I haven't started a new discussion in many months. I guess this could have gone under the disappearing conversation, but I was really so taken aback that I just wanted input.
Last night, New Year's Eve, was bitter cold here, wind chill factor brought the temperature to 24 degrees & I mean it was windy. I asked my husband if we could change our plans based on the weather. Two years ago, they started a Times Square type of event within walking distance from our house, but I did not want to stand around outside in frigid weather. He wouldn't hear of it, so I put on my thermals & trudged out.
O.k, so I'll get to the point. Everything has seemed so "normal" for so long, I almost started believing it was. We sat down in a Deli, and my husband had this long discussion with the waiter about some beer called Pipeline, learned it has a coffee flavor, etc. The beer arrived within 5 minutes, & this was the shocker: He asked the waiter if he had ordered the beer. He didn't remember ordering the beer. Oh well, he said whether he did or didn't he would try it. I asked him how he couldn't remember ordering a beer he had just discussed 5 minutes earlier. Probably a wrong thing to do, but I was so astonished.
The whole walk to the event had been a discussion about these metal barricades they were putting up for the 1st time this year in the middle of the street to allow for emergency vehicles. He was very upset by this. Said it was stupid & they would have people walking around in circles for a 10 block stretch. Anyhow...I had ordered a gin & tonic, not really a beer drinker, but he insisted I taste the beer he couldn't remember ordering, which was actually good. But then he insisted that I try it again. Meanwhile, he became obsessed about the barricades. I was hungry, ordered my meal, but he had a "plan." He would just keep telling them he hadn't decided what he wanted. Now, so you know, he had only had this one beer, but went on & on about those barricades for over an hour. I asked him at least 10 times to PLEASE stop talking about the barricades, but he wouldn't stop. He finally ordered something to eat, all through his dinner he continued with the barricade talk. "It's a conspiracy by the black city government." "I'm going to write a letter to the newspaper." "You can't walk across the street to that restaurant. (6 times.) Please I ask, can we talk about something else, but he kept going, raising his voice. I told him to please be quiet & he said it was an outrage & he was going to scream about it if he wanted to. He blew his nose into a CLOTH napkin, even though I had offered him a tissue. More barricade talk. Finally, not being able to stand it one more minute, I just got up & left, walked home by myself.
Wrong! He came home in a rage, "Why the F did you just leave me there?" Because you wouldn't stop talking about the barricades after I asked you 10 times to cut it out. "That's no excuse!" Slamming of doors (by him) & this morning he has not forgotten. I apologized, but in my heart I am not sorry. I've had recent exposure to normal people, so all of this seems bizarre to me.
He kept repeating the same complaints over & over. I just couldn't take it anymore. I know I was wrong to leave, but at that moment I didn't care. Question: Has anyone had the same type of experience? I'm in new territory here.
He told me this morning to stay away from him, I don't care about him. We have a network & sometimes he kicks the plug in his office that takes me off the internet. He wouldn't even check it for me.....mean, mean, mean. I told him I was sorry, please replug the connector. Finally he did, and I am able to post. He wouldn't move so I could do it. I'm feeling down.
Kitty, I'm so sorry you had such a bad evening and are now having an unpleasant morning. I've not experienced the behavior, but wanted you to know I feel for you. Someone with more knowledge than I will no doubt be along soon. Meanwhile, I'm keeping a good thought for you. Hang in there.
Kitty, I havn't been through anything like this so far but I would probably hav done the same as you. We are human beings and can only take so much stress before blowing. I am sorry your New Year has started off badly and pray it is all UP from here on in.
Kitty-you're like a moth drawn by a flame. You won't accomplish anything by trying to reason with your husband. That ability is gone. (his, not yours). Try to get on with your own life. Hopefully he will forget what he is angry about.
Kitty, I've had plenty of my husband forgetting something two seconds later, but none of the anger. All I can do is sympathize, and recommend that you learn not to listen when your husband is being a broken record. Look at him, nod on occasion, but think about something else.
As strange as it is going to sound, the over and over and over stuff is so hard to live with, but when I realized that it was no longer happening, I almost missed it.
My mantra is "the rational button is broken." Someone said that here months ago, and I have held to it. When I am about to go "off" I just remind myself that "the rational button is broken" and I can move on. But it took a lot of work to get to the point where I could move on.
It is harder and harder to deal with the fact that "us" is basically gone. It might be easier for me because my husband no longer wants to go places and see people or visit anyone, and that has been true since before the diagnosis. But I remember the last few experiences when he still was willing to go to parties at our community center. Some of them were good, but some weren't so good.
I don't think there is any question that the early-middle stages of the disease, when every thing is almost normal, but everything is changing for the worst every day, is the hardest part of the disease for the caregiver.
I guess we haven't spent that much time together in the "outside" world in quite a long time. At home he's in his office, I'm in mine, or we eat dinner, which doesn't take an hour, watch the news together. We basically live 2 separate lives in the same house. So this was a very extended time with him.
I thank you all for your input. I know about that reasoning button, but it hasn't been tested in a LONG time. & I was thinking about a broken record last night. I don't feel like nodding! I want a normal life. I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. I want a CONVERSATION! We talk about things at home, in passing, so this really came as a shock. I'm sure he will get over it. Well, not sure, but I'm not putting any effort into helping him. He either will or won't.
I still can't believe I just left him there, but I had reached my limit & it was flight or fight. I am usually a person of few words, but I reread my post, and this must have really bothered me to have rambled so. And this is a man who would seem so normal to the outside world. Oh my.
I don't know if this is going to be any help to you, but everything you describe is "normal" for this dreadful disease.
As you know, I have been dealing with anger and rage for a long time. I can only recommend what everyone has told me - if the anger continues to escalate, alert the doctor, and he may need to put your husband on medication for it.
We had a similar "forgetful" experience on Christmas day. I was driving to my cousin's house at about 12:45 PM. It is a 40-45 minute drive straight down I-95. Zero traffic. Sid and I had a conversation all the way down there about how unusual it was that there was no traffic on Christmas Day. We wondered if everyone had gone out early or if people were stuck in the airports because the weather up North was so terrible. We kept remarking about what a smooth easy ride it was right up to my cousin's house.
An hour later we're sitting having dinner, and Sid says - "The traffic coming down here was terrible. There was so much traffic." And he went on and on about it. I sat there dumbfounded. I, too, thought I was in the Twilight Zone. I said nothing, but that's when it occurred to me WHY he seems so normal to everyone else. My cousins had no idea about our conversation on the way down there. I did say something to one of them later on, but I didn't say anything to him. I should have left it at that. I know I should have, but the next day, I asked him why he told them there was so much traffic, and if he remembered our conversation on the road about how little traffic there was. Needless to say, he started arguing with me that there WAS a lot of traffic. I just shut up and let it go.
As you described the escalation of agitated comments, and the volume, I immediately started to feel that anxiety you may have felt.
My biggest stumbling block with acceptance of AD was this. DH, in recent years displayed the same types of behavior/personality he had over many years of alcohol abuse. Yep, I bet my DH's AD signs appeared a decade before we knew what he had, because they were masquerading as an irritable drunk who was sometimes full of himself.
Because my DH quit drinking just over a decade ago, re-emerging "actions" and "personality" really threw me for a loop. For as long as I've known DH, twenty some years, he has always repeated himself ad nauseum, taken glances or words of others the wrong way, and would often blurt out insults or disagreement at a volume that scared the devil out of me. Never that he was screaming, but that he would say aloud, within earshot, things that I feared would get us attacked by some crazed loon.
I know now that DH's issues today are AD related, but "history" between two people doesn't 100 percent disappear from the emotions. I know your DH may have NEVER had any issues such as alcohol related rages, and I hope I'm not implying so. I'm just relating to the level of tension and anxiety when someone constantly repeats their displeasure with something, gets louder, and increasingly agitated. Particularly in public where strangers most likely would NOT understand what was going on with our loved ones.
I'm sorry your evening was so tense, and so sad. I feel for you. I have to believe I might have done exactly as you did. We AD spouses are still human, and still have our emotions, despite living in the "Twilight Zone" of AD.
My mantra is "live in his world while you are with him." My husband lives in a memory care unit and I am there frequently. Often a resident will ask an off the wall question such as "what time does the bus to Chicago come?' I've learned to just answer that it isn't for several hours, why don't I take you to the lounge to wait. If my husband wants to argue about something, I'll just agree and promise that we will certainly attend to it tomorrow. Diversion and distraction are my best friends.
Kitty, I'm sorry that you're New Year's celebration became a bad memory. I probably would have left him there, too.
I'll have to memorize what wheatleygirl1 said: "Diversion and distraction are my best friends." Very wise advice - - but not always easy to follow, of course.
Thanks..... I said above, and this from a man who would seem so normal to the outside world. Watched a little TV & it struck me. This is the 1st time he has demonstrated memory loss to someone other than myself! I actually followed the waiter, apologized because my husband told him he didn't remember ordering the beer. I asked the waiter, doesn't that seem strange? He said, no, he's fine. I WANTED VALIDATION. I know there have been situations that surely seemed strange to various real estate agents, sewer guys, etc. But this is absolutely the 1st time someone has witnessed memory loss other than myself. The waiter probably thought he was drunk.
Just a reminder, my husband doesn't have AD, he has "dementia" from whole brain radiation. So a lot of what all of you say, I can't tell if it will apply to my situation. I suspected he had AD due to his behavior & that's how I ended up here.
I am glad to get the feedback that others might have done what I did. I thought maybe I was way out there with that one. (Bad girl!) You really do start questioning yourself.
He claimed this morning that I ruined New Year's Eve & I ruined today. If he were rational, I would explain to him how he ruined MY New Year's Eve. I just let it go. Yes hopefully he will get over this soon. He's been in bed all day watching TV. He rarely gets in bed during the day other than an occasional nap.
Joan, I know how you felt. It is really eerie. It's like you're not experience the same life, even though on the surface it seems you are.
This brings back memories of a time about 2 years ago. DH had shown no signs of Alz except memory loss. He started mixing my papers up and would not stop. He was in my chair and I at the computer. I kept telling him to leave them alone. Suddenly he jumped up and got me by the shirt and pulled me up and put his fist in my face. He kept daring me to say something to him and pulling on my blouse at the neck. He has never raised a hand to me. I just sat and looked at him until he let me go. This is when I realized something was seriously wrong with him. It came to me that he could not understand what I was saying and had reacted to the anger in my voice. Needless to say I no longer argue with him. He loves to argue but I refuse telling him that arguing is out unless he wants to argue with himself.
Wow! None of the anger and raising of voice, yet. However, the repetition---over and over. He gets concerned about so many things. Keeps asking whose car that is parked across the street? Do those people still live there? When are they going to sell that house? Why is that dog barking? Over and Over again. Drives me bonkers. But I'm gragerul that he doesn't show the anger and yell (too much)
I'm really sorry for your evening and morning. Hope things improve.
My DH has been asking everyday for the last few days when Ohio State plays in the Fiesta Bowl. I keep telling him on the 5th but it doesn't do any good!
My DH has trouble keeping the days sorted out and it is worse when a Holiday falls in the middle of the week, like this year's Christmas and New Year. He keeps asking me if this is Saturday, etc. I should get a calander or something and put the date and day of the week on it, but I don't know where I would keep it.
We have a dry erase board on the refrigerator and every day I write the day of the week and the date and if it's a holiday I write that underneath. It has helped my husband keep track of the day of the week when it comes to his pills. He has a day of the week pill case and this way I have an easier time making sure he takes the right ones and I can show him that he has taken them on the days he will insist he didn't
Keeping up with the day and date is also a problem here. DH keeps a calendar in his bathroom and marks the days off but he still asks me several times a day what day it is. Sometimes he doesn't know the month or year either. deb, the dry erase board on the refrigerator sounds like a great idea. Think I'll try that.
I have a calendar on the wall in the kitchen. For years, I used it to keep track of major appointments and social events, and my husband ignored it. But surprisingly, he has started using it recently, all on his own. And he goes out to bring in the newspaper every morning, and he compares the date on the newspaper with the calendar, and marks off the days -- again, all on his own -- and has been keeping track (kind of) of his appointments that I write there.
Kitty----As others have assured you, what you have described is definitely part of this awful disease. In my DH's case, he acted like this for @ two years BEFORE we actually knew anything was wrong. Seriously, there was no memory loss evident to anyone, only rage at the world and mostly at me. I had gotten to the point that I was about to move out (I had even told my teenage daughter that was what i wanted to do, and she agreed with me!) and then my DH started "missing words", and I realized this was much worse than marital discord. Hopefully, as many have said on this website, every phase eventually passes. Once my DH was diagnosed and was able to retire from his high stress job, his anger at the world softened. And as the disease progresses, even when he gets upset, mostly at traffic and construction when I am driving through it, since he no longer drives, he cannot articulate his anger as well, and to be honest, his emotions are "flat". And as Starling and my therapist say, you cannot reason with a person with dementia----which also means you cannot argue with them. Once i stopped trying both, the conversations (if you can call them that) did not escalate as much. Now, almost three years after his diagnosis, his conversations are much more limited and mostly happy remembrances or ramblings about his past life, when they make sense at all. Anyway, hang in there Kitty! Just so you know, we no longer go out to dinner as a couple at all, although he still goes out to lunch with friends, and we had a very pleasant Xmas eve dinner with a group of friends---everyone kept the conversation going enough that my DH never had a chance to get worked up about anything----he just ate, smiled, enjoyed the company, and then we came home as soon as he was tired. My daughters and I feel it will be one of our last dinners out as a family, so we are glad it went so well.
Kitty, I absolutely understand what you are going through. With my DH, dx'd with FTD - your experience could be mine. For years before his diagnosis there was anger and rage and everything was my fault. Dementia got worse after his hip replacemen surgery in 2004. Sometimes I can't believe we didn't know something was wrong with him before then. Please know that some of us are in the same boat with you. The anger is almost gone with medication now, thank the heavens.
Kitty, I feel for you. Happens all the time. Mean is putting it mildly. When he gets on one of his rants, I just say over and over in my head.... you can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
It ISN'T funny, but it has just enough humor to stop an anxiety attack.
This isn't funny at all, but it popped in my head when I read Kitty's story. My DD's father in law is JUST LIKE Kitty's husband!!! And he doesn't have any sort of dementia, he's just a pure a**!
So Kitty can feel sympathetic to a poor lady in Texas that has dealt with this behavior for all of her married life!!!
Sorry, Kitty, & I hope you keep your chin up. I can't see how anyone could stand that for any length of time. Hope your elbows are doing well.
2nd day here that he will not speak to me, because I ruin EVERYTHING. I reminded him of a festival we went to (6 hours/no problems) and he said that was a miracle. I tried to tell him I was sorry again, but I told him I had asked politely for him to stop talking about the barricade, he didn't want to talk & went into the bedroom & shut the door.
I had been patting myself on the back for months for my talent of avoiding arguments, but I could just get up & walk to another room. The difference here was that I was trapped. He wasn't angry with me, he was angry with the city for putting up the barricades. All this negative energy, and who cares about the barricades? He is not going to change that. Plus I felt like I could have been Joe Schmo from Nebraska & he could have had the same conversation. There was so much merriment in NYC, and this was such a contrast, which may have made my tolerance level lower.
My elbows have completely healed, thanks for asking!
It's all gloom & doom here, and I'm just trying to keep my spirits up. I don't know what else to do but give him his space. In his mind I have done the unthinkable, and he did not contribute to it at all. Meanwhile, we are busy cleaning the house for yet another showing of the house tomorrow. It's futile, because housing prices have dropped so much, but he doesn't want "to give the house away."
Thanks again all. It is so comforting not to be alone with my thoughts.
Kitty they look normal to the outside world until they are in late Stage 5. And even then, they look normal to anyone who hasn't spent a lot of time around them.
When I went public with what was going on with my husband, the ONLY people who told me they knew something was wrong were my neighbors across the street. He spends a lot of time with them. In the summer he will go over while they are doing chores outside. Now the husband comes over almost every day to invite my husband to walk the dog with him in the afternoon. They knew something was wrong because they had spent enough time with him to see it. And they are kind, so they STILL spend time with him.
It is possible that the people at our favorite diner also have figured out something is wrong. The owners have two diners, but this one caters to local people only because of where it is. They have a lot of elderly couples eating there and they are handicapped friendly. I know that when I no longer can take him anywhere else, I'll be able to take him there because they will be able to cope.
Kitty---Note that at this stage, your husband can still remember that he is not talking to you. Last spring, when I took the keys away from my DH, he would scream that he was never speaking to me again, and as soon as he was distracted to another topic, would start talking to me again. Now, almost every morning he calmly tells me he is going to talk less because (his inability to remember) "words and names" stress and despress him, but he actually never stops talking.....just constant rambling.....the friends that are nice enough to keep in touch with him realize they will hear the same lunch conversation each visit, but they also realize that's what my daughters and I hear every day.
A friend related the following incident to me the other day. She was in a resturant and seen friends and the wife had alzhimers. She stopped and talked a few minutes and the wife was quiet and subdued. The husband asked her if she would sit with his wife while he went to the restroom and she did. As soon as he was gone the AD wife asked her "who is that man" and my friend said he is your husband, don't you recognize him and she said no. I have not got to that point yet but I imagine many of you have.