1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the diagnosis at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. 2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain in your heart.. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one while you still could. Why didn't you go to the doctor sooner. It might have been curable 'back then'. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase and the tears will flow day in and day out. You'll continually think "IF ONLY"! "IF ONLY WE HAD TAKEN THE TIME ..." Life is full of regrets over what might have been. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. You may rail against his fate, while questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair. 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, (say: after he has been placed in a Memory Care facility) a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving for the loss of your partner's presence at home. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your pending loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. You'll avoid couple gatherings and places you enjoyed going together. 5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one , your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one to guide you or to support you. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and preparing to live your life without him or her. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before your loved one became ill. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. _______________________________ I hope this helps someone . Love, Nancy
there is another stage in grievung,,,the grief one experiences when their LO passes away . I thought I had grieved endlessly during the 9 yrs. my husband had Alzheimer's. I thought he had left me long ago and I was caring for a beloved stranger and that the actual death would not be so devastating but I was w r ong. When my Earnie actually died and I no longer can visit him, hold him, kiss him, and look on his sweet face, I now have a different form of grief. I suppose this grief will become tolerable as time passes but now every thing is a memory of how life used to be,. I have his cover that still smells like his scent that was on his bed at the home. I wrap myself in it and imagine it wrapped around him. At the end of his life as he lay dying, I am positive he had a clear mind once more as he wou ld blink his eyes in response to m y questions. I was able to climb into bed with him and held him in my arms as he lay near death. All of the endless years of mental separation was washed away in o ur renewed oneness.
Right now I can't think of a future but I know it is now here Hopefuly my memories can now be of ou r past happiness and the years of being apart will fade .
Oh Joyful, I'm so sorry. You are in the first Stage of the next chapter of grieving now. And there will be more steps to take. The last step I have mentioned includes these words: ............ Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before your loved one became ill. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. _______________________________ I know that sounds like so much crap (excuse me..) right now, but time truly is a healer. Earnie will always be part of what makes you "YOU".... It's the void you are feeling now. If only we could 'fast forward' this miserable time. I've been thinking about you and your posts about your husband. I am so very sorry for you. Even though I don't know you personally, I feel a connection to you and I do sincerely care about how you are feeling. Nancy B
Oh Joyful, I'm sitting here crying for you and the pain you must be feeling. There are no words to make you feel better, I know that. Just know that you are loved, by so many.
Joyful, you make me tear up, my heart breaks for you. I pray peace will come to your heart....very soon. All of us here will be in your place. I for one, hope that I manage to be as graceful as you...M
I have spent the last 4 very bad days sobbing over the husband and relationship that I have lost. Then I come to this thread, and I am crying for you. You express your feelings so well - your description of your loss makes me realize that I should try to hang onto whatever thread of connection my husband and I are able to have.
It does seem we don't have to read very much on the message boards to find folks in much more difficult situations. For a lot of us, it helps keep things in perspective.
to the top for jang* and others who are suffering the recent losses of spouses. it may help to know what you are going thru is normal during the grieving periods.
In the case of AD, we can hit these stages well before the actual passing of the loved one, it's worth noting. As a friend of mine who dealt with AD in his mother has noted, most of the grieving is on the front end. This may not be true for all, but it surely has been true for me. I have happily hit the upturn, appropriate or not. Undoubtedly, there will be a different kind of grief at the end, but I'm no longer carrying the pain of losing the relationship so heavily, and I'm sure not arguing with that. I think 8 years was long enough.
I totally agree with you, Emily. After going thru six+ years after diagnosis, changes in him for a good 15 years previously and having my own health issues to content with, I did my grieving during that time. This may sound harsh to some, but it was a relief when he passed on nearly three years ago. I loved him dearly - he was my soul-mate for nearly 39 years, but I hated to see him waste away both mentally and physically. He was coherent enough towards the end that he would look at me, ask what was wrong with him and then start to cry.
After he passed, l missed him terribly, but I know he is in a much better place and is pain free and happy, and I will see him again. It was scary for me to realize that for the first time in 65+ years, I am totally alone and what am I going to do with the rest of my life. I still don't know, but I am plugging away.
Joyful, my heart goes out to you. I was feeling like Joan...reading your post, has made me realize i should be living in the moment, making the most of what time we do have together, not dwelling on what could have been and what's lost. I too was feeling the grief of what we had together...I know it will be a different kind of grief later on, and that I don't know how I'm going to handle.
I have been grieving for a long time and he is still alive and then the grieving is still grieving and then when he passes there will be more grieving, almost like a different list to go on.
The site manager of my wife's day care center has joined with 2 others to develop a 7 week program called "Grieving on the Installment Plan". This is designed primarily for caregivers of patients with Alzheimer's, and deals with the problems we all go through of a new period of grief with each deterioration in their condition.
Marsh when the people at the day care center get that list please let me know. I think I am grieving so much so that I can't see the good sometimes. I am angry, hurt, mad, tired and I still have a lot to go thru before this is over with my dh. I would like to throw up my hands and quit but know I can't. I am miserable and know I am making my son and dh miserable when all I can do is cry. Sorry to go on and on, but sure would be nice to have something positive going on right now.
I don't know what stage of grief I'm in now but whatever it hurts like #$%@. I guess I'm most surprised when dh and I are discussing something and I realize what he is saying just isn't right or sometimes so off. Then I grieve for the help-mate I had in decision making and grieve for myself and feel lost and alone. I've been cuddling with him lately when we go to bed as he is always so cold. At those times it feels almost normal so I'll hang on to that as long as that stage lasts. I miss him so and HE will never be back I must learn to live with this person.
About 9 months after Lloyd was diagnosed, we went together to the funeral director and made all the arrangements for both of us. That was 2009. Now it is all paid for so I don't have to worry our kids with that. BUT I have come to realize that I don't want to bury him. I want to have calling hours and then have him cremated and bring him home with me. We have a close friend whose wife died from tainted heparin used during dialysis and he had his wife cremated. He said having her at home with him was such a comfort besides being the affordable option at that time. He has since remarried and Roseanne is still sitting on the mantle and the new Roseanne (yep, wife #2 has the same name) is totally ok with it. Lloyd and I snuggle a lot. He finds a lot of comfort in it and it almost feels like old times.
DH's mother was cremated and buried with family. And for sometime I have thought about cremation and bring DH home. I think I want to do that. I myself want to donate my body to science. It's not like any of our kids will ever visit us.
Thanks to everyone for expressing your feelings. I feel that I am grieving because Momma is gone from our home and it is empty without her. I still have her pictures, knick knacks clothes, etc., but, sometimes, they make me happy to look at them and be with them and other times, they make me real sad that she isn't still here. Bedtime is the worst time of the day. I would like nothing better that to climb in bed with her and hold her im my arms. I always reached over and patted her in the night to be sure she was Ok.
I have wondered if it would be appropriate to attend a Grief meeting at a large church close to my house, but, I think it is more for people whose loved ones have passed on.
As long as we are on the subject of grief. I have had a question regarding my dh if he dies before I do. We live in Ca. but he wants to be buried in Illinois. He says he does not want to be cremated. I really have no idea how expensive it would be to ship his body back to Illinois. He has little or no contact with his two sons and I have already told him I would not go back to Illinois and be near all these people that have not given him the time of day during his illness. I am totally against viewing bodies and all that goes with having a funeral. Is it totally wrong to go against the wishes of another even if the cost would be financial burden?
I want to be cremated and I have numerous places I want my ashes to be scattered. Golf for many years was my favorite thing to do with many happy memories. My grandson who is a great golfer is going to have some of my ashes put in the shaft of his putter so I will always be with him when he plays golf. One of his favorite memories of me is when I taught him to play golf. He is now teaching his son.
judith were these plans made before AD? if so i think if it were me i would try to honor his wishes. there are quite a few ordinances and laws regarding moving bodies to one state from another, but a good funeral home will know how to get it done. i would check with one now to find out your options and prices. they can also help you find a burial site in illinois. its complicated but they do this all the time. i am sure it would be much more than cremation. cremation would make it easier to transport the remains to illinois and then burial but some people just are against it. hope you find the answers. divvi
I can share what we went through with transporting my parents from TX back to IA for burial. Following a service at the local funeral home, the coffins were prepared for transport. I am not sure of the cost then but they were shipped as cargo. The coffins were covered with heavy cardboard and banded. When my mother died, she was taken to the airport by the funeral home..I did not go with her and I worried about it. The family followed in the next day or two. When my father died, I took him home. I was lucky that we knew the funeral director on a personal level as he picked up my dad ( as he did with my mom) and me too otherwise getting to our destination was up to me.. It was a tough ride knowing my dad was in the belly of the aircraft for his final flight.
It was expensive and each funeral home had charges the first funeral home was the most costly as there are legal things that have to be done for interstate transport. The second funeral home was more costly than we thought but nothing charged was was unnecessary.
My DH has said he wanted to be at Arlington National Cemetery..lately he says locally..I don't know what to do now...will have to think this out. On the one hand I would not be able to go to the cemetery on a regular basis but on the other, If I don't stay in CA and he is here then I would not like that either. Creamation is out of the question.
We and my sister live in TN and will be buried in Okla. I have contacted the local funeral home here in our town about arrangements to ship bodies. The local will take care of this end of the journey we will not buy a casket here as they charge by weight. They will contact funeral home in Okla. she has prepaid funeral so that funeral home will met the plane there and all arrangements have been made. As for us about the same except we don't have prepaid funeral but have talked with funeral director and have plot, stone, etc already taken care of. No funerals for any of us, just memorial services and graveside words to be said. It will be expensive, I'm sure but I'm going to use dh life insurance policy and sister fortunately has resources to take care of the trip back to Okla. As for me, if I outlast him, who knows what kids will do, hopefully what I ask before departure.
JudithKB: I don't think there is any 'right' or 'wrong' way to handle this. When we lived in Phoenix, one of the regulars at the 500 club ask to be cremated and that his golf buddies scatter his ashes on the golf course. They did just that with some on each hole. In fact, some regular golfers that didn't even know him participated as a show of respect.
This might be different, but, it is Ok because that is what he requested.
Funerals are for the living. Both of ours were prepaid. For my husband I chose to have a private grave side service. It was very serene. Our grand daughter who was only 4 at the time was permitted to put a shovel of dirt on the grave and was more interested than afraid. We were all there for each other (three children plus spouse and grand). No receiving line, hand shakes and sore feet. We put sea shells on his grave as a sign that we were there. Husband and daughter were active divers and I know Bill would have liked that. We had prayer services in my home for two evenings later on. That is when neighbors and friends joined me-in comfort and without formality. Gracie (my cherished cat) wandered around the visitors and made everyone feel welcome. I wish for the same for myself when the time comes.
The following has helped me in my grieving for both my Mom and for my son. It says it all, for me:
Miss Me – But Let Me Go When I come to the end of the road, And the sun has set for me, I want no rites in a gloom filled room. Why cry for a soul set free! Miss me a little, but not for long, And not with your head bowed low. Remember the love that we once shared, Miss me, but let me go! For this is a journey we all must take, And each must go alone, It’s all a part of the Master’s plan A step on the road to home. When you are lonely and sick of heart, Go to the friends we know, And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds, Miss me but let me go!
Vicki, that touched my heart. I know at my age that acceptance may be easier. Most of my family and friends have crossed over and I know my DH and I don't have a lot of years left. I worry so about the young ones who have not had the years together to enjoy life and now are faced with this dreadful disease.
Vicki....That is beautiful....I am going to copy it and put it with the instruction for my private service and have my grandson read it. Thank you all for your comments. I know this is such a personal decision and all decisions should be respected.
Mimi, that sounds like such a chore. No disrespect to anyone. But, it sure sounds like I should be looking into this and the cost involved. I understand why my dh wants to be buried near where his parents are and he already has a plot...it is just transporting the body alone that weighs heavy on me. But, maybe I will go first.
Vickie, that also touched my heart and I'm copying it with instructions for it to be read at my funeral. joyful, if you are still with us, how are you doing?
I printed that poem out when it was first written here, but I don’t read it enough. When I do read it my heart breaks. It reminds me that I should try harder not to take what he says personally because HE CAN’T HELP IT! Vickie, thank you for posting it again. You have the right idea & I am going to do that too. In fact I’m going to tape a copy in every room.