You can download Susi Orman's latest book, from Ophra's site, for FREE until Jan. 15, on financial do's and don'ts for 2009. I downloaded and saved it in my documents to refer to later. Thanks briegull.
Maybe someone can help me with this question....My husband has everything in his name (and writes all the bills) --He's in stage 3....still able to do things and a control freak. What do you suggest I do....should I contact an attorney that deals in elder law? And if so because my husband pays the bills he'd be livid with me. Any ideas would be appreciated. thanks
Lullie, are you new here? seems so! welcome and sorry you have been thrown into the black abyss of Alz. disease..there is a wealth of information on the home page as well. this is the message pages and we discuss anything and everything possible dealing with spousal care of AD. give us some info about you and your spouse if you feel up to it, many here will be along soon to give you a warm welcome..Divvi
Hi Lullie--Glad you found this website--I'm new here myself--it is a wonderful sounce of information. I was in a similar situation because my husband was a CPA and took care of our finances. I found it helpful to talk to the elder law attorney(s) and an accountant without him knowing about it at first. Then, when we had determined a course of action, I brought him into the picture (gently) on a limited basis. He wasn't a control freak, but suggesting someone else do the taxes hit a raw nerve!!!!!!!! One suggestion, learn as much about your finances from him as you can, while he is able to tell you. If you wait too long, you will feel like a private detective having to search out information. It's important for you to get involved asap, because he may not be keeping up with important things as well as he used to.
Thank you Marilyn, I am unemployed and he receives a pension and s.s. ( I am too young for s.s.)---so all the money is his. He no longer gives me an "allowance"--lol....I am scared to death he will forget to pay my health insurance and I would be out in the cold. I have suggested we sit down and do the bills together but then he forgets. Funny he rememebers selectly. I will be joining a local support group and to talk an elder law attroney too. I don't know how quickly the disease progresses from one stage to the next either. And yes.....taxes...he will be doing our taxes this year....I suggest someone to do the taxes to and it hit a "raw nerve". So many things we spouse all have in common!
Divvi, Thank you for your support. Yes, I was lucky to find this web page. What a blessing to have a site as this is. Yes, I am in the black abyss of Alz Lullie
Lullie, dont know what state if its a community state as far as finances but if you do half of your estate is yours. as far as taxes at this point if he insists doing it, cross your fingers it doesnt get kicked back by IRS for obvious mistakes..if it does well then you have excuse for others to do it from now on..in the meantime yes get appt with elder laww atty to see how best to proceed in your particular case/state. each state laws are different so best to see on a personal appt. is your spouse on AD meds yet? and has an official diagnosis of AD by a dr? you should get durable power of atty for financial AND healthcare now. he has to sign off on both. dont wait AD has no particular time frame and some slip faster than others. there is alot of info as others said on the homepage for newcomers here. read as much as possible and you will acquire much knowledge here.. my best, Divvi
Hey Divvi, I appreciate your time! Yes, he's done the taxes in the past (b-4 it was "offically" AD) but I know. Yes, he's now on Aricept. He's was stubborn before the disease so I am sure this will magnify more with the AD. Thankfully he can still do most tasks, but I need to become more independent and quickly!
Lulie, I have walked many miles in your shoes. My DH, also a CPA, did not want to part with control of our fiances. We had always discussed our money and investments...but he was stage 4 and still holding on tight. After many tears and arguments I told him I had to take over the bill paying etc for us to be safe, and for me to take care of him in the future. I used this time to bring up other things that we needed to have ready for me to take care of him. He is a great guy and finally agreed...but....for a year he tried to take it back and will still put bills etc as they come in the mail, on his desk...and not my desk. You also need to know the finances so you can be aware of investments and saving that will help take care of him. Ann
Lullie, you'll have to sign the taxes, right? Can you line up some friend/cpa/whatever/ who can look them over with you and delay signing them for a day and sneak them off to him or her to check out? or even just get a copy of them so you'll know what you're signing?
One of the things you haven't been told here yet today is that lying, fibbing, dissembling - these are all okay if you are dealing with someone with dementia. They're very necessary. Sometimes it's simply agreeing with their fables - yes, that was Paul Newman walking down the street this morning wearing pajamas (in the snow). Sometimes it's doing things you need to do that they wouldn't want you to do. Sometimes it's by omission: not telling them the doctor said AZ. And sometimes it's, for instance, submitting their info on line yourself. But we all have to do it.
I hate to see you going off for three weeks and leaving him with finances without your knowing what he's up to. Do you have a joint bank account? Can you sneak some money out into a savings account that he can't get to? Does he have anyone who can talk to him about making you more independent? If he's said he wants to divorce you, ask how you are supposed to live? Quietly, not combatively.
Lullie - I agree with briegull on all of the above. I would be scared to leave for 3 weeks. Actually I couldn't my DH can't stay by himself for more than a couple hours. The money and Internet could have bad results. I opened up a couple accounts in my name only and move money into them. Of course, he doesn't see bank statements and I pay the bills and have our taxes done. I really don't know how you could do it with him getting the bank statements.
Briegull, Thanks for your input. I won't sign the taxes without looking them over. I really need to go off for 2 week and it wouldn't make any difference because I haven't a clue what he's up to...it's been like this since I married him almost 9 years ago. I have no idea what his assets are...we own in 3 properities but other than that I have nothing. I am not working ...I don't drawn s.s. (I am 61) so he gives me a little allowance (this is only for our groceries)--I have been looking for work for over 1 yr. but I am with little success ( I am applying for employment that is within my ability)--I live in a college community so work for the older people isn't impossible but not as likely. I have a small family (out of state) so that is why I am leaving for 3 weeks before they move to Europe for good. Briegull, frankly I would like to just book a one way ticket but that's not realist because I need his money....it's shameful. Lulli
Imor, I think b-4 I leave I will call my internet provider and have my service temporary interrupted---that way he will think it's the computer on the "fritz"...hey, girls I am catching on!!! :) Lul
Just one question. What would he do if he thinks the computer is on the "fritz"? Go buy another? Take that one in for repair? If you use a wireless connection, would he look for one of a neighbor that didn't have any security? Go the bank to check on the money? Worse case, think teenager with no brains........
I don't think he'd buy another computer because he's too frugal. He likes to play spider soltaire for hours (without internet)---I think he would just call me long distance and complain about how it's not working correctly. The bank...he has access to it because the "big" money is only in his name....( I am 2nd marriage and it has always thought it's HIS money)---which it is but it's his money for his care! Yes, at stage 3 or maybe earlier 4 he is a teenager and I am the mean old parent! Lul
Welcome Lullie! Have you been to the neurologist with him since he has been diagnosed? Most doctors will tell both of you that he is incapable of making the decisions (legal and financial) that he made prior to diagnosis. This is the time that some spouses "lose" all of their money; get in trouble with credit cards; do taxes wrong; all of a sudden frugal men go buy a new car or plan a trip; some start an internet affair and try to run off with the perpetrator who is trying to milk him of the money!!! You really need to take hold!! Can you take him with you on this trip to see your family? You might need their support long distance from overseas in a short period of time. You must protect your finances. You need to get him to the elder care attorney with you so that you both have durable powers of attorneys prepared and new wills - so you will know all properties and monies. Now is the time to get this done, before he doesn't have the memory of where his money and property are.
Yes I went to the neurologist with him last month when diagnosed ...she didn't say he was incapable just "mild cognitive" and give him Arcept. He will not go to attorney b-4 his disease was diagnosed (very frugal)---so I doubt he will go now his will is only a holographic will which was okay when we lived in AZ but we are living in MO now and it isn't. I have talked to him about this prior but he's the "boss"...thank you for your concern Mary....May God bless
Lullie, tell him that you BOTH need new wills since you are living in Missouri now. If you speak to the attorney prior to the visit, and tell him about the need for the DURABLE power of attorney, he will discuss it with your husband while he is drawing up the wills. It is important that the these are done "while he is of SOUND mind" so that should he have children, they won't fight the will after he passes.
Such good advice that everyone is giving you, Lullie! Wish I known about this site before I got into such deep financial trouble with a second husband who was at the same level of Alzheimer's. It's taken me a year to straighten it out: a 27,000.00 legal bill and stress. You need to move quickly and with the best legal advice you can get. I can't emphasis this enough.