The time has come that I know I need to start getting serious about moving my DH to a care facility. I can barely stand the thought and I find myself crying, crying, crying. I just feel like I am giving up and not being strong enough to see this thing through to the end. I second guess myself constantly as to whether the AD is not as bad as I think or maybe it's worse than I think. Our doctor who has also been our dear friend for many years says it is surely time but that I have to make that decision. I can't bear the thought that then our life together is truly over and also that he may feel lonely and abandant once placed. My heart and mind tells me that this final stage he is in has robbed him of knowing anything let alone where he is living......but I'm not 100% sure. He no longer can do anything at all for himself......nothing. He isn't bed ridden but he basically just sits all day long. He eats with his fingers and doesn't have the appitite he once had, although sometimes he will eat better than at other times.....it's just that it is getting less that he does. He has had AD for over 12 years. I guess I just want someone to make the decision for me.......like God maybe. I wish with all my heart that something would take him so that this decision didn't have to be made. I feel so terribly sad and empty and most of all lonely for the life we had. For those out there who have had to make this decision, please help me. I can barely see to write this since the tears just won't stop. I just don't know if my heart will let me do this.
Dear Anitalynn: I had to make that decision. My heart did break. Maybe my DH was not as bad as yours, he could still do some things and understood what had to be done--yes, he understood, and I know his heart was broken, too. Our adult children had been after me for some time, 'Please, Mom,' they'd say, 'we don't want to lose you to the same disease.' But I kept putting it off and I know now that I should have done it sooner. But how do you do that, how do you cut off half of your life. I cannot advise you what to do, but I will tell you that if you select a decent facility and keep the staff aware of you and your DH, it will most likely work out to be better than you thought. And I discovered that while he was among many people and well cared for, I was the one left alone and out in the cold. Yes, I had people around me, but I was so completely alone. I know to your very heartbeat exactly what you are going thru now. Betty
I think we all live with the fear of being in your situation. This is a question that all of us will have to answer some day and yet we think we know the answer, till the day comes.
Anitalynn, i think its always worse on the caregiver than the one to be placed. i am sure if your DH is not aware of the situation at home, he will continue that unawareness at the facility. he will be provided round the clock care with professionals who know how to best care for him in the stage he is in. there is a strong possibility he will settle in from day one and you will find some relief knowing he is at peace with your decision. the hard part if i think of all the prior members who post on this topic is coming to grips themselves with the placement. the alone time at home and starting a new life of your own while reinforcing DH care at the facility. its never easy and i choose not to have to think that day may come for us as well. 'out of sight out of mind' my whole world revolves around my DH even with AD=without him i dont know who i'd be anymore. remember you are not alone and those of us left caregiving are right along with you going thru the same thoughts. trust your judgement, Divvi
Anitalynn, my heart breaks for you. This is a decision we do not want to make. We prepare for it, all of us. But when it is time we second guess. Only you can know the right time and you will find the strength to do what is right. May peace be in your heart.
Anitalynn--I'm hurting for you. Ive been so 'on top' of everything for the last year--Elder Attorney, fixing the house up, roof, furnace, etc., finances, getting daughter on as y POA--you name it. Everything is ready. Unfortunately, I'm not. And, I probably never will be.
I'm so sorry. I know you have studied and had good counsel. How hard this must be. I can't imagine. It just hurts to think about it.
anitalynn, I can feel your pain just reading your post. You've been dealing with this for 12 years and I know you must be so tired and worn out physically and emotionally. The time is probably right for placement. We're here for you.