I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. Just me musing and wondering about how my husband's pre- AD personality is having an effect on his AD behavior.
I have seen a return of personality traits from years back, and I've seen totally new behaviors all within a time span of .......................................2 minutes.
DH always wanted to be at home, with privacy on his weekends. After retirement it was still alot of the same.
Some days he says to me "we just have to get out of here. I'm sick of just sitting here. I have to be doing something."
I am used to a man who just wants to sit and watch TV and NOT be a real sociable person.
In our house, DH never enjoyed socializing and still doesn't and he doesn't want me to socialize. I was the opposite in that I always enjoyed socializing.
Sounds like Sid was a socializer and people person and still is. I can see both of your frustrations and you are right you are the target and only place for him to vent.
I had a sitter this morning and went to town. When I started getting ready this morning, he stormed in with pants in hand, demanding to know WHY I was going to town and not taking him. He thought I wanted him to go with me. I calmly told him I wanted to go to the Mall and it was too long a time for him to wait in the car. Son in law was going to come and take him to therapy and then to lunch.
He calmed down then but I could just feel the vibes in the room. He is very good about going along with me on shopping jaunts, doesn't complain etc. but he does not want me to go without him.
My DH, just as joang's, was a very social person. He had to be as he was the leg man in our business. He is used to traveling and that was a really good thing in our 45 year marriage. He has always been a handful! That was his personality when we were young and is still, only MORE. I do think that if their personality is outgoing and gregarious they will want that after AD dx. I think it might be harder for them because they they sense they are failing mentally and know they are not up for their game. They try to cover for a long time. I think a person that is docile and happy to be non-social would have an easier time adjusting to AD since they are used to a quieter life without a lot of stimulation. They might just want to be close to family.....M
My husband was sociable too. When he couldn't drive anymore he wanted me to take him out every day just driving around. He wanted to go to a flee market that is 65 miles away and he wanted to go there every weekend. He kept that up for a long long time. This got real old for me, but I did it. Now I'm lucky if I get him out of the house. He is now about toward the end of stage six.He also had a temper, that was curtailed by taking Risperdal, thank goodness.
I have heard claims that AD intensifies the original personality, but I don't believe them. I think it depends entirely on which parts of the brain are being damaged.
But maybe that's because of my own experience. (1) My mother was a shy, insecure, self-conscious, oh-so-prim-and-proper woman. She developed the rage and aggression, used the most foul language (heaven only knows where she picked it up from), and would say the most outrageous things to anyone who got near her. (2) My husband was the high-power type, always on the go, traveled extensively, needed to be in charge and could be ruthless if the situation called for it, excellent driver and loved it (he did some stock car racing in his past) and always did all the driving, used the phone constantly for keeping in touch with half the world. And he had quite a temper as a young'un, although he learned to keep a tight leash on it in later years. Now he's very mild-mannered, calm, and pleasant, prefers having me in charge, perfectly happy having me do all the driving, won't get near the phone, is happy to go out on chores with me or for a walk by the lake but never initiates any outings. But, mind you, he does not seem to be aware that he has problems, and seems to be very unselfconscious when we stop to chat with neighbors or even strangers walking at the park.
My husband was very sociable as it was required in his position. After retiring, he was happy just to putter around the house, play golf, go out to eat, etc and did enjoy having people to our house. After DX, it's difficult to get him to go out very much - and he is still able (mentally and physically) to do so. He does, however, want me to drive him to Lowes or the grocery store a couple times a week - or more! And he becomes very sociable there by talking to all the workers, etc. But at home, he will putter a little, more in warmer weather, then settle in playing games on his laptop in the afternoons. Never takes a nap. So, I guess it's a mixed bag with him.
My DH could be twins with Sunshynes description of his before and after personality. he is quite the calm, smiling and easy to manage now in latter 6stage.- and was quite the high powered intellect always on the go. he still is quite interestd in entering and listening to others conversations although we cant understand what hes saying- he understands everything he hears, so we try to acknowledge his conversing as though we know exactly what hes saying. i agree that some personality traits magnify in intensity, and others depending on where the disease strikes the brain, can be quite strange and exhausting and totally out of character. divvi
In addition to my previous comments on how DH acts now that he has been diagnosed with AD.
He was always "possessive." and always worried someone was going to steal his woman. Always wanted to keep tabs on me.
When his changes in behavior led to AD diagnoses he was still possessive, but more worried that his woman "Wants" to be stolen.
He used to be loud voiced (boisterous), and even intimidating to me and the kids. One would want to be careful not to challenge or DH would go off on a verbal tyrade about how "stupid" our comments were, and would speak condescendingly telling us he was "surprised" and "disappointed" in us. Also, he wouldn't shut up about it. He'd bring up whatever upset, disappointed etc., for hours, sometimes days on end. He'd harp all the time.
Now, in the latest stages he mumbles, never ever yells. He speaks as if a child pleading to be watched over. Afraid to be left alone. He is immediately taken aback when I speak, and is compliant to me as though he is afraid to cross his mother.
I used to get my digs in during arguments refusing to be completely shut down, but I also tried to keep the peace.
Now, its anything goes with me. If I'm tired, peeved, angry, whatever.....ain't nothing gonna keep me down.
New Realm, my dh has always been possessive also. He is also still possessive and thinks I want to find another man. But, usually he does not raise his voice about anything else. I was not "beat down" as much as you evidentally were and I could see why you would feel the way you do.
When my father was in a nursing home with dementia, a nurse told Mom and me that the patients she had seen changed 180 degrees from their previous personalities. Those who were kind and loving became angry and violent and those who had been angry and controlling became loving and compliant. Sounds like there isn't a pattern to me.
Mine was outgoing with close friends, well known as a clown as a very young professor, but over time got more and more quiet. Never possessive with me, still isn't. Sometimes he lets rage out, but early on when he did, I laughed and copied him, and that stuck. So now when he gets furious, he looks at me to see if he can get away with it, and I laugh and he laughs. I said tonight, can you make a Bronx cheer? And he did and was very proud of himself. This was less than a minute after he'd been screaming about something or other. (When we almost ran out of neurontin, before the first of the year, I cut him back by half until the new prescription came in. I've left it at the half dose but I think I'm now going to go back to the two; sundowning has definitely gotten worse.)
" I have heard claims that AD intensifies the original personality, but I don't believe them. I think it depends entirely on which parts of the brain are being damaged."
Sunshyne, I couldn't agree more. I was Lynn's princess, after AD - I was his mortal enemy!!!! The doctors have explained his anger and aggression are because of what areas of his brian are being destroyed. So, for us, NO! This stranger is NOTHING like the man I married. NOTHING. Total personality switch.
Now, the socializing we organize is called 'play dates' in my head, but can't really say that out loud, as the LO is aware enough to know that would be a put down...even though he is not aware that his behavior is childish most of the time. Sigh. MY DH always was pretty mellow. Definitely Type B personality. Most of the time he will say 'whatever you want'. When he is upset it's in a tone of frustration, which I try not to take personally, sometimes with success (my issue to work on). What I WANT is to have my husband back NOT decide his activities. But even when he is aggravated, if I leave it be for a bit, I can start over and then don't meet resistance. I pray this continues.
My husband worked crazy hours so when he was off all he wanted to do was stay home. Now that he can't work he has this obsessive need to go the mall everyday. He is still early stages and can still drive but because of this obsession with going to the mall I have had to start restricting his access to the car keys. I don't have a problem with him going to the mall once a day--I go with him in the mornings to do my walk--but he wants to go 3-5 times a day for an hour or so at a time. He walks around, looks at the cards, smells candles, etc. I'm worried that the mall security will think he is loitering.
Deb, my DH is also obsessive about "going somewhere" everyday - not 3-5 times though! I try to take him to Lowes or Kroger - his two favorite places daily. Actually, he likes Kroger best. He loves looking at all the food and buying stuff we really don't need. I usually tell him we already have that. He will eat anything I cook, so it isn't that he wants it to eat - just that he wants it to BUY.
You might also introduce him to the security people and managers or the stores, so they get to know him. I have done this in the stores we go to most often - and they are all so very nice and they do keep an eye on him!
yes good to have security and managers know upfront that spouse has AD. i know on more than one occasion my DH would pocket something when i wasnt looking! he always has 'stuff' in his pockets so putting something unpaid for isnt surprising. they can get themselves into complicated predicaments so keep an eye out in stores. Divvi
My DH was always a kind and gentle man and he is that way most of the time. He was never possessive and never doubted me. The first big sign that something was wrong is when he started accusing me of having something going on with a young boy across the street that we did not know. This has been a continuing accusation. Only now it is other men who come around or I am meeting when I carry out the garbage. Who has time for any outside activities? The funny thing is he is not angry but seems to be hurt about it. You try to reason with him and he does not understand. The advice I have gotten is go along with fantasies but this I cannot do.
I went through the bit about having found someone to mess around with in the 3 minutes it took me to go feed the dog, get the mail, or run to the market (never mind that I came back with groceries in 20 minutes.).
DH's ex made a laughing stock of him. The fact they worked together in a large corp., his wife having a long standing affair with HER boss, and him finding out when someone in their department sent him an anonymous note. And next someone in his dept confirming it's been going on over a year.
Well, DH was seriously depressed. That of course was 25 years ago, but DH seemed to have transferred that depression and distrust to me. I was about to die from the stress by Christmas of 2007. What saved me was DH getting on Risperdal.
Reasoning is impossible. Believe me, I tried, and I cried daily for many months. I've heard (after I went thru it) that validating them seems to be the quick temporary fix. Validating doesn't mean agreeing with them and playing along. I couldn't do that either. Rather, it means saying something like, "I bet that would be a very hurtful situation for you. I couldn't imagine anyone doing that to you. Must be awful to have feelings like that."
G was the original "bottom line" person. He could always be counted on to make decisions under any circumstances and follow thru, but now he can't make basic decisions at all or if he does decide to do something it is usually some off the wall weird project that should NOT be done. Again, the yo-yo thing. He was always the nicest guy around, adored by patients and friends..killed that a few years ago, but is generally mellow around people now...no opinions, few comments....as long as the prozac has kicked in, that is.
Thanks for the advise. I am going to see if this helps. I too, cried a lot and I am afraid I did a lot of yelling and pouting. That was a total loss of time. The funny thing is that he was never jealous. We use to dance a lot and he always enjoyed someone asking me to dance. He always said it confirmed his good taste in marrying me. I know, some of you are thinking he just wanted to dance with someone else but that is not true. I always had to remind him to dance with our friends. He was a very good dancer and he like to dance with me. The other night in a momment of clarity he said he would like to take me dancing again with a good band. He does not want to leave the house now and has a lot of trouble walking. I'll bet he could still shuffle his feet in time to the music.
My husband's neurologist told us that Alzheimer's Disease doesn't really create new emotions/behavior, but exacerbates those that the person already has.......Re: my husband has always had a loud speaking voice......now, we all need earplugs. He also tends to become very emotional (crying) when he talks about our son.......
I don't know if any of this is true, as many people seem to really change in behavior, but it is a thought...
I'm going to say yes, what was there before gets exaggerated. But with a warning that it isn't the whole truth.
In my husband's case the things that drove me mildly nuts before dementia got worse. He always thought he knew more than anyone else about anyone else's business, but especially mine. I've washed the dishes for 48 years, but he knew how to do it better than I did. Etc. And that goes for just about anything else that I, or anyone else for that matter, did. With dementia we ended up doing things HIS WAY, which mostly was the crazy way. Drove me nuts. In a few cases I managed to get things changed. In others we are still doing things the crazy way.
But his personality did not change. He didn't go from kind and gentle to abusive. There was always an underlying feeling of his being a "dangerous" person to cross, and the one time we did have violence it got expanded and really became dangerous. He also did not become a "teddy bear".
So I think the answer is Yes and No. It kind of depends. And remember that this is not one disease. This is a group of diseases, and some of them work differently from classic Alzheimer's.
I agree with Sunshyne's comment about what part of the brain is affected.
There is more to that. As they lose the inhibitions, we may see what we think of as a change in personality but it may have always been there just handled by how they chose to treat things. My husband hated abusers of wives, children and animals. He always thought that they should be taken out and shot. As his disease worsened, he became an abuser. He always had a temper but as the disease took hold of him he became much worse. I don't think he really changed but he did lose the control that he had before the disease.
A different example is of the woman with AD who suddenly starts patting men who were fixing things around the house on their behinds. She had always been very prim and proper so this action seemed out of character. It might have been but it could also be she had always wanted to do that but chose not to.
Joan, where is this blog? I wanted to reread it, but can't find it in the blog list?
The reason I remembered the blog is that a few days ago, while shredding old documents, I ran across some medical reports of my husband's from years ago (the 1980's). They were from the Cooper Clinic in Texas--he had traveled there a few times for a complete physical, including a psychological profile. The psych profile was fascinating to read now, post AD dx. He scored very positively in the total well-being, relaxed vs. tense, cheerful vs. depressed and stress management areas. However, in the behavior pattern category, he tested as a definite type A--aggression, hostility, competetiveness. Interesting that the aggression and hostility never surfaced, to my knowledge, pre-AD. And even post-dx, no problems with me. Yet, the continuing battles he had at daycare--well, now it's no surprise!
I definitely goofed up on that one. I didn't archive it in the previous blog section. I just did it. It is #344 in the previous blog section now. Thanks for letting me know.