I am posting this before our emergency meeting with the neurologist. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com, and read today's blog.
This nightmare is not just about the driving - it is about brain damage that is fueling obessive thoughts and uncontrollable rages and deep depression. The driving triggered it, but my opinion is that because of the damage, I think this behavior would have occured anyway - it just would have taken longer and been a bit milder. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore - I'll see what the doctor says.
Please read the blog and post responses here. Thanks.
Dear Joan, we are all worried for you. this scenario you are writing about is not healthy anymore for you. the ones of us who have been down this disparaging road where you find yourself, also had run out of options. it was him or me. you must do the same for you, time to put what Sid wants on the back burner and get you the needed relief for yourself. be it, drugs or placement. I do believe as many of us testify to, they will eventually move out of this aggressive and abusive state into something more calm. at least we pray he does. your options at this point,? find the right combo of meds to sedate him enough to get thru this awful part of the trip. if you have to see the neuro every other week so be it. i myself, was at wits end too with the same disturbing behaviours and resorted to zyprexa. he slept alot during that time but it was necessary for his well being and mine. notsure if you have tried the seroquel everyone seems to have good results with. remember some meds only exacerbate the aggressiveness and so a constant tweaking is necessary or complete change to try something else. insist until you find the right meds. the only choices are to medicate anyand all options- and get thru this part with your sanity-- or placement and let THEM medicate im anyway. be sure they will medicate to the extent necessary with a history of aggressiveness or at the first outburst. please take care of yourself and maybe think of a couple days away without sid if possible. thinking of you and very special hugs- divvi
Oh Joan, I am so sorry for this trouble. I have dealt with it only a tiny bit, when Dick has been onpainkillers, and I can only imagine the horror you are enduring. Please know we hold you in our thoughts and prayers. Do whatever you have to do for your own wellbeing.
Joan, I completely agree with Divvi. Medication is our friend. We have to survive. We have to take care of our spouses to the best of our abilities, while maintaining our health and sanity. We don't WANT to medicate them, we want them back the way they were, but that is not going to happen.
You have to take care of Joan in order to take care of Sid. I hope the neurologist changes his medication to something that curbs his anger and rages. If not, take him back and tell the neurologist that it didn't work, and you need something stronger.
We are all behind you 100 percent! Please let us know what the doctor said. We need you!!! And we need you healthy! And we need you happy!
Joan, medication is a good thing when they are agressive. My husband went through this stage and he doesn't have FTD. One doctor explained to me that when they are progressing to new stages that there is sometimes a lot of aggression.
I eventually placed him. One of the positives that came out of that for me was that he transferred his aggression to his caregivers and was very nice to me. After placement even when he was at his worst aggression stages, he always calmed down when he saw me or I was there. I have put myself between him and something "dangerous" so many times, I am probably very lucky that he never hauled off and hit me. Even today, the CNAs tell me that when he gets stubborn, they just say my name to him and he does what they want him to.
The way you talk about SID before AD, he would never have wanted to put you through what you are going through now. The rule of taking care of the caregiver is there for a very, very good reason.
Hey Joan, if you find that magic drug for either one of you, please tell us. My DW has been throwing her tantrums for over two years now. I have still not learned a good way to bring them to a halt. I've tried all the tips from the threads but only thing that really works is to nip it in the bud before it really gets started. Once it gets going it is almoslt too late. I will try to give her another Clonopin and it seems to help after 10-30 minutes.
The big killer for me is when she tells me "Nobody told me!!!!!!!" I still haven't figured out when to tell her we are going somewhere---early or late. Neither seems to work.
Hope the Dr can help. BTW I take Lexapro to help my depression cause the anger actions really pull my spirits down.
Joan, please remember you are allowed to take care of yourself. In fact, you have to take care of yourself. Or nothing else will work.
bille, it doesn't matter when you tell them or if you tell them. I get the Nobody told me!!! too, but I've gotten to the point where I just say, yes I did.
The Nobody told me symptom pre-dates my husband's major event which drove his dementia. It is one of the reasons I know that he already had mild dementia before the event, and probably had it for years. The event just made the whole thing worse.
Thank you everyone - you always make me feel better. The doctor squeezed us in this morning, and much to Sid's horror, put a complete end to the driving issue. It's done; it's over, and now he has to deal with it. The doctor said that the most important thing is to calm Sid down, so it doesn't escalate into anything physical. He doesn't generally handle this type of medication - he leaves it to the psychiatrist down the hall, but since she's on vacation, he increased the meds. and ordered us to see her as soon as she comes back sometime next week.
In the midst of this mess, I guess I got the validation I was looking for. Not that I didn't KNOW that this abominable behavior is caused by the disease, but it was somewhat comforting to hear the doctor say it. He also concurred that the AD is now affecting the frontal lobe.
Too much drama for me - I'm worn out and Sid is depressed. We're going out to the movies tonight with a couple of friends. He likes that, so hopefully, he'll feel a bit better.
yes joan seems hes unfortunately progressing in the disease just like the rest of us have to deal with it in ours. get to that psychiarist as soon as possible for a followup. call that office and set up an appt even though shes out of town. they usually have a waiting time to get in- if she gives you the goround, have this dr intervene on your behalf to get in asap- Fianally! a dr that says get him on enough meds to avoid the outbursts! good fo ryou getting him in..my best as always..take some time and regroup. divvi
This disease really puts the marriage vows to the test. I am amazed that many have survived the tests. I know that my days will becoming and I hope that I am half as commited as most on this site.
Joan, I read your blog, with heaviness in my heart. You & I respond so differently.
Yesterday was my birthday. I had to be at work at 7 a.m. for inventory. I was nervous driving, because we have had a huge snow storm here & the city was closed the day before.
When I got home (after seeing an opthamologist telling me he didn't think I would need the surgery I had thought I would have to have! Great BD gift) my husband said nothing about my birthday & just wanted to make sure HE had enough spaghetti for HIS dinner.
We were having a conversation about a job which he had been previously offered vs. the one he has now, & he said "well, they wouldn't give me a gas reimbursement." I said, well, this job doesn't either. He hit the roof!!!!! On & on screaming "you just want to criticize me, etc. etc." Huh? I just made a comment in conversation.
I finally said, this is my f***ing birthday & not only did you forget, but you are screaming at me like I am the enemy. Well, that shut him up & he went upstairs, no apology, no happy birthday.
I wasn't hurt at all. I know what emotional pain feels like. I guess I have developed a barrier around myself. He would never have reacted this way 10 years ago. I know that he is not himself, and all I feel is stuck. I am just tired of not being able to have a normal conversation where I make a comment without having to worry about how he will react to it. I guess I know there can be trouble, but never anticipate it. Can 2 people live together without conversation? I try to stick with the basics, but boy, that sucks.
The difference between Sid & my husband is that Sid is aware he has problems. I think that makes things worse. He is fearful, and probably takes a lot out on you as the closest & easiest target.
I hope you can find a drug that will calm him down. If my husband gets to that point, I will have to take action.
I know you are tired. I felt like I had been beaten down last night, but I don't have the emotional connection with my husband that you do with Sid. It is sort of like I am having sort of an "out of body" experience, where I watch what is going on, but don't feel it. I am just annoyed that I have to deal with it.
If the drugs don't work my dear Joan, you will have to consider other options as others have suggested. You know what road he is going to travel, but you don't have to ruin your life along with it.
Someone's life has to be saved, and since his is a losing battle, unfortunately, yours is the only one left.
I am sending you love, and heartfelt gratitude for this site.
happy belated birthday Kitty!! how many??:) sorry he didnt remember- we have to travel the nostalgic days by ourselves now it seems AD or dementia or whatever it is.. divvi
Joan, its often in our educational background as educators, counselors etc, that we are much more objective and insightful with helping others than when in our own personal dilemmas. It is a good thing to apply now, the many wise and helpful suggestions you've so generously provided to me and everyone here. A good thing that doctors will help provide the medication needed to keep things on even keel. That was good news for sure.
If you can, give yourself a break, even if its just to a mall to walk around and look the new spring stuff.. and breatheeeee.. (of course this is something I need to do as well..hee hee).. Hoping this day is better.
Ohhhh, Joan, Judy is soooo right. I sneak out, Ok I admit it. I say I'm going to the grocery store, and maybe I'll stop at the trift shop to see my friends, (I used to volunteer there), or to CVS, or if he's sleeping to Target. It keeps me sane. I know it's not much, but you do what you can... and don't forget that wine at dinner. happy birthday to Kitty. My darling doesn't remember either, til I give him my gift to give me, wait til you see what I'm getting this year (grin). thank goodness I have kids who call me.
Birthdays (forgotten) used to bother me but not any more. DH has never been much on gift buying so daughters usually bought something for him to give to me. I have told them not to worry about it any more. I just go out and buy something for myself and will enjoy. This works much better because I can use what I buy, or look at it. I bought myself a new watch for Valentines Day and held my arm out for him to see "what he bought me". We were both happy.
Joan, finally you did get the confirmation you needed to go forward with Sid's care. The rage and anger is a very hard thing to live with, I know. Been there, done that and more! If it wasn't for my dh's meds, I feel I would not be here taking care of him. Why is your neuro not the one to prescribe meds for your dh? I would think that this is not a psychiatric issue but a medical one.
My husband never failed to send or give me flowers for our anniversary. Last year my daughter mailed a present to his facility so he would have something to give me on my birthday (that was a lost cause). As our 50th approaches I know my three children want to do something-but what. It's really pointless. It doesn't hurt so much any more-guess I'm numb