hard just posting this for you to share your feelings at this time. I feel i relive your pain everytime you tell us how hard it is- as I have always felt the kindred spirit between us. I know your actions and feelings would be similiar to what mine would be so I can only imagine what bereavement you are experiencing. please take the time to heal yourself spiritually and physically. Lynn will adjust more and more each day and over the long term you will finally be able to come to terms he is in a better place for his care. hugs and prayers you get some relief soon and can begin the much needed healing process. Divvi
Dearest Nikki, I am so very sorry this is so hard on you. The support groups and therapy class will be very good for you, you'll see. You need to get your feelings out, and you need the understanding and caring that Lynn is no longer able to give you. Once he really starts getting adjusted, he'll go back to eating better. It sounds like you found a wonderful place for him. Now, see if you can find a wonderful place for yourself.
Nikki, at one time, I would fuss about my DH eating his pudding or pie before he ate his dinner (at home). A nurse told me that if you let them eat something SWEET first, it starts up their eating routine and often they will eat more. Would you believe that is TRUE? It works for us. We're still at home, and I give him a Jello pudding cup or something similar on his tray every meal..and he invariably will grab it, eat it all, then proceed to finish all the food on his tray. They tell me that SWEET is the last taste they can sense..and all other tastes like nothing. Whatever works, right? Try giving your husband his pudding or something sweet tasting first...and see if he will eat more. It's worth a try.
Nikki, I am so glad you are feeling well enough to post now and then. I hope you continue to improve and know you did the very best for Lynn. Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. God Bless.
Nikki, so happy that you found time to check in with us. Our shoulders are BIG, but you already know that. Maybe you could update us on the grief counceling from time to time, just to give us an idea of what they are sharing with you. Someone here just might need the input, maybe me!....M
Oh Nikki, we have been thinking of you. so glad you have Lyn settled. he will adjust, now it's time for you to take good care of yourself. you have been a wonderful wife to him, and have taken excellent care of him for so long. God Bless you.
Nikki, so glad you posted! Sounds like he is adjusting and that is good. I know it is tough, but with each passing day, hopefully you will be making your own adjustments to the reality of the situation. Handing over the care is good. Your own health could not have withstood the 24/7 any longer. Hugs!
Nikki, it takes time to heal. Hopefully each day will be a little easier for you. Believing you are just upstairs is probably comforting to him and the grief counseling groups will be good for you now that you have time to go. {{{{Hugs}}}}
Nikki: the month was June and the year was 2003 when I first put my DH in a nursing home...I felt somewhat as you in that I felt guilt, and the fact that our marriage was no longer a blending of two people in love and committed to goals for mutual fulfillment. I found that the grieving process I was undergoing would not have closure, that part of the process was for my husband's loss but also I grieved for myself and my ongoing sense of despair. I do believe that it helps much to be able to participate in a bereavement therapy group and to verbally be able to cleanse your emotions with empathetic group members. I also found that if I felt guilt and subsequently sacrificed any opportunities to enjoy a life apart from him that my emotional life was truly wasted as my sacrifices did not help him. I suppose the purpose of my message is to reassure you from my experience that your DH will adjust to the NH , you can now hopefully , when you visit, give him quality attention and enjoy being able to be rested . He is in an environment now where he is being cared for so that when you two are together you can concentrate on communicating with him as much as possible. I took CD's to my dear one's room so we could listen to his favorite songs and singers, we shared photographs of our family, friends,and any other pictures he might recognize, we took walks around the home's surroundings. I would take him his favorite fast food occasionally. I found these activites helped to keep the visit as pleasant as possible . I am not attempting to tell you that you will ever truly enjoy the fact that he is there(NH) and you are here(home) but you can begin to make a life for yourself and thus be able to accomodate the different life you have in this ongoing, changing journey of ALzheimers shared with your beloved stranger.
Nikki, glad to see you back and so sorry that you and Lynn are having so much trouble adjusting to all the changes. It does get better and you will learn better coping mechanisms. Joining the support groups sounds like a great idea for you.
So good to be back. ((hugs)) (I also updated on Joan's April 1 blog)
I needed some time. I was trying to cope with placing Lynn... I took it extremly hard. And that is putting it mildly! In that same time frame I was also trying to cope with the one year anniversary of my Dad taking his life last month. Was a bit too much for me to be truthful. I just wasn't able to post.
Lynn is doing poorly health wise.. so heartbreaking. :( . He is down to 102 pounds and so very hard to witness. Things are looking up, in that he has adjusted. Thanking God for that!
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and support while I wasn't able to be here. ((hugs)) Nikki
Nikki, I glad to hear that Lynn is adjusting, but I am sorry for the weight loss. When you feel like posting do, when not, just remember you are in all our prayers. Hugs, Kadee
Nikki, you have been in my thoughts and prayers for over a year now, and I have sent you hugs daily while you have had to go through this agony. You have such a tender and big heart! I wish I could give my hugs in person! This will continue to get harder, and I pray that you have the strength you will need during the next few months. Please keep us updated when you feel up to it. Know that we continue to be with you in spirit.
Awww thank you ((hugs)) It still hurts soooo much. I have a hard time coming here, but I need to be here. So, I come only when not in tears, and when I feel strong enough to offer some hope to others in the darkness of AD.
Lynn was in crisis this week... he wouldn't eat. I know how many of you feel about "force feeding" so I didn't come and share that particular pain. I would never do a feeding tube, but I am not ashamed to say I used everything I could think of to get him to eat! He is still so healthy in every other aspect, heart - lungs -etc.....
I just got part of him back!!! He loves me again. He is sweet, he wants to hold hands.. we do more together now in my visits to the NH than I thought we ever would again. My nursing cap is hung up, and now I can just be his friend. I am not ready to let him go!!!! So yeah, I made him eat.. and am glad I did too. He is doing much much better. Is eating and drinking his boosts. I truly think the only thing that was wrong is the medication upsets his tummy, so he didn't eat.. then he took more meds on an empty stomach.. and that upset it even more. Who would want to eat!
I'll be back when I can... much love, strength and peace wished for all of you ((hugs)) Nikki
Oh, Nikki, so very good to hear from you. Lynn never stopped loving you and now you know it! So, yeah- keep him eating! Peace to you and Lynn and hugs to both.
((Maggie)) He has been there 7 weeks on Tuesday. Each week got better, I promise. It will be harder on you, than it is on him in the long run. We are here for you.
Vickie, I got proof again of that today.... I want to share it with all of you.
I put lots and lots of pictures up. Big 8x10 and 11X16 's so he could clearly see them. I also did smaller 5x7's for his night stand etc. One is our wedding picture. On the matt, I wrote on the top... I LOVE YOU! and on the bottom our names. I noticed some scribble every now and then on the Matt frame under the I love you... today, in his writing.. I could make out .. I love Nikki. OMG, I burst into tears. He took that frame apart, to write that, and it took him weeks.
The nurse was there, and she said, seemings you are already crying, take a look at this..... she then reached in his drawer and pulled out the photo album I had made. I wrote on each page, and added scrap book appliques to match the theme, wedding , family , vacations etc etc
On the inside cover, I had written in big words, Nikki Loves Lynn............ and he drew an arrow to make it so Lynn Loves Nikki, and written "I love her more". *GASP*.... He IS still in there somewhere, and he still loves me greatly! He may not be the man I married, but to have just this small piece of him back.. after so many years of pure hell... there just are not words to describe it. It is a precious gift I have been given. One I am so grateful for.
Nikki, I already knew you were an amazing person to face all that you have faced and still only talk about your total love for Lynn. But now I know that the love you share was amazing and total. What a wonderful testament to the power of love. I am so glad you have been given this chance to feel loved again and to know that Lynn would never stop loving ... Hugs to you.
Nikki, i hadnt read this til now. its a wonderful testament to how they do have the ability to come back at times. i have one like yours, my DH wrote on a breakfast napkin a while back, " I, (FULL NAME) do hereby state that i love my wife (myNAME) with all my being"....evidentally the lawyer in him wrote it like this::))i was in shock when i saw it as i was cleaning his little table he eats at..i boohooed for hrs and i put it in a frame so i wouldnt lose it. i see it everyday as i pass by =it reminds me of what he feels even thru all the misery at times we deal with.
god luvem- he wrote it like a power of atty===awwww...he also wrote me a love letter a while back which i saved as well i knew writing was becoming an issue. it took him 3 tries and he scratched thruwords and replaced them with other on the card! he was 'briefing' my love letter before he gave it to me..50 yrs of atty does not go easily...these 2 things are my prized positions at this point..divvi
Those items will bring you lots of happiness! I worked for attorneys as a legal assistant for almost 30 years! Soon after my husband was dx'd, I noticed one of our partners wasn't "up to par" as he had been. I kept watch and just knew he had some form of AD- but didn't think it was ALZ. I mentioned it to his wife (good friend and also partner), but she didn't want to hear it. They waited so long to get him to a doctor and he was finally dx'd as Lewy Bodies. This was about 5 years ago and he is in an ALF but doesn't know anyone, etc. So very sad. And although he doesn't know who I am, whenever I see him I talk about some of our "times together doing law things" and usually he can relate somewhat to those conversations! Guess they never lose that attorney thing!
Nikki and Divvi - I know just how you feel. I have been working with the facility my husband is at to lower the depakote. It is making a nice difference in him. The other day, he looked at me and said "I love you". I haven't heard that for months. I started crying and had to tell him that the tears were "happy" tears. The moments he can still give me are such a treasure, I try and store them to help through the difficult times.
Nikki, that is so beautiful, it made me cry. I have already pulled out some pictures. I have a tendency to be "take charge" so I'm going to give myself a little time to get his room full of nice memories. The doctor will be here Wed. to sign off on the paperwork so that I can admit him on Friday. Sigh.
Nikki, Divvi, therrja and Maggie, you are all strong women and I'm fortunate to know you! Thank you for sharing these moments with us...it will be of help to us when our time comes. Joyful, I admire you and I loved your post. Thank you.
Maggie, I don't just have a tendency to "take charge" - I do it automatically!!! Ha Ha <grin>
You all have me with tears in my eyes.... so nice to have them be from happiness for a change!
Treasure those moments... I know I am! ((Divvi)) ((therrja))
((Maggie)) I am still bringing in things now. But I had all the pictures enlarged and framed in one day! I went in the night before to get his room all decorated, so it would look more like home when he got there. I think it helped. Keeping you in my thoughts, with special prayers headed your way for Friday. ((HUGS))
((Anita)) what a lovely reply, you had me in tears. So sweet, thank you!!! Much love, Nikki