This is scary for me to tell anyone but I'm beginning to feel safe here. I read all your comments and you all sound so sweet and understanding exactly what I am not most of the time.He's not violent bt I wouldn't blame him. Sometimes I feel I can Yell it out of him. I can be so mean and then feel so bad. Anyone else?
Yes, I use to have a lot of resentment towards him for "leaving me", and for me having to make every darn decision in my life and his too, down to telling him when to change his underwear. I feel bad for it now that he has passed. But I do understand that anger is a big part of accepting that this is a disease and he can't help it, but we do have a choice about being there. Eventually I accepted I was making the choice to be there for his every need and he wasn't "making" me be there for him. So eventually the anger went away. Until his final decline and he didn't know who I was the he was afraid of the "people" who he said was in our home, and I felt so bad for him to be so frightened here in his home with myself and our son which I know that he loved so much. Then I finally knew that I had to let go and let hospice help us. But there are a lot of stages the caretaker goes through, the denial, the anger, the resentment and then the big one "the guilt". But eventually you accept that you did your best and that is all the you or your husband or anyone else can expect.
Sally, your reading has apparently been pretty selective. <grin> There are plenty of posts about losing our tempers.
And sometimes, laying down the law (sometimes at the top of our voices) is the only way to get their attention, and get them to remember that there are certain behaviors which are simply not acceptable.
thank you Sunshyne You are once again so right -- I have a tendency to exaggerate and definitely did when I sain "all" the would be quite a task, huh? But I did go to search and found the threads you were talking about. So I'm not alone and being a hospice volunteer I should have applied the 8 steps of death and dying to me but ????? and a big atep is anger -- and guilt! Thank you again for helping me get my head back on straight
Like this morning - I held up two houseshoes and said "This one is yours" - then the other "This one is mine" - then pointed to his left foot and said "This one is yours" and pointed to his right foot and said "This one is mine" - and after saying FOUR times to sit down, he did. And I took my houseshoe off of his foot and put his on his foot - and was able to wear my own houseshoes (which are women's and look NOTHING like his!). There is not a day that goes by that I'm not frustrated - and it takes SO MUCH patience NOT to yell at them. Sometimes I'm successful, and sometimes I'm not. I always try to leave the room he's in before I blow though - if I can.
I used to be mean & yell out of frustration, because I thought I was dealing with someone normal. Finally, it got too wacko, I called the AZ hot line, and landed here. I have a sneaking suspicion it was Sunshyne who clued me in on what I was dealing with, but that was so far back, who knows. I was terrified & not paying attention to names. I am grateful to whoever it was that told me yes, my husband did have whole brain radiation. Maybe they will stand up now.
I don't lose my cool anymore. I just escape. But then, I am in the position to do so. I can't even begin to imagine being trapped in this all the time.
Speaking of house shoes, my husband was ready to leave the house with his slippers on New Year's Eve, until I pointed out that he needed to put on shoes. AND 2 women stopped us on the street to ask where the nearest convenience store was, my husband asked if they could take a picture of us WITH THEIR CAMERA! I told him they didn't want a picture of us. After some discussion, they just took the photo. Now, all of remember at some time stopping a stranger to ask to take a photo of the 2 of you, with your own camera. Huh???
Sally, or course! yes i do believe you are the ONLY witch in this fine group.....everyone else here is quite the saint!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT!!!!! read up dear girl, there are pages and pages of all the no-no's we have been going thru and have in the past about losing our cool thru fustration over and over again. we hate we love we despair we forgive we cuss we scream we rant we rage...some times its us- sometimes it our spouses..sometimes its one of us ranting on another here...hahaha.
kitty, love the foto bit...:) and mary i always know where to find my houseshoes...funny is my DH has a much bigger foot and the small pink one he usually has on one foot hangs off the back by half..:) dont you just love em??????? now if thats ALL he did to me well that would be a whole nother subject! divvi.
Well, that also reminds me. Every year I have bought him these Dearform slippers. He is very obsessive about the type he wants. This year he decided to go on ebay & get them, not Dearform. Well, they arrived, and they were women's slippers. Men & woman's sizes don't equate. He cut them & applied duct tape! You can ask if they are men's or women's on ebay. So I told him that was gross, I would get him the slippers. Nope, he ordered again, & guess what.....they were women's. So I went to J.C. Penny & bought him 2 pairs. He gave me the women's which I haven't worn once. What a waste of money. And yet ANOTHER signal that something is not working properly in the brain.
Oh Sally, You are just fine, and no your not alone. Just ask my MIL who thinks I am at the head of the line when it comes to being a witch. That's her problem not mine. I like you and everyone else here are just trying to deal with the horror of this disease on a daily basis. Hang in there. There is no book/guideline for this. We all just do the best we can. I have just had to learn to "sound" as kind as I can, not always easy! But even a raised voice with my Dh can come off as mean if I am not careful. And I only try to raise my voice when I think he's doing something that is a danger to him. I actually think I had a harder time before the diagnosis because I didn't know what was causing all the weirdness. Remember there is no book or guideline, so were all just trailblazers at it. And even if there was a book or guideline it wouldn't apply to everyone, cause from what I have seen from Alzheimer's is each case is different. Rk
I had to laugh at Kitty's use of the word Normal, I just recently bought a little sign that says "Normal" is just a setting on the washing machine! Oh how true!
Sally, I'm glad you're beginning to feel safe here. This really is a safe place to land. We all have times when our patience runs thin but the people here are also kind, loving and the best caregivers in the world.
Sally, This morning, as DH started on his "if only you would. (task he thinks is vital)....I've been asking since.(some unreasonable time period)", I let loose on him again. You don't see the problems we see; you don't know what I've been dealing with; yeah, like this is so much fun for me; etc. Kinda feels good to let it out. At some point earlier in our relationship (you all know what I mean) this would have resulted in a discussion of "what can I do to help you" or something like that.
This time, as usual (for AD), he said something remotely close to "oh" and then continued on his original "problem" or the new to the moment "problem". And, I, once again, reminded myself that he and I are focused on different things and AD means it will always be the case.
He's focused on him and his "problems", which I should/could fix, and caused. I am focused on him and his "problems". Mmmm, same page, looking for different results??
Yup. We all let loose on our LO. Oh, wait, I forgot. It's not HIM, it's the disease. Sounds reasonable intellectually. In practice, not so easy.
Lullie, we all were where you are......we have moved on for the most part, but slip up at least once a day.. <grin> We have come to realize that they can't help it. It does no good to remind them, because the reason button is broken and the memory button for short term is non-existent. You have to learn what you can live with and what you can't. Yelling and getting angry doesn't do either of us any good, and in fact, causes my husband to go back into his fog where I can't reach him, so I try my darnest not to get mad in front of him any more. Sometimes he doesn't recover to where he was if I yell at him, so I don't yell......more than once a week or so.....like yesterday when he caused the toilet to overflow, and changed my Saturday - all plans for the day but the haircut gone until next weekend....I have to keep telling myself it will still be there then.
Sometimes the state of my house causes me to cry in private. I can't stand it to not be neat....but if I get two rooms neat, I've accomplished a miracle. I have to tell myself that his well being is more important than my house. Over and over and over and over and over....
Mary, you are right about the house....over and over....I think it's no big deal because he was a neatnik too. Now he forgets to shower and sometimes wears the same clothes for 4-5 days...if I say something about it his reply is "So What>" So I get embarrassed to be seen with him.....I am too shallow...
No, Lullie you are not shallow. I am a long time control freek. I just love a nice neat, clean environment! Now DH touches, moves, misplaces, undoes everything the moment I have things right! Just this morning, I made our bed with nice clean sheets and ironed pillow cases, adjusted the bedspread, placed the designer pillows on top, dusted, vacuumed the room and went on to something else.....Wamo! There he was not 1 hour later wanting back in bed and ripping everything apart again. I don't know why I even make the bed anymore. I tried to tell him he has to sleep in the other bedroom, but..no....he wants to be close at allllllll times, Velcro Boy. Ya Gotta Love It....