I read tthese boards constantly, don't post often, but today...I want my husband back! This was by far the worst day ever. We went to the doctor this afternoon, and he told us that he wouldn't be our Primary anymore because the VA was going in a different direction. This is the Doctor that diagnosed my husband with AD. I was pissed and angry, but I've learned to go with the flow. I think my agitation may have affected his mood, because after the Dr.appt we did our weekly shopping. Dave took charge of he grocery cart twice, and both times ram into a display and sent them flying all over the store. I was sooooo embarrassed, but put everything back in order and moved on. Once we got home and put the groceries away, he went to take a nap. I had a major mealtdown. I called my youngest son, crying hyserically, and tole him I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK! I don't want this person whom I live with. I feel bad because my son is living with a newly diagnosed autistic son, whom, oh by the way, is my grandson, so I'm trying to deal with that, too. Hubby heard me on the phone, and got agitated because "there's nothing wrong with him", just something wrong with me. Oh lord, give me strength. I do't know how much more I can deal with. I know this is just thr beginning, but I want my husband back. Thanks for listening.
Diane V - I also read these boards constantly. I just wish more people were posting so I would have more to read. I know exactly how you feel and others here feel the same way, but I don't think we are going to "get our husbands back" So sorry your son is having to deal with a autistic child. I think that would be so difficult.I am thankful I am not yet having to deal with the incontinent issue and some other things some of the spouses are having to deal with. Thinking of you and try to have a good evening.
lmohr, Thanks for the response. I know I'm never going to get my husband back. You have consistantly responded to my few posts, and I am greatful. Dealimg with AD and and Autistic grandson are very stressful. One day at a time. Thinking of you this evening... Thanks and God bless
I am on my way out for the day, so I cannot respond in length as I would like to - I will try to do so later. However, you have voiced a desire that I believe is at the core of this website for spouses. Log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and click on "previous blogs" on the left. Read the Welcome blog, if you have not already done so, and scroll through the rest of the topics - I have written extensively on the "stranger" living in my house. I can't tell you how many times I have lain in bed at night crying to him - I miss you. I want my husband back.
I'm sorry I don't have the time now to find this for you, but in the "previous blog" section, scroll to February 2008 - I believe it was around the 9th or 12th, and read the blog on the CNN article that was written - the picture in the article is NOT Sid and me, but a lot of the article is about what I had to say about Alzheimer's and marriage.
The only solace I can offer you is that you are not alone!
Diane, I am so sorry that you lost your primary doctor (think positive - the next one will be better and you will feel more confident in his treatment); that your husband had accidents at the grocery store (as time goes on, you get to where you don't care as much because nothing broke and you restacked it and he is able to go with you and walk and push the cart); and you have my deepest sympathy concerning your grandson. I would have responded yesterday, but I had to take off work to take my grandson to get his driver's test. (My son and his wife put off teaching him to drive and allowing him to drive so that when he arrived to help me, he only had a driver's permit at age 19!!) I didn't get a chance to get online and reply to anyone. He passed his test, by the way! Today when I get off work we have to go get his actual license. He's driving us to the airport on Sunday now. <grin>
Back to my advice, for what it is worth. Diane, please come and rant and rave and know we are here for you, whether one or many respond. There are many who say that they don't respond because someone has already said what they would say and theirs would be repetitious. We come here to say what we can't say anywhere else, and in the process have made close friends and feel like a big family. Some get online several times a day (I do when I can) and others only every few days or once a week or less, depending on their lives, illness, travel, etc. Don't think we don't care when we don't reply and take it personally. We DO care and want to help. Sometimes we want immediate responses (and NEED them - to know someone is here) and get hurt when no one replies. That has happened to me on many occasions. (If you look at the past discussions, several have ended with me!) Sometimes we just run out of juice on a subject for a period of time. Sometimes we are feeling low and can't think of what to say. Please bear with us and keep posting!!!!
We all want our spouses back to what they were before AD, but we know that it can't happen. I sometimes can see a glimpse, and it gives me hope, then it goes away and I'm let down again. Such an emotional roller coaster we are on! There are times (like when you wrote your blog) that you have come to the end of your rope, and you can't take any more. We all have those moments, and our solace, is that those here KNOW and UNDERSTAND what you are feeling, and offer you hugs, friendship, and a shoulder to cry on when necessary. We love you, Diane. ((HUGS))
Diane, I am one who reads and reads and reads...I don't respond very often because I have been through the whole gamut.....from the strange beginnings of this disease to the long and lingering death....and it just about breaks my heart to read about what you all in the "trenches" are having to deal with. It makes me angry, because all these years have passed, new drugs introduced, new theories offered and.....look, we are still in the same place. I ache for the hurt you are feeling....I cry with all of you.....I even laugh at the antics.....
What I have to offer is only the knowledge that you can't beat the disease....it will win, but you can survive it yourself. Not an easy task, but then nothing about this insidious disease is.
I remember many times going into my garage and screaming out loud....I wanted my life back, I wanted to die or I wanted him to die....I wanted to just get into my car and drive and never come back. Did it help....who knows? But, I am here....sane (although that may be debatable) and you will be too....
Rant and rave all you want....I will be reading....I will be understanding.....I will be here......
Hi, and thank you for those very beautiful words of support and love. Your entry really touched me. I'm trying as hard as I can to make some peace with this hell. Some moments i seem OK...the very next I'm screaming in my car. My DH is 52,and although he is in about stage 5-6, he is very happy and sweet...I thank my few lucky stars for that part.
Thanks for still thinking of us...and here's to you as well.
Diane, it is a good thing that you wrote. Writing out the really miserable stuff makes it so much easier to deal with it, and we can't tell you that you are not alone, if we don't know you are hurting. Come back and write to us again. We care.
Sandi, thank you for writing. Knowing that this is survivable keeps me sane. Right now we are going through an easy period. My husband is in a long plateau. I look back a year and see major changes. I look back 6 months, and not so much. The period before this was a hard one emotionally. I expect the next major change will mean it gets hard physically. So do keep writing. We all need to hear what you say.
oh Ann, try not to feel that way. your living on is a way to carry on his/your legacy of what was once wonderful as a couple. you will carry those memories to eternity. the help can come in many ways, thru prayers and another being here with your friends on this forum who will help you thru the more difficult times. post often and let your feelings out among those here who do understand, it helps to rid yourself of the mental toxins. Divvi
Ann, please don't let this disease take you with it. Don't let it defeat you! I don't know your believes but I honestly believe you are strong enough to survive otherwise you wouldn't be on this journey with your DH. You would be, lets say a rodeo clown or a dress maker. You get what I mean.................... Hang in there ! We will all make this journey together, and with joan's gift of a place to come together and find comfort we can survive! Rk
Thank you all for your support. (I need to use my spellcheck). Today is a better day...I'm at work. This disease is so wierd. Some days, I almost forget he has AD. Other days, like yesterday, it was in my face all day. I'm hoping that his next Doc is as kind as the one he has now. He's a DO, so he was giving me all kinds of alternative treatments, which I like. And thank you Joan, I am going to the "previous blogs" now. You are all so great! Thanks for being there! Di
Mary & Sandi, I've re-read the posts since I am home from work. All of you have been great, but you two have said things that really touched my heart. Think I'll retire to the garage and scream my lungs out! :) God Bless us all on our journey! Di
Diane, I feel for you. It is such a painful disease. I am not sure which place was harder for me, the stage when I ranted to God that I wanted my husband back.. or now, when all hope is lost and I just pray God takes him before end stage. Keep coming, sharing, and know we have all been there, or will be there, and are here to help support each other ((hugs))
Sandi, your posts always move me. Not too long ago, I was in the car alone for the first time in just ages!!! I remember having this overpowering urge... need... to just drive and drive... and drive, to never go back! It is just too much at times. *sigh
Diane, you are not alone and scream your lungs out if it helps. I fought for 5 months to get my husband back home from the hospital and now that he is I am grateful for his presence but I am having a difficult time dealing with "the disappearing conversation" and missing the man I fell in love with and my partner for 24 years. We all want our spouses back and it is a very difficult journey. Everyone here gives us strength to go on...I find that I start crying for no reaso at all and my DH asks "Why are you crying"?