I feel so defeated today. I just got off the phone with my husband. He's at home and the kids are out of school today due to the holiday. He's upset because our son's room is messy and all Ryan wants to do today is watch tv. I could tell from the things that he told me that he had been in Ryan's room today berating him about all the things that he disapproves of in his room. Ryan's room is messy - he did make an attempt to straighten it some on Saturday - but it's still pretty bad. I just don't think this is something to go to war over. It's RYAN's room. If we don't want to look at it, we don't have to go in there and we can just shut his door. I told Robert that I thought that this was not worth ruinning everyone's day. I told him that if Ryan makes a mess in any other room of the house - then yes, he must clean it up and he must do so to our satisfaction. (Ryan thinks his room is clean right now.)
So that conversation flowed into the "there's no affection between us anymore" conversation. I am so sick of this so tired of hearing how he thinks I'm planning to leave him. What more can I do for him? When will I finally pass the test? We've been married for almost 16 years and I have heard this for all 16 years. What I know and what he will never admit is that this is all because we have not had sex in about 3 weeks. Boy, does this ever put me in the mood!!!!! Why am I always on a time schedule? He tells me his emotional tank is empty and that if I want to have a 'rational' conversation about it, he's willing to do that. I said so in other words, this is my problem and I have to fix it.
I have been bragging to everyone about all the things he's been doing at home. I've been telling him thank you for making the bed, for fixing supper, etc..... I can't hold his hand or even give him a hug because he thinks that means we're going to have sex. I miss that type of affection too. I miss just being able to give him a hug without him getting all worked up. It really disgusts me that I can't do that. It makes me feel like that is all I'm there for - that this is all he wants.
Over our marriage, this is the only thing we have ever fought about. He has threatened to leave me several times because he expects sex at least once a week. I could really care less about it and certainly having someone demand it makes me want it even less. I have been through 2 years of hell with this man and he has no appreciation of this what-so-ever. He is constantly sitting around feeling sorry for himself because of how badly we treat him. We have bent over backwards and then some. I am really really really sick of it....... I think I've bent so far that I'm about to break.
Yes. Hard to know what to do when the things that have always been hard get even harder as the AD spouse totally loses his/her resiliency and ability to talk it out.
Leighanne, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. The sex issue must be one of the hardest to deal with in this disease. We are much older than you but went through similar experience. Fortunately the issue seems to have been put to rest and maybe it will soon be in your case. My husband was always on our son's back too and I used to shut the door and tell him to leave him be. Now that our son is on his own, he is still messy and maybe still rebelling in a sense against the rigidity of his father.
Just want to say that I swear we must be married to men who are clones of each other. Everything from the messy sons room, to the whining about sex. My husband thinks any simple act of kindness is an "invitation" or a consent. And exactly like you, I pulled back from any affection because of how simple kindness is misconstrued, turned into anger and insults from him, and that in no way makes me feel any more willing. And when I've given in he just wants more. Then will insult me (AD=pass) by not even remembering when we last did it. The final straw, while we had numerous house guests we slept in the same room, same bed for a week. He wanted it day and night. (Now if we still had great communication, and great sex, pre- AD, I wouldn't have a problem with that). The fifth night he was turned down. I didn't feel well and he hadn't let me get decent sleep in 5 days. He blew up and went ballistic, insulted me and denied we ever had any sex in months. S....T! That's exactly what I felt like. I keep that date in my head and throw it at him every time it comes up. I don't deserve that under ANY circumstance, including AD. No pass for AD this time. I stick to it and tell him every time he threatens to leave, to go right ahead.
Well, our phone conversation bothered me to the point I felt I had to go home. I was afraid that he had gotten so steamed up at me that he would be yelling and screaming at the kids all afternoon.
So, I get home about 2:30. He's sitting on the porch trying to call me to bring home supper. He's pretty much over the argument. He hadn't forgotten it - but wasn't really mad anymore. He's wondering why I'm still upset and why I came home from work early.......go figure.
We did have a decent conversation. He SAID that he is getting to the point where he doesn't want sex as much anymore as well - which seems to drastically contradict his actions. Maybe, he thinks that I want it and he tries to compensate for his reducing drive by forcing the situation????? I doubt it but I suppose it could be possible. I suggested that maybe we schedule it and that I would be willing to agree to twice a month (which in my mind is meeting him halfway - it averages once a month now). We'll see....But I guess for now that problem is avoided. Of course who knows what I will face when I get home....
New Realm, isn't it nice to know you are not alone? Although I will say, I think you have been through worse than me. Robert just sulks and tells me he knows I'm going to leave him, etc... He never really throws insults.
I couln't believe it when my husband (79 years old) was interested in sex EVERYDAY. I expected the medication to reduce the ability, but his desire has quadrupled. I agree, its almost impossible to feel affection amd want to participate in sex when you are always on edge, waiting for the next explosion, and made to feel like a utensil. We used to have wonderful, exciting sex. Now its an accomodation. Maybe Dr can prescribe something that will definitely eliminate the ability??
The Doctor indicated that the portions of the brain that are affected early and significantly, are the portions that affect self control and inhibitions.
We surely do have alot of the same stories to tell. The books can't explain it nearly as well as each of us.
As the years have gone on, I've often wondered if some of the difficult things in our marriage were a consequence of AD and our not knowing he had it, or if it was some of the common problems that too often come w/marriage. My husband, too, was unable to accept a simple hug or kiss w/out turning it into a full sexual encounter. He missed out on a lot of genuine affection that way. Too bad, I loved him so and wanted to show it, but he thought there was only one way to express love, so I kept my distance. You know, I feel bad about it, how it hurt him, but time came when I didn't care if he was hurt because I had this strong sense that he wasn't really there, especially in intimate moments. So go explain that to someone.
Here's something you are going to love: We went to a new doctor in 1996. I'd recently read that female hormones might help protect older women from getting AD. At the same time I had noticed that some of the masculine qualities men have seemed to have gone in my husband--that male swagger, how they present themselves. So maybe a loss of testerone was a factor. I told the doc & he seemed to dismiss my comments so I was surprised when he gave me a prescription for DH. When I went to fill the prescription, the pharmacist asked me if I knew it was an aphrodiasiac (wink, wink). No, I thought it was for testerone. You know, our lives w/AD are not complex enough, now some doc is giving my husband an aphrodiasiac, just what the world needs, another dirty old man. He should know--as many of us have learned, that acting out inappropriate sexual behaviors often comes w/AD.
Eight years later, in a 2004 study, it was found that low testerone levels appear to contribute to neurodegereration in men w/AD an PD. It is astonishing how many medical professionals know so little about AD and what goes on in our homes--and then, they don't listen. After all, what could a caregiver know, we only live w/it 24/7.
hmmm, this is very interesting to me Betty, my husband had prostate cancer and one of the treatments is a hormone shot that kills the testosterone so that the cancer tumor does not grow, he took these shots for a full year prior to surgery and it was during this time that he started having short term memory loss........oh the things we do not know and the things we learn often too late to help our loved ones. kathy
Okay I can't believe, My husband also had prostate cancer in 1998 and took some type of oral hormone med for several months prior to his brachy therapy where they injected radiation into the prostate rather than removing it. But it still goes back to heavily heredity (5 out of 9 his siblings has or had AD and both parents) So in his case hormones might have speeded AD up only. One step forward and two back. PAT
Hello, this is my first posting to this great site. I figured I would chime in on the topic from a males perspective. My wife was diagosed with AD in 2003 and it hasn't made an impact on our sex life yet. To start, I'm shocked that people are complaining about having to have sex once a week with their spouse. Men get excited very easy, a simple hug or cuddle that is out of the ordinary flips a switch that puts us in sex mode. If you have been married for a long time, you should know that a cuddling and other signs of affection could lead to sex, so if you don't want to offend your spouse don't do it.
If my wife came over to me on the couch and starting hugging me and rubbing my back or giving me kisses, I would think she wanted sex. If I started to show interest and try to touch her sexually, and she said "Why do you always think I want sex when I show affection." I would be pretty mad/frusterated.
If your spouse interprets affectionate touching as a signal for sex, don't do it!!! If he asks why you are never affectionate, tell him because when you are affectionate you assume I want sex.
Sorry for the long post, I started to think about more and more as I went along.
Welcome to my website. More and more men are joining our boards. Great to have male perspectives. Just trying to keep things organized and easy to find, so I am taking your post and moving it to the topic - "sexuality".
READERS - If you wish to post an answer to Rob, please put it under the "sexuality" topic.