I've come to a realization as to why it is so hard to be a caregiver. It is because it is counter to the way the world works. It is alien, unspeakable and unknown.
The bottom line reason, is nobody cares that YOU are a caregiver!
I have had it with they way people are and our culture. (if you could even call it cultured.) Does anyone listen in Church or when they read the Bible for Christ's sake? What do they think the story of the Good Samaritan means?
And that is also why I believe in Gun Control... because if I had one....
If the person we are caring for were their normal selves they would care that we were. (Of course if they were their normal selves we wouldn't be caregivers!)
You are right that the world is so busy that people don't stop to see/notice a caregivers needs. If we don't have one, we should probably start a list of all the ignorant and unknown cruel things people have said to us along our journey. We can begin it with "you are so strong" to "you seem to be handling it so well".
I was going to the drug store to pick up my wife's Namenda script (she was with me) and the parking lot at the drug store was full and so I used the parking lot at the bank(my bank) that I've done 1 million time before. Some guy declares to me in a most unfriendly way that I can't park there. He's the big honcho watching the bank's parking lot. I say well yes this is my bank, but I need to just run in and get my wife her AD medication. He says in his slightly more then monosyllabic glory, "I Don't Care!".
Well I can't even begin to tell you the unspeakable things I said to him. That's when I busted a vain or two. I wanted to kill the SOB and he knew it! I probably should have, one less person like that in the world would make it a better place! I may well have found my life's calling!!! guy
Dear Guy, while I'm sure the unspeakable things you said were very therapeutic for you ... I would also be inclined to have a pleasant little conversation with the manager of the bank the next time you're in the vicinity. (Preferably after you've had a chance to regain your equilibrium, so you can be your usual charming and persuasive self.) Safeguarding the parking lot for bank customers is fine, but not at the expense of driving away good customers with intolerably rude behavior. I bet the branch manager would like to know about the big honcho's behavior. And I bet the big honcho would not like the branch manager to know.
I thought about doing the civil thing. I really did. I thought about going into the bank(my bank) and tell them what happened. I may, but I don't know how much good it will actually do. I don't want the guy to be fired, I want him to care!
What I am quite likely going to do, is write a letter to the local paper, and call our borough president, who knows me. I think that might just do something.
I still think I should start carrying a piece. I really like the one Clint used in those Dirty Harry movies. It would most certainly make my day!
Guitar Guy, the same thing happened to me once. I was in charge of the Santa Claus promotion at our local mall and parked close to unload some stuff. A big guy from the department store yelled at me as I was getting my things out of the car and told me I couldn't park there. I told him I was just unloading and would move. He said "I don't care what you're doing, you can't park here." I was a real wimp. With tears in my eyes, I moved my car and carried the things from quite a distance (two trips) and yes, I was a good customer at that department store.
I don't know which is worse...being a wimp or losing your temper. Did you move your vehicle or stand your ground?
A chat with the branch manager might result in some education for the guy, which would be good for him, and good for the bank, and good for you because (a) you would have done something that's a win-win-win and (b) you wouldn't have to worry about what might happen if you park there again.
If, on the other hand, the chat doesn't work out quite as hoped, THEN you could think about making like Dirty Harry.
What pisses me off most is people who park in handicapped spots. Both Claude (before AD) and I are handicapped, and sometimes we can't find a spot close to a store because some a**hole pulled in to a handicapped spot either for just a minute or they are too lazy to walk a few extra steps.
I have handicapped plates on my car and my daughter has a plackard she puts up when I am with her. She has taken to checking cars that are parked in the spots for either a plate or plackard. If they don't have either one, she then calls 911. If a patrol car is nearby and not busy, they usually will come and ticket the vehicle.
if that happened to me GGuy, i would have said ''go ahead and tow it then" by the time they came youd be gone and giving him the mid finger in friendship..:)and i'd make sure i greeted him everytime after when i went into the bank-
oh well so much for diplomacy. metoo normally i am very laid back and happy go lucky-it takes quite a bit to get me riled- but i have become known to light into a person and usually they never know what hit em..verbally of course in at least 2 languages to make sure it sinks in.:) diva of doodoo.
Redbud Mary, I'm guilty today of having put up the handicapped card and run into walmart. I was leaving my husband alone, I wanted to get several packages of their assurance pants and a case of catfood. I felt guilty but I really needed to move fast, which I did. We have a discussion back in the archives about can we use a card when our spouse isn't in the car and it was agreed we probably could justify it, but it makes me uncomfortable nonetheless.
I have a handicapped hanger while my splint is still on. If I see a vacant spot near a handicapped spot I will use that leaving the handicapped spot for some one who needs it more. Too often a very able bodied person will grab it. Believe me-I do know that the disability doesn't have to be obvious-but this able bodied cigarette smoking yahoo doesn't fit the picture.
Guy, you said it all when you said "I just wanted him to care". Being a caregiver or not, people treat each other like crap, and it does make me crazy. I always try and be kind when I'm out in the world, but trust me, I have snapped from time to time. Oh, by the way, I care :)
GuitarGuy, you're a very caring person, even if you did lose your temper. I do wish you had been with me when I had the parking problem. I really needed someone to take up for me that day. We're a close knit bunch here, aren't we? We don't want anybody picking on one of our family here.
The firm I worked for had two handicapped spaces right in front of the front door. Both places were filled. It was pouring down rain--raining in biblical proportions. My boss told me to make an announcement over the PA system and ask those parking in the handicapped spaces to PLEASE move their cars.
I was looking out the window at those spaces. We had a young man working for us who was a paraplegic.He used two crutches to walk with. With my very own eyes I saw him go outside--in the pouring rain--get into his car and move it. then he walked with great difficulty back to the office in the pouring rain.
I pointed this out to my boss. He told me to go tell Freddy (that was the name of the young man) he didn't mean him. That he should move his car back to that space. My response? Nothing doing. You tell him he's handicapped and can park in that space.
FYI, no one moved the other car. I still don't know who owned that one but I can assure you that person was not handicapped.
I hate it when people park in those spaces when they don't have a placardsor the handicapped license plate.
That's my vent for the moment. I may be back later. :)
Had to share. We can all apply this to certain citizens. I'm sure you'll agree.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
Intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
Produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the Twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high School dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later Married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted To keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a Rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six Children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout Childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children Were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently Returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
3rd try. I'm gonna try and stir up some "Caring for the Caregiver" around here. The Religion section of our paper has been running a series of articles on the services being provided by various churches and organizations to various groups. When the Editor was only a reporter a few years ago he did an article on Depression as a part of National Mental Health Awareness Week. I was interviewed to "put a face" on the illness and what can be done.
I'm putting this "face" back in his, SUGGESTING there be an article about the NEED for help for the Caregiver. These organizations are perfect vehicles for such services. They need to be prodded to get off their duffs. If they are doing anything for Caregivers, they need to get the word out, because we aren't receiving the help.
I learned long ago that complaints go down way better when accompanied with solutions so I'm throwing out some of those too. I have also pointed out that help for the Caregiver requires no training and costs little or nothing. Groups can organize efforts, but individuals and families can help Caregivers too. I'm not keying this to only Caregivers to Dementia victims. Anyone who takes on these 24/7/365 jobs with no pay, no benefits, no coffee breaks, no lunch hours, no weekends, no holidays, no vacations, deserves every stitch of help they can get.
I'll save my missive so if anyone would like to see it--maybe try it in their area, I'll still have it. We have to advocate for ourselves because nobody else is. Just another thing on our Do Lists, I guess.
I'd like to read your article, Carosi. But, I'm not sure I really need any help because I'm so strong. Almost everyone I know tells me how strong I am and I think I'm beginning to believe it. Even though I'm getting pooped out, I must really look great to others. Go figure!
carosi, you are the best! Just in time, too! This morning has been a bear for DH....so it is for me. I came here to vent and what I found was such fun. I love the Schitt family tree. Please let us read your article, sounds like I might want to try it in my area. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Mawzy, I think you are right. Folks tell me that I am handling this very well, even our neuro. They don't know the work it takes, not just physical. Mentally, I am so raw that I cry the drop of a hat. I thought I was getting over it and becoming numb (this was a good thing). But this morning...Ahhhhh (not such a good thing).
Ditto on the above. What do people expect--that we will throw up our hands and lock ourselves in the bathroom with a bottle of booze, leaving our LO's to fend for themselves? I guess they think telling us we are strong is a compliment, and it may be, but I think it's sort of dismissive. That way no one needs to try to help us.
Amen, to that. I think people just don't know how to help, or they don't want to think about loosing their minds, so they dismiss the subject out of hand and walk away.
Carosi, your interest in genealogy has definitely gotten my day off to a laughing start. Thanks.
Good for you for advocating for us caregivers. Sometimes I think people would like to help, but they fear not knowing what to do if they offer to, for example, "babysit" for an hour or two, and DH acts up.
marsh-- I forwarded a copy opf my e-mail to the newspaper guy. Should be in your inbox.
I need to figure out how to transfer it--e-mail and attachment--to a Thread here. Not very computer literate. Also, when I post, there is no spell check on my screen--just the Add your comments box. The Schitt family Tree is only the 3rd thing I've copy and pasted from another site. I'll try soon.
Carosi, I agree with your comments on care for the caregiver. There was an article in the local paper about an enabling tool for caregivers, and I tracked down the originator and met with him, along with a couple of nurse friends. We found that it would work well for a team of family and friends who could co-ordinate tasks to best meet the needs of the one needing care; ideally that would be 10. That wouldn't help me. But what I did find interesting were their sheets entitled "DH's needs" and "Caregiver's needs." In the example shown, they had a personal profile that showed DH needed medical appointments, medications, physio and social activities. In the caretaker's profile the wife wanted reading time, exercise time, social time, good nutrition. It struck me, seeing it in print, that all of my DH's needs are being met beautifully, but not mine. It gave me a different perspective, making it legitimate for me to pencil in my needs for the day and then make sure I get them. It gives me a lift to know that I've done that for myself, and the whole day is put in better perspective.
The above is the website for the tool I spoke of. I found it hard to access, so I contacted Robert Bowden, and we met. Maybe you will have better luck that I did. It's free for a month, but I don't seem to have the necessary tools on my computer.
That's why I've sent my ideas for an article to the paper. I have experienced and have had contact with a lot of caregivers who are "doing it all" because they still can and because they aren't reallty finding help. Any help that takes a job off the caregiver's plate is a benefit to be accepted. Someone taking care of a job like Spring yard cleanup is one less job to worry over. A neighbor who will come visit with your LO so you can get a haircut; go to church; take a bubble bath--whatever floats your boat. We do not have to do it all ourselves. We shouldn't have to. Receiving assistance AND ACCEPTING IT could be the key thing that will get us through this. I am sure there will come a time when we will be able to be on the giving end. But we have to survive first. If we don't take care of our own needs, we'll sink for sure.
The alzheimercarecenter.com is free for the first month - how much is it after that?
This is something we've talked about before, where a caregiver posts needs that need to be met and other people log in and choose a need to meet. It's very high tech, obviously designed by someone who is enamored of the latest and greatest of web creation and video creation tools. I finally got the videos working using chrome on a pc, but on a mac it's impossible, and on older machines it would be pretty impossible too, I think. The sound, in any event, is deficient. But all that it does is give a "tour" of the website, and you can do that for yourself if you go along the top menu bar, although a lot of the links aren't working right as best I can see. I would guess it cost Dr. Bowden a pretty penny to have put together but in reality a great deal of it probably won't work for most of you.. I get infuriated when I see sites that are intended to be "accessible" and that are anything BUT!
Starling, try the videos and also try the drop-down menus at the top and see if you can make all of them work, esp. the care tools. I'm curious.
HOWEVER: the notion of having people help out caregivers is a good one.
To circle back to the start of this Thread, I hope you've calmed down by now and will consider this. If you contact the Bank manager, as a concerned bank customer, and suggest the employee be given some further training in public relations, there is a good chance you can make a difference on several levels. You like your bank, but not what happened to you. Other customers potentially face the same obnoxious treatment--not good for your bank. It's good business not to antagonize bank customers over 10 minutes in a parking spot, especially given special circumstances. You can't control what the bank manager does with the information, but you will have done all you could to turn this horrible experience around. And if the manager's response doesn't suit you, you'll know if you want to continue your business with them. I don't think banks (or other businesses) want to be antagonizing their customers at this time. If anything they should be extending themselves to be of service.
Briegull, if I remember correctly, the cost is $25.00 per month, and he has 40 people signed up. He has his PhD in engineering from Oxford. His father had Alzheimer's, and his mother was the caretaker; there is another son. He says he has put all his inherited money into this (both parents now dead) and has devoted all his time, i.e. hasn't working in the engineering field for the past 2 years Thanks for checking out the site. So that's why I can't access the site properly: I have a Mini-Mac. Since I'm without 9 other team members - in fact have opposition from my husband's first family and am still fighting the legal battles , this time over the sale of property to meet bills - this care plan wouldn't work for me.
Yes, sometimes it's hard to fight the banks. I fought one recently by taking it to the Senior Vice President of the West Side of the city, who was so helpful that I did stay with the bank and practically have primroses strewn on my path now whenever I do business there. My husband had an account in another bank, which I finally closed - as you did, FayeBay and for similar reasons. The bank manager was called, came out to ask me why, and I told her. Made an impression, I think.
See, "fighting" only does any good if the bank knows they've lost money. Once FayeBay had her money safely clutched in her hot little hand, she should have written to the regional bank manager and explained, clearly and courteously, that the bank had lost her business and why.
Revenge is a dish that tastes wonderful cold.
But if you can, avoid the fighting in the first place. Like Mary75 says, at the first sign of trouble, go WAY up the line of command, and be very very courteous and explain your concerns about the impact that the employee may be having on the bank's business. Fighting with flunkies is a waste of time and energy. Thoughtfully helping senior management usually gets much better results.
Actually, I found that sweetly asking for the name and address of the regional manager can be enough to make the flunky turn green, and become much more cooperative.
The other thing I've found to be helpful is if I am lavish with praise (again, to people higher up in the chain) when a flunky goes out of his way to help me. (And I copy the flunky on my letter, too). When you have a couple of those in your file, they pay a lot more attention when you, regretfully, have to complain about a flunky who doesn't quite live up to your expectations...
Years ago when we lived in California, Bank of America sent out one nasty letter too many. They decided that their minor account holders no longer could come into the bank for service but had to do everything at the ATM. So I moved my accounts to Wells Fargo. When I got the check for the savings account I was asked why I was doing it, and I explained about the letter. I was told that it didn't apply to us.
I had read the letter and it sounded like it applied to us. My husband had read the letter and, pre-dementia, it sounded like it applied to us. I decided I didn't care if it applied to us or not. Why would I want to do business with a bank that treated its poorer clients like that. Mostly I did use the ATM, but every once in a while I needed to go into the bank and deal with a real human being.
Several years ago I bought a new box of checks. Before the first book of checks was used up, the bank changed hands. I had paid $7.50 for those checks. So, naive me, went to the bank, now under new management, and asked for new checks in their name and to just take the $7.50 to pay for them.
Not only would they not give me the $7.50 back for the original checks, they wanted to charge me $10.00 for new ones. I was doing a slow burn. Left the bank. Went back to my office and called their head office and asked to speak to the president of the bank. I got a vice president. Well he schmoozed me. apologized, etc. and explained how their accounting system prohibited the refund and, sadly, with the economy, they had to charge $10 for a new box of checks.
I thanked him kindly. Took my savings out and closed my checking account. Naturally, I got a call wondering "What happened." I explained it all AGAIN. They were going to make it right. But, it was too little too late. I told him I thought those tactics were pretty tacky and chose not to deal with him or his bank again.
That felt good. My new bank doesn't charge for checks and I don't have to pay to write one either.
"Sadly" indeed. Almost anyone at any level could have fixed that tiny little request for you. I have a friend who's a regional manager at a large bank ... fascinating world. Anyway, the good ones know what it takes to win and keep business, and that kind of behavior ain't it.
By the bye, as far as I can tell, almost anyone in a bank who is higher than a teller is called a "vice president." That makes them all sound important enough for you to be impressed.
Actually those of us who were higher than a teller were called Assistant VPs. I was one. <grin>
One of the reasons they do it is that there are all of these papers that have to be signed by multiple bank officers. So one of us would put the paperwork together, but that person could not sign the paperwork. That had to be done by two other people. If you were a manager of any kind. If you had staff. You were an AVP.
The funny thing is that the company I worked for wasn't actually a bank. We serviced mortgages. Did the accounting. Sent out the coupon books and tracked payments. Did the collection calls. But we were owned by a bank in another state, so we were bankers and had to follow banker rules.