I find it difficult to see my wife struggling with simple tasks, like making the bed, and I will say, “let me help you with that babe”, or” let’s do this together.” If, however, I’m not in the bedroom when she makes the bed, she may have a hard time, but usually it is done right in the end. Even though it’s hard, I think I need to let her try more often and not offer to help so quickly. Anyone else have this problem? DickS
My LO does not try to do much and I really feel guilty asking him to do anything. But I know they need to keep busy with whatever can to make them think. An AD woman told me even if they don't succeed and even get a little frustrated; just them trying will help them stimulate their mind. It is so very hard not to step in and help or do it ourselves but we need to sometimes not smother them with love. I don't know if this is possible because we love them so much that we just want to say I'll do it ,so we don't have to watch them struggle. If your heart is in the right place , That's all that matters.. The best and only correct thing to do is love them and I know you do. Thanks for Sharing PAT
I have been guilty of doing too much for my LO for years. Now he can't do anything without difficulty so I do it all so he (and I) can avoid the frustration. He still asks all the time if he can help and I say no, I got it, but I think to myself "If only you could".
HIldann Yes* if they only could*. I know I ask my love one to catch something for me and he is looking everywhere but where I am pointing then I wish I would have done it myself. But gotta love them, right. Well Lots of hugs, Thanks for sharing, PAT
Dick I live your same life. Dee was diagnosed in july of 06 and was showing signs of AD for a number of years but would not let us address the problem . I on a daily basis ask myself how much I should help even though It seems I do more and more as time passes. I understand that letting her do more may help her but when it comes to both our better well being i always opt to do the task. I try as much as possible to involve her but have found that she gets frustrated when she realizes she can't do the task. I do nearly all the tasks around the house,and with her personal care. I did let her shower on her own as an example but after a number of months of letting HER do it for her own good I found that she was not doing a very good job, therefore I started to assist only with advise of locations to do a better job but still letting her do the work.... I think we all feel a bit guilty by doing more and more for our LO. But as a caregiver I think each step through this whole ugle journey must be made for the overall comfort for the one we love.
I just found this site a few days ago and am so glad there is a site devoted to spouses. Dee started her early signs of AD in 99-2000 ( she was only 53-54 ) , I was in a possision that we were able to travel and fortunatly we did that for a few years in a motorhome but just seasonally as I still had a buisness. As with most of us we (family ) first thought her memory loss was her after retirement not caring to remember things because when she worked for an accounting firm she had a very responsible job. As time went on though I knew there was a real problem but when I would address it she wanted to hear none of it... She even quit 2 doctors because on my advice they would give her a memory test during her annual phisical...The hardest part for me is the memories of the one I love, being such a perfect person in so many ways. Her dress, her makeup, her nails, her hair........ now she cares about none of it, but I still love her the same and will do anything I need to, too keep her comfortable. So Dick I know what you mean in the fact that the guilt that is with you every day that we are doing the best we can and hoping that the daily decisions we make are in our loved ones best interest........... Bless us all.. Dan
Dan, D ick, and other male caregivers: I am so glad you are participating in this forum!! I for one appreciate your male viewpoint. YOu enrich the discussions and I so appreciate the love and devotion that is e xhibited in your messages.
Yes, ditto Carewife and Emily. I know if I had AD my LO would be that caring way as you guys. I try to keep that in mind as I live day to day with him. Thats so awesome that you display so much compassion for your LO's in your writing. May GOD bless you both real good. Thanks for sharing, PAT
DickS it is really hard to watch them struggle to do something they have always done before. Bill, my husband, would always want to wash the dishes. Anything left in the sink he would wash. He wouldn't use soap and would at times us his handkerchief to wash them. I did manage to convince him to just let them drain dry. That way when he was finished, I could go back and rewash them. He didn't remember that he just finished them. Later I told him I would wash and he could dry. I'd give him the towel and many times had to tell him where to put somethng. But he wanted to do something and that was about all he could do.
I enjoy reading the posts writen by the husband. I'm sure if the role was reversed, Bill, would be right there for me. I doubt he would be here though, he always had trouble with the tv remote so I don't think he would manage the computer. Welcome to all the men.
It is so hard to watch them struggle with some little task we take for granted. But thank you for this reminder for me to let my husband do as much as he can for as long as he can. He still makes the bed every morning, it might not make the cover of a magazine, but he does it--and I make myself leave it alone.
When my husband does certain tasks I walk away and just let him do it his way. I've learned that anything that I take over I've taken over for good. He will rapidly forget how to do that task. So I'm not taking any of them over until I absolutely have to.
There are certain things that are my husband's 'responsibility'. He makes the bed, feeds the dog, takes out the trash, opens and closes the blinds, dries the shower. What I have to do is try to do the things he no longer can do and usually would be a 'man thing' while he does his 'chores'. Since we live in our motorhome I try to slip out to empty the gray water, etc. that he feels badly about not even knowing is necessary! So far, that works out ok. It takes him a very long time to do these things so it helps keep him occupied that long. At this point there are times I have to do a bit to make the bed ok to sleep in, but for the most part this works. I also try to have things he can do even if they aren't needed -he can always run the vaccum again. Sometimes he thinks he should walk the dog about 30 minutes after they've been out, but our dog is happy with that, so it works. I know I will look back on this as the 'good old days' so I TRY to enjoy what we do have.
I am so guilty of doing everything. Today he told me that there's nothing left to do, it's all done. Why should we work anymore. So I started telling him stuff he could be doing, and he just told me it's alldone. That's my fault, because I just do everything without having him do it. I've always spoiled him, because of our age difference, and because he did other stuff, now he can't do that other stuff, and he mostly sleeps. Even if we go to our children's homes, he just goes upstairs and sleeps. It's largely boredom, as well as the disease. And I admit, I'm tired too.
I know it's important to let my DH do as much as possible ... but I'm not always good about it. I do step in when:
(a) There is a possibility he will hurt himself. (It has to be reasonably high possibility ... I do still let him mow the lawn -- watching from a window where he doesn't notice me -- but put my foot down about operating the power saw after he sawed the electrical cord in half. And we both agreed he won't go climbing the step ladder any more.)
(b) He is clearly becoming frustrated. In that case, I try just to help with a given step that's bothering him, not take the whole thing over. And often, he will have trouble for two or three weeks, and then get the hang of it again, and not need me. Strange disease.
(c) He asks me to. I figure he knows better than I do when I should take over something he's doing.
He does have chores that are "his" and if he's having a bad day and I have to step out of the room to keep from butting in, then that's what I do. Sometimes the chores aren't done so well, and like others who posted here, I may do them over again when he can't see me. (He never, but never, gets all the scrambled eggs out of the fry pan when he does the dishes.) He does his own laundry, and if it's not as pristine as it used to be, well, so be it. He doesn't seem to notice, and he's happy with himself.
He's responsible for the kitty litter. (No, I'm not abusive ... he actually volunteers to do it.) If he doesn't do it right, the cat lets him know, in no uncertain terms. I've discussed this with her ... she doesn't care if it's due to AD or what, it WILL be done right, period. And she hasn't figured out yet that I could do it, so it's my husband who gets the yowling and pawing at his leg. She's better than I am at getting him to do things "right".
Dave, you have expressed my thoughts exactly. My wife and I have been married 54 years, dated for 8 years before that. She was an excellent cook, gracious hostess, wonderful mother and wife, as well as being one of the most intelligent women I have ever seen. Fortunately, she doesn't object when I take over her tasks, such as cooking, laundry, finances, etc. It really hurts to see this happen to such a wonderful person. Our love for each other is still as strong as ever.
My hubby and I have been married for 46 years, and he used to do the yard, and upon retirement, started doing the vacuuming, laundry and dishes while I still worked. He can no longer take care of the yard, except he loves to use his leaf blower in the fall until all the leaves are gone. I had to take over the laundry when he started drying clothes that were hang to dry only or dry clean (several hundred dollars worth!). Now I have also had to take over doing the dishes because he wasn't getting them clean and was also putting them up wet. He still takes care of the dogs and makes our bed each day.
He has sundowners really bad, and after 6:30 p.m. he gets antsy and can't sit still; pours himself something to drink and walks away and leaves it; can't concentrate on anything and gets up and goes to bed by 7:30 - 8 each night. He's awake for at least two hours during the night, but stays in bed and watches a movie on tape while I sleep. Thank goodness is has not started roaming yet.
It has been devastating watching a man with my husband's brilliance reduced to a few household chores and the inability to do the things he loved to do: read, play bridge and travel. He re-reads his favorite books, because he can't comprehend new ones, but remembers his previous reading of the book. He can't play bridge, but can play spider solitaire on the computer. It's weird.
His love for me and mine for him and his wanting to be in whatever room I'm in while I'm home are what keep me going.
I don't know if this is the right place to post this but it's better than not doing it. A neighbor had suggested taking the knobs off the oven so my LO wouldn't turn one on not knowing better. I decided to follow her advice. However, one day I forgot and left the one knob in it's place. Before I knew it, I turned around to the stove that my wife just left and the large burner was red hot--the knob was on high. I haven't forgot to double check myself since.
I too had to take all the knobs off the stove/oven, because one day my husband was standing in front of it and was reaching for the knob to turn one on. For some reason he was always trying to turn knobs or open cabinets and drawers and remove things from them. I would find all kinds of things around the house. I also hid all the kitchen knives, not that he was threatening or anything like that, but, I never knew what to expect and I did not want him to hurt himself.
I had previously removed all the sink stoppers in the house and was glad that I did. One night he was wandering for about 4 hours or so and I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes during this time, and was awaken by the sound of running water. He had turned all the faucets on full force and was just sitting on the couch, oblivious to what he had done. One of the ladies in our Support Group had their whole house flooded when her father did the same thing and she did not wake up. When she got out of bed in the morning, her bedroom floor was covered with water. For some odd reason, Alz. patients do not like to bath, etc. but, they have a fascination with running water. Just wanted to pass this along.
For awhile, my DH was turning the water on when he was at the sink, and then forgetting to turn it off. Unfortunately, he doesn't go to the sink anymore. (part of a larger problem) But reading this thread, i realize I have to not only let him, but encourage him to do stuff. he mostly sleeps, but we did go to costco yesterday and he wanted to drive home. That was scary, but I let him do it. Of course we went straight home, and didn't stop at any of the stores I had planned on stopping at, but he was pleased with himself that he had driven. he used to drive to Florida each year (this year we flew), and we had an RV for years,. Driving was always his thing, but I'm afraid he will forget which is the break and gas. Ah well
I don't know if this would work for anyone else, but we sometimes go off highway to enjoy wildflowers, or whatever. Recently I thought about asking my husband if he would like to drive. It was great! I enjoyed being able to look around, we were only going 15 miles or less an hour, and there was no one else out there. We both enjoyed it. I am lucky that my husband is too unsure of himself to really want to drive on the freeway, so this didn't make him want to continue once we got back to the paved road.
Frand, what a great idea. Though my husband hasn't driven in about 7 or 8 years, he doesn't remember and thinks he is still able to drive. I'd love to take him off-road a few times just to cheer him.
About turning on the water faucets and walking away--my husband does this and it makes me scream. We are in a drought and are charged a fine if we use more water than we did the same time last year. Of course, he doesn't understand about the ramifications and why I'm upset. Maybe it evens out since he takes less showers and flushes less.
Sunday I went to services at UU and had planned to take my husband. But we got a late start dressing and he just couldn't get ready so he stayed home. When I left he was still in his PJ's. But when I got home he had showered, shaved, put on a great outfit and even his socks matched. He was so proud of himself so I had to take us out for a ride and to a movie. Would have gone out to eat but being Easter, every place was reservations only. It's just strange how this disease works. He still keeps his fingernails and toenails perfectly manicured and his mustache is always perfectly trimmed. I'm so thankful for little things.
Same here for nails mustache etc.. Also he's obsessed with his hair. At times we have to canel plans to dine out or go to events as he refuses to dress appropriately. Other times he wears his best to just sit at home. Sometimes it works out perfectly.
For some time, even while I was still working as a ceramic tile contractor, I would take my wife with me every day. She is used to going with me. We go camping a lot, slept in our tiny trailer 30 nights last year. This getting out of the house is good for her, but is essential for me, I believe. As her skills in grooming decline she is forever worrying about mine. At 70 I have a unruly mop of hair that has been my trademark all my life. Now she fusses and fusses with my hair. Sneaking up on me at church with a wet hand to iron down some lock. It is irritating, but it who she is now. dave
Here's another good topic from last year. My husband does almost nothing except personal hygene but I am so thankful he can do that much. Before AD he did nothing in the house. He mowed the yard and made the garden and took the trash to the curb.
I have lately started giving him little jobs. Like I will say "can you get out our cereal and he will get out the bowls and the cereal boxes if he doesn't forget where the cereal is. Also, can you get our water? and he can do that. He puts his plate in the sink. Next thing I think I will try is folding his pj's instead of leaving them on the floor. He also has "tunnel vision" and can't see anywhere but right in front of his eyes. He can feed and water the cat and let her out the door to outside. He can shut and open the automatic garage door opener. He can usually fasten and unfasten his seat belt.
In one of Joan's early blogs she talked about being type A personality. I guess I am and a perfectionist. When you grow up in an unhappy and/or abusive situation, perfectionism is often the way to cope. But it is also very stressful when you don't live up to your own expectations.
I was this way with my kids - easier to do it myself than deal with their mess or it not being done right. I did make them clean their rooms though. The same with my husband - easier to do by myself. Since moving into the motorhome, he doesn't have all the outside 'manly' stuff to do, so wants to help out in here. It has been hard to let him do dishes, vacuum,and other household - he does them well but not the way i do, except I do have to search for dishes sometimes or find a bowl with the pots.
With just his short term memory loss it has been challenging to my 'perfectionist type'. Funny - far from perfect, but still have that nasty habit. Part of it is having him repeat, tell the same thing over and over, and him not remembering what I have said. But, he still can do almost everything - the memory problem has not affected any of those abilities.
Charlotte, I wasn't abused but I WAS a perfectionist. My DH does all kinds of things around the house now, vacuums, loves to "help" me cook, likes to chop onions and veggies, etc. And, no he doesn't do it like I would and it seems to take forever, but I've gotten over it, and just let him do it. It keeps him busy and helps him feel less helpless. Martha Stewart does not live in my house anymore!
I do appreciate hearing from the men on this blog. It helps in a small way to replace the collaboration that I had at one time with my husband. It is so nice to hear a man's comments and point of view. I miss the part of my husband where we could talk over issues, just little things - things that made sense. It is nice to have that input from the gentlemen here. Thank you.
We raised 5 children. I remember my mother telling me that if I didn't let them help me when they were little and wanted to help, they wouldn't want to help me when they were bigger and able to do a 'good' job. So, my beds were always rather lumpy, the bathroom rugs weren't always hung straight, and when they put the dishes away, they were often in the wrong place. But, that was ok. They were little and oh, so very sweet, and they were a lot of fun.
Now, I try to let DH do as much as possible. When he makes the bed, it's lumpy. He never hands up the bathroom rugs at all. He is pretty good about putting his dirty clothes in the laundry bag. But the most exciting part is trying to find the stuff in the kitchen when I want it. He's a lovely man. Very kind and gentle. Really quite sweet. But, to be honest with you, I don't think this is any fun at all. I wish it would go away.
G constant refrain is, "I just want to help"..and I need to let him do it more as it gives him real pleasure. He has never helped much and that is no doubt my fault as it is easier to do it right myself (sound familiar?) He doesn't remember that he did little with cooking and now feels he should..but can't really do much. I find myself recalling our kids teenage years when "pick your battles" was the main phrase..what is important and what isn't. Me thinks this is very much the same.
Dagma, you wrote something I started out trying to express last night and then gave up on.
"It helps in a small way to replace the collaboration that I had at one time with my husband."
There are some things that usually are discussed only within the context of a spousal relationship. I am thinking particularly of the current economic situation and its impact on our personal finances. We will be okay, but boy, do I miss just being able to talk to him about how much our stocks have declined, or what's happened to our IRAs - personal things you don't "chat" with the neighbors about. Just one small piece of a much larger loss.
And yes, it's a great help having input from the wonderful husbands that frequent Joan's site.
I made a deal with my husband early on. It was simply that as long as he could do something, he should. We were not going to give up his ability to do anything without a fight. Sometimes that meant that I was a little pushy on making sure he did the things he could but I think it was better for him the way he was. Sometimes it meant that things were not done exactly right or how I would prefer. He is now in stage 7 and in a facility and I noticed that if I am there when he is eating, he will refuse to feed himself and want me to feed him. I've cut back on being there at meal times and try and get there towards the end of a meal or just afterwards. A piece of me so wants to protect him from the struggle and do everything for him but it would not be what he wanted and truly is not in his best interest.
When testing my DH at the Memory Clinic for the first time, he couldn't tell them which floor he was on. It was mentioned later that he didn't know that. I told them he didn't know because I looked at the directory and pushed the elevator button. His doctor looked at me and said flatly "Don't do that." I was told that I shouldn't do anything for him that he could still do for himself. This is so hard for me.
And that is so stupid. Doctors who have never met the person before give the MME and mark them down for not remembering their name or "where they are". Come on, that's sheer self-importance!!
Re what they can and can't do: I am just eternally grateful that we raised three kids. As my husband descends further into childhood (second childhood is an ancient term, isn't it! and very apt!) I'm glad I remember the ways to get toddlers to do things. Counting to ten. If you can show me how you can take your walker to the bottom of the stairs I'll meet you there.. etc. Very helpful!
I would guess that many of us older spouses have long done things for each other. That's part of a marriage.
I let my husband try to do what he wants to try. (Unless it's too dangerous, of course.) But how do we know what our spouses can still do for themselves? One day he can do something, the next he can't, the day after he's good again. If I were to assume he could do something when it's a bad day, and insist on his doing it, then to me, it's forcing him to fail.
I've never gotten advice like that from anyone who sees my husband, not his doctors and not the people at the research center.
Yes, I believe mental stimulation is good, but I do think it has to be a positive experience for it to be helpful.
Stress is definitely a bad thing, where my husband is concerned.
I might be somewhat guilty of doing things that my husband (might) be able to. However, sometimes it is easier on him & I must admit myself, to just do it myself. I have noticed lately he has no desire to help do anything anyway.
I know I am guilty of trying to do as many things as I can to help her, I hate to see her struggling with something that I can do very quickly. I do tend to step in and take over. She is still trying to cook an evening meal, sometimes she doesn't do a very good job of, leaves out an ingredient or two or leaves the room and forgets that it is in the kitchen cooking. It try to keep my hands out of this cooking operation and let her do what she can with it as it seems to please her. I do find myself turning down the heat, stirring things and moving things off of the burner. i do all of the clean-up most days. It does make her happy if I will help her cut up the ingredients and help her with the preparation when I can.
Cooking the evening meal and doing the washing seem to be the only major chores she can handle now. I do most of the rest of the chores.
I have struggled with this for several years now. My wife started with primary progressive aphasia and lost her ability to get words and sentences out very early on and this is how we knew something was wrong since she taught english, reading, and english as a second language for 32 years. At first she had now problem doing everyday tasks and could understand what I was saying to her, seemed to have no problem with remembering everyone and most of the time where everything was. Then she had more and more problems understanding what I was saying to her. Now I don't think she understands most everything I say to her and only gets it through nonverbal ways which I struggle more and more to come up with ways to tell her anything. I feel guilty sometimes because I start to tell her small things or comment on something and them think why bother, she won't know what I am saying anyway. This is the most difficult part of dealing with a person who I spent so much time with over the last 34 years and we used to talk about everything since we also taught high school in the same building for 26 years. For the most part she is very easy to deal with and very cooperative with anything I have her do, but more and more she has small times of being stubborn and I just have to back off and find a new way to let her do what I want. She has progressed to have more typical problems of alzheimers. She has great difficulty doing most every day task and for the most part doesn't even try anymore, which I guess in some ways is a blessing because we have had very few of the problems I see others write about that have caused household disasters. I do all household tasks and let her help in small ways that I think she can handle which is also disheartening in that it shows more and more how she is losing her ability to do more and more for herself and you have to decide whether to let her do something wrong and then just redo it or not let her try to do it at all. I know that using her brain as best she can may help her in the long run but it is so hard to watch her struggle and she still even realizes that she can't do something anymore and can trigger her feeling depressed and crying sometimes. I feel so bad for her because she can't even talk to me or anyone about how she feels about anything and I am amazed she handles it as well as she does. She is only 57 which makes it even harder to think she has to deal with this at the age when she should be enjoying her retirement and doing more of the things we always planned on doing when we had the time.
I just had an afterthought. I think what I have learned most of all is that there is not always a right or a wrong way to do any of this. Everyone's situation is so different that you have to just take one day at a time and hour or minute at a time and do what it takes to get through one more day and hope that it is a good day. Just do what works for you.
Did you ever watch Jeeves and Wooster? THe butler (valet) and the imbecilic Bertie Wooster? Bertie would be carrying on about something or other, and Jeeves would just stand there and hand him the clothes he should have, help him into his jacket, etc etc. That's what I have in mind while I just, without discussing the matter, help my husband don his clothes or take them off at night. It's SO much easier than hearing him rant and rave. Now he's having a lot of trouble managing a shower: he soaps himself and then turns on the shower to rinse off, but now he gets stuck in the soaping mode. And he does NOT want help. That's the next behavior to tackle, I guess.
I know what you mean Dick , My SW thinks she can do just like she did before this AD started . I just let her go ahead with it . Then I go a redo if it needs doing . The other day she was doing Soup and it boiled over no big problem and we both had a big laugh out of it and also a big HUG . She is so SWEET .
Once I recognized what was going on I decided that I wasn't giving up anymore of the things he still could do for himself. So he still makes his own breakfast. On bad days I might have to show him where everything is, but he still makes it himself and the bad days don't happen all that often. I still make him cut up his own tomatoes for salad for supper. The thing that makes that easy is that he eats them and I do not. So I start the salad and he finishes up his own bowl.
He vacuumed the house today. We bought the Dyson because he hated the Orick that I'd bought for myself to use. I literally have never turned it on. And it will stay that way until he can't do that anymore.
He still goes out on his walk. He just returned from one that lasted about an hour this afternoon. I can't keep up with him because of my own medical problems, so I can't walk with him. And I decided I'm going to let him do it as long as he can even though it might be dangerous at some point. He needs some quality of life as much as anyone else.
Ikincaid - your words brought tears to my eyes. I know what you mean about wanting to share something and then deciding "what's the use". My husband is very high functioning, but his attention span is so short - honestly he can only handle a few words at the time. I have to ask him several times to look at me when I am speaking to him or else he doesn't "hear" me at all. He has a hearing issue, but won't wear a hearing aid. But there are so many times that I want to stop and say something like "look at the bird, isn't that beautiful". It would take us about 30 minutes and a lot of explaining for him to get something like that - and then he just looks at me trying to get the point of why I would say something like that. So, it really is kinder to him not to put him through what he can't do, but it breaks my heart not to have my partner as I have over the last 42 years. It helps to hear that someone else has a similar issue. Thanks for sharing.
I kept hearing this banging. I thought the guy next door was doing something. Then I hears a lot of cussing from downstairs. I went down to see what was going on. And, here right in front of my eyes, DH was up on a chair hanging up a clock. He had dropped the screwdriver and he had one hand on the clock that would fall. I picked up the screw driver and he got really shaky. I put my hands on his legs and asked him if he was all right. He assured me that he was. However, after he finished his chore, he was unable to get down off the chair by himself. I helped him down. We put the chair away and I chided him by saying "I'd prefer if you didn't climb on the chairs any more. I'm afraid you might fall." Of course, that brought out the macho in him. "I never fall. I've got the balance and strength I had when i was 20. You're crazy if you think I was going to fall." He did agree later that if it would make me happy, he wouldn't climb up on the chairs any more. I wish I could feel confident in that declarationl
My hb can still do some things, but doesn't have decent reasoning or thought process. Once in awhile he'll say "the dishes are my job," but he doesn't consistently do them, and I don't remind him of "his" job. One day this week I noticed he was washing a few dishes in water--no soap--so I said if you use soap, it really makes them cleaner and cuts any grease. "There's no grease, and I've discovered a new way to do dishes; you don't need soap." So, guess I'll be the new "dish checker." We could use the dish washer, but w/only 2 of us, dishes would wait a long time for washing, and we'd probably run out before the dw was full. Don't want to waste water & elec for a couple plates:) One of the things that bugs me most: WE (spouses) are the ones who have to moderate "discussions," do extra jobs, make allowances.
My DH never did any of the household chores here. he had a great mind and made the checks for us to live comfortably so i took it as my job to make sure the household ran smoothly and in place for his weekends when he could be home. i lived for 20yrs half my life in a 3rd world co where women were not equals -stayed at home and raised kids and didnt meddle. i fit into this new lifestyle very well the one thing being i had many maids to run the house back then -now my DH even today never really helped around the house so i do it all. and now like others said here i dont want him to get flustered not being able to do the simple things so i help him with most things unless i know he can do it himself without problems. my thinking is if there are only a particular number of brain cells left in him, and non reproducing now with AD, then i want those cells to go to remembering ME and giving me a hug and saying he loves me:) divvi
I am starting to deal more with the "can he still do that?" Most recently I am getting complaints that all the knives are dull and need sharpening. Mmmmm.....time to watch this more closely I'm sure. He mentioned that the can opener has a knife sharpener. Locked that sucker up real fast. Dishwasher loading is no longer being done well, so I am just "reloading" as needed or rewashing items.
How much should I help? How much should he do himself? Where safety is involved it's an easy call. For the rest?
Early in my reading on AD, I saw a post on some forum that reminded others that no matter what we do or don't do, we may not (at some point)be able to make our LO happy. And, regardless, Alzheimer's always wins. And, as others have said, we need to make sure Alzhiemer's doesn't take two victims.
I'm trying to NOT feel guilty over anything. Safety (for both of us) comes first. Survival for me comes second. Preferable, with my health and sanity, and enough money to get by. Alzheimer's always wins no matter what I do.
The first year of Charlie's illness, I kept saying that I knew there was no cure but that I wanted him to be all that he could be for as long as he could. Well, it was a good thought, but it soon became obvious that the more I tried to help him retain his skills, the more frustrated he became when he could not do the simplest thing. I didn't care if he didn't do it right, he cared. He knew it wasn't right and he wouldn't do it whether it was folding clothes or making the bed. About the only things he does now is eat, sleep and take his wet clothes off. He hates to be wet (always did - he hated rain), so when he has an accident, off come the clothes whether he is in the kitchen or the bedroom