Joan has described in some recent blogs about how Sid feels like a prisoner serving a life sentence. My DH says the same thing. Once or twice he has mentioned feeling like a hostage. Oh yea, I'm intentionally treating him this way (no driving, etc.) for the reward.....I think not.
When my husband was hospitalized he thought he was in prison. I could not console him with the fact that he had done nothing wrong. He has always been a model citizen and was so distraught I thought I would die.
When my mother was in the last stages of a terminal disease (not dementia), she had dementia-like symptoms. She was convinced that we were holding her hostage because we wouldn’t let her leave her apartment. We wouldn’t let her leave because she was so frail sometimes she would just fall over even while seated. She tried to outsmart all the people who were caring for her—and keeping her trapped, she thought. She made notes saying she was being held hostage, and dropped them out the windows. Sure enough, one day the police came to the door because of the notes. Fortunately the doctor and the people from hospice got called, and they explained the situation to the police. She died about two weeks later.
This happened years before DH was diagnosed, but I had flashbacks of it after the diagnosis.
many years ago,during the iranian hostage situation, I was taking care of MIL w./AD. I was at work and 20 year old dau (and a very up tight young lady) was with MIL while hubby and I were at work. MIL who usually did not know what state she was in, let alone city, address, phone called the local PD and told them we were holding her hostage. Dau was in complete panic and called me. I told her when the police arrived to have them call me. About 10 minutes later she called to report the police had called the house back, in quired about her age, and then asked if "grandma" lived with us and was she getting a little "funny". Dau acknowledged she was and the nice policeman said, have a nice day and hung up. MIL sat with hat and coat for the next 4 hours, then announced apparently her sister had forgot to pick her up for lunch, she put her things away and took a nap! Funny after the fact, but not at the time. Hope you all enjoy that little story patricfa
My DH tells me he is a prisoner, too. He can't be independent but wants that aspect of his life back. It's been this way since he was forced to stop driving. I quess I can't blame him. I probably would feel like a prisoner a well.
My DH sometimes gets antsy and wants to "go." Lately, its "the Mafia," "those guys that are coming." "What guys are they?" I ask. He says, "you know, you'll see." I do what I can to reassure him that nobody is after us, nobody is coming, then he says "you'll be sorry. Keeping me locked up here. Why are you so mean to me?" Often he will demand I get the keys (car) and get going, and when I refuse he continuously walks up and down the steps from the house to driveway numerous times. He will open the car doors, sit in the driver seat, and usually comes right back in. Yesterday I was doing dishes as he was doing this routine, and after a couple minutes I thought he should have been back already. Well, I went to check and he wasn't sitting in any of the cars. Found him next door knocking on the neighbors door (they were not home). It is about 100 yards from our driveway to the neighbors, and rarely does DH walk that much because his knees are so bad. The big deal about him doing this yesterday is that it was freezing cold, and we have snow right now. Really caught me off guard that he did this. For quite a while, it is *I* who is constantly saying I feel like a prisoner in this house. A prisoner to his disease.
If I had a nickel for every time DW told me she felt like a prisoner I think I could pay for doubling Dementia research. There have been frequent posts on this board about how our ALZ spouse is able to act "more normal" when around other people to the point that those other people don't think there is anything wrong......it must be you. I believe the reason this happens is because the spouse has a sense of freedom when around other folks. Since virtually all of their time is spent only with us, who are charged with setting boundaries and keeping them safe, they view us as the prison guards and, as such, don't like us. I would probably feel the same way..... but it still wears on me. Thenneck
Well, my husband IS a prisoner. I have key lock dead bolts so that he can't leave the house without us. He tries the doorknobs to the front and back doors many times during the day, and then will sit back down. When we go anywhere, we take him with us, so he does get out every day, only when WE want, not when he wants. (Which is in the rain and cold to pick up leaves!) Better here at home than in a NH. I keep telling myself that even though last night he woke up at 1:45 a.m., put on his clothes and wanted to get up. I put on a favorite movie and asked him to lie down and watch it. He did, about 30 minutes later. But he didn't go back to sleep except to doze for 10 or 15 minutes four or five times. I gave up at 5:30 and got up. I guess I managed 3 hours sleep last night. I am trying NOT to have to sedate him so I can sleep, but if he keeps this up for more than two nights in a row, I may give in. So far, it's just once in a while. This is so hard. Trying to do the right thing for them.
I had the same issues with DH walking out to the car pulling handles and getting in when it was unlocked. found him on more than one occasion walking up the road saying he was going to 'hitchike" home-then he wouldnt budge to come back in. it can be quite devastating if they wont get into the car and keep on walking with traffic wizzing by..sigh..just remembering those times, wears me out-the 'go home' issues were beyond dispair for me.. so i opted for keyed dead bolts on front doors to keep him in and safe. he does pull on the doors still to test them:) but like mary we get out everyday and loves his outings in the car. daily drives seem to appease his desire to get out so far-it is very hard to make the right decisions to keep them safe and in the best health and care we can. Divvi
I haven't done the dead bolt thing. Right now he still knows how to use a key. Came home yesterday from the mailbox saying that the key wouldn't turn. When I went out with him, he was right. The mailboxes are locked shut from the ice storm on Friday night. So he didn't lose the ability to open a door with a key yet.
When the time comes, although I'm scared to use those keyed bolts because of the fire hazard, I'll do it anyway. I've already got a great locksmith who did work for me to make sure all the doors were keyed the same. I'll use him again and get everything keyed the same, but with a new key so the old ones don't work.
Starling, all of ours are keyed identically as well. We all keep our keys on our bodies at all times, so that in case of emergencies, we can get out. I don't recommend giving him a key that doesn't work because he will try to fit it into the lock and may break it off in the cylinder. I had to hide my husband's house key (that works on the doorknobs from the outside of the house) because he was beginning to damage the keyhole by constantly trying to open it with the wrong key. They just try for a minute to turn the handles, and then go do something else.
Thats true they can damage the new key entry with an old key. my DH did the same thing trying to get any key he could find into the locks. even a knife and screwdriver:)when that didnt work he actually stripped the doorknob by turning it soo hard and many times i had to replace the whole contraption. he literally turned the knob off the door and then began taking the insides of the door off..then i couldnt open the door from the inside. when they want to be hooligans they certainly seem to be able to find the talent:) thats been a couple of yrs ago when i first bolted the door. now hes fine with it and just giggles handles for 'testing'. even so, god forbid someone leaves the door unlocked. hes gone in a flash.haha. Divvi
marygail, great idea! Were not there yet but I know MIL had issues with FIL and had everything locked up tighter than a drum. Thanks for a great idea. Rk
my husband tells me all the time he feels like a prisoner.Every morning & night he asks me whats happening for the day & i tell him we are doing the washing or housework or it might be the day i work he looks at me & says BORING as if its up to me to make his life one big ball of fun. I hate this disease