My LO is in the early stages of AD - memory loss but more change in behavior, quick mood swings, anger, etc. He has no responsibility except reading his books and playing solitaire on the computer. I can't get him interested in anything - he has no friends - his answer to everything is no.
Last night I was hanging a shower curtain I had just washed - no problem, don't expect him to do these things. He jumps up, gets between me and the curtain, pushed me very hard so I fell back out of the bathroom - I didn't hit the floor but was scrambling. I got up and went back to "finish or help" with the curtain and he pushed me again, hard. Just a second before that he was reading and calm, but now hollering, cussing, blaming me, telling me I put him down all the time. I don't because I don't want to get him upset like this.
I went into my room, closed the door and called the AD help line. They told me to call 911 if he hadn't calmed down or if he did it again to call 911. He was in him room, mad, but I left him alone. This morning he went out around 7 AM = walking, he isn't supposed to drive anymore. No note, no call - I called his cell and he didn't answer.
So for the first time I called 911 and explained the situation to them. I told him where I thought he might be headed - they found him at the library. The police called and said that my LO was there and said he would be home this afternoon. I had to go out around noon for an appointment and when I came home, there was a note saying how sorry he is, but no sight of him.
It is now 8 PM and very dark outside. I know he has AD, but I feel like he is playing games with me. I don't seem to have as much care and compassion right now as many of you seem to have. I am not calling the police again as they must have thought he was fine or else they would have brought him home - which is what I thought they would do. He doesn't wander - this is on purpose.
I went to my therapist today and she told me that I had to put myself first and take care of me - so I guess that is why I am not in a "worry stew". This is all so stupid and a total waste of time. But I guess the process builds charachter. I have been working so hard in having a very quiet non challenging holiday for him where he would not loose his temper. I had made something special for him today in the crock pot. She also told me that even though he is very high functioning in most areas, that he can't live at home since he has started being violent - this is the fourth time in 6 months - new behavior. She suggested an ALF since he is able to care for himself.
I will call his doctor tomorrow as she had suggested Depakote the last time we were in if this behavior continued. I was reluctant to have him take it as he takes so many meds already and thought that maybe it wouldn't happen again. Looks like I am the one with the problem thinking straight. He also is on Lexapro, Namenda, Aricept plus his heart meds. I am concerned that the Depakote will make him like a zombie, but I guess that is better than getting pushed around.
Thank you for listening. God bless all of you courageous, strong, caring folks - you keep me going.
dagma-this is one of the very few times when I wish could email you directly because what I am about to say may be upsetting. My husband was high functioning FTD and I was walking on eggs all the time. He once took off in his car and went missing for over 24 hours-police found him far away but safe. Things were escalating. I let him self destruct to the point where police were called and he was taken away in handcuffs. He became very violent on a psych unit and I brought him home because I thought he would be better under my care. Very big mistake. Things got much worse and after escaping from two locked facilities he is now end stage with Hospice in a dementia facility. Joaan has my e-mail if you need me. Nora
Dagma, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have not had violence and mood swings. That is something I would not put up with. I would have to place him to keep my own sanity. Be very careful and try to stay out of his way until you get things safe for you. I am sure others will be along shortly to give you words of wisdom. Take care.
My husband was put on Depakote two weeks ago. I did have to cut the dosage back a little after the first week as it was too sedating but the dose I am giving him has seemed to help. He also takes Seroquel. He isn't "violent" but he likes to slap my arm or shoulder to get attention or if I don't understand what he wants (he can't speak) and he seemed to be in a constant state of agitation until starting the Depakote
Dagma, is your LO home now? I do not know where you live, but I hope he has a real nice jacket on since most of the nation is in a cold spell. I wanted to tell you that Depakote is working wonders for my DH. Might be worth a try.
Thanks for all of your support - and yes, Bluedaze - this is MUCH more serious than I thought. It is very sobering to me. And no, he isn't home tonight but we live in Tampa so I am sure he is comfortable wherever he is. I am going to have the locks changed on the house tomorrow and not give him a key so I won't be "surprised" when he does this again. The violence is new, but the leaving isn't. When he was driving, he would leave for several hours, several days or several weeks without my knowing where he was until afterwards. Somehow he thinks I can track him on the computer - he only has one credit card and I don't get that one on my computer = and the limit is low . He has tried to increase it, but the Credit Union wouldn't let him do it. We have excellent credit, but he had some "scheme" that he was trying to get them to agree to and they turned him down. Thanks all of you for being there - this was a living hell until I found this website.Also, I have a credit watch with Bank America and they email me instantly of any activity on any of our accounts. This all sounds like a very bad spy novel.
Dagma ........ is there anyone you can call to come and be with you while you're going through this dreadful situation?
I know nothing of violence as it relates to the AZ patient, however, I am well tuned into violence as it pertains to the psych patient (having worked acute care psychiatry for years) and sometimes there is just a wee fine line between an AZ patient and a psych patient. My husband is exactly the opposite - so much so that I sometimes fool myself into thinking he really is okay and doesn't have AZ but ........ I know better and have been on this journey since 2003 and increasingly having to do more and more for him every day.
My concern for you is for your own well being .... not necessarily mentally as you sound strong but definitely physically ...... you are, most likely, unable to defend yourself from your husbands blows ..... did you tell the Police he had got violent with you? 4 times in 6 months 4 times too many Dagma ...... NO care giver is expected to deflect the blows of an enraged AZ patient ..... please call the Police again, explain your husband did come home but has taken off again and you don't know where he is. I might be a little afraid for his own welfare given the spate of bad weather across the country at the moment.
You say ....... "He doesn't wander - this is on purpose." ......... as harsh a question as this is ....... is there any possibility your husband could suicide? Please call the Police again - I know they don't have the vested interest in your husband that you do but it is their job to give you the assistance you need in the time of crisis.
dagma-I also live in Florida. When the police were camped out in my house I came up with the idea of contacting our credit card company, the police got on the line and told them they needed to know as soon as any charges showed up so we would know where he was ASAP. It was like a very bad novel. It didn't have a happy ending. Bar-bra is right about letting the police know the situation. An earlier time he went off the wall and I called 911. He intercepted the call but the police came out anyway. Husband convinced them that it was a domestic argument and they left. Don't put yourself in that situation. This is reopening wounds for me that I don't want to remember.
I also called the police during my husband's one violent episode. And I'd do it again. What the Alzheimer's Association told me was to call 911 if it happened again and ask to have someone come to take him to the hospital. Frankly, if they find him this time, that is what needs to be done.
Dagma, please do take care of yourself. Choose to survive this miserable disease.
Wait a minute! Dagma, do you have your legal stuff in order? Might it be better to get him on Depakote, zonk him out a bit, get him calmed down if possible, do the legal things when he's in a compliant mood.. This is a pattern for him, over many years, presumably before the AZ started, and you've lived with it for a while. Is the assaulting new? Get rid of guns, try to get him to stop driving.. give it a LITTLE bit, and BE SURE YOU HAVE THE POAs etc in order..
Thank you again for all of your concern. We don't have any guns, when he was diagnosed at first with MCI, we went to an Elders Affairs attorney and I have everything set up in that direction. He has always been adamant that he isn't sucidal but..........I also have a background in mental health working with inpatient chonic patients as well as out patient therapy. But, for this situation and his dynamics, I certainly am not objective. With your urgings, I am going to call the police now. Thank you so much.
Wow! Dagma, first of all I'm very sorry for the angst you have due to this recent behavior of your DH. All over this forum today I'm reading things about bursts of anger, either completely new, or returns of old behaviors. A good many of them have to do with Alcohol, and many don't. And all over these pages of various threads are posts by myself about the struggles we had in our marriage due to alcohol, and past bad behaviors. DH's family has a history of manic depression, and though DH was never diagnosed with it my many SIL's (DH had 7 bros.) all said he displayed the same signs their DH's had. 4 of the 8 boys were diagnosed with manic disorders. And every one of them drank to some degree.
Not long after our marriage DH, who was always a social drinker became what I call a very functional drunk. Exec. job for major corp. Lots of business lunches, and some just lunches with the coworkers in his dept. I was invited to many of the lunches, and believe me, they could all put a few away at lunch and go right back to working multimillion dollar contracts. It wasn't too long before I was realizing it wasn't very fun any more. DH would want to have his drinks as soon as he got home. His "right to unwind" before dinner. Weekends he'd have a drink (tumbler....size of 3 in a bar, but to him counted as just one drink), starting no later than noon. He had irradic outbursts, but denied any recall of them later. So, my bringing up any concern with him was seen as "trying to make trouble where there wasn't any." He got mad at me once, and determined it "had to be my sons fault that I was mad" so he went up to him a punched my son in the mouth, completely unprovoked. I sent my son to stay with my sister while DH was given ultimatums. No drinking, and go to counselling. Well, these things work very briefly. Next thing ya know he grabbed me by the throat when I asked him why he was letting MY uncle climb a ladder at our house while my uncle was having a few beers himself. I told him the liability worried me. For the first time he grabbed me by the throat. And he squeezed. I scrambled to our bedroom and locked the door. He begged forgiveness. Next morning he keeps asking what he can do to show how sorry he was, and within minutes he denied he had grabbed my neck. Well then WHAT THE HECK WAS HE TRYING TO MAKE UP TO ME FOR? I eventually begrudgingly gave a pass. I would have lost my home if we split cuz I couldn't handle the mortgage and my 3 kids. I tried to believe it wouldn't happen again. But the drinking didn't stop after work and on weekends. Seven months later he was drinking heavy following a day of heavy drinking with his brother. He spent alot of the afternoon with my younger son (then 5) sitting with him. He wasn't letting him go out side with me, feeling threatened that I was trying to take his son away (irrational). Boom, he attacked me! Choked, hit in the back, ribs, threatened to be struck over the head with a metal chair, and thrown out of the house. I ran to the neighbor and he tried to follow. Neighbor let me in and I explained what had just happened. THEY called police. In Calif. they do NOT leave it up to the spouse/partner to file charges. The police report it as a domestic violence call, and the DA presses charges. DH meanwhile was removed from the home but not arrested. Why? He told them I had been drinking too....NOT!!!!! But, the did give me an EPO. He went to his brothers. SIL called me and asked what happened. THEY took him to a rehab facility and got him to consent to admission. I filed for divorce, but for the kids sake I attended the "Family meeting" day at the facility. I wouldn't agree to stop proceedings, but did agree to allow restricted visits with the kids while he went to live at an outpatient sober living home. It also allowed him to avert a jail sentence. Yup! He got a misdemeanor battery charge on his record, and had to attend specified numbers of meeting (AA), plus had to do community service.
He didn't drink again after that, and he became so loving, so healthy, and so determined to show me he would never screw up again. I withdrew petition for divorce. After 6 months in the sober living home he was allowed to come home. A nice reconciliation, and our minister became a much greater presence in our lives during that whole process. Within 3 years however, he was denying ever having been "an alcoholic" and also denying that he ever hit me. What a kick in the gut. I felt he had lied, duped me with all the sincere, sweet apologies just to get back into the house and avoid the divorce. My counseller had told me that even though an alcoholic might stop drinking, much of their drinking behavior/personality returns. I guess repeating that over and over in my head lead me to believe that his beligerence, and even some forgetfulness was "normal" under the circumstances. I didn't recognize that dementia was truly beginning to show. We had 10 years of HELL, followed by 1 wonderful, sober year. And 2 more still sober good years with a gradual personality slide backward. We moved during that time, out of state, to a rural town for a simpler life, and a brand new lease on life. Away from the bad memories, kind of like starting all over with a whole new bunch of friends and neighbors. HAH! He hasn't made friends here. We've been here 8 years now. His two friends are by association only. One is the neighbor, and the other is one of my younger sons friends fathers who we now only see/hear from about once a year. He became unsociable, and gradually gave up hobbies using arthritis as an excuse. But......he didn't return to drinking hard liquor. A champagne or a beer at weddings, but very controlled by me. Now he brags that he hasn't drank in years, "Never drank much." Hah! 4.5 years after moving here to "my dream place" he is diagnosed with full fledged "Alzheimer's Disease with an Alcoholic syndrome as probable contributing cause."
So, I spend an awful lot of my days lately just wondering what my life would have been like had I gotten out of this while I could. True, I will always wonder.
The police came - were very nice, took the report and then asked me if they could look around. My LO work van sits in the front side yard. The battery has been dead for a while. Guess what, he was sleeping in the van - he had a blanket and pillows. The police talked to him and he told them that he didn't want to talk to me because I was mad with him. So, I feel foolish and cautious. I had looked all in the yard in the bushes - but I never thought to look in his van. Heavens knows what the neighbors think but I guess I can't worry about that. I am going into my bedroom with my phones and will push the dressers up against the doors - the bedroom also has an outside door and two windows - it is a one story house. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I feel so bad that my husband is sleeping in such a situation, but his mind is just so sick. The police kept telling me that he was so coherent. He also suggested alternative living arrangements. At this point I am thinking of an ALF. I will call his doctors tomorrow to get the Depakote. Thank you for your help. If I hadn't called the police and I "found" him out there by accident I would be terrified. At least he knows that I will call the police and they got here very quickly. Thank all of you for your suggestions and support.
Eek! I realized that much of what I put in my very long winded post(s) on this thread I intended to reply to Terry too.....so I will repost it there as well.
Dagma3, I am so glad that you have some degree of peace that you know where your DH is, and that you are taking some steps tonight to be safe. That is so heartbreaking to know the potential "changes" that come and go.
Re depakote, yes they will ask you to give it a chance. It works well for some, not for others. After two weeks on it my DH was still delusional, easily angered, and the doc encouraged me to keep going a little longer. We went 30 days and it was NOT helping at all. Then we were told to try Klonipin, but after just a few days it was even worse. He was then given Risperdal and the whole world changed. We had peace again. My only saving grace here is my DH has been very cooperative with medications.
Dagma, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Dagma3 ....... THANK YOU for having the courage to call the Police - please don't feel foolish - you did what you had to do and don't worry about what the neighbor's will think ........ it matters not what anyone thinks at the moment, what matters is you have now started the ball rolling to get some definitive help for this situation and have also let it be known you were/are living in a very precarious situation. You are wise to barricade yourself in your bedroom although I'm sure sleep will not come easily to you tonight other than through sheer exhaustion from the day's events.
Dagma, so sorry and worried for you as well. you are living the worst scenario of living with AD. the violence will return unchecked. get him on the depakote asap and if you see its not working call the dr and discuss other possibilities. like others say dialing 911 is for your best interest, when a dementia patient goes off they dont know what they do and can become quite pscyopathic. i also agree its time to move him to another place to live and let them iron out the medications and living arrangements so you dont have to live in fear. keep us updated, we will all worry for you, Divvi
Dagma, you were absolutely right to call the police. It is also wonderful that they thought of looking in places you hadn't thought to look in. They have experience you don't have, so they thought of things you haven't thought about. And frankly, he wouldn't have done well out there in the Van all night.
After my own experience with calling the police, I realized that one of the pluses in doing so was that if something bad happened to me they would know why because they had records, and if I needed to call them again they would come fast because they knew the situation was a bad one.
Do come back and let us know what is happening to you. We care.
Dagma, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Your journey is a rough one now. Take care of yourself. Bar-bra, Divvi and Starling have expressed my sentiments as well, so I won't repeat them. Keep us updated or we'll worry.
He did sleep in the van this until this morning. Our security system has a feature that sets the alarm off immediately no matter which door was opened and I used that last night so I wouldn't have any surprises. The regular alarm sets a warning and time to shut it off, but the immediate one helped give me peace of mind last night.
He came in this morning, a little ugly - I think mostly ashamed but wanting to blame me. I let him talk for just a minute or two and then told him that I had some things that he needed to know. I was very matter of fact, I told him about all of you and your urgings to call the police. I told him that this is no longer just between the two of us but this host of strangers - doctors, police, etc, that are now in our lives and I am legally responsible for his care and well being. I told him that when he did this again - I did not say if - that I would follow the same procedures except that he would be going to an ALF and that his doctor needed to be notified today in order to get the RX, which we have done. Thanks for the suggestions of the other ones in case this doesn't work.
He cried, was very remorseful - usual pattern. I know he is sorry but that demon AD is waiting, lurking for the next opportunity. The police were going to search my house to be sure that he wasn't hiding somewhere and would "surprise" me. I did have that thought and it was unsettling. I almost went to a motel before we found he was in the van. My heart stood still when the other police asked if he was alive.
He keeps apologizing - the last time he did this he went out and tried to buy me a new Mercedez but he got so ugly with them because they wouldn't agree with his "terms" that they asked him to leave and said they would not sell him a car. We don't have the money for that, anyhow.
I don't know how many new best friends I have out there in all of you, but thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me think straight and not cover it up and hope it doesn't happen again. I know now it will hjappen and will be worse. All of you helped me be the strong WOMAN that I am and not the pleading little girl I have used in the past that just doesn't work.
I am learning new skills - I can move big chests of drawers in a hurry. Also, it is so sad that the public just doesn't know about AD. The police kept telling me that he was so coherent. They kept asking me if I was sure he had been diagnosed with AD - I had his stack of records on my lap to show them the volume of them. A tip for others - fortunately I did have a current picture of him - total body picture. I quickly made copies and gave them one and to have them in my stack of folders for the next time. What an education. What credentials do we get to have after our signature when this is done.
About alcohol, we used to do the cocktail party bit years ago when he was in the military, but when he got out, we just don't drink. But his behavior sure smacks of an alcoholic's behavior - denial, blaming, "forgetting".
Thank you again.My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. I know this lull is temporary and I am doing everything I can to build my "fort" and stack my ammunition and gather my armor during this time.
dagma-you're doing just fine. Another suggestion=photocopy your husband's drivers' license and insurance declaration page. When my husband went missing the police said that really helped. Having a picture and tag number was great. How many of us know our tag #'s. Doesn't help if the registration papers are in the glove box and you don't know where the car is.
PS New Realm - I so appreciated your post - it helped me clarify my thoughts as I was reading your tragic story. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this. God bless.
Dagma, its such a relief to hear a member understand what the rest of us are saying for their safety. with AD there just isnt any reasoning or excuses that will irradicate the next behaviour. and yes you are right to admit til the next time. we all know how AD works, it goes in one ear and out the other without the ability to retain anything said or promised. i am so glad you have taken the bulls by the horn like we say in Tx:) and butting the demon headon. its the only way for your sanity and future journey. using this collective thinking process of handson experiences and knowledge that everyone here contributes is such a godsend to those who are at wits end with the new pressures that come with each day. thankfully you have taken the warning signs to heart and know that anything offered here is for your own good. its my opinion that unless you and the drs can come to an agreement on his plan for care with the aggression then you should begin thinking of yourself and how to get him into the Assisted living as soon as possible. you shouldnt and must not live in fear. its just not right but i understand your need to iron out the plan. again, your emotional and internal strength is good to see. my best and take care, Divvi
Dagma, be sure to keep a cell phone with you all the time, and be sure it's fully charged. If you run into another problem with your husband and have to barricade yourself in another room, you need to be able to call for help.
dagma - My heart goes out to you and I agree with divvi, it is great that you are thinking ahead and being aware of things that may pop up again at any time. You have a great attitude and I applaud you. I am so thankful I am not having to deal with what you are dealing with.
Dagma, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Fortunately, I don't have this problem, but Sunshyne is right. Always keep a cell phone with you - I do everyday every minute, inside and outside the house. I charge it while he is sleeping - and I also have a "spare" one always charged. (his, that he can't use anymore).
I was told that you can call 911 for free even from old cell phones that arent assoc with a calling plan..i think even maybe if they arent charged for calls they still send 911..havent tested it but heard this some time ago..thats why they are asking for donations for recycled cell phones to give to underpriveleged for emergency use without charge.. divvi
dagma - I agree with divvi and several other posts on this one. The fact that you are barricading your bedroom door says that you do not feel safe with him in the house and it is time to make a change. Medication may or may not do the trick to improve the home situation.
Loving someone and caring for them does not mean that you actually have to be the person doing the hands on caring. Sometimes that is not the best choice for you or your loved one.
My husband got aggressive when he was in a facility. Looking back (hindsight always being 20/20), I can see that I should have been looking for a better fit place for him when I started seeing fear in the aids eyes when it came to dealing with him.
You will be in my prayers as you go through these very difficult choices.
Thanks again - we will start the meds tomorrow - and see what it does - I don't expect a miracle and I do watch his actions pretty closely so I will be observing any changes. I think I told yall that my career was in mental health working with chronic mental patients. I thought I had retired. I think that God was just preparing me for this.
While that has give me knowledge of how to observe behaviors, I certainly cannot be objective about him and have appreciated all of the suggestions that you have made - and so far I am following them. They are my marching orders.
Re cell phone, I keep mine with me. I have an extra battery that I keep charged just in case. I know this isn't the end of this but we have turned a corner to a very dark dangerous road. I do have places to go and may do that next.
The pattern in the past after one of these events is that he is very quiet and calm and sorry - but AD is up there and we never know what and when it will do its dirty deed. Since I worked with potentially violent patients, we always had security measures set up - like being closer to the door than the patient - so my mind works in that direction normally.
I did know that he was upset about my hanging the shower curtain for some reason but I needed it hung - it had nothing to do with him, but I knew I was pushing it. I will be more careful and not do things that annoy him until...........
Thank all of you again - I feel like that commercial for one of the cell phones that shows all of the support and people that are behind that company. I think of all of you like that as my support - I don't believe the cell phone ad however.
I felt that I handled this situation better for me - usually I am so distraught, worried, a mess. I didn't like what was happening, but I didn't go to pieces like I do usually. But, I am exhausted and several days now have been wasted to this. I had planned to start my tennis again, but just couldn't make myself get out there I am so tired. Does that happen to anyone else. It seems I did so little other than talking to people and moving furniture around. I don't know how our leader does it with all that she has on her plate. She needs to give us time management lessons. Thanks and many blessings and peace to all of you and your families.
dagma3 if this happens again and I'm sure it will, at least it did for me please tell the police to take him to the hospital where they can evaluate him . That will get him away from you and start him on some correct meds for him . You can not live in fear. Your LO does not know this is happening and probably would never threaten you in this mannner if were not for this terrible disease. I'm praying for you and yours
I'm thankful that for the moment things seem calmer, Dagma3. Just makes me even more thankful for this site and the friends here. It helps to hear levelheadedness in the midst of a storm. It helps to hear truth from enough sources that we can not ignore. If we are calling 911 at all.. thats a mighty strong clue. It might be easy to relax during this calm phase and not follow through with the wise nudgings of those who KNOW best. I just urge you to stay motivated and encouraged to continue. Particularly, now that DH knows what may be next for him..Not sure how he will be thinking about those things after the dust settles. It could provoke him again. I'm suggesting this based on experiences here as well, with anger and seething fury that erupts for 'no reason'. Scary but so far not physical. I have an escape plan but am usually caught off guard by eruptions. So I'm saying these things to myself as well. We also try to keep things 'calm' if possible. Certainly will be thinking of you.
Thanks again. It is all very sobering. I think he has come to the realization of how serious his condition is. He says that he knows the seriousness of what he did and he can't believe he would ever do that. He said that to me before I could say it to him. I am not lulled into any denial - just the reality of what this awful AD is. I am being kind but keeping my distance - as he is as well. I am so glad that I planned to keep this Holiday very quiet without all of the things that we usually do. We are seeing the neurologist tomorrow and I am going to get her to write a letter stating what needs to be known by others - police, ER, etc. I am going to draft it for her today to be sure it includes what I think should be in there. I am going to get her to focus on the potential for violence as opposed to him being coherent, which seemed to be the feature that the police were looking for. Again, thank all of you for being my support. I feel like I have an army of warriors holding me up. God bless.
Dagma, there is no way to know what will annoy a dementia patient. There is no way you can avoid annoying them.
My husband is mostly pretty calm, but every once in a while, I'll set him off. I have no way of knowing in advance what that thing will be. And whatever it is won't be something logical. I'm lucky in that he doesn't get violent. Just very quiet once he lets me know, verbally, that something has made him upset.
Please understand that his getting upset with you hanging a shower curtain has nothing to do with you, or with the fact that you were hanging a shower curtain.
This past spring, I got a temp. guardianship (internet scammer + AD = baaaaaaaaad), till the permanent could be obtained. When my DH was served with papers notifying him of this (with no warning), he blew his lid (as expected). My DS (grad student living with us) and I knew the exact time when this would happen and had cell phones at the ready. When DH went to grab some papers from us, he gave us both a slight push. That was enough of a signal to call 911.
He then grabbed his packed suitcase (for meeting internet scammer and running away with her....) and headed out the door. He went to start the car and discovered it wouldn't start (we had exchanged his working key for one without security code so it unlocked car but wouldn't start it) and started walking down the street.
My DS has the pleasure of describing his dad to the police. He also used the phrase "domestic violence" rather than dementia, figuring it would be easier and get attention sooner. When asked about an ambulance, he said to send it also. DH was intercepted at end of street, handcuffed, and questioned while another officer came to the house to talk to us. Since there was witnessed "violence" they said he could be arrested. We said he needed psych hospital, not jail, and DH said he wanted to see his dr., so they transported him to psych er.
Like a lot of things with AD, it wasn't fun, was neccessary and we both slept so well that night. Would do it again in a heartbeat. It was necessary for all of us.
PatB
p.s. we could put this in the "things I wished I'd known in stage 2 or 3", but it just might scare a few newcomers.
It doesn't matter if it would scare them or not. Maybe it would scare them safe. Because if someone here hadn't mentioned calling the police I wouldn't have done it. And I KNOW that even though it was only one time, calling them was the smartest thing I ever did.
Somehow I knew someone would say it should go in that post regardless of scaring newcomers. And you are right Starling, it does help to know that calling the police is sometimes necessary and the right thing to do. This disease has waaaaay too many scary things.
Call the Police if: Your LO takes off--you don't know where--------------He doesn't either. Your LO becomes threatening to the point of violence----------------He has no control and doesn't know what he's doing Tell the Police your LO's Dx and that (s)he needs to go to the hospital.
You can't be a good caregiver when you're afraid or endangered. I've been told by the Police, they'd rather retrieve a wanderer and bring them home or to the hospital than to deal with a "Silver Alert" or accident. They'd rather take a ADLO to the hospital than to deal with a major domestic violence because of AD.
As caregivers we can feel very bad about our LO's condition and circumstances, but WE CANNOT let those feelings make our decisions in caring for them. We have to be strong and make the hard decisions and we have to be smart enough to keep ourselves safe so we can.
Carol, That is a great way to express the situations when you need to call police. For someone who hasn't been in this situation, it is important to know that even in your LO would never have raised a hand to you before AD has nothing to do with how they will behave after AD, and threats to themselves are also to be taken seriously. And all of that pertains to a wife with AD as well has a husband.
And, violence in this situation refers to anything physical, it doesn't have to reach a level you call "violence".
Thanks again- we are now on Depakote - so we will see. I am glad that all of you told me to call the police again. Somehow, I just didn't think that we had issues that were that serious - seemed like that was for other people. But, I am so glad that I did - I don't feel so alone and helpless. Thanks. While it would scare me for it to be on the new board, I think it is very necessary because it is an important "tool" that we need to have in our arsenal, whether we think we will ever need it or not.
dagma, yes, me too. One of the aftereffects was that I knew I was not alone. The police knew, and they came when I needed them. He called back two weeks later to make sure I was OK. He had the ADA call me too, and she left her phone number just in case. I was not alone.
I've had the police worrying about me, and my poor, innocent husband didn't do anything.
I was put on Crestor for high cholesterol before all the reports started coming out that it could cause serious side effects. Long story short, about ten days after starting Crestor, I was trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, when I abruptly lost control of my legs. I crashed face-first into a bureau of drawers and then onto the ceramic tile floor. When I finally came to, I was disoriented and crying, and boy oh boy, did I have a headache! and an absolutely huge lump on the back of my head. My poor husband woke to the sound of my sobbing, and couldn't find me in the dark. He finally located me, and helped me back into bed. He couldn't make any sense of what I was saying (neither could I), and was terrified. (This was before he was diagnosed, but well after I noticed that he had problems.) So, of course, he called 911. Paramedics showed up, didn't like my vital signs, and hauled me to the emergency room. They would not let him ride with me -- he had to drive, and it's a miracle he got there -- he was flying blind due to really bad cataracts, and had never been to that part of town. He just followed the tail lights of the ambulance. One of the paramedics was very concerned about why I was crying in the ambulance, and kept asking me about it. Well, heck, who wouldn't be a little shaky after coming to without any idea what happened, and hurting all over? (Next day, I had bruises all down the right side of my body, a lovely black eye and my neck swollen and black from whiplash.)
Back home the following day, after all the fuss died down, he and I were trying to make sense of what happened. He mentioned that the paramedics had knocked before entering the house. Then a second set of paramedics showed up, and also knocked. Then a couple of police showed up and waltzed right in withOUT knocking, and were looking all around the house. He wondered why they'd been there. I told him they were looking for the baseball bat he'd used to try to bash my brains in. You should have seen the look on his face...
One of the police apparently lives down the street. For a few weeks afterwards, he wandered past and stopped to chat with my husband every now and then. I suspect he was keeping an informal eye on things, but eventually decided I was not a victim of spousal battery or attempted murder, and he didn't need to keep up the surveillance.
Oh Sunshyne, what a horrible experience for both you and your dear husband! Did Crestor really cause that? Have you found something else for high cholesterol that you can safely take?
Sunshyne, if that werent so awful, it would almost be funny - especially about the baseball bat! We have a policeman who has just moved in down the street - gotta get to know him.
Off Topic-but what the heck: My son fell down the basement steps the night before they were to move into their new house. Someone called rescue and that was the first time his new neighbors saw him. His next door neighbor was the police chief. I'll bet they kept an eye on my son for a while. When he came home from the hospital all the neighbors came bringing food.
Vickie, it really was pretty funny. The poor man! He was SO aghast. I got the giggles, which he did not appreciate.
Dazed, I am 100% positive it was the Crestor. The statin drugs (Crestor, Lipitor, etc) are usually very safe, but with ANY med, some people will have adverse reactions. The doctors get so confident about the statins, they forget that and prescribe them like candy. Crestor can cause serious, and permanent, nerve and muscle damage in a tiny percentage of people.
Right after starting it, I started suffering from insomnia. And I do mean suffering -- popping awake at midnight and being totally unable to go back to sleep. Then it was popping awake at 11:30, and then at 11:00, and then at 10:30, and by the time I had my little jaunt to the ER, I was popping awake at 10:00.
I was exhausted. And I was starting to develop tremors in my arms and hands -- bad enough that I could not hold a cup of coffee without spilling it everywhere, couldn't read a piece of paper or book if I was holding it, couldn't write. I thought the shakiness was due to the exhaustion.
I thought the fall was due to the exhaustion, too. But then I started to put the insomnia together with the Crestor, and the shakiness with the insomnia, so then perhaps the link was direct ... ? I asked the nurse in the ER, and she said that was nuts, Crestor is perfectly safe. Nobody could explain why I fell like that, it was "just one of those things." That was a Friday night.
Saturday night, I popped wide awake at 10:00pm again. I was a nervous wreck trying to get to the bathroom, afraid I'd go down again. I walked very carefully and kept close to furniture I could grab. All of a sudden, my legs went weird -- they felt HUGE, and uncontrollable, like dead logs of wood. Down I went, but since I was ready for it this time, I managed to grab the bureau and break the fall. I couldn't get up again for quite a while, but my legs eventually started to belong to me again. (Didn't feel like calling for my husband for help, waking him in the dark again... !)
Sunday, I stopped taking the Crestor, and I called the doctor first thing Monday. Her response: don't be ridiculous, Crestor couldn't cause that. I refused to take it any more, anyway, and within two or three days, all the insomnia and tremors and problems with my legs had cleared up. My husband had been on Lipitor, and it had caused really bad insomnia for him, to the point he wouldn't take it any more.
Now, this is not exactly rock-solid scientific evidence. Still, months later, I started seeing articles in the news about some of the truly horrific side effects the statins can cause. And those patients started out the way I did, but they followed their doctors' recommendations and stayed on the statins, and some of them will never walk again. There were enough anecdotal reports that NIH finally launched a study, which I took part in. I'm lucky that I ignored the doctors and stopped taking the Crestor right away, so I have no permanent damage except, possibly, a slight tremor in my right arm/hand when I'm tired.
Every year, I argue with my (new) doctor about taking Lipitor. She says I'll be fine, that they'll monitor me "closely." ???They monitor liver function something like three weeks after you start. I don't think that's quite close enough for me!!! This year, she finally realized I'm not going to change my mind on the subject, so she decided to prescribe Niacin. I looked up possible side effects, and found out that niacin can cause serious liver damage, and should never be prescribed for anyone who has had jaundice. Guess who's had jaundice... Sigh.
So right now, I'm not taking anything. I am trying to eat even an even healthier diet than I was before.
Sunshyne-do the research first-but have you considered red yeast rice. It is a precursor of the statins so that might not be good either. I won't take statins or the fosamax drugs because terrible side effects are emerging