I have a friend and DH (age 62). Husband is on aricept by VA Doctor. He is verbal abusive to her, doesn't want her
telling or advising him of anything, won't go to his cardioogist or PCP, or neuro. She said she tries to just stay out
of his way and not say much to him. Hasn't even started the driving issue. With this info. any suggestion of a med for her to ask for the next time he sees the VA Doctor?

Sid is on an anti-depressant - Celexa. Lexapro was prescribed, but my insurance company wouldn't pay for it, so they substituted the generic of Celexa. Risperdal was also prescribed, but we didn't use it because Sid is diabetic, and the warning on it is that it significantly raises blood sugar.

A lot of caregivers on this board have said that their spouses are on Seraquel. (sp?), and that it works well.

joang

Seroquel was a g-d send to us. Just don't pay attention to the black box warning.

Seroquel works wonders for us too. it is very flexible and can be easily split with a pill splitter without affecting it's performance. It does a great job of controlling some of the more undesirable AD behavior patterns.

Risperdal and Abilify are drugs that are in the same class as Seroquel. Seroquel is the most cost effective. If for any reason Seroquel won't work, perhaps one of the others will.

I hope your friend can finds something that works for her DH.

Lynn is still very abusive. It use to be all day every day but now with the Seroquel he only has about 3 "bad spells" a day. No wonder we have to detach ourselves. I feel so bad for your friend, this has been the single hardest thing for me in all this AD hell. He calls me degrading names etc and at least twice a day he tells me to go to hell........now I just say I am already there........... *sigh

That's the general location of our life also...I keep thinking being snowbound made it worse, but G is so nasty to me (and others) I just want him to go away. Naturally, it isn't his problem, but one that I create by just walking in the room. He has a Doc appointment in a couple of weeks, but his PCP doesn't hand out drugs easily..or at all. I had to insist on the 10 mg. of Prozac that he takes..not enough obviously.

I do learn learn from you...all of you that are steps beyond my life now..and admire you so very much. I, too, have decided it is okay to be resentful of our situation. I can't imagine this life for years yet! Just need to keep ploding along, but take energy from everyone on this forum.

Thanks.

Hello..is there a nice person out there I can talk with? Why do things seem to go along okay and then wham....right between the eyes. Watching a recorded program when I didn't fast forward thru the comercials fast enough and BAM.."I'm going to bed..I can't stand to be around you"..whoa..where the heck did that come from? He hates most TV and especially comercials, but this was so sudden and extreme. He must have been festering as he sat there for some reason...and I thought today had gone far better than the last few. How can one know..and is it important? Does it change anything? I feel totally lost right now. Surely feel like I want to crawl into bed with this lovely guy! Ugh...I would love to go to bed just once with a nice warm feeling not this horrific nightmare that will keep me awake most of the night. Sorry, the whine machine going one more time.It just feels good to be able to at least write it even when I can't say it out loud.

Boy, do I hear that! I have told G that he killed our relationship when this started. He has ocasionally given me a hug and told me he loves me, but then he turns around and bites me in the A**. I simply have lost all trust in what he says. The smothering thing...I feel I am part of a Siamese twin. Our house is large enouogh that we can be separate, but no way is that going to happen. He follows me where ever I go. During the stormy weather our large canvas awning over the upper deck bit the dust, so I feel like we are living in a cave now. Repairs won't arrive until next week (which is of course MY fault also even though the repair folk are out of the office until next week). I am claustophbic, so with this and the constant companion thing, I truly do feel smothered. Nice to know someone else understands..thanks.

The verbal abuse seems to come and go here, some days are worse than others. Seroquel does a good job of the keeping these behaviors under control. The gloomy, cloudy or rainy winter days seem be the worst.

As much as it hurts it doesn't do much good to fight or argue with them, I find if I leave the room for a few minutes the episode will blow over. I try my best to keep my cool, I do find my self having a great conversation with myself after some of these outbursts. My stepdaughter is a good listener and has also been the victim of some of these outbursts, so I at least have someone to talk to. Beleive me it helps to have someone who listens and understands.

((Kathi)) Lynn started out very abusive, people always told me it would get better, that it was just a phase.
It never went away, and he got more aggressive. The Seroquel has helped, but he still is a very angry abusive man. It just sucks the life out of you. Being a caregiver is hard work, being degraded and sworn at every day just makes it that much harder. Get him on some meds for your own piece of mind. Keeping you in my thoughts, Nikki

Kathi,

Yep, we woke up to another 4 inches of snow. Yesterday I saw the final remnants of the snow from our snow bound Christmas. Seeing it again this morning was "not exciting." But I do see it rapidly beginning to melt, so there is hope.

I can relate, believe me. My DH was verbally and emotionally abusive for a long time before his diagnosis. He blamed me for everything. There were friends who would say that they didn't know how I put up with him. I guess I became accustomed to it as the years went by. There were times that I wanted to run away. What saved our relationship was he traveled a lot. I remember I used to relish him walking out the door on Monday and hated it on Friday when he came home for the weekend. Even our children did. Went on for a long time that way. I thought it was a personality problem with him, I should have known there was something wrong. I would also go to bed and not want to be there. Now of course, there is a new light the situation. I know now that it was the onset of this damn disease. He is now in early stage 6 I think and on meds and the aggression is under control somewhat. Now I am just worn out, but not degraded every day. He is up my backside all the time, too. And he is up and down all night long, I swear it is every hour on the hour. I do really wish I could get a good night's sleep. When does that happen?

lmohr, thanks for your input. We have a Neuro appointment on Jan. 26. I will write a note and fax it to the dr. before the visit. This is the way we discuss problems with DH without his being there and getting angry. Is this up all night routine a thing that is normal for FTD patients?

"Is there anyone out there who had a spouse who was always mild-mannered, not keeping anger in but just calm and peaceful and absorbed in his own thoughts maybe, who then has become SERIOUSLY abusive with AZ?"

YES! Lynn was very mild manner. He was opionated, but never ever quick angered, physical or verbal abusive. Stage 5 a true AD devil emerged. He didn't strike me, but he always pushed and shoved me. He still shoves me even on the seroquel. His verbal abuse was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He is still this way, though it is not all day now on meds. He has calmed down, but the daily abuse is still there.

I find after 5 years of this, the names no longer have the power to make me cry, but I know it is only because my soul has been crushed, it doesn't hurt like it did because I had to detach from him to survive. Seperate him into two people. "My Lynn" would have never hurt me like this! He would be devastated if he knew.

mmarshall - earlier in the game when my DW was marching around the house all night, I tried to keep up with her. After all, I was superman, I could do everything. Then into that 5th or 6th night with two 40 minute naps each night and I realized that perhaps I did have some physical limitations. I installed door locks, let her go and went to bed. With rest you are much stronger to deal with all the other stuff going on. You do sometimes find things in odd places in the morning. Almost all tasks can be deferred, but you must rest.

MMarshall, maybe you can take the knobs off the stove, hide the knives and let him wander. You have to have your sleep. We have an AD friend who put some rolls in the microwave (in the aluminum pan they come in...with the plastic bag still on). The pan started popping and cracking with sparks flying, the plastic melted and the whole house was full of smoke. Luckily this was in the day time and his caregiver was in another part of the house. If your DH may try to use the microwave in the middle of the night, I wouldn't know how to disable it.

I too am experiencing this devastating anger from my DH. The difference is that it is centered only on me. He is pleasant and "appropriate" with friends and other family members. Support is not readily available because it is hard for people to see this Jekyll and Hyde that lives here. He has begun to" hold me in place" with his hands to prevent me from leaving the room during an episode. His strength is intimidating. I am hoping to approach our doctor re this. Any other suggestions?
Jean

jean=Starling is right on. Notify the police ahead of time what you are dealing with. I hadn't done this at first and it did not go well. Husband convinced the police that it was just a domestic incident.

Jean-I too dealt with physical restraint at times, you need to contact your doctor immediately. They need to know when physical violence is a potential. If they will not deal with it as Nikki so rightly says get another doctor. I know it is frustrating when they can be so appropriate in the doctors office or around family. But a good neurologist familiar with dementia can see through this. You are not making things up, my husband always accused my of making things up or exaggerating, but his neurologist saw through it and put him on Trazodone which helped greatly.

MMarshall, As many others have stated here, I am slowly learning to just let him go to a certain extent. I, too, tried to follow him around all night to make sure he didn't hurt himself, but after about 3 nights without sleep (I still work full time) I can't handle it. The house is secure so that he can not get out. I have cleared as many pathways as possible to leave him room to pace. He has a palsy condition which has affected his hands so they are not in gear with his brain so he does not try to cook or anything else. He simply paces. The bed is equipped with an alarm that alerts me that he is up and on the move. I have pretty well learned to sleep with one ear open so I hear him if he falls. I have also discovered that if I stay in bed instead of following him around begging him to come back to bed, he comes back to bed on his own quicker. I have full time day time help while I work so when I get too tired, I take some vacation time (surely don't go anywhere on vacation to need it) and come home from work and sleep while my in home help is here.

Sorry for the delay in responding to your supportive responses. I don't leave my laptop on to maintain my privacy. I will call doctor in am and make a plan should this happen again. There are those of us here, myself included, that are very timid and I know that it helped me to hear from all your logical voices of experience. Thank you all.....I'll let you know how it goes.

jean, GOOD GIRL. I was really worried about you.

One of the advantages to this forum is that if something worries you, and you aren't sure what to do, at least one of us will pick up on the sub-text of what you say. If it is dangerous we will let you know. At this point you do have the time to talk to the doctor and find out what he says. But being held in place by someone bigger than you who's rational button is broken can escalate into something much more dangerous.

Any sign of unwanted aggressive behaviour or abuse is time for a oneonone with a prescribing dr for medication evaluation. if they wont help get another dr! so many of us have gone the route waiting to see if our drs will be there for us when the needs arise- only to find they want to CoverTheirA"" by limiting the amount of rx for antipsychotic drugs. only the ones who have experience with the nature of the beast tend to understand our needs for safety and control of the AD person when the rants and aggession start. i had to change our neuro and now the one i have asks me every visit what I NEED to help out. either for myself or DH:)
others here who have gone thru physical assault have given good advice about the 911 call to get them taken to a hospital for evaluation. i wouldnt hestiate to call if needed. you cant assume your AD spouse will react like 'norma'l or comprehend the behaviour issues by rationalizing with them. that button is broke. unfortunately sometimes we get to the point of excess before we realize actions need to be in place beforehand if anger is or was an issue. my DH was always calm, mild mannered and spoke very softly and his demeanor was happy and quiet. in those beginning yrs he went from that to a fist drawn in your face type at the least provocation. thank goodness for zyprexa during that time. i would give any med to subdue rather than go thru that. please if you are under physical or verbal abuse remember from us that have been here, it can escalate in a heartbeat! take precautions now and have a medication rx'd that you have on hand and can maintain control if needed. and try to remember this person (demon) you are dealing with is no longer able to control their actions and unable to reason. Divvi

Thanks Divvi.....My husband had a traumatic brain injury 28 yrs ago, so the insults and verbal abuse have been around for a while. It is only recently that it has escalated to his restraining me, to keep me from walking away from his rants. I have used that method of defusing things for a long time and it obviously isn't going to work any longer. So many of my friends and family are focused on the person with the disease, understandably, but as the spouse receiving the abuse, it is a very alone feeling. Again, thank goodness for this forum and Joan.

Nikki..... thanks for the e-mail offer. How do I get to the profiles?