Was this the real James Bond? Well, she could handle him. Didn't she take ol Don's jokes in stride? And besides, she was from Texas. And everyone knows that a gal from Texas...
AND is a woman nobody wants to 'mess' with! james bond is right up her alley. freakishly good looking, bronzed like a greek god, teeth like pearls and a lisp.. :LISP?? well he was too perfect. its ok, without her soma bra things arent perfect either. Henry James? can we stop at that Chicos store for a quickstop please? sorry lydia, i have plans that wont wait, i must...
...stop by that gated residential community to get my instructions from M. What could be a better cover for the head of a secret agency than to live in a retirement community? Who would think that the brilliant plan to safeguard the whole world would originate from this innocent-looking villa, surrounded by palm trees and people zooming around in golf carts?
James pulled the Ferrari up in front of a villa. Ever the gentleman, he hopped out and opened Lydia's door before she even had time to puzzle over whether she should open it herself. As she got out, she looked more closely at the Ferrari's front grill. Was that a Hello Kitty face concealed in the grillwork? Oh well, maybe he really DID teach children's literature! As they walked to the front door, a pleasant-looking woman greeted them. "Hello, Joan," James called out. "Look out!" Joan screamed, as a rabid chihuahua ran out of the bushes, baring its one-half inch fangs at them. James immediately.....
Mary, get this my DH doesn't see going to a NH as a threat. He told me that I could do it whenever I needed to.
James immediately jump in front of Joan just as the rabid chihauhau ran towards her and he got bitten instead. They took him to the hospital where his wounds were being attended by a...
veternarian,who was concerned that the dog could no longer perform in the Taco Bell Commercial that they were filming near the bushes. He administered a tetanus shot, and then noticed something in the dog's mouth. He gently opened the dog's mouth and there he found a small .....
Dr. Mark Green, Lydia was so confused, wasn't Dr. Green dead? Had his death been prefabricated? Was he in the witness protection program? Lydia needed answers to ....
the question of why Dr. Green was running down the hallway as the veterinarian was removing the object from the dog's mouth. Then she remembered -- ER was no longer on the air, hadn't been any good after Dr. Green left (actually, for a couple of years before that), so who cared? She needed to focus on James Bond, who was still lying prone on the examining table. A nurse approached with a needle and thread, and started stitching. His small bite wound had been bandaged already, now they needed to sew up the seat of his pants before he could be released from the hospital without being arrested for indecent exposure. Meanwhile, the veterinarian was having a difficult time getting the chihuahua to open his mouth far enough for him to be able to remove the.....
bug that Lydia had discreetly placed in Bond's back pocket. With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, Lydia realized that she would need to reveal her true identity. She had been trying to keep it secret for two reasons. One she didn't want it known that she was investigating the suspicious activity surrounding Professor Lee. And second, from the time she was a child it had been made clear to her that men didn't like smart women. She always tried to conceal her 175 I.Q. and membership in Mensa. And judging from the movies about James, it was apparent that he too avoided intelligence in women; after all, he was known for preferring women with names like Pussy.
How would he react if he knew that she had doctorates in physics and linguistics, not to mention black belts in 4 martial arts, and an Olympic gold medal in fencing? That is why she had been recruited by the top secret American security agency known as.....
B I M B O was indeed the name of the agency when Lydia was recruited. However, she and many other promising recruits refused to join unless the name was changed to something else less demeaning. Subsequently the name became . . .
...subsequently the name of the agency became so long and convoluted that everyone just referred to it as "The Club." Even the President of the United States did not have a high enough security clearance to know the official full name of the organization.
How could Lydia tell him that she was in The Club? He might think that she meant her health club. She WAS, after all, incredibly toned and fit. (She was sure that her all-macaroon and MCT oil diet was what helped her stay in such good shape.) Her reverie was broken as James rolled off the examining table, tried to sit down to tie his shoes, and immediately jumped up again. "#@%& chihuahua teeth!" he exclaimed. "That woman who owns those pooches ought to be charged with assault with a deadly weapon!"
Lydia raised her hand to her mouth to cover her snicker -- men and their low pain thresholds ! -- when suddenly a man burst into the examining room and said
"Who was driving the red Ferrari with the Hello Kitty face in the grill?"
Everyone pointed at James. "He was!" they chorused.
The man pulled out a badge. "I'm Detective Sergeant Friday. This man stole that car from James Lee, the son of my dear friend Prof. Frank Lee......."
"I don't give a damn!" shouted the man formerly known as James.
Friday continued, "He's really an escaped convict, Peter Pepper. His Aunt Joan called and reported that he had appeared at her house, even though she had a restraining order against him. Some people can't take a hint!"
Pulling out a set of handcuffs, Detective Friday cuffed Pepper's hands behind his back, and none-too-gently pushed him out the door. Pepper moaned every time he took a step.
"Boy, that guy really WAS a pain in the butt," the veterinarian remarked. "I'm worried about this little chihuahua, though. What a hero! He could tell there was something wrong with that guy. But since he attacked a human, we're going to have to quarantine him for 60 days."
The nurse who had stitched up Pepper's pants said, "I love little dogs. I'll be happy to take him. He can sit in the window and watch my pet squirrels climb up the refrigerator on the porch!"
And Lydia smiled. She had not had to expose her true identity. She could continue now with the case that had brought her to campus -- tracking down the evil criminal known only by his pseudonym..... Phranque......
Phranque never has evil plans...they are either comical, rediculous, funny, or totally absurd, but never ever ever evil, ever ever not even close to evil.
(way to go Marsh!!!)))) ok shanteuse, janet, phranque/everyone! let loose again:)
'when suddenly a huge tidal wave rushed across the bow of the ship throwing bodies left and right into the blue crystal clear caribbean waters! someone screamed, help!!! i cant swim, !!! it was a females voice, ....
"Letting him cool off after a wonderful ride on the shore and then all of a sudden we were swept off and now will you please throw me a life jacket?" Then, phranque, in his infinite wisdom, did so. Now, the poor horse, treading water, needs a lifeboat lowered, and .......
oh, wait, hes making his way to the shore by himself. hey! the copilot a guy named Joe is hanging on for dear life attached to a striped liferaft. heaven sake, it looks like hes caught an out tide and his raft is taking him seabound! and look over there, 'hey! ahoy friends, says capt phrangque, 'give me your hands and we'll pull you aboard! as he reached out his handsomething dreadful happens and ...
he shrieks, loses his balance, and starts to fall overboard. One of the passengers had a pet squirrel which escaped. The squirrel was looking for nuts, and jumped onto Phranque's backside, digging in with its sharp claws. Fortunately, one of the other passengers grabbed Phranque's skinny legs and kept him from going all the way over. Enraged, Phranque started yelling "What kind of bimbo brings a squirrel on board a ship?" (he must think Noah was a bimbo), but then he sees the squirrel's owner -- an attractive, vivacious woman... va-va-voom ! ! ! ! Forgetting all about poor Joe on the liferaft, Phranque leers at the woman, but she says
my bodyguard named Gourchipper to chip away on you! hes really good carving things up into wierd shapes! by the way, capt phranque, shouldnt you be trying to get everyone on shore and take a head count? this looks like gilligans island! OMG, are thoose natives headhunters????? look! .....
Fruit & nuts. Welcoming everyone to the "Love Boat" But....where is Gopher? Could he have mistakenly aboard-ed the wrong boat...and is now with Ginger & Marianne? Secretly, romancing Mrs. Howell?????
Gopher tossed the secret squirrel overboard and jumped in after it. He is now on the lifeboat with Joe, the squirrel and the horse.....and an empty lifejacket. Suddenly, there is a terribly loud noise, and out of the ocean comes..
a flying saucer that was lurking in the depths, until all these things started happening. A door in the side of the flying saucer opens, and out comes....
stares in awe. Wonder Woman, however, senses that someone is in trouble and has to leave to save the day. She has to put duty first. Poor Joe, he simply...
But Joe is not disheartened. He now has a purpose in life. Unknown to anyone, he is a graduate from a school of wizardry and can, push come to shove, solve any problem. But first he needs to define the problem. Besides being a co-pilot, he is also an engineer, and everyone knows that engineers are problems solvers. The problem, he figures, is that A minus B equals - or was it the other way around? And beside, he has to factor in the bird poop. He needs a different approach. If he could call in the bimbo who owned the squirrel, he could ask her. BIMBO!!! he calls loudly and
A Hobbit appears! "I yelled BIMBO, " says Joe, "not BILBO." Bilbo Baggins, who is greatly offended by Joe's attitude. jumps into the ocean, and swims away to wherever it is that Hobbits go. Joe tries again. He. . .
The Divine One quietly removes the starstudded glove, but not before slapping Joe upside the head with it jewel side up. it leaves a startled look on his face and the imprint of a star on his forehead. "now, call me a bimbo to face face! if you dare???looking quite humbled, joe retreated to the stern of the ship and began calling all survivors to gather, as he has some very important news.(rubbing his forehead as its starting to leave a welt)'Dear Friends, we are .......
now resigning as co-pilot of this ship. I have radioed ahead for a new craft and will be pursuing Wonder Woman. Does anyone want to join me?" Then, in an aside, "But not you, Missy Diivi. Y'll too much for me. Besides, I don't speak Texan."
Divvi put her hands on her hips and laughed. "That'll learn you to mess with a Texan!" Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning around, she was surprised to see
Elvis Presley. "Well, if that don't beat all," she said. "I was dreaming about you last night. That is, when I wasn't dreaming about lmohr canning all those green beans. And I have to tell you, that
"you are just the person we need for our next caregiver cruise entertainment next feb! you have your choice of Looneybin Lounge, MentalMarys Disco, or JollyJoans Caberet for performances!" she bats those excessively longgggg kohl laden lashes and of course Elvis agrees right on the spot !-"-theres only one catch, if.....
Col. Tom Parker says I can't do it, the deal is off ! "
Divvi tried to put on her best poker face, but inside she was filled with horror. Col. Tom Parker? One of the greediest, most selfish promoters in the history of show business? What were the chances he would agree?
Pretending that all was well, she smiled, and in her most seductive voice, batting her eyes, she said, "And where IS that delightful Col. Parker? I've always wanted to meet him?"
Elvis, reaching for another no-bake cookie to stuff into his plump cheeks, said, "Oh, he's right over....." and then he collapsed to the deck!