I posted a year ago about my husband having a violent outburst which followed drinks at a bar. I talked to his dr privately much later and he told DH he MUST quit drinking because of interaction with Aricept and Namenda and would also accelerate destruction of his brain cells. (DH has admitted to drs having had a drinking problem and our "second opinion" neurologist suggested alcohol could be causing dementia. DH stopped drinking then thinking it would reverse. It didn't, and it didn't seem an appropriate diagnosis since he wasn't drinking more than 2-3 drinks a day.

He is 66, diagnosed at 64, symptomatic for at least 3 years, has had two sets of neuro psych tests over the past couple years. Probable Alzheimer's or FTD. The last test showed IQ decline from the 96% to 66% in one year, some areas stable, above average verbal IQ. His worse score is exec functioning at 20% level. But he can still fix my computer, drives well. and sometimes seems fine. A PhD chemist and had a high level job before he retired early because of this.
I moved us across country to a lovely tiny Victorian village in the Ozarks, hoping to reduce his stress. Wanted to be close to live music which DH loves and in a place we could walk to most things. I never thought this would be our downfall. And we love it here. I felt like I was losing him to the drinking/bars scene. I'd go with him esp. at first but then I'd get busy, or else just not want to go out as much, and he'd also stop by bars while out walking.

When the doctor told him to quit, he did (or I thought he did) and I was starting to feel good about our relationship and positive about the time we have left being more quality time.

Then I found out he had started drinking again. He didn't deny it. But we had a fight, the next morning he hit me very hard during an argument. I just shut down emotionally and went to bed depressed for five days. This happened on our first night in our new house. He swore he would never drink again.

Not long after that he just started drinking again, going out on a walk and stopping at a bar. I ignored it. But it happened again the next night - not drunk but altered. Thenwe went to a tour of homes and at one place they had wine. He had a glass. I asked him if he wanted to give it to me. No, he said quite casually. We left there and went to a gallery opening and he had a vodka drink. I felt I had to comment when we got home. I didn't yell or threaten and told him frankly this is beyond my expertise. I had just a couple days before had a tremendous disappointment with my family and he was supportive about that and we talked about spending Christmas just the two of us for the first time ever and making it really lovely. Then this. He seems to totally comprehend . He actually said, "Okay, I'll stop drinking until after Xmas." Sounded like a kid, OR an alcoholic who can't stop and is making deals with himself.. So, I decided to let it lie.

Tonight I found out he's had at least another drink. It's clear he won't be stopping.

My fear is that if he gets to the point of wandering later, he will be so in the habit of going to the bars, that he will wander there. I wanted to keep him home with me as long as possible, that's why I built this house.

I just feel defeated and I have tried so hard with coaches, therapists, groups, books. As if AD wasn't enough of a blow. I'm 57, feel 80. His "real age" according to some site is 30 years YOUNGER than mine! He hasn't gotten violent again with me again. He exploded briefly verbally one night after I know he had had a drink or two, but I stayed calm and it passed.

So....anyone? MissB if you're there and I hope you are as I'd like to know how it has gone for you since your post. DH has also read the two drinks theory that can be helpful and he's using that one to bolster his position, but there are other circumstances here. Or do not they matter? I don't know. He has Neuralgia that both an earlier internist and a neurologist felt was due to alcohol, his own admitted to excess drinking in the past. And the worst thing for me is that I feel I'm losing the time we have when we could enjoy more time together. And I fear for his driving as he'll drive after a drink or two.

I'm confused and haven't a clue what to do. Should I tell his doctor? Should I just let it ride until he gets violent again, but then I don't want to follow up on my ultimatums.

THANK YOU ALL for being here......Terry. My e-mail is booksandspirit@aol.com - would love to hear from MissB and others. I'm more than happy to publish my cell number if anyone ever wants to call - I feel so lost.

My father was an alcoholic and that disease when accompanied by violence is just impossible to live with. One act of violence is one act too many. He's probably a lot stronger than you physically and he could really hurt you badly. I have nothing helpful to tell you but I did want you to know you are being prayed for. Someone on this site will come by and help you out. Blessings!

CLARIFICATION: first thank you all. It's amazing how good it makes me feel just reading your words of concern. I have never felt so alone in my life. I'm afraid I may have given the wrong impression last night. I rewrote my post so many times editing out details as my post was too long so I probably eliminated some important data.

DH doesn't drink a lot. When he drinks I believe it's only a drink or two, at least when I see him drinking. Before his diagnosis I think he usually had a couple glasses of wine a night, not sure how much more than that. Although he must have been drinking more for some period or he wouldn't have admitted to drs that he had had a "drinking problem" for a time. He'll usually order a martini before dinner in a restaurant and maybe wine too. He doesn't binge. I've never ever seen him falling down drunk or exhibit the outrageous behavior one associates with drunkenness. In fact, when he's drinking moderately he's actually more enjoyable to be around, seems happier, wittier, more present, more "normal."

The "violence" has only a couple times been physical, a couple times pushing me, and the last one when he did hit me very hard although although with open hands. (And we were arguing. I won't make that mistake again. I'll not engage in conflict with him at all. I've eliminated most of those already.)It's more often verbal and loud and he shows no concern that our neighbors can hear him yelling "you f...ing btch" at an open door. That mortifies me. And several months ago he had several episodes of slamming and throwing things to the point of damaging cabinetry, etc. HOWEVER, these episodes (as many of you have experienced) also used to happen when he'd get extremely frustrated at not being able to do something and especially in the evening with the sundowning I suppose, drinks or not. Last year once I got in the car and left for a couple days and things improved tremendously after that with regard to the moods, although he was still drinking.

When he hit me that time I told him if he ever hit me again I would call the police, call his doctor and his son from out of state.

Last night after I posted I reread the thread started by MissB and decided it was maybe best to just let it slide as long as he's not drinking to excess and there is no more violence. My concern is the violence and the fear of the future, not that he's consuming alcohol. MissB described her DH as drinking a cocktail or 2 and wine or 2 around dinner. Mine doesn't even drink that much yet so many in that thread seemed to think his drinking was moderate or maybe I misunderstood.

Yes divvi, I've noticed his personality traits have become exaggerated. He's the quiet absent minded professor type, held everything in, but then would blow up and yell.

I just hate to take this to the next level of informing bartenders, etc. because we're new here, making new friends, and he seems so fine so much of the time, especially in public, and many people don't even know. And mostly I hate to rob him of his dignity anymore than he already has been. It would be easier to decide upon a path if he were a falling down embarrassing drunk! I am afraid of the driving particularly as it would be my fault if he hurt anyone. But he doesn't have to drive to drink around here and we don't drive much. WHEW! Well, just wanted to clarify the amount of his drinking.

Look forward to hearing from more of you. I felt so calm last night after I decided to do nothing, but now I'm not sure again.
Terry

Dignity is not something that most AD patients seem to be aware of. Tell people around you of the problem but don't feel it's your fault OR HIS. It just IS. If he's not drinking more than 2-3 drinks, and most of the time there is no tie with violence, I wouldn't worry about it. If you notice that he's violent after drinking, that's different. Try to get him to drink at home and WATER DOWN THE DRINKS, even the wine. I buy the big boxed wine, because we've always, always, for 52 years, had wine with dinner, so I put the evening's wine in a small carafe, but now it's watered down. I can't see that his behavior changes at all as long as he has a glass of that (i.e., half a glass).

Wow! Terry, first of all I'm very sorry for the angst you have due to this recent behavior of your DH. All over this forum today I'm reading things about bursts of anger, either completely new, or returns of old behaviors. A good many of them have to do with Alcohol, and many don't. And all over these pages of various threads are posts by myself about the struggles we had in our marriage due to alcohol, and past bad behaviors. DH's family has a history of manic depression, and though DH was never diagnosed with it my many SIL's (DH had 7 bros.) all said he displayed the same signs their DH's had. 4 of the 8 boys were diagnosed with manic disorders. And every one of them drank to some degree.

I've done some reading that suggests those with manic tendencies do have a greater propensity to develop AD, and often the traditional AD drugs aren't enough. Sometimes an antipsychotic or antidepressant are needed.

Not long after our marriage DH, who was always a social drinker became what I call a very functional drunk. Exec. job for major corp. Lots of business lunches, and some just lunches with the coworkers in his dept. I was invited to many of the lunches, and believe me, they could all put a few away at lunch and go right back to working multimillion dollar contracts. It wasn't too long before I was realizing it wasn't very fun any more. DH would want to have his drinks as soon as he got home. His "right to unwind" before dinner. Weekends he'd have a drink (tumbler....size of 3 in a bar, but to him counted as just one drink), starting no later than noon. He had irradic outbursts, but denied any recall of them later. So, my bringing up any concern with him was seen as "trying to make trouble where there wasn't any." He got mad at me once, and determined it "had to be my sons fault that I was mad" so he went up to him a punched my son in the mouth, completely unprovoked. I sent my son to stay with my sister while DH was given ultimatums. No drinking, and go to counselling. Well, these things work very briefly. Next thing ya know he grabbed me by the throat when I asked him why he was letting MY uncle climb a ladder at our house while my uncle was having a few beers himself. I told him the liability worried me. For the first time he grabbed me by the throat. And he squeezed. I scrambled to our bedroom and locked the door. He begged forgiveness. Next morning he keeps asking what he can do to show how sorry he was, and within minutes he denied he had grabbed my neck. Well then WHAT THE HECK WAS HE TRYING TO MAKE UP TO ME FOR? I eventually begrudgingly gave a pass. I would have lost my home if we split cuz I couldn't handle the mortgage and my 3 kids. I tried to believe it wouldn't happen again. But the drinking didn't stop after work and on weekends. Seven months later he was drinking heavy following a day of heavy drinking with his brother. He spent alot of the afternoon with my younger son (then 5) sitting with him. He wasn't letting him go out side with me, feeling threatened that I was trying to take his son away (irrational). Boom, he attacked me! Choked, hit in the back, ribs, threatened to be struck over the head with a metal chair, and thrown out of the house. I ran to the neighbor and he tried to follow. Neighbor let me in and I explained what had just happened. THEY called police. In Calif. they do NOT leave it up to the spouse/partner to file charges. The police report it as a domestic violence call, and the DA presses charges. DH meanwhile was removed from the home but not arrested. Why? He told them I had been drinking too....NOT!!!!! But, the did give me an EPO. He went to his brothers. SIL called me and asked what happened. THEY took him to a rehab facility and got him to consent to admission. I filed for divorce, but for the kids sake I attended the "Family meeting" day at the facility. I wouldn't agree to stop proceedings, but did agree to allow restricted visits with the kids while he went to live at an outpatient sober living home. It also allowed him to avert a jail sentence. Yup! He got a misdemeanor battery charge on his record, and had to attend specified numbers of meeting (AA), plus had to do community service.

Mawzy has made a very good suggestion, for anyone with an ADLO: notify the police about the diagnosis. That way, if there is ANY sort of trouble, at home or elsewhere, the police are already aware of your loved one's limitations and can handle the situation appropriately. (It doesn't hurt to notify the fire department, either.)

Also, Terry, if nobody mentioned it, you should carry a cell phone with you at all times, even around the house. That way, if your husband does unexpectedly have another session of being aggressive, you can lock yourself in another room and call for help. This is a good idea whether it is the alcohol causing the aggression, or the AD (or FTD) itself -- either way, it may not be predictable.

ttt for mothert