DH has been doing better and I could leave him for a hour and a half ocasionally but this morning the "angry monster" reared its ugly head. I was getting ready to go to my Ladies meeting this morning and DH angrily said I was not going, I had been going every day this week...blah...blah. Not true except for taking him to Pt and McDonalds.
If I was going anyway, he wouldn't be here when I got back. I asked him where he was going...no answer but he then started looking for the truck keys (which I had hidden). I told him he was not allowed to drive, no license, no Insurance, and son in law was taking him to lunch and do some errands. Son in law was not coming until 10:30 but I called him and had him come on over. I could not leave him here by himself. Son in law said after I left he told him we had been married 45 years and he still didn't understand how I could make him quit driving. Son in law can calm him so he talked with him and then he said things were fine.
He didn't completely forget about it because he has been quiet the rest of the day. You can just tell he is simmering under the calm....He just wants me to be with him ALL THE TIME just like Velcro.
I totally undetstand "velcro". that will get on your nerves in a minute. He has been clinging since DX. He has a fit any time I leave and pouts. Confining to say the least.
you have become very much a huge portion of his comfort zone and we all know how any small change in habitat or 'scenery' (thats you imohr:) can send them off on a tangent. mine is also attached by the umbilical.. divvi
My DH not only goes where I go...nearly every minute of the day, but tries to stand by my chair (like a child at the parents shoulder) and is offended when I ask him to move (after about 10 mpnutes) and will go to a chair and sit on the very edge like he is about to get up. He can chatter not stop ...so keeping up with a TV show is out of the question...AND ...I can multi-task. He can only follow the simplest shows.
Velcro..yep..I have called it the siamese twin effect..same difference. Space..that's all I ask for occasionaly, but it is hard and very hard for him to grant. He hates what is happening and hates that he isn't able to DO anything productive. I so wish he liked to watch TV, but that is a trigger for him if there are commercials that I don't mute immediately. Whoa...tantrum time if I'm trying to do something else and that mute button doesn't get pressed. He can't use it as he always screws the TV up. I even put a dot of nail polish on either side of the mute button, but he hasn't tried to use it since the last mess. I got his old gun shooting ear plugs out so he wouldn't hear the TV, but he says they don't help. Damn, but I won't give up everything...I still watch some shows and bear the brunt of the fury. Whine time..sorry.
Kathi37, why don't you go to Walmart and get him a set of earphones? They have some that don't let in any sound and fit over the ears. I know he won't want an IPod to listen to music (or maybe he would like soft music, I don't know), but either way, you can't hear with the big earphones on......
I'm in the Velcro stage myself. He is even willing to go to the library and the book store. I had a haircut today only because the lady barber at his barber shop had a female customer. He got a haircut and as soon as she was finished with her other lady customer, I got one too. She did a great job, but I've needed a haircut since before his last one and couldn't figure out how to get out and get one.
The funny thing is that he still occasionally goes out for long walks. If I can figure out something I sometimes get out in the car and do an errand, but since it is no longer every day, some of the times I can't get out when he does. In his mind it is OK for him to go out, but not for me to. And he really does not like it if I go out WHILE he is out.
my LO can't wait for me to go outside,the basement anywhere so she can get into trouble,a magician would marvel at the things she can do in such short order,still havn't found all the spare keys that dissapeared last week an everything that was in filing cabinet for years has vanished,but of course she desn't know where anything went
ol Don, i know exactly what you mean about magician. its quite amazing how fast they can disappear or get into something. i call my DH houdini alot.:) just this week, lets see....the worst was he actually sat on the couch with my NEW tv remote and with his FORK from breakfast, just poked out about half of the buttons for the numbers of channels! i was shocked and so PO'd..it took all of about 15min while i was doing the dishes..he has countless toy remotes that do stuff he knows which ones he wants to mess with. on top of that one, he goes behind me and tears up the made bed no matter how mny times i make it...always something. have to watch him like a hawk and then some:) divvi
Starling, my DH and myself go to the same hairdresser. In our area most of the men go to the salons for their haircuts. We have a standing 3 week apointment for both of us. You might try that. I realize my hair needs cut more than the average person's but you can adjust your apointments accordingly maybe every other time your husband needs one.
I don't understand it. It is so much more that confusion. Seems like destruction. A toddler, though sometimes destructive, has a reason This seems like meaness. How can they not know how to use the toilet but are able to cause so much havoc.
oh, my DH tells me he doesnt want to use the toilet...ie " if i dont want to go in there i wont!"..then proceeds to pee anywhere he wants...usually now since i stalk him all the time i can catch him now before it actually happens and get the plastic garbage can first or redirect to bathroom...i know, i am believing more and more that they can be just plain ornery and obstinate and do know MUCH more than what we credit them with. divvi
divvi, I just figured your husband out.......it's the attorney in him getting back at the "other side" (you) - each action is a "case" and he is so good he is determined to win at any cost......but he doesn't know his divvi is more stubborn than he is! <grin>
Red thats was attracts us:) you are sooooo very correct in your analysis. its the obstinate atty in him NEVER went away..he thinks he will win...:) is it any wonder he likes to carry a briefcase around the house?? awww..
I like "Velcro Spouse". I also have accepted that I am a human security blanket. As long as I'm here, he knows he's okay. He can go to the store with our helper--I'm here safe and sound. Confining? You bet.
I like the Velcro Spouse too. I think we are attached at the hip. At least he doesn't follow me upstairs to use the computer. He has a laptop and plays his games most all afternoons - my "free" time - just as long as I don't leave the house!
Ok, now that we have determined that what they are doing is Velcro.................................. Someone please tell me when the Velcro stops? It's freaking me out. Standing over my shoulder is an issue I have, it's a space thing. And lately he's in my space all 2 inches of it. If he would just sit in the room I would be fine, but it's like hes gotta be on top of me. Does this stop or go on to the next weird thing. Or is this a forever thing? Rk
Rk, it will stop. The when depends on how fast he goes downhill. My husband has had a rapid decline, so it lasted a little over a year for me. As long as he can see me (kitchen, den, dining room) he stays put. If I tell him where I'm going (bathroom or to change clothes), he stays put for 15 minutes. Of course, I bought a 46" Samsung HDTV and home entertainment center and have his chair in front of it and have bought 200 of his favorite movies, but that is beside the point. <GRIN>
He will sit and watch movies and not worry me while I'm on my laptop, nor on the phone, nor when I go to the bathroom. After so long of having a shadow inside the house, I can tell you it's nice not to have one. He does walk behind me when we go shopping though, if he is not holding my hand, but that is a good thing.
Mine finally quit too after many yrs. about late 6ish stage. this jan after i took him off all AD meds which strikes me as strange but true. hes been relaxed and easy to manage for almost a yr now. like mary i can now go take my bath and go into the other room and he stays put but does still pace now and then. its a good thing:) your day will come at some point. its getting there that is hard! divvi
Oh geeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, a year or so? It only really started in Oct after my trip for my 30th class reunion. Kind of eased up for a month or so, but he's Back! I guess I will have to pray for patience. I truly try to just go with the flow, after I adjust to the next weird behavior. But this one may put me under. It's just creepy having someone within inches of you 90% of the day. It never fails I get in the shower and here he comes to ask me this or that, and ends up hanging around the bathroom till I finally shut the door cause fortunately the door has to be closed to open the linen closet. The computer................................ if I am on it, he's near by. I actually have to sneak here when he's resting. OH I can tell this is going to be fun! Rk
RK i had to just put a chair in bathroom with some treats for him to eat while sitting there 3ft with me. its quite unnerviing yes but you will get used to it eventually:) i remember turning around just anywhere suddenly and i would bump into him thats how close he shadowed. ugh were those freaky times. they do end at some point but each moves differently as you know. make the best of it and try to remember hes looking to you as 'the human safety blanket' now..its not his fault and its comforting to see you at all times. i know i can jabber all day how its not his fault etc..it doesnt make it any less creepier...:)))) most of us have had to go thru it too if THATS any comfort..Divvi
Today's blog (1/15/09) is about the Velcro Spouse - thank you Imohr for coming up with that name. The blog gives reasons for the behavior and some resources to read. I have a friend who is going through this, so I understand how difficult it can be. Even when we're all together as couples, and the guys are looking out for her husband, he refuses to be in a different room from her, unless he can see her. It's driving her to the brink. A couple of weeks ago, we ladies took her out to lunch, and left her husband with the guys. We returned 2 1/2 hours later, and he was extremely angry. As soon as we came in the door, he ran to us - "What did you do with my wife? Where is my wife?" He calmed down when he saw her, but he was still angry. And my husband, who is not in this stage, said to me, "Where have you been? You said you were going to lunch. Lunch doesn't take 2 1/2 hours."
We went through this. At one point, we were at a friend's birthday party at a resturant and he followed me into the ladies' room. Fortunately, noone else was using it at the time. I was so shocked. Later after thinking about it, he was feeling insecure and needed to be able to touch and see me. It was a new place, I had a hard time finding it and he was nervous.
Today, I still can't go the bathroom by myself. He is long past that and in a facility but the dogs and cats make up for his being gone in this respect. <grin>
Joan unfortunately, the shadowing is one of the more intolerant issues they phase thru. words like 'clingy, attached at umbilical, stuck at the hip, velcro, all describe it perfectly. the constant excessive neediness to see and be close to the person who is their caregiver is one that, when it happens to you, makes you truly challenge your own sanity. i even got to the point of claustrophobic him breathing down my neck and standing in my way every second of the day. even at nite, he'd touch my arm to know when i left the bed. the last time i had someone so continuously close to my person was well- i was pregnant! and i dont think any of us found a real deterrant to this problem, but just suffered thru it. Divvi
divvi, our bathroom isn't that big............... LOL I don't know, like I said it's only just began and usually I can adjust after a short time, but I don't know if I can get use to the shadow. Thankfully my Dh hasn't gotten mad or angry, and truthfully he's a really mellow guy and hopefully it will stay that way, cause I know anger issues can come up. His Dad didn't do the velcro thing, so I hadn't seen this phase before. Heard about it, but didn't realize it was like it is. I think the turning around and there he is, or him getting right by me and I am trying to put say groceries away, and he's standing in front of the cabinet etc.............. makes me the craziest. Oh please God give me patience! Rk
Oh boy...my favorite subject. I can't open a door that he isn't standing just on the other side directly in my path...in the kitchen which I used to think of as large, he's always standing right in front of me..remember he is 6"6" tall! takes a lot of space..drives me NUTS! He hasn't done the bathroom thing yet, and all of our bathrooms have "potty stalls", so there ain't no room!! Of course, my pup doesn't agree with that, but she at least just checks in and then leaves. ARG! I can't go on or I won't stop.
Funny, I hadn't really realized we were at this stage until this past weekend. He holds my hand, but not like a man, like a kid, holding his mommy's hand. We went to the VA on Friday, and I had bought some things at the Px, and wanted to bring them to the car before our appointment, and he didn't want me to go alone. Finally I physically sat him down near the door (it was very cold that day and I really didn't want him out) and I really had to rush back. When he saw me come through the Xray (it's like an airport to get in) he jumped up and was on me before I grabbed my handbag. But the handholding is so weird, it's entirely different from an man and a woman's hand holding. And if I go to the store, he's pacing when I get back. Unfortunately, where we live is a trip no matter what store i go to. And if I could get him dressed and out of the house, i'd take him, but that's just about impossible most of the time
Chris r, my guess is that you will, soon, have to take DH with you to the store. That's what happened to me. I used to feel OK about leaving my DH for a little while, but he got into so much trouble. He would be so agitated and angry when I returned. It got to be more work to leave him home than to take him with me. Now Velcro Boy is with me all the time. It's CREEPY......especially in the shower. He is like a stalker! In the kitchen, he watches my every move and makes incoherent coments on preparation of meals. I turn around and bump into him! NUTS. "Go sit down" doesn't work. Neither does "Do you want to watch a movie while I make dinner?" He just stays put and says he can do what he wants, it's his house, too. MMMMMMMMMM
OK, we aren't really at the velcro stage. He does want to be in the same room, but I'm not bumping into him. The worst time of day for me is cleaning up after supper. I would really rather he didn't "help" and most of the time he doesn't, but he is THERE getting in the way. Showers and the bathroom are not yet a problem.
However, I have not been out of the house since Christmas without him. That part of the velco stage is part of my life.
In the kitchen you can set them to a few tasks that they can do SITTING IN THEIR CHAIR. Nowadays you can buy the bagged lettuce that you don't have to wash or tear up. I have him (under my eye but not under my feet) fill up the salad bowls and eat his salad. Started that he'd put dressing on, toss, portion out. We're now down to his putting his salad in his bowl and me putting the dressing on (so that the whole bottle doesn't go on at once), and him eating it while I work. He will sit still if the evening news is on, but that doesn't start until five...
Be grateful he eats. I'm having a heck of a time getting food into my DH. He used to have a ravenous appitite but no longer. ensure plus in the AM with ice cream and a frozen fruit, maybe coffee cade. then nothing until dinner. I'm starving.
I have the same issues as many of you. If I am cleaning the bathroom, he comes to check on me. One thing that bothers me is his walking behind me. I am never sure which side he is walking on. When I try to take his hand, he does not like it, says he does not want to be dragged.
We have had this velcro situation going on for years now. It seems to me it was worse before, maybe I have just gotten used to it. One of the best things I did was have wireless internet put in and got a laptop; now I don't have to use the computer in the home office but can be where he is and use the laptop. As I write we are in the family room with the TV on. Sometimes he asks what I'm writing, but he's ok because he can see me.
Geez, I was going to whine a little today, but after reading this thread, I feel spectacular. BTW, I did get the job I went on 3 interviews for. Start Feb. 9th. I feel so fortunate to get a job in this economy. the competition is fierce. They have been interviewing for this position since beginning Nov.
So, I'll just end in gratitude that I'm not in Velcro Hell.
Congratulations, Kitty! I asked on another thread when you started work, but i see now that you wouldn't be able to go on the cruise with us to the warm weather....What kind of job is it?
I get so mad at History International. So many of the cable channels have women-things in the daytime, or kid shows, and my husband - and I suspect others - has an allergy to women's voices, or screaming, Price is Right type. My husband also doesn't like violence so the cop shows are out. History International violence is fine with him, but in the middle of the afternoon, 2pm here, they have Biography. And it's inevitably the biography is of some Celebrity, Jude Law or Britney Spears.. whatever.. which I would think has a totally different audience from the ones they have for the rest of their shows! So then he gets up and wanders and at 3 pm goes and waits in the kitchen until dinner. I've given up on trying to persuade him that it's not for hours!
Velcro....Oh, yes I could write a book on that subject. He follows me around all the time. It would be great if he would watch a movie or TV but he cannot follow the plots anymore. This is a man who loved football For sixty years we attended the Alabama Crimson Tide footballs games. He graduated from college there and we went to the games until we got to old to drive in that game day traffic. This year he couldn't understand what was going on so he would get up and leave the room. The Super Bowl is on and he is showing no interest. That breaks my heart. During halftime he ask me who was performing and I told him Bruce S. and he wanted to know if he was eating with us. Can it be that he thinks people on TV are sitting in our den? I can be on this site reading and he is sitting here watching but does not realize this is an alz. site. He thinks he only has a memory problem and has never ask any questions about what is happening to him. We had a sister in law who had Alz and we visited often before she died but he does not make any connection. He was never comfortable talking about anyone being sick and would not want to know about his condition. Got to go....my toddler wants some gum.