I went to visit DH at the nursing home the other day. The paralegal from the lawyer's office met me there. I need a special power of attorney doc in order to apply for a mortgage including DH's soc sec. income. The paralegal came to assess whether DH could sign a document, whether he would know what he was signing. She left pretty much determined that he couldn't. She asked the attorney if she could notorize the doc after I got him to put an 'X' on it, but she wasn't "comfortable" with it. I may have to go to a hearing to be declared DH's conservator, which takes time and money. I'm going to try to get the real estate atty. to notorize the doc.
Anyways, for the first time, I felt like DH didn't know who I was. When I asked, he said, very weakly, "never heard of her". I thought he was joking, but there was something about his demeanor that told me maybe he wasn't. Also, for the first time, he wasn't able to respond when I said "I love you." That was the hardest thing.
Since the visit, I feel especially empty, lost. I feel for the first time like he's really gone. I don't know how to cope with this. the regrets. Why didn't I show him more affection, like he wanted. Why didn't I make more of the time we had after the diagnosis? I know this is pointless, but I can't help it.
He has his MRI this Fri, he'll be sedated so he can be still. I won't go. I don't think he'd know if I was there or not. And I need all the time I can get off from work, for moving, for the kids, etc. The MRI is supposed to show if he might have Creutzfeldt Jakob Disease (a variant of Mad Cow). I don't think he does, but we need to rule it out.
I just feel so alone, even with 3 kids in the house. I took so much for granted. I try to imagine the rest of my life without him, and I can't. I didn't know how much I need him, in so many ways.
Of course you feel lost, your world has been turned upside down. But I will say, have no regrets, it will eat you alive. You did the best you could at the time for whatever reason. Now is not the time to punish yourself & bring yourself down. You need to stay positive for your children. They are still there, and they need to be your main focus. ((((Hugs.))))
Oh Kelly, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry and sad for you to have to go through this. Go ahead and vent - rant - whatever it takes. We are here for you. Thoughts and prayers are with you all.
I feel so sorry for you, Kelly. I cannot imagine what it is like for you with 3 young children at home. What a great gal you must be. Don't fear to vent. We know that you need some support and comfort. I extend my hand..M
Kelly, I was wondering how things were going, Sorry to hear things seem to be getting harder on you. Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up, that won't change anything. Your doing everything you can, and you know deep down that your DH (the one before all of this) knows who you are and still loves you. Thoughts and prayers sent your way. Rk
I'm really sad that you have to go through all of this. I was told to just keep chipping away at those papers until they are all done. I did that--they are almost done--and I'm pretty pleased about that. I know you will be too.
I do not have 3 little kids at home. There is just the two of us now. I don't know how you have the strength to do all you are doing. Blessings!
Kelly, I am so sorry you & your children are going dealing with all this at such a young age. Don't second guess yourself, please come here to vent at anytime. Huge Hugs, Kadee
Kelly, you are doing exactly as your DH would want you to do- for your kids. you need to muster your strength for them and dont second guess the decisonmaking. let us k now how you are, and remember letting the toxins out is vital-Divvi
oh and also remember Kelly, EVEN if you were to make a wrong mistake this time, you will learn how to realize when you;ve made a right one next time.
Kelly; I believe in general that most of us do the very best we can at any given time.
You have made wise decisions at every step. Please do not rethink decisions . Know that at every point you have looked at what is best for the entire family and you will continue to do that ....
I wish you strength and a growing sense of peace knowing that you have done your best....
So many of us here feel a special closeness with those of you who have young children. We wish there was more we could do and we marvel at the strength you display.
You, your children and your dear husband are in my thoughts
Remember that no matter how great a job a person does, when we look back there will always be things we think should have been differently. That is common with raising children, marriage, work and carrying for our ill spouses. But, you can't dwell on it cause it can consume you in a negative way.
Know you did the best you could at the time with what you had - that is all you can ask of yourself.
Kelly: my prayers are with you, it is a difficult time you are having, you have to think positive, you are doing the best you know how, taking care of DH, and caring for 3 children, that's a lot on your plate. You will make it...you have friends here on the web, so vent anytime you need to..