I haven't been here for a while. My life has sunk to new lows. My husband was removed by his family (and my children) to visit his sister in Florida. That has been since March....Now allmost February. They are persuing a divorce full force, but he has no knowlege of this. He calls me several times a day, sometimes threatening and angry, sometimes tearful and lonely begging for my company. Wants me to come over and find his socks for him so He can get dressed. I'm 900 miles away!! I know I can't take care of him anymore. I'm in care for a very severe clinical depression and feel like I'm fallilng into a deep hole. So conflicted. Yes, I have several VERY expensive lawyers to protect me. I was in the process of qualifying him for Medicaid (elderattorney advice) becausse he had never planned for the eventuality of anything bad happening to his health. That's what the family found frightening. Paid off house. In process of doing other financial headstands when family became alarmed and thought I was trying to railroad him into a nursing home. Not true. Just didn't want everything removed from over my head. Wanted to keep my farm and home. How is it possible for him to divorce me when he knows nothing about it? My lawyer tells me if they have established a custodian for him it can proceed just as they plan. Where am I going to go? What do I do? He hasn't been able to appear here in this state for depositions for one reason or another.....something my lawyer is insisting upon before this can go further. Seems like he's just buying me time. I would be willing to move him back to this state and place him in a home nearby me. But, the family has renamed themselves as beneficiaries of a small annuity....revoked my power of attorney....probably changed his will. He'll sign anything you put in front of him. How is this legal. I don't need a divorce. Rather die a widow. Has someone had any experience in this area of life. HELP. I feel like I'm loosing my mind and want to die.
StuntGirl, what stage is he? You could probably get the changes in his POA and will reversed if you could prove he did not understand what he was signing. My wife, stage 6, cannot change her will or POA, even though our elderlaw attorney said it would help clean up a few minor problems. There is no way she could understand what she was signing. This is one area where your "VERY expensive lawyers" could earn their keep.
I know you must feel lost and overwhelmed. And afraid. I don't know the laws of your state or his. I am concerned that you said you want to die. I would say it would be good to call the Alzheimer's hot line and talk to them, even though they can't give you legal advice. Sometimes it just helps to talk & get it out of your head. You say you are "in care for depression." Are you on antidepressants? If you are, can they be increased? When you are depressed it is hard to think straight.
Sounds like you might have to take a trip to FL to get the court, etc. on your side there. Was he ever diagnosed, meaning, do you have documentation as to his condition?
Yes, Stuntgirl, I've been in exactly the same spot and for many of the same reasons.( I was physically no longer to care for him at home: his first family didn't want him in a care facility but were not willing to help in his care in anyway.) In Canada, it would be illegal to revoke your POA without notifying you. It would be illegal for anyone to go for custodianship without notifying you. I had to change lawyers and was lucky enough to find the best one in Vancouver who had a track record for this kind of case. The other two stalled for time, and all the while the metre ticked away. It was a nurse friend of mine who had an excellent lawyer, and my friend asked her for the name of the most qualified lawyer in town. Sort of like asking a doctor for a referral to the surgeon who gets the best results for your particular case. The new lawyer asked me to arrange with my husband's family doctor to get two medical evaluations on the ability of my husband to make personal or financial decisions (POA is the latter). That being established, that he was not capable, put the ball back in my court. This business of him being out-of-state complicates things. This sounds like kidnapping, but maybe I'm overreacting. Have you an advocate of any kind? A brother? A friend? Minister or priest? Someone who can step in and lend you a hand, even with moral support? I know how scarce they can be and how overwhelming it is to be you against so many. BUT YOU ARE HIS LEGAL WIFE AND THE COURTS RECOGNIZE THIS. There is help out there for you. Hang in there. It's on its way. Prayer does work, and I'll pray my heart out for you.
I am so glad to see you back. I have been wondering how you were doing. I can understand the clinical depression. You have so much that is negative coming your way. Most of us don't recognize our strengths, but it sounds like you have been very strong in being so pro active in getting affairs in order. I can truthfully say that NO ONE in my life except one grandchild and my best friend understand what goes on with my husband's AD and how hard it is. The exception I make are all of my REAL friends here on this board. I know I could not have made it without coming here. I don't have advice except to say to keep in touch with this board and often. There are a LOT of sweet, caring, nonjudgemental, smart folks here that are eager to help. God bless - you are and have been in my prayers.
"A while"? Did you say you hadn't been here for a WHILE??? You haven't been here in forever, Stuntgirl, and we old timers have been very worried about you. I had so hoped we were wrong, that you were doing well -- the last time you posted, it sounded like things might be coming together for you.
Nuts.
None of us are legal experts, of course. But it does strike me that there are two issues here.
One is whether or not your husband can divorce you, without having initiated proceedings while he was mentally competent.
I know that YOU could divorce HIM in the States even if he's mentally incompetent. However, the situation seems quite different if a third party has decided that a divorce should happen when he doesn't know what's going on, didn't ask for it, and you don't want it. In any state, there have to be grounds for divorce, after all, and who has the right or is qualified to say there are grounds if neither of you wanted the divorce in the first place?
The other issue is what a divorce might mean in terms of what assets you retain.
Perhaps you may be better off allowing the divorce to proceed, if the negotiations for the assets you retain are handled properly.
After all, the entire reason you started shifting assets into your name was because the costs for his health care can be expected to sky-rocket. You don't want to lose what you have because of your liability for his medical bills as his wife.
Your lawyer is stalling for time ... but has he told you anything about how much time he can gain that way? If they have to produce your husband for a depo, they have got a very serious problem on their hands. Your attorney may be able to stonewall proceedings until they produce him. And he can't give a depo, because he isn't competent. The custodian cannot give a depo for him, you know. Your husband has to do it himself, without help. The kiddies can't afford to let him do that, because there's no way to control how he'll answer questions.
That might kill the proceedings from ever going forward.
So then if the kiddies really want to proceed, maybe they're going to have to agree to your terms (provided your terms are even halfway reasonable, of course ... and I imagine you're not trying to soak him for every last penny, you simply want what you're entitled to.)
I think (a) you need to take a big breath and try to calm down.
Then (b) you need to ask your lawyer to explain his strategy, so that you understand it. Don't ask us, ask him. Think about this, and develop a list of questions, set up an appointment, take the list along, and go over it line by line.
Does your husband absolutely HAVE to give a depo, and if so, what does it mean if they never produce him? What does it mean if they DO produce him, and the depo shows he's mentally incompetent? What assets do you have a very clear right to, and what additional assets could you get if the negotiations go well? And what does your attorney plan to do to ensure they DO go well? Could the kiddies legally get your husband to revoke your POA? Was anything that was done at their end, under their influence, legal? and so on and so forth.
If you don't like his answers, then follow mary75's advice, and find another attorney who has a lot of experience in this type of case.
You are his wife. They did "remove" your husband, using undue influence and, apparently, did so for their own profit. There are plenty of legal grounds for fighting their ultimate goal (getting their hands on your assets).
Don't you dare let them hurt you even further. You fight your depression, dear Stuntgirl, with every ounce of your strength, you hear me? And work with your attorneys to retain your rights to your assets, by whatever means necessary. And come here for our love and support any time you need us.
Sunshyne, and all that responded to my desperation....thank you so much! Yes, there's a lot of wisdom here. I thouight I was through with this board because (as I told my therapist), HE was not a part of my life anymore or my responsibility.......she told me he was very MUCH still in my life and I needed your support here. Thanks for the sound advice and encouragement. I'll persue what was suggested. Jen.
Have you considered contacting the Alzheimer's Association both in your location and in Florida. They may be able to provide some basic information on your situation and refer you to an Attorney who may be able to provide you with some very basic free advice.
After all the basic question is can he pursue a divorce in Florida if he is incompetent ? I don't think so, but the attorney could answer that basic question. Florida has so many elderly residents, there are a myriad of laws protecting them.
Stunt girl I just reread your post several times, you say that you DO have lawyers, you Cannot care for him, and YOU are under a DR'S Care. I am scratching my head wondering why the legal divorce is a bad thing?? You have the home and farm and are living there, right? He is in another state being cared for by his kids, right? You are trying to get yourself healed, right?? Maybe the stalling tatics that the lawyers are taking are a good thing, after all they cannot complete a divorce proceeding without YOUR knowledge and signatures, right?? I am just trying to play the "devils advocate" here, I am on your side no matter what, but have your really sat down and wrote all the pros and cons out??
To tell the truth, I don't know WHO is paying for his care in the nursing home. He's been there since before Thanksgiving. Suppossedly, all our assets have been frozen and neither of us has access to "marital funds". I do know the family wants to force me from the home so they can sell it and split everything. The farm has always been in my name and is paid off. These proceedings are going so SLOW. Another thing....in his confused state of mind, the children have cooerced him into taking my name off a small annuity (he has no insurance, never provided any safety net for me) and replaced it with theirs as beneficiary. How can they do that legally? It all seems like these things are items I can fight in a court, depending on how much money I'm willing to spend. It's all about the money, I guess. Except there is none....except in the farm and home. My lawyer is insisting that he be brought to Virginia here to take depositions. A doctor (other than his own) has been hired to do the physical exam and mental evaluation to see if he is even capable of doing that. If not, what then? Wish I had a crystal ball. I'm always hoping someone here will come along that has been through the same kinds of actions. I'll keep casting my net and maybe that will happen. I only want to live peaceably and stay in my home. I had nothing to do with this division in my family. It is evil.
Only some of it is about money, Stuntgirl. Some of it is about you ... what is really important to you? What is important enough to fight for, and what can you let slide?
Can you simply decide not to worry about that annuity? because everything will eventually be dealt with, and that annuity is simply a bargaining chip. Maybe it will end up yours, maybe his, maybe split between the two of you, depending on which assets you really want for yourself. It won't matter who is beneficiary.
Don't obsess about the details, that's what you have lawyers for. Don't obsess about his family, rotten as they are, you'll just ruin your own health and they are NOT WORTH IT.
Think about who you want to be when you come out from all this, and start working toward that.
Starling and Sushyne......thanks so much for your words. I DO need to think of what is important to me. Right now, it's keeping my farm and way of life I've had ALL my life. This IS my life, my whole world. What remains of my family, my hounds, barn cats, horses and cattle ARE now my family. I've never worked all my life and have no income except what my parents are providing and that deminishes my selfrespect. I want to be independent. So much went wrong. I just want to get back on a straight, right track and good frame of mind. Thank you again.