TrishM: It appears that you have made a wise decision after a long time and a great deal of thought. I agree with your reasoning completely. In fact, I have already considered (shame on me) what I will do when I reach the stage where you are now. We know, for sure, that it is coming and I think that I will do the same thing that you are doing. In fact, there is a lady here that I have known for several years whose good husband is farther along than my wife is. I sometimes daydream (is that bad?) about how nice it would be to take her to dinner. She is a nice person and a lovely lady.
okay, anonymity here - twenty years ago.. omigod, is it that long? my husband had lost all interest. That was near the beginning of the strangeness and estrangement . I was 53. And there was someone, from abroad, whose wife was in an institution there. We had a close friendship, he went home, we visited several times over the years as I would go to Europe. I even met his wife (who was apparently briefly released). I never told my husband, he never asked, I never regretted it. Haven't heard from him in a couple of years, but that's okay. It was what I needed when I needed it.
Now, well, apart from occasional wild dreams, it's gone for me too..
Good for you!! It's such a sad journey that this illness takes us on. I would gladly trade places with my wife if it meant that my daughters could have their "old" mom back. But we all know that that is a pipe dream and that life MUST go on. Life really is for the living and we (the spouses) know how much of our lives we've sacrificed in taking care of our loved one. And this is really a different type of sacrifice than one encounters in caring for a LO with a physical (non-mental) illness. No matter how much we do, it's not enough; this illness is relentless. This isn't ancient Egypt, where the living were sacrificed to care for the dead in the afterlife.
Your decision is one that most of us under the age of 60 will one day have to make. It's good for all of us to hear how someone in our (general) situation handled that decision.
It is good to see that there are people (probably more than we know) that feel this way. The saddest things I see are people sitting around not enjoying life while their spouse is in a nursing home unaware of who they are or anyone else. They feel it is their obligation to be there everyday - if not they are being disloyal to their vows. I think fear of family criticism is a huge driving force behind a lot of the fear.
I definitely would not want my husband to sit around waiting for me to die. I don't mean have a new love in his life (but that would be for him to decide), but getting active doing the things he enjoys, that makes him happy. Get a life!!
2ndtimearound and Trish. Welcome to our little world.........
2ndtimearound, I see nothing wrong with you taking the nice lady to dinner now. Being a caregiver you know the stress of daily Ad life. I am sure both of you need a break from it. Enjoy!
Trish, I certainly don't blame you, try to at least enjoy a break from this AD world. Doesn't mean you have to or even want to get involved in a relationship, just means your living! Enjoy your Date.
Thank you all for your show of support. Briegull, such honesty, so refreshing! And yes- anonymity. With that I will say, I am not looking for a date- a dinner and a movie. I am talking about a relationship here. I wasn't sure how accepting you all would be so I played that down. The thing is we are very close. We met and formed a connection. Nothing more than a movies dinners and hugs goodnight. The feelings grew and he wanted more. I couldn't give it. I cared for him greatly but I wasn't ready. He moved away because it was too painful for him. But we remained close as friends by email and phone calls. He put my feelings first and above his own. That was a first for me! Now I find I am more than ready. He understands the relationship. He understands my love for my husband buried deep within that shell. He knows what I am offering and knows I will not neglect my husband. He wants no more than I can offer. Sounds like just the person my husband would have wished for me. Again, I have thought long and hard on this. I waited until I knew I would have no guilt. I wont flaunt it. Only my family will know. He is ok with that and I find I am too. I guess that is all that matters. Life is so short. I loved my husband!! But that husband is dead. As many widows do I am trying to move on with my life. The only difference is I am still married to a shell.
Trish, I don't think any one will judge. We all know what it's like. It sounds like you have a special guy who loves you and is willing to take this journey with you. Enjoy. Rk
2ndtimearound, I could have written the first paragraph of your thread myself, I am 68 and have always tried to set an example for my family and others and live up to the high standards I have set for myself. However we caregivers do go through some darn lonely times.
I am happy that you have found yourself a lady and hope that all works out well for both of you. I understand where you are coming from and know that both of you will have a great time on your date. This disease takes so much of our ADLO's life from them and from the caregivers and family. It affects so many lives and changes so many things.
Trish, you can say the unsayable here. You can say the unthinkable here. And you aren't the first person here who has made the decision you have made at the stage you made it. Truly, you are not alone.
I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's ( 1/28/09) blog, which relates to this topic. Especially for those of you who have joined this site within the last year - the letter in the blog was printed a year ago, but it is no less relevant today.
No, he did not. I only saw him once again after that initial meeting. I also spoke to "Mary", who said she anguished over their decision, but was also angry about other's who had not walked in her shoes, but were negatively judging her actions.
Thank you Joan for this blog. I had read the letter before, back when I first joined. I certainly understood his situation, I didn't judge him, and even wished him happiness....but I never saw myself choosing to live without Lynn, or while he is still "alive."
I have come to not only understand, but accept, that my husband is gone. I have been mourning him every single second of every single day for years and years. Once you reach the stage Lynn is in now, all hope is gone. There can be no hope for a new drug to save them. No hope for those moments when he "comes back to you" No hope for better days. It is all dire darkness just sucking your life force out of you. Keeping my head in the sand, pretending, holding onto false hopes were certainly easier than living with the hard cold facts.
I am in the process of trying to find a nursing home for Lynn. I leave crying. Some I will never place him in. Others, maybe. One I think I could. There is a long waiting list, possibly over a year. The doctors have upped his dose of seroquel so that I can keep him home without being abused. So far the increased dose is working. When he starts getting abusive again, as all the doctors assure me he will when he gets use to that dose, I am to up the dose again. What a life. The fairy tale ended years ago, I just didn't want to see it, or believe it. I have felt dead inside for so long I can't remember what it feels like to feel alive.
Nikki, i am glad to hear the dr upped lynns' dose of seroquel. iw as wondering that myself with all you have been posting about his aggressive behaviour. just up it as needed until you can find the place for him. with all your own health related issues on top of AD you need some definate 'me' time. hopefully a place will open up for him soon- i hope you find what makes you live again and be happy! my best, divvi
Many have written on other sites that their vows before God mean exactly that and they would consider it a sin to live otherwise. No one here has said that, but you may be lurking and your views are as valid as any other. For years I called myself a 'married widow.' I had 'offers' and took a tentative step or two, but they weren't the right people--or maybe I wasn't ready--but I wasn't really opposed if someone right came along. Immediately after my DH died, someone did come along. The cemetery is near our house. I'd go almost daily to my DH's grave, sit and cry, tell him how much I loved him, missed him, etc, then at some point, I'd dry my tears, tell DH I was going to meet 'X,' and by the time I'd driven back thru the gates, I was back in the real world and meeting 'X' as if I hadn't been sobbing out my broken heart only minutes before. Sometimes I wondered how that could happen, it wasn't anything I was consciously doing, it was just happening and, true, I did nothing to stop either activity, they just both seemed to exict naturally side-by-side and I just let it all be.
While my DH was still alive, I thought a lot about 'til death do us part' because I wondered what one was supposed to do when we were both still alive but the marriage had died. And the marriage was truly dead, existing only in the Hall of Records--and the clutch in my throat when I write that. But the results of our marriage are, thankfully, alive and well--our beloved children, g'children, in-laws, our home and all that we had achieved, but the marriage itself just didn't exist thru no fault of our own. We weren't widowed, divorced or separated, but married in name only. We couldn't even converse with each other except for an occasional lucid "I love you." That I would care for him protect and love him always was a given. We all have to live our own reality and I will never criticize anyone for whatever they do to get thru AD. If you haven't already, see the movie 'Away from Her.' Altho the genders were reversed, I identified strongly w/the husband. I was the one left alone out in the cold. He was me--he is us.
We must all travel this road in our own way and at our own pace (with a little help from our friends here). If some get a chance to take a little side trip and brighten their lives for an hour or two (or more), who are any of us to say they are wrong.
Gourdchipper,I imagine you as an Eagle scout with many merit badges,myself I believe my friends an I joined because we were tired of throwing snowballs at cars an tomatoes at little old men on bicycles an were looking for somehing more to brigthen our dull lives,that being said perhaps that is the reason I never read much of the BSA handbook an was unaware of the "majic" 5000 number,had my cohorts an I been aware we would surely have thought it a challenge an attempted to "put out the light" so to speak by at least graduation from high school,now as I approach my 72nd year(God willing)I realize that the light tho it burns just as bright you couldn't read War an Peace with it but it might be good for a short story or two,youth truly is wasted on the young
Bettyhere: Thank you for posting your feelings and beliefs inre the lonliness, etc. I agree with you completely and I fear that I didn't make myself clear on the above posting. I cannot, and will not, take another married woman (whose husband is sick) to dinner or anyplace else as long as my wife is alive. But, I think sometimes about doing that in the future when both of our circumstances are different. Just pleasant daydreaming. Hope that isn't wrong.
This memory frequently comes to mind. When she was about 30, my daughter commenting about her father in law's recent wedding "They went to Mexico on their honeymoon and did whatever people of their age did". She is 53 now and 3 years into her second wedding and the next time I get the opportunity I am going to remind her of that quote.
2ndtimearound, that is very honorable. And no! Of course it isn't wrong to hold onto a dream of a someday after this AD hell. Until a few months ago that is how I strongly felt as well. I take my vows very seriously... in sickness and in health.. till death do us part.
Wow Nikki-I so know what you are going through! I am 42 and have been in ALZ hell for approx. 5 years now. The last 3 of them have been completely devoid of sex or any other type of intimacy. He hugs me like a child, but that is it! After reading through this whole discussion, I do want to give you, and everyone, a strong word of caution. A couple of months ago, I happened to meet a man who actually was interested in me.(Amazing, since I feel like I am about 100yrs. old now) We got to know each other a bit by talking on the phone and occassionally meeting over coffee. I was very up-front about my status as a very married widow, and he was completely understanding. Being the weak human being that I am, I ended up sleeping with him, with the clear understanding on both our parts that it was just to meet a need, and nothing more. STUPID ME!!!!!! I thought that I could be with someone and remain unfeeling. Boy, was I wrong! I guess I didn't understand the incredible depth of my loneliness and emotional emptiness. I ended up REALLY liking this guy, so I did what I thought was right and cut all ties to him. Now I have a broken heart, on top of everything else I am dealing with. I am not saying that this will happen in every case. I just learned that for me, my needs right now are just too great to try and fend off. I have to remain shut off if I am going to survive this whole, painful journey. I did find out that I may actually have some hope of meeting someone wonderful in the future, once I am ready to handle it though. Just please, everyone, BE SO CAREFUL with your hearts and emotions! We are all made very fragile by the daily battle with ALZ. You may not even be aware of how deep your needs and emptiness go.
Awwwww ((Countrygirl)) I am so sorry to hear you had your heart broken. ((hugs)) If you don't mind, I wonder if I can ask a question? You can tell me it is none of my business!! But, curious minds want to know *wink. I am curious if you really cared for the man why would you end it? There is a lady on here, who has a steady boyfriend.. whom she plans to marry when her husbands AD hell is over.
Nikki-Truthfully, I broke things off because both of us went into this "thing" knowing that neither of us had room in our lives for a relationship right now. I suddenly wanted more and I didn't think it was fair to him to "change the rules" in the middle of the game. Plus, I really didn't want to get any deeper into the situation and get hurt any worse. This whole situation that we find ourselves in really SUCKS, doesn't it!?! I hope that you survive your situation and are able to someday find love again. I hope that for all of us here! Thanks for the hug too!! This site is the ONLY place that I have talked about what I did. I have told no one in my life about it and it has been killing me, carrying around this broken heart. But hey girl, on the up side-this guy was smokin' hot! 9years younger than me and a triathlete! Never in my wildest dreams did I think that a young hottie would be interested in me, an old, broken-down caregiver and mom of 2. Maybe I've still got it, somewhere. lol
Countrygirl, yes, you're right. The emotions and love are there, and the need is great. It's hard to make the decision that you know, intellectually, is the best one.
I had the opposite experience. I met a guy on a plane "plane guy" and it seemed we had so many interests in common. I ventured out to lunch with him. The minute I got home, there were emails from him (and he knew my story & knew I am married) saying "he came home lit candles, listened to "Ain't no Sunshine" and probably shouldn't, but missed my company. THEN I opened the next email & there were 3 photos of himself. Now, even if I were single, any guy who would send me photos of himself (like I can't remember what you look like from 10 minutes ago, hello?) I would have seen red flags. But how inappropriate is that to send to a married (widow.)
He still emails me, but I haven't responded to any. He has backpeddled to the point he asks how my husband and I are. I was tempted to email him & tell him that it was wrong to send the photos, but if he's that self unaware, why bother?
Point being, it can go both ways.
But sweetie, you have to feel good that a hot guy was interested! I am open to whatever the Universe sends my way for my highest good.
Thank-you Kitty, and I am sorry about your "weirdo encounter". Doesn't it make you wonder if there will be any truly normal men out there, when and if we are able to look for them?!? As the mom of 2 teenaged daughters, I worry about that every day for their sakes too. I think I am just going to stick to my dogs to meet my emotional needs from now on! :) They love me all the time, without reservations, and if they drive me nuts, I can lock them outside. PERFECT RELATIONSHIP!!!
You guys, check out "Dear Abby" today and see if you got the impression in the first letter that the father had AD long before his being housebound for a year and then had a fall and passed away. The children were upset because the mother found a new love before dad passed away and moved on in less than a year after dad passed away. I liked her advice. It shows that children do not understand that the spouses lose their mates a LONG time before the AD patient passes away.
Some of you may remember my story - of meeting Hank the week after my husband died. Yes, there are wonderful men out there among the others who aren't. When my stepson heard I was dating so soon he said, "it's too early, unless he is rich!" Of course, he was kidding, but later that day we went to Hank's wonderful home that looked down on the Pacific Ocean and I could see my stepson lighting up to have a new father figure in his life. And, as you know from my posting on this site I had a wonderful marriage even though we had to deal with Alzheimer's for almost half of that time. Love to all of you who are struggling...
"Doesn't it make you wonder if there will be any truly normal men out there, when and if we are able to look for them?!?"
countrygirl- Trust me, men think the same thing about women. We seem to be the sum total of our life experiences plus the occasional odd firing synapse. I'm not sure that we caregiving spouses are going to be very "normal" after this experience. I'm not too keen about the potential of becoming the caregiver to someone else ever again.
I am new to the boards, but, I think all of you are wise and wonderful. I to have not shared my feelings with anyone previously. In fact, there isn't anyone (including you all) that I could have this discussion with face to face, but, it sure feels good to be able to share with others.
My wife was only diagnosed a few months ago, but, looking back this disease started a long time ago and her lack of sexual feelings and pulling away started at that time.
It also helped me to realize again that we all have to go on this journey by ourselves (so to speak) in our own way and there is no way to express the feelings of lonliness.
I feel better because I feel like I have made some new friends.
DH was diagnosis MCI - for now. He is on Prozac and galantamine. He still has short term memory problems, but He now is happy, smiles and jokes with me some like he has always done with others and is touchy. Last night when he was touchy and wanted to smooch, I told him it was so strange to me. I had to shut down my emotional needs so many years ago (started 20 years ago) that this is all new to me and I don't know how to deal with. That I need time.
We did have an enjoyable day - we took off last Friday and came up to Elma where we have a membership in an RV park. Today was sunny so we drove out to the coast and walked along the beach in the sunshine. Then we came back and went to the clubhouse to shoot pool. We played 11 games: I let him win 6 games to 5!!! :-) We laughed a lot while playing and it felt so good. I wish I had pushed him to go for the anti-depressant earlier - I really believe that has a lot to do with the change. If he had gone on it back in 1985, who knows if things between us might have been happier and less stressful and intimacy might have stayed around.
OMG! Thank you all for making me laugh. I did not think that was possible to sit here and actually laugh out loud. As soon as I'm over the flu I heading to Target to look for a "personal massager"!
It has been years since my husband was able to get a hard enough erection for sex. Last night I decided to cuddle with him after we went to bed while watching 'Blue Hawaii'. I was shocked: He got an erection!!! I said something to him about it and he smiled saying: 'it is one of the side affects of the Prozac." He actually had read the literature that came with it -never has before that I know of. Buried in it is the warnings: 'changes in sexual ability' and 'rarely, males may have a painful or prolonged erection lasting 4 or more hours'. It didn't last that long but enough for us to try. Problem: we are so out of shape and practice we pooped out!!!! :-)
Since you ladies are "gettin down" on this subject imagine this: Your husband stands in front of you wearing depends his nose running into his mouth and he asks you for sex! Give me strength.
I don't have the depends yet, but the nose drip he does have. I can relate. Go to Target. I have 3 different ones, so experiment. Mine has gave up on the Sex issue.
Joan, I feel for you. Been there done that. There is a saying I think is fitting... it is hard to kiss the mouth that chewed your ass all day. *sigh. For this very reason, my "desire" died long before his ablility left him. Tragic. This whole damn disease is tragic :(
yes ladies, those imaginative pictures are enough to put a damper on the situation:) CS that image is priceless thank goodness they forget quickly,? nikki i loved that ass chewing part, so true. it just goes against mother nature to get turned on by depends:) yes mary sometimes short term means more than memory:)divvi
I love this site what a crack up!! just realised why my name is frustrated spouse, I had the oportunity to buy a personal massager a couple of years ago & didnt,but i am off to target soon to purchase one for sure :)