My daughter, my FTD DH stepdaughter is planning to get married the Fall of 2009. I am trying to get a feel if he should or could attend or should I start to make other plans. We are inviting about 300 people so probably 220 will show. Has anyone been through this?
FTD, I remembered it being discussed over a year ago and found these...you can go to "search" and type in "weddings" and click on "comments" and there are a lot more.....
******************************************* CommentAuthorkay kay CommentTimeNov 19th 2007 I also tried for several years to help my DH remember certain dates, time, events, etc. We all just try to have them hang on to what they have left for as long as possible, but, when I realized it was more hurtful than helpful, that is when I just let it go and if I was asked 3 or 4 times the same thing, I just answered it. He is in the Stage now that he no longer communicates, so that part has now passed, but, I do miss very much hearing his voice.
In 10/2003, my daughter was getting married and wanted her step-dad to walk her down the aisle as he raised her from a baby. Well, during rehearsal, he could not remember the smallest sentences to say and a couple of our relatives just kept on drilling him. Finally, I saw the frustration in his eyes, my daughter looked at me, and knew it was time to take Pop for a walk. They walked and I took everyone aside and just nicely explained to them that he cannot remember, no matter how much we try, it is what it is and we cannot change it. All it becomes it very hurtful and frustrating to him and of course, I would not have that. The Wedding was beautiful and he did get to walk her down the aisle and had the biggest smile on his face. She quitely prompted him when he gave her away at the alter and then I walked up and led him back to his seat. We as a family have learned to compromise and deal with the expected very well.
******************************************************** CommentAuthorBettyhere CommentTimeNov 19th 2007 When our son married, I had an aide bring my husband to the wedding. My son & I walked down the aisle with his father, the three of us holding each others arms, a little untraditional, but that's what made us all feel good. Then I sat w/him thru the ceremony and he was fine. During the reception, the aide kept track of him as he wandered around so that I could mingle and from time to time he'd come back into the festivities. Fortunately the bride was more than willing to accept. Most people understood, or at least kept quiet, but it was important for us to all be together. Comprise, yes, and also a lesson in learning that you do what you have to do. So many niceties, traditions and things that have to be done a certain way just vanish in favor of getting on w/things.
************************************************ CommentAuthorSandi CommentTimeNov 19th 2007 This talk of weddings and the AD spouse reminds me of my daughter's wedding back in 1998. Everyone was seated in the church, mothers and grandmothers had been seated and we were waiting for my daughter and her dad to come down the aisle....As I turned to look, the doors to the church opened and I saw my husband heading down the stairs to the street and the wedding coordinator chasing him down....Oh my....what a day! He didn't have a clue, but he did walk her down the aisle and it must have made an impression on him because for the next few years he would ask her..."I walked you down the aisle, didn't I?" Heartbreaking.....
FTD, have you discussed this with your daughter? There is always a good chance that the festivities will be massively disrupted.
Ask her whether she really does (or does not) want him there ... and if she wants him there, whether she wants to try having him take part in the ceremony, or perhaps simply be present at the ceremony.
If they have been close, then she may want him there no matter what might happen. If they haven't been close, then she may be very upset if he acts up during the ceremony.
Also ... how strongly do YOU feel about having him there? Do you want a peaceful wedding that goes off without a hitch? Or do you want your husband by your side no matter what?
FTD: I have three points to make, two of which Sunshyne has already brought up. I have two daughters, no weddings on the horizon, but two graduations this year, one from high school and the other from college, so I've been working through similar issues in my mind. 1. What does your daughter want? Although it is not the same thing as a wedding, last spring my high school daughter who plays varsity softball announced she did not want her father coming to any more games. At first I was upset at her, but I asked my therapist what I should do and he said "her softball, her decision." My husband asked about the game schedule and I'm sure will do so this year, but we've managed to avoid any direct confrontation. 2. What do YOU want? My daughters both told me the graduation decisions were up to me, and after dealing with somewhat disruptive behavior recently in church---silly stuff nothing mean but still disruptive----I've decided that i would be exhausted taking him to the college graduation, which is out of town, even with help, so he'll stay home. We agreed to decide about the local high school closer to the time. One thing I realized which is different than your daughter's wedding is that a graduation is about lots of people, not just our family. 3. Finally, fall 2009 is a long way away in FTD/AD time. My husband and I had a perfectly delightful trip to Paris in August, we came home and I signed us up for the cruise, and then the next two trips in Sept. and Oct. were such disasters that i cancelled our cruise reservations and may never fly with him again unless it's an emergency. So whatever you decide, you may need to rethink as things change, which they will!
Whatever you decide I hope you get lots of support from family and friends!!!!!
Okay I guess I will have to play it by ear. My daughter biological father is in her life and he will be walking her down the aisle, so that's taken care of. I know my husband is very clingy to me and just on Sunday I took him along with my teenage daughter to church and since I needed to speak to a couple of people after church . I told them both to go out and I will be there in about 5 minutes, my hubby didn't understand what I was saying, I told him to follow my daughter to the car. My daughter told me later she told him several times to come on mom said for us to go to the car.....when I got outside of course my daughter is sitting in the car, he is outside the car walking in the direction of two guys that were at the church. I think if I decide he will attend the wedding I will have to have someone take him home before the reception starts and care for him at home.The ceremony will probably last about 45min. of course it will be a 5 1/2 hour event. One of his coworker/friend ask to take him to breakfast today, he now knows of his diagnoses and I will let drop him off to the restaurant and his friend will bring him back. I will definitely check with him to see how he makes out without me being around. Whe my hubby's kids came to visit last week at the house he is clingy to me even in the house, I don't know if he is just comfortable with me only or is it he doesn't want to slip up and the ones around will notice such decline since he doesn't seem them often at all.
I am four months away from the wedding, and my husband keeps asking me when is the date.....I haven't told him because I am not sure I will have him attend. Yesterday I took him grocery shopping with me to a store that he used to be quite familiar with he kept stating when we were in there "this place is so big this placeis so big" I could see he was uncomfortable so I said let me grab a few things and we can go. Once we got in line he said he wanted cookies and I said right behind you is aisle 5 with the cookies there he looked and started walking to aisle 4 after repeating it 4 times go to the right to aisle 5 he comes back with peanuts. Of course the cashier was looking at me as if to say "what is wrong" because of him being so young it seems to look to people that was a bad car accident/ brain injury. Is this a way I should be able to tell that he won't do well, or do I continue to take him out more frequently to really see how he does? i did have a agency come to the house last week checking on getting someone to come here now so he can get used to someone being with him maybe while the wedding is going on. I GUESS MY BIG QUESTION IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE FINDS OUT MY DAUGHTER IS MARRIED AND HE WASN'T THERE OR SHOULD WE NOT DISCUSS IT
if you dont think he can do the wedding comfortably can you hire a sitter (for home if the wedding is close, or at a hotel where the wedding is close? our wedding were in large hotel chains so made rooms easy to have on standby. you may want to have him attend only an hr or so to make an 'entry' for the bride and then have a sitter with him to attend his needs. large crowds get on their nerves ASAP! think ahead and be prepared or it will ruin the event for you if DH is upset and ansy. someone who can wisk him away to a quiet place where he can rest. good food and movies etc to entertain him while you are at the wedding. stay in touch by cell. it should work if you plan now. i would get someone now so he is accustomed to them. divvi
FTD here is my only experience. My husbands developmentally disabled (mentally and physically) niece married an equally disabled gentleman. Their well meaning friends put together a beautiful traditional wedding for them. His mother is late stage ALZ. His sister insisted that the AD mom be there on the front row. Well sir when the minister started the vows and ceremony, the AD mom start cursing and yelling at them. THe sister tried to quite her, the minister was very embarassed, turned red, sweating the whole works. The children in attendance started crying, the groom turned around and yelled "shut up just shut up will ya?" So needless to say they will forever be reminded of this everytime they watch the video. The mom should have been left home with the sitter, she does not have any idea that they are married.
You will have to decide yourself about how your dh would react. My dh would sleep through everything or else question me about things, want to go to the bathroom or act about the same as a 3 yr old away from home. If I took him I would be on pins and needles the whole time and not enjoy myself, but he is "with it" enough to think he would want to go. Not sure how I would handle it. Big problem.
lmohr, you make a good point. I liked the post where an aide was brought in..to be solely responsible for Dad. If he knows the aide (it could be a family member) he'll be comfortable and you can enjoy the day. I use Lois' comparison all the time, it's EXACTLY like taking a 3 year old. My DH always wants to go to the bathroom no matter where we are...just as my children did when they were little. Go to the bathroom translates to 'get out of here'.
Dear FTD - daughter also planning a wedding on New Years eve 2009. Still aways, but she lives 350 miles away, visits when she can but DH no longer remembers her as his daughter. If he makes it to that date, we will definitely have caregiver at all times. Not sure about "wheeling" him down the aisle but at least have him there for few mins. I dont think he will be able to sit through mass. For reception, like Divvi we will have in walk in with family but walk right back out back up to the Hotel Room. He will not be able to cope with 200 people much less all the noise from New Years. I plan on asking the caregiver to spend the night along with us.
Thanks everyone for your advice on this. As far as just taking him to the ceremony wouldn't be a bad idea it would be for 1 hour, my problem about sitting him on the front row is a little scary for me, because now when we attend church services on Sunday we always sit at the back of the church on the last row.....the wedding ceremony will not be held at the church but at a different location. I guess I will just prepare to have someone here at the house and see if my daughter can take photos along with her husband later all dressed up. I think that is what I want the most is the memories and pictures. I am sure I will get the 20 questions where is he on thatg day since noone knows except my immediate family what his condition is....he has a lot of pride and does not want anyone looking at him as handicap as he puts it. When he had the seizure over a month a go my mother told the whole church congregation because she is the first lady and everytime I step foot near any of the members they are question me about the hospital /seizure/plane experience. My fear is if they ask shim about it he will be so upset with me I don't even want to think about it.
FTD you are already getting stressed out worrying about this and I don't blame you. Enter "seizure". Wow. A big unknown. You definitely don't want things focused on your husband instead of your daughter. Have you thought about having a caregiver sit with him on the back seat? At my Mother's funeral, son in law kept my husband on the back seat.
Everyone will eventually know. Each time I'd tell someone, (or a family member shares the info) insist they not make a big deal about it and respect your husband's pride and dignity by not discussing it with him. That worked in our case. The children, of course, know and DO talk about it, in a different way. But frankly, none of us have EVER just sat down and asked, "Well, how's the ole Alzheimer's coming along????"............... of course not!
Once those who should know, do, the easier it will be for everyone. Stress the importance of respecting his pride and dignity, and I am sure they will.
My daughter moved here wedding date up to July 18th, 2009 so that her "stepdad" my DH can give her away. We plan to have a friend take him home after the dinner and their special father/daughter dance.