This was written by Mary75 under a different topic - I have removed it from there, and given it its own topic. joang
Comment Author mary75 Comment Time 10 minutes ago
This is way off any Alzheimer's topic, but it is part of my life. My brother Steve died on Monday. He was 84 and had choked on a muffin, gone into cardiac arrest, was resuscitated, but the brain had been without oxygen for too long, and he never fully regained consciousness. It's my entry in his Memorial Book.
Back in the Depression, when I was 6, one of my grade one classmates came to my birthday party. After looking around our house and obviously finding it less ostentatious than his own, he said, "I didn't know you were poor." I'm not poor!" I said. "I have two brothers." The two brothers increased to four, and I still consider myself the luckiest and richest of people. Steve brought home my first library books, taught me how to ride a bike and, later, how to dance. And so it went for the rest of my life, with Steve out ahead, guiding me. Steve was the kind of older brother that everyone should have, and I will always be grateful.
Mary, I am so sorry about your brother, but just remember his has gone to lead the way for you again. A good brother like that will surely be waiting for you in heaven...Ann
I've been through the loss of my Dad, long ago, and my step-Dad a few years ago, and my sister in 2007. I got my DH through the loss of his Mom some years ago, when we were only dealing with his learning disabilities and mental illness. But this weekend one of his sisters passed away. They family is very disfunctional and for the most part clueless about his VaD. I've tried in vain to change that but my focus has to be on him. I can't spend gobs of time trying to educate their closed minds. I've already started trouble shooting ideas for various aspects of the funeral activities. Will he want to go to the viewing(s), the funeral, the gathering afterward? How will we get there and home again? Are there any who might help? What about the weather? And I still have to keep everything else going normally. I've handled worse case scenarios already but this one has caught me short. I really need a hug.
carosi - sorry about the death in your family. My Mother passed last May and she had lived with us 10 years. It upset DH routine and he was worse for about 3 months and I think it was because of her death.
I don't remember the stage your DH is in but it sometimes does present a problem. We took him to visitation and he sat in back with one of the son-in-laws. We took him to the funeral and he again sat on the back by the wall with a son-in-law. He doesn't talk much, hearing is bad, and he is hard to understand. We did not take him to the cemetary, son in law again took over and went home with him. We had a luncheon at our home following the service for a few family. I am from a very small family still living and DH family live over 100 miles away and did not come. His sister in law died a couple months ago and we did not attempt to go to the funeral. It was 100 miles away. I sent flowers and a memorial writing on the Funeral Home on line condolence page.
I am an only child and have no experience with large families with lots of criticism, but I am sure some others here do. Lots of (hugs)
Mary75 - I send you love as you remember the close and good brother you lost. My brother dropped dead when he was 46. I always thought we would have time when we were older to talk and review our life as siblings. One never knows how long any one will be with us, which makes it even more important to love those close to us while they are here. It sounds as if you have wonderful memories. Your grief is natural with so many good memories of your brother.
Yes, Ann, you did say it beautifully. Thanks. I thought of your words many times through the night. The last e-mail my brother sent me said, and it was a tag-on line, "Don't forget, I'm always in your corner."
DH knows she's gone. He knows I'm getting the schedule for the visitations and funeral and we'll do what we can, weather permitting.
I don't tell him I won't be letting other family members take him to any of it. I won't because they don't "get" VaD. They're going to want to connect with others, visit, socialize. He will connect with one or two and then he'll want to/ need to leave. From past history, I know his wishes will be pushed aside--in some cases he would even be pushed to interact more. He can't do it, and he shouldn't be trapped into it. All that will do is create more problems.
Never thought I'd wish for our bad weather to get really bad, but it would provide an excellent out.
My cousin died on Christmas eve. I found out when I called to wish them Merry Christmas. The service will be later this month in New Jersey. I already told the family that there is no way DW and I can get there. I hope they understand.
Marsh, they should understand. I took my husband to my aunt's funeral over a year ago. He sat in a chair in the living room and watched everyone visit and catch up and remember the good times, and he said nothing (the aphysia); when I got up to go to the funeral home next door to my aunt's home (very small town! - and until the two years before she died, she was the greeter there), he followed about 15 feet behind me. He didn't walk beside me at that stage, but chose to walk behind me. I didn't explain that to anyone. I had told them he had Alzheimer's before we went to Texas for the service, so that they were aware of his condition. Today - I wouldn't dare take him to a funeral. And I would hope that they understand.
Thanks, Sunshyne and New Realm. Surprising how much it helps to have your words. I guess we've built up trust on this site and that matters - the warmth comes through.
Mary and Carosi, I'm so sorry for your loss. My DH lost his brother the first of December. I was dreading the funeral but he did fine. My daughter thinks he may forget that his brother is gone but I don't think he's that far along yet. He still remembers losing his other brother 3 years ago. The sad thing is that we never know what to expect with this disease.
Imohr If you don't keep a sense 0f humor you will not make it through this journey we are on. Years ago, my daughter worked at a local nursing home. She came home one day with a true story that made me want to cry. Now it is one of my favorite stories. They had two sisters in the same room and one of the sisters had to be taken to the hospital during the night and she died. The next morning my daughter had to tell the sister. The old lady cried for a minute and then said "that's enought of that, she wasn't my favorite sister anyway". It made me realize that as we get older we except death differently than we did when we were young.
A friend of mine just lost her mother yesterday to AD. She had been in the nursing home for three years. She is sad that she's lost her mother, and yet knows her mother is in a better place. She LOOKED like a load had been lifted off her shoulders. She thanked me for my sympathy, and said now she has to figure out what to do with her life. She's spent so much time in the nursing home after work and on weekends, plus handling her mothers finances, house, etc. that she's got to find her own direction.