Things I, right now, today, as the caregiver would hate to give up the most would be my computer, crossword puzzles and books. (things). Actually, I could fill a whole page of things I would miss. If I had dementia, these would all go, first. I would imagine driving would head most of the guys list.
Imohr, the things I would hate to give up are my computer (with Internet, of course), books and having my fingernails done every two weeks! I personally prefer my children do the driving on long trips now.
oh my not being able to logg on to computer and to this website would kill me!!! a plus may be i could use excessive shopping online as my obessive compulsive disorder?? divvi driving would be horrible to give up in my case, i have driven since 17yrs old and even both my older husbands liked for me to continue chauffering them which i like..i feel safer driving myself than with others behind the wheel, AD or not! divvi
I live within walking/wheelchair distance from the largest mall in our state, and the grocery, cleaners, drugstore..... and we have sidewalksin between! I've already plotted routes for my motorized wheelchair for 20 years from now <grin>
My husband is constantly asking me - HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE TOOK YOUR DRIVING AWAY?
Just fine, thank you, if I had someone to drive me around. On the other hand, if someone took away my books and my computer, well, that's a different story.
I wouldn't want to give up my freedom of driving, but if I had a 'beck & call' chauffeur I'd say 'great.' I drive to get places, that's it, driving itself is no biggie for me. And the computer--hate to admit it, but I'd hate to give up the research, writing & contact with the world at large & sites like this one.
Well, I haven't driven since last February when due to my eye sight I had 3 incidents happen in one week. All three times it could have been tragic and I just wondered how many times the Good Lord had to 'nudge' me to let me know it was time to give it up. Boy, that was a hard thing to do. I still have a license. I still have a beautiful red car in my garage. The insurance is paid. My common sense tells me it is not the thing for me to do ANY MORE. Dang!
That being really hard, I have two good feet, the bus stops 2 blocks from my home. I'm only a mile from the grocery store, drug store, cleaners, post office and the nail salon. I do my own nails but I have her wax my face once a month. (Don't you just hate to have to do that?)
I don't know what I would do if I had to give up my radio, my books on tape, large print books, my telephone. I do watch TV but get sick of it after a while.
Other than that, life is good and I have no major complaints. (smile)
Ditto what Joan said. I simply loathe driving, always have. But books, now, I couldn't live without 'em. And I've kinda gotten in the habit of surfing the web...
I also have always hated driving. Became a home health nurse and had to drive all over the county. I can walk to most anything but I still value being able to drive further distances whenever I choose. I would hate to lose e-mail and the ability to talk to my family at any hour.
Okay, I think we have some sort of consensus that computer/internet activities would be hard to give up. Now imagine that the roles were reversed -- DH is now the caregiver and DW is the one beginning to have memory and reasoning issues, and DH and others are insisting that it's no longer safe for DW to use the computer/internet -- too many scammers out there trying to trick vulnerable folks into giving up personal info like credit card numbers or bank accounts, and maybe even gerophiles (well, there are pedophiles -- why not gerophiles?) lurking out there and looking for a senior babe to hit on. In your own mind you're certain that you're up to the hazards of Internet surfing, but others disagree for what seem to you ridiculous reasons. Would that be somewhat comparable to insisting that the guy give up driving?
I suspect not, Gourdchipper. The internet is something we love to use, for many reasons ... but I don't think it has to do with identity, or proof of self-worth ... and from what the guys say, driving seems somehow to be intertwined with those.
If I had been able to come up with something like that, I'd have answered your original post. <grin>
I think for many of us, from the time when we were just tiny little things, we were taught that our self-worth is tied to making others happy, taking care of others -- being supportive and nurturing. In short, our self-worth is measured in terms of what we can do to foster a sense of worth in someone else. So then it becomes difficult for me to imagine what aspect of that is taken away from female AD patients on the grounds it is no longer "safe".
Oh, I think I would have - I KNOW I would have a hard time giving up the computer. And yes, it IS a part of my self-worth. I love to drive, too. A few years ago - well, eight - we got a Subaru Outback. My husband drove it a little bit but it's always been my car, and he's mostly happy to be chauffered in it. And I love it. I feel like it's an extension of myself. A year ago I got this mac powerbook, and I feel much the same way with it. A couple of years ago we redid the kitchen, not a big re-do but one to make it more comfortable for me to work in. I would miss it, will miss it if I don't have it, but I can also cook happily in the much smaller, less well eqipped kitchen in the house we spend July in on MOnhegan. Gourdchipper, I think you do have a point there..
Joan, my DH says the same thing.."How would you feel if you couldn't get in the car and go wherever you want to?" You know, I would probably feel just like he does. I wouldn't want to depend on him to take me shopping when I just want to browse or take me to have lunch with a friend. I think driving would be my hardest thing to give up. I've been driving since I was 16 and it really does represent freedom. I think it's the freedom issue for the men too but also for them, it's the identity and self worth. Does anyone else have a husband who dearly loves his truck? It's really sad to see him go start up that old truck, let it run for a few minutes and then turn it off because he knows he can't drive anymore.
Ours isn't old and it doesn't have many miles on it but it is just sitting in our garage. I would like to sell it but that would be too big a thing for him so I just pay Insurance, taxes etc. and let it set. Son in Law takes the trash about 1600" to the road once a week.
I learned to drive late, and chose to give it up early, because I no longer felt safe being my own passenger. It provided a sense of freedom, but it wasn't a vital part of my sense of self. The computer and books would be really hard to give up, but again aren't a part of my self worth. What was hard to give up, and there is still resentment was everything related to the animal rescue I did. I felt as though, in spite of my disability I was making a difference in the lives of the animals I rescued and saw placed and in the ones I committed to having and keeping. It was hard enough giving up my Guinea Pig rescuing and then even the special needs ones I had, but I realized the need because of the creeping onset of what became DH's VaD Dx. Harder still was placing our Beagle, but I couldn't get her completely housebroken and in-home help can't be asked to deal with that. Even then, I wasn't pushed. What hurt and still irks me is having to give up 2 of the rescue cats. At the start of this journey(since Dx) we had 2 older cats and I knew we'd be losing one soon. I didn't want the other left alone so we adopted 2 free-to-good-home 6 week old kittens. 10 weeks later, one of them became very ill (leukemia) and we lost her. She belonged to DH and he immediately had me check with a niece about the new kittens she had. We chose the black & white one, but when I checked the night before we went to get him, I asked if she had them all placed. She still had one she had lined up a home for 3 times and they'd all fallen through. We took her too. That gave us Angela (the oldest)and Luna plus Ashley(from the first adoption effort, and Johnny Cash and Nora(the black & white and the tortouseshell and white)from his niece. They all had their shots and we had all the necessary boxes, etc. It's no harder to do for 5 than for 3. When DH came home from the hospital some things were out of hand, but that wouldf dbe remedied soon. We were being set up with in-home help and I was very firmly pushed into cutting back, no allowance for the turmoil of him being in the hospital putting me behind on things. With the in-home help, I could have gotten things back in shape and I knew the helper was not to be asked or expected to help with the animal care. Instead, I was firmly pushed to cut back--place a couple of the cats. I believe that taking on a pet is a commitment for their lifetime, barring serious crisis. Yet, to have the help, I had to chose. Can't break the commitment to the 2 oldest, that wouldn't be fair. Can't place the one DH adopted. That leaves my 2--Ashley and Nora. I did the best I could and believe they have a good home, but I still feel guilty. The next Fall Angela died. I'd had her just over 13 years. Then in November, through a twist of events I ended up offering to foster a kitten over a weekend, until a rescue could come get her. By the end of the weekend, she had integrated into the household, since DH couldn't leave the bedroom door closed. Sweetie stayed and she's the one who races him to the bedroom or porch and tries to stay with him there. No one has ever said a word about him having her. It has been made abundantly clear, though, that I can no longer have the joy of making that difference, and I am diminished.
awww..Dazed could you take him to the country in his truck and let him have a turn? or is he too bad for that, if so, you take him for a ride every so often in his truck..i know the feeling my DH had a custom painted teal truck a client gave him for his atty fees:) gosh he loved this truck i called it the pimpmobile..well it was so fancy and customized haha..i drove it with him in the copilot seat alot and he enjoyed it but gave me issues about me driving HIS truck so i had to sell it- but it broke my heart knowing how much he loved to drive that thing...Divvi
For 20 years I have been driving my husband (who got to where he did not feel like driving and could come up with 100 reasons not to) in vehicles not of my choosinjg. We had a 350 dual wheeled truck and a conversion van. Folks thought it was funny when all 5 foot of me would exit the drivers seat of one of these beasts., I have now (since the dx) bought a car I actually like to drive - andextension of my personallity>? You tell me - its a red Miata Speed! Now everyone giggles to see the "senior" driving a sports car,m top down,
There's an article in the science section of today's NYTimes by a psychiatrist, talking about stockbrokers he treats. They are for the first time in their lives feeling impotent, loss of self-esteem, etc etc - they don't know what to do!! They feel like an extension of their selves is lost. Just the same as with the driving. Something that very much defined their self-image has been taken away from them! Interesting!
Wow, carosi. I can see why that would have been beyond upsetting. They were, indeed, questioning your worth ... and without justification. That's just heartbreaking.
I do think that's the type of thing Gourdchipper has been trying to get at.
Interesting thing about cats, they go to the person who needs them. We had cats for years. When my MIL had AD and was living with us, the cat sat with her all day long, on the sofa, being petted. After she was gone, my DM was with us, ill with cancer. The cat took care of loving her too. My daughter had ortho problems as a kid and she would sit with her leg up, oops, there 's a cat. and I remember so distinctly, when my first marriage fell apart, laying on the bed crying my eyes out and feeling a paw wrapped around my neck from the back, that big old cat was 'spooning' me. Pets are wonderful. i think maybe that's the thing that would hurt me most to have to give up, if told I couldn't have it anymore. Nowadays we have a small dog who fills my life with love, and thank goodness, he's finally discovered my DH for whom I got the dog in the first place. (grin).
chris r, that's so sweet...your cat trying to comfort you when your marriage fell apart.
carosi, that story is so sad.
Divvi, about DH's truck, actually his doctor said he could still drive...but not in bad weather, not at night, not on long trips and that he had to have someone with him in case he got disoriented. He decided that if he had to have me with him, I might as well do the driving. He really doesn't feel that he should drive anymore. Thank Goodness, he's one of the few who realized that his judgement wasn't as good and his driving was not up to par anymore. He drives his truck out in the field sometimes to pick up limbs, etc. He was pretty depressed for a while but Cymbalta has helped a lot.
Chris, I know. When my mother died I was still living at home, going to college (Rice) and my beloved cat wrapped herself around me all the time, as much as she could. I could cry into her fur.. oh, I would miss cats if I didn't have them!!
I belong to the cat club also and have 4. 3 of them are "mine" - I don't own them they own me and I am "staff" for their needs. At nite I will have all 3 of them either on me or next to me. The fourth one prefers men, not mean to me just indifferent., Husband got so he did not want them around so this cat is attached to me son whom he loves to death.