Tonight I asked my husband not to please keep banging his glass on the table. We normally eat in the dining room, but lately, he has gotten back into his bachelor ways, eating in the family room in front of the TV.
Wow! He exploded. He went off on me, screaming. "You nit pick me to death." You are a freeloader. You've never loved me. etc. etc.
I was so upset, I called my son. I asked him to please call my husband & tell him never to yell at me again. My (other, before brain damage) husband would never have spoken to me this way. My son VERY reluctantly agreed. He called my husband & said, I heard you were having some problems down there, & my husband agreed that he had "gone off" but I was nit picking.
Well, after they hung up, my husband came after me, screaming worse than before. But I stood up to him & told him my son was watching out for me and he better look out. He finally cowered into the bedroom.
Is this my life? It can't be. How can I be living THIS life? My husband is being hateful, I am putting my son in a terrible position, & of course he doesn't understand the extent of it. I was wrong to call my son, and I feel guilty.....I just wanted some help, but I can't put my son in the middle & cause him concern. I am sick over this.
Aww, Kitty, I feel your pain. I've done the same thing with my daughter because I was desperate, but she wouldn't help, so then I blew up at her. I felt terrible!!! Then a wise friend told me that sometimes these things need to happen, that things will get better. It took awhile before that happened, and I sure wouldn't have chosen that route, given my druthers, but she is right. Hang in, Kitty. This too will pass.
When all hell was breaking loose for me I kept my kids out of it. Didn't need my husband turning on them, too. I did keep them apprised of what was going on. Many a long walk at night alone with my cell phone.
One of the reasons Kitty's situation is different from bluedaze's or mine for that matter is that Kitty's son isn't her husband's son. One of the reasons I've told people here to call the police in some situations is that I think it is important in this stage of the game that someone outside of the house knows that there is something ugly going on, and that the dementia patient knows that someone out there is aware of their behavior.
In my husband's case the nice policeman scared the living daylights out of my husband and we didn't have another episode. The fact that I got two calls, one from him and one from the Assistant District Attorney (who wonders of wonders "got it") reinforced the fact that I was not alone.
So in Kitty's case, I think that her calling her son for backup is probably the right thing to have done. It wasn't a strong enough episode for the police, but her husband knows that someone out there has been put on notice that he is acting badly.
Mary is right, this too will pass. But if it gets worse before it passes, having options are a good thing. There comes a point where you call 911 and get that help. And sometimes that help means a trip to the hospital, and sometimes it doesn't.
Kitty, I know that was hard but you felt threatened and sometimes our 'sons' are our refuge. i know i have a 36yr old too and we go thru similiar stuff. difference is i TELL my son i made ALOT of sacrifices for his career and lifestyle and he owes me when the time comes..haha..we laugh but he k nows i expect him to lookout fo rme when i cant in my yrs to come! i have no qualms about demanding either! i dont want my 'S DIL" in charge either. -that could be iffy, haha) well back to you kitty, your husband has no diagnosis so its much harder to have him evaluated if things progress at some point. which they may do =regardless of what type dementia he has it will escalate and his demise will mimic our spouses in the end the same. he may go thru the rage/rant syndrome that becomes necessary for youto take more steps in protecting yourself. like starling, i think if you feel threatened you should leave immediately and let him simmer alone. just being there sometimes the presence can set them off. they get so antagonized by the person close to them. i hope you can come to terms with what you can do as far as pllanning ahead. i know you have a renter that at some point your house will be vacant. you should consider moving in there yourself. i may be wrong but seems this relationship is for convenience sake and the love is deficient at this point. i cant seeing staying and becoming a caregiver for him EVER in that situtation under any circumstances. if you are like me and my son closely knit, you maybe should have a heartto heart and tell him like it is so he can be there when you need him and understand all the issues at hand? my best, hugs to you!!! divvi
Just to add to Starling's comments, my daughter is from my first marriage, and yes, people do need to be made aware of what's going on. My daughter did not want to be involved, and that's why I blew up at her. I told her that amily and true friends are there not only for the good times, but the bad. To point this out to her, and in such an angry fashion, was the last thing in the world that I would have chosen to do. But she needed to hear it, and it may make a difference to her. I think I see a change in her attitude, but, frankly, I wouldn't call on her again for help. I do have a son and his girlfriend whom I could call on, and friends who are both wise and supportive. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to manage this hellish trip on our own, we need their help.
Oh, thank you all for your kind words. I can't believe you remember so much about my situation!
I do think it helped that my son called & spoke to my husband. I usually am able to just get up and leave the room. But this time he screamed...yeah, just leave the room! & followed me around screaming. I have only had 2 days on my new job, (going very well) & I don't need this. I guess I should have left the house, but it was dark outside. & I was "mad as Hell" that someone, anyone, would speak to me in those terms, that tone. I've avoided conflict for so long by avoidance, but this time, I just felt like NO YOU WON'T. I DON'T CARE IF YOUR BRAIN IS DAMAGED, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
That said, I will refrain from calling my son in the future. I know it caused him pain. Why should 2 of us be hurt by this?
If I can succeed at this job, and all looks stable, then yes, I will consider moving into my rental property. But that is also a scary thought, because in this economy you can't count on anything. And I would rather suffer through this than make my son feel like he is responsible for me. (Which he worries about, but has offered.) I just can't do that to him.
My husband (for some unknown reason) last night said, why don't you just call 911? You know what? I was close to it. This is crazy.
No, I don't plan to be his caretaker. We don't have a 30 year history with all the great memories I read about. I just don't have the guts yet to cut loose. I will have to feel like I can support myself. (Not that he has been supporting me, but we live in a paid for house.) I have worked 50+ hour weeks to pay down my mortgage on my rental property. That was to be my contribution to our retirement. Meanwhile, he has never worked, but instead sat on his ass playing the stock market. He is working now, but it is a job that will "dry up" and he talks about looking for something part time. Huh? I think I married a lazy guy, unbeknownst to me, he had all this money & said "he wouldn't work another day in his life." That should have been a red flag, he was only 45 at the time. But in my mind, I thought, well, if he can afford it, what can I say?
Sorry to ramble & repeat myself. I can only say, the day I found this site was my blessing. I feel so close to you all and am so filled with gratitude and love that you are there.
Kitty, for your own safety you need to remember to refrain from antagonizing him when he rants on you. if you arent there he will settle down. things can go from dicey to quite dangerous in minutes. you just cant let your guard down and expect him to follow the rules of engagement. his behaviour is radical and uncertain so just play it safe and try to ignore like you have been doing. even doing that you see it escalated to almost calling 911. thats not a good sign. have a bag packed with a couple days clothing just n case in your car for 'future use' if needed. if you only have one son then he would probably feel much better with you letting him in on what sgoing on in your life -how unhappy you are and wanting to make a change but scared with the ways things are now. you need allies now, we all do.. there are enough enemies out there as is..keep that job and things will be better soon! divvi..(hugs to you and katrina..:)
Kitty, My DH is in the moderate severe stage of AD, and I have learned that you cannot 'reason' with him when he is having a spell. He broke his hip last year and as he was recovering, he would slip into the severe throws of Sundowning and would fight both his private nurse and me. The worst thing we did was try to restrain him or hold him down as he flailed around in his bed! He severely bruised my jaw and bit my arms. The adrenalin in their body gives thim gargantuan strength. Prepare yourself. Alzheimer's Disease progresses down its path as if it were a connect-the-dots puzzle. I am his sole caregiver and I will go to all lengths to refrain from doing anything that will antagonize him. Learn to bite your lip and walk away as much as you can. These spells of temperment pass quickly. Above all, know that you cannot reason with this disease...and know that it's not him who is ranting at you, it's the disease! Prepare yourself, have a lifeline to call and keep yourself out of harms way anytime you can. There is no way you can reason with the demon shadows in his brain. When your DH is diagnosed, the doctors can give you some medications that will take the initial edge off of their outbursts. It was a Godsend for ME! God bless you.
We all need to acknowledge that AD takes away their sensitivities to others. They regress to child and eventually an infant's mentality. Just as a child doesn't understand what makes Mommy cry, I doubt he would understand and regret he made Kitty cry. The hardest thing for me to learn was that although he still looked like himself (to a degree), he was no longer the man I married. I've heard that statement from my priest, his doctor, MY doctor and professionals in the field. So.....what do we do? In my case, I just keep on 'Keeping On', as they say. For as long as I can...until he becomes a danger to himself or me, and I find it impossible to care for him. And, then, you'll hear from me again!
I doubt if crying would make a difference. My DH has always shown a lot of concern for me but one of the time he didn't know who I was, I couldn't stop from crying. He didn't even seem to realize that I was crying (and I was crying pretty hard. Also, I definitely have to remember what you all are saying about keeping quiet. DH has lost his temper with me a couple of time lately, which he never did before. I MUST learn to keep my big mouth shut and not make it worse.
I don't know if this will do any good. My DH is in stage 5 (I think) and he is declining. When he gets aggitated, I sometimes offer (give) him a cup of tea. At this point in time it sort of brings him back and he realizes I have done something nice for him and he pretty much settles down. After a sip or two, he seems to forget all about it.
Now, that doesn't happen ALL the time. But it happens enough that I still give it a try. I hope it works for anyone else.
When you've seen one person with AD, you've seen one person with AD ... My husband is still very sensitive to my feelings. He gets distressed if he thinks I'm being unusually quiet. He was a basket case when I was crying over the death of our geri cat.
Granted, Kitty's husband isn't exactly being sensitive and compassionate ... but then, he also doesn't have AD.
She keeps finding out the hard way that getting angry and fighting back don't work -- quite the reverse. Sometimes, behaving in an unexpected way can have some "shock" value. It has nothing to do with empathy, it has, I think, more to do with changing the pattern of the interaction in an unexpected way.
Anger escalates, so I thought perhaps tears might defuse. In any event, they might make Kitty feel better. And if she's focused on being a good actress, it might help her keep her own anger in check.
Mawzy's suggestion may work precisely because it changes the pattern. Rather than getting a fighting response, there's a very civilized offer of tea. Very clever. The poor man is probably so confused, he doesn't know what hit him. <grin> I will definitely keep that one in mind, if my husband ever starts developing the anger and agitation.
I'm sorry,..I didn't realize Kitty's husband doesn't have AD. May I ask what his diagnosis is? I'm new to this sisterhood/brotherhood of caregivers. It DOES help so much to have a place to go to vent and express our feelings without fear of being thought of as whiny and a complainer. If only our heartfelt words could fix your hurt feelings...we do care.
It doesn't always get better. Lynn has been in the aggresive stage for over 3 years! Even on medications. They keep upping his dosage... sigh. I couldn't leave him alone in the house, he can't be left alone for 3 minutes. Eventually I learned to lock myself in the bathroom... I put a phone line in there... and I called Lynn's sons. They are big boys! They can calm him down much better than I. And often just talking to them on the phone was all it took to calm him down. Best of luck, this to me, is the worse part of Lynn's AD. :(
I am in a similar situation with Sunshyne--my tears calm my husband down. Yesterday something happened and I just looked like I would cry (we were in a public place) and that snapped him back to reality. Kitty--you could try it--I doubt it would make matters worse. Perhaps it is a distraction and puts us in a more submissive, female position that appeals to them.
Nancy, Kitty's husband hasn't been officially diagnosed yet. However, several years ago, he had to undergo whole-brain radiation (on top of chemo) which he needed when he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. That can often do enough damage to the brain that dementia develops. From what Kitty has mentioned, his symptoms seem closer to FTD than AD.
Sunshyne, I looked this up and it's not on the list of abbreviations...what is FTD?? Thank heavens for the ones that ARE on the list of abbreviations. It helps until I get into a full stride. (I'm guessing it stands for ____Front?___ ??______Dementia. One word out of 3 isn't bad., right?