I am very concerned of how to deal with "No Sex" . My husband stage 5/ 58 years old diagnosed Feb. 2008, I being 42, it seems as if it has come to an end. He not only doesn't want to be intimate he doesn't even mentioned it. I will put on a movie on tv that obviously will show to people embracing each other and it doesn't even phase him. He tells me he loves me and I am the best thing that ever happened but he won't show it in hugging, kissing. etc. Can anything be done or should I just accept that the lovemaking/sex is over. The last time was about 2months ago and we probably had it maybe 5 times in the past year. Just trying to see how everyone out there is dealing with this.. I want to hear from the wives or husbands who still want it but it is just not happening in no kind of way.
FTD, I'm am now 48 with an older spouse. DH is a solid stage 6 now. Be aware, if you haven't heard this already there is often a stage where dementia patients become "hypersexual."
In our case, a year and a half ago when DH was an early stage 5 DH was going through delusions, extreme paranoia, and suspiciousness. In the midst of this he was accusing me of unfaithfulness (Gee, I'd like to know at what point I was out of his sight long enough. I'm especially interested in knowing with whom, and if I had any fun...LOL). He then was insistent that we had a wonderful sex life (NOT) and should be doing it day and night. But my disinterest was seen as "trying to ruin us." Sex was not an easy thing to accomplish when he's suffered ED issues for well over a decade, but he kept insisting he could.
The greater issue for me was that he didn't remember difficult or failed attempts at doing it. In his memory we did and it was good when it was anything but. To have things forgotten in minutes, or to have him berate me right before or after, was very hurtful. And that caused a complete emotional disconnect where intimacy of any kind was involved.
I thank God that I got strong enough to cut him off completely. Right now I don't think he even remembers what it is. Heck, sometimes he doesn't even remember I'm his wife.
FTD I feel for you. I am now 41, and the last time we had relations was well over 2 years ago. Before that - when Lynn still had an interest, he also developed ED issues and it was very frustrating to him, and bloody awful for me. That time was when I first learned lying to him was the kindest thing to do. Over time as he got worse, he lost the ability to even know what sex was. Some times I am his wife, some times I am his mom, some times he forgets my name all together and just knows I am someone who cares for him. Most days I do still get a hug or two, but it is not an intimate embrace, it is much like hugging an elderly uncle. *sigh
If I hear I am in my sexual prime one more time, someone might just get hurt LOL
I really dont know if there is any response that is adequate for this topic. During the yrs of the good life, sex was terrific and DH although older had no issues in this dept. after AD, ED seems to be a common factor as we are seeing, and many of us have to deal with the unwanted or wanted advances of their partners at some point. in my opinion there will be an unwanted time and later the wanted time:) during the early stages their seems to be a transition stage where they no longer comprehend the sexual functions and this can become quite stressful to the partner. i can hardly bring myself to say it its been since '99 in las vegas our last relations. sigh...i was 47yrs old not in my prime:) but still desiring sexual fullfillment..it seems so long ago and such a loss. depression and weight gain started during those times..I think i am able to handle it now after yrs of adjusting to all that loss encompasses.It sends me into such remorse for those of you so young having to start the process..Divvi
Damn Divvi, you have gone from my hero, to my super hero!!!!! Maybe I am shallow.... but I can't see myself ummmmmm ............well 10 years is a long time!! I will just leave it at that *blushing
<<If I hear I am in my sexual prime one more time, someone might just get hurt LOL >>
Oh my goodness, Nikki, all that wonderful nookie just going to waste from all of you lovely ladies still in your prime! Sorry, I just couldn't resist....<devilish grin>
I'm sure glad this infernal disease didn't strike US earlier -- but now at 80 it's really a non issue. We probably haven't had "relations" in at least five years -- maybe even closer to ten -- I never kept a log. And those last few infrequent times weren't great for either of us anyhow -- neither of us seemingly too interested and I found it hard to maintain the needed concentration -- which would have been automatic in earlier years. Medications for high blood pressure probably had something to do with it from my end. And UTIs from Frances's end -- they seemed almost automatic when we were on extended RV trips out west -- neccessitating finding a doctor or walk-in clinic for a prescription. Or maybe getting separate LazyBoy recliners for lounging and watching TV may have had something to do with it too -- preventing spontaneous touching and cuddling as we used to do on the couch. We still hug and kiss affectionately, but it no longer kindles any desire.
I'm not in my 40s, I'm 67, but frankly he at the stage where I'm glad it is over. The last few times it was pretty awful. It was all about him and the fact that he no longer could function. I think that ED is a symptom of the disease. I think a total lack of interest in sex at a later stage is also a symptom of the disease.
He has only asked about it a couple of times in the last 6 month, and one of them was when someone else was in the house, which got me out of it easily. I no longer want to have sex with him. There is no pleasure in it for me considering what it was like the last few times.
If I was in my 40s I'd probably be pretty upset about this part of the disease. It is a part of it that is NEVER mentioned anywhere but right here at AS. We have other threads about both the oversexed period, and the end of all sexual relations.
Our active sex life ended several weeks ago. I am 73 and my wife M is 75. She is incontinent and losing arm, leg and mind coordination. I have to take Viagra to make it happen. It just got to be such a hassle and we just sort of lost interest. I lost interest anyway. Several months ago she said one of her few complete sentences during some love making. I will never forget those three words: "This ... is ... fun!"
We still hug, kiss, hold, caress, pet and love one another and have for 43 years.
Starling, I am glad it's over too. How can I enjoy sex with a person verbal abuses me? However, my husband is only in the "early" stage and he is still able to drive a car and do crossword puzzles he treats me ugly. He is nice to others but swears, yells, and ignores me...so why would I even consider sex with him? I want a divorce. Should I divorce him? I need advice please, thank you
Dearest Nikki, I am just like the rest of the good people here trying to live thru this dread disease. no heroism just survival..during this time my sanity was challenged on more than once occasion-i know, 10yrs-unless we do otherwise and find companionship elsewhere along the way, we find ourselves spending our prime alone-i guess the good lord helped when menopause entered the picture:)..well, i hope i can get some extra rewards for celebacy in another life maybe???:))) i sooo feel for yall here who are walking in my old shoes...
i think of this like a nun i guess..married to an image and a thought and wearing a wedding ring to prove my devotion...Divvi
This is a very lonely disease for the caregiver spouse. As to your question about divorce............well, nobody can answer that but you. "Who the man/woman really was before the disease" is a great determinant to how you might deal with the marriage.
Tell us more about you and your husband on the thread you started......."how can he even."
Thank New Realm, He's 14 yrs older than me ( I am a "young" 61) he's in stage 3. He's a control freak so everything is in his name and he pays all the bills (this is alarming because he has always been in chaarge)----Frankly he hates me. We have both had previous marriages with children. His kids aren't close distance or emotionally. Any advice N.R? Thanks. I am so glad I found this website with people we can share these issues with.
Could you survive financially if you were divorced? (don't count on alimony, it sounds like) That hearkens back to Ann Landers - would you be better off with him or without him?
No, I am unemployed. I am in a stuck position as he is with his illness. I feel very selfish and sorry for myself today. Excuse me....but as you know some days are more difficult.
I am sorry that I didn't make myself clear. I am not working outside of the home because I can't find gainful employment. I am kinda caught in the middie.....too young for s.s. but at finding employment at 61 years isn't easy. Thank you I should be so sensitive when he calls me names....I guess I will get tougher skinned with time.
In retrospect, the first sign that my wife (EOAD/stage 6) exhibited was a significant personality change - she withdrew from her friends and would tell me how they had mistreated her. She became hyper-critical of our oldest daughter who, at that time, was a senior in high school. She also withdrew from me and showed no interest in having sex. At this point I was very close to asking for a divorce. It was then that some of the other signs/symptoms started to manifest themselves and it was off to the neurologist with an initial dx of MCI and now AD.
We haven't had sex in 3.5 years. The last time was so bad that I started laughing (not out loud) - she actually had forgotten "how to do it". I now consider her to be my sister and have absolutely no interest in sex and she never mentions it (Thank god). I know this illness is god-awful for her - it is for me too. I have had to put my needs away in a little black box. The only way I can get my life back is when she dies and, by the time that happens, there might not be much of a life left to reclaim.
Iggy, I feel the same way....about the time he dies there might not be much of a life left to reclaim. I am finding that I am having daily pity parties and cry so often and easily. I feel very isolated .....this website is a blessing. Iggy, I guess we just have to make the best out of the situation and take minute by minute ..Take care, Lullie
Please do not make any rash decisions. I think the aggression is normal in most cases. Was he mean before AD? If not they gave my DH meds that controlled that pretty well. Also...probably each of us have wanted to walk off on some days...or step outside and scream. It was hard on me because my husband was always a sweet, kind and considerate person.
Lullie, on another thread some of us recommended that you talk with an elder law attorney. You should.
IN ADDITION, you should talk to a divorce attorney. These are two very different areas of law. You may get very different answers.
I suspect that you would be entitled to Social Security on your own -- that is, your husband receiving SS entitles you to receive SS of your own if you divorce ... but you need to check into exactly when and how that works.
It also depends on where you live and, perhaps, how long you have been married, as to how many of his assets you could claim.
For example, if you were married to him while he was still working and earning his pension, then you may be entitled to a share of his pension.
Attorneys often will give you an initial consultation for free, so they can determine whether they can help you, and you can determine whether you like and trust the attorney. I'd suggest that you talk to two or three elder law attorneys and two or three divorce attorneys. You do not have to retain any attorney if you don't feel like it, for whatever reason.
Lullie, how long have you been married? If 10 years, then at 62 you will be entitled to HIS amount of social security, even if divorced. Sunshyne will correct me if I'm wrong. Would you be able to survive independently on social security? That's only a year away. In my case, my husband will benefit form my much higher social security should I die, will have been married 10 years in April. Jane is also an expert at all this, but she doesn't post much anymore.
My husband is also still taking care of himself, still driving (he was tested by an occupational therapist and passed). But I've had to take over things he gets confused about and he is passive and doesn't do much to make a life for himself unless I organize it. So I feel like I'm taking care of him, that we don't have a partnership any more, so I don't want sex. He suggested it today (when I had just come home from church in tears, very depressed) and I said no and explained it was because I have to take care of him and it doesn't feel like partnership. He denied that. He wants to fix our relationship and I don't think it is possible and don't have much heart for trying. But I'm not going to consider a divorce (unless he asks for one) because that would leave our kids with the burden (he doesn't have any other close family) and I don't want to do that to them.
I'm 53 and tell myself sex isn't important to me. I suspect a lot of how I manage is that I have a therapist who cares about my feelings and I get a hug from him.
I'm not overly comfortable writing about sexual issues with others. So, with Iggy's permission, I will copy virtually word for word what he wrote....including the issue with our daughter who was a senior in H.S. Same thing. Caring for an incontinent wife kinda wipes out any thoughts of sexual relations, for me anyway. Thenneck
I already explained at the top how the start of our "sexless marriage" occured. And until recently the times DH would mention anything about S-E-X it was as if he was curious IF we still do it or not. I had anger and resentment that I am bound in a relationship with a child-like person with attitude, who for the best years of my life (in my 40's, kids becoming independent) has inadvertently stripped away my right to a healthy sex life.
Now I have some bad feelings about it still, but the pain has dulled a lot. I see it a bit different nowadays. I have NO interest in sex with him, especially when he denies anything is wrong with him, that he does NOT need me to care for him, in the same breath that he is needing my help with something. That did it for me.
Lullie, take Sunshyne's advice. Go and find yourself a couple of lawyers, one that knows about divorce in your state and an elder law attorney, and go and ask some questions. You can't make decisions without good information.
And go to your own doctor and explain about your husband's condition and that YOU need medications for anxiety and depression. It isn't unusual for the caregiver to feel the way you feel. And we have several caregiver's here who are on this kind of medication. My doctor has offered it to me, and I know that if I change my mind about needing it I can have it just by telling her things have changed and I now need it.
I also went into therapy for a short while last year. Having someone to talk to helped me a lot. Ask your doctor about sending you to a therapist.
And finally, The Alzheimer's Association Hotline, open 24/7, is 1-800-272-3900. I've called them in the middle of the night when I needed someone to talk me down. They understand where you are coming from. There is no charge.
Starling, Thanks for the info. and everyone's input. I really needed that hotline number....there are times that I entertain suicide. My insurance doesn't cover therapy....and I am too young for medicare too. I don't want to take anti depressants because I am in the process of underwriting with another health insurer and this would be a red flag. So for the time being it's an occasional xanax.
FTD started this thread, so I will address this to her first, but it is really for everyone. As Starling mentioned, this is the only place where spouses can feel comfortable discussing these issues, which are very important. I invite everyone who has not done so, to click onto the "previous blog" section on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com. Scroll through and click on Blogs #9, 10, 11, 32, 33, and 44. They address sexual issues, loneliness, and companionship. These blogs are older, and take a long time to load. Please be patient, and they will load. Also, on the home page, scroll down to the "Articles of Interest " section, and click it. On that page, look under "love and marriage". You will find article about dementia and sex. If you do a "search" at the top of the message boards for the topic "sex", quite a few should come up.
I'm still very busy will my son and daughter-in-law, who are visiting from California, but I do check into the website and message boards when I can, and I wanted to make sure I answered this topic.
wow I've wondered how others were coping with the no sex thing,wife an I had a great sex life for first 17-18 years an then it was like someone turned a switch an she either forgot about it or just didn't care anymore,it got to the point where it seemed more like work than something that should be pleasureable with no response from her,now I can see why after having been diagnosed with the big A just recently,as I think back to all the signs that were right there to see an we both kind of just thought "old age"sure wish we would have consulted neurologist much earlier,not that it would have helped the situation but at least I would have known what was going on,I'm guessing but with as many folks that are expierencing these same health problems,no sex must be a very big problem with lots of them
In 1984-85 my husband had an affair with a much younger person. He went into therapy and was diagnosed 'detached personality disorder'.He never has said he was sorry. I wonder if this was a precursor to the MCI he was just diagnosed with. For about 5 years afterwards the sex was great then went down to OK. In 1995 I went into a severe depression dealing with childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I think a combination of knowing I was sexually abused (even though I didn't tell him) and the rape as a teenager turned him off - he asked why I didn't tell? Duh - back then you didn't! For a year I consented to sex weekly even though it was difficult since I was dealing with it in therapy.
As I was getting interested in sex, he was having problems. We have tried Viagra and the newer ones but they did not work. I told him I thought it was mental not physical based on the fact he was having night-time erections. I had gained weight when on a medication and have been unable to loose it. I have a medical condition that prevented getting pregnant and obesity is a symptom of that condition making it harder to loose.
We now do not have sex. He is 61 - I am 56. It has been probably 2 years since he was successful for a while but longer since a climax. He was wiling to do me without intercourse but I felt guilty that it was one sided. Like others have mentioned, I have turned it off and don't miss sex. But since he started the prozac and galantamine he is becoming affectionate and hints towards sex. I will admit I am fearful - afraid I will give in for another let down. He doesn't seem to remember the ED.
Our history, the fact his affair killed many of my emotions for him, make me wonder if I can go through whatever lies ahead. In hindsight, I should have left him cause the kids (two adopted) and I probably would have been better off. But I didn't and now he has no one but me. Neither of our kids would be there for him so I am all he has. So I am stuck here for now anyway.
Our history is a little different. We met 2/10/74; became engaged 2/12/74 and married 8/31/74. Even with our known disabilities, we built a good life together. We had our ups and downs; had a daughter and raised her well.
Our sex life was pretty good from 1974 when we met and married but began to wane away in the late 80's. Definitely by 1990 it was gone, lost to his mental illness and medications for it. For a while during that time our efforts weren't very good, and of course that was "my fault". Occasionally he'd talk about it, but I admit, I didn't encourage him, because I didn't want to deal with his inability and then blame me. It's still gone. I'm 60 now. Do I miss it? Yes. But what I miss more is the touching, the hugs, the joking around. Even with his learning disabilities, he caught on to a lot of the word play, and it was such a ball to make a big man blush.
Losing that part of our relationship was hard and not even having the cuddles and hugs leaves a huge hole in my day sometimes. But this is now. I don't regret anything about then or now. Each time is its own reality.
I do look to something different in the future. Maybe. . .
I don't know if this is the right discussion to ask this question but...
I just got off the phone with a friend from church. After church last Sunday, she went to lunch with several gals. All of them are widows in the 65+ age group. The DH of one passed away from alzheimers about six months ago.
All of a sudden, one of the gals asked the group if any of them used "sex toys or vibrators"!!!!! Suz said everyone looked embarassed and there was dead silence.
I guess I'm very naive as I didn't even know what a vibrator was until I did a google search!!!!! I was kind of embarassed looking at them!!
Do people in our situations really used these things? Our sex life has been non-existent for the last three years and wasn't all that great for a few years before as he had the beginnings of ED. I guess I have emotionally shut down that part of my life so I don't miss it for the most part.
I feel strange asking this question, but what do the rest of you do?
I knew about these things but had never googled them until redbud mentioned it. Then there's that elderly woman who had a program after a late movie who answered sex questions & showed such things. So I googled and the first site that came up is from Amazon. Joan - you have Amazon on your site, maybe you can put an icon for sex toys on there, could be you'd have a lot of hits!
The woman Bettyhere is referring to is Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Although she approaches the subject with humor, she is very serious, and always has been, about improving people's sex lives until the end of their lives. She has written many books - I'll put a link to one I think may be appropriate up on the home page of my website. I have met her in person, and have heard her speak. (I have NO idea where the picture is of the two of us - if I find it, I'll put it up so you can see it - she's the only woman I have met who is shorter than me.)
She has always been, open, honest, and up front about sexuality, including situations when life long partners die or are disabled. This is the link to her website for those who would like to check it out - http://drruth.com/
I have watched Dr Ruth a few times when hubby is asleep. She is very honest and point blank. She doesn't mince words or avoid a question. I never knew there were so many sex toys out there! I do know a couple women who use vibraters though.
I just have to say that you women ROCK!!!! Reading this discussion has just cracked me up. It is so nice to be able to laugh, considering the circumstances we all find ourselves in! After 5 years-sex free, I am going to look into your vibrator suggestions. Thanks sisters!!!!!
I bought my current vibrator online from a vendor I have used for other things many times in the past. It arrived at a time when my husband thought everything that came out of the mailbox was his. He insisted all my books were his, and he insisted that the vibrator was his as well. It was interesting getting the thing away from him. <grin>
I've had a vibrator since Betty Dobson's SEX FOR ONE book. If it wasn't her book, there were others that came out about the same time on the same subject. My husband bought them as they wore out, so this was the first time I'd bought one for myself. Which was interesting since I didn't want to buy it from a vendor I hadn't already had experience with. I don't need weird mail, physical or email. I didn't use Amazon, but would feel safe doing so.
A friend of mine lost her husband to a sudden heart attact when she was 62. 6 months later I suggested to her she might want to consider buying one and she jumped right on it. I pulled it up on the Internet and she wanted me to order her one since she didn't use the Internet. I did and had it put on her credit card and delivered to her home. She told me her husband had been impotent for 2 years before his death, after he started on BP medication. I don't think any of you would regret making the purchase. I recommend going cordless.
Imohr, normally I don't have a dirty mind (just every once in a while), and I KNOW you didn't mean it that way, but after reading ol don's jokes, then reading your sentence..."I suggested to her she might want to consider buying one and she jumped right on it..." I couldn't help but giggle! <grin>