This topic got started under "Aloneness - engaging in activites without your spouse", and it just took off. Since it is so important, I decided to take all of the posts out of that discussion, and put them under this one, which is appropriately titled.
Because of the way the editing works, each post will have Admin (that's me - administrator) as the one who wrote the post, but I added the correct name in the post. Hope this isn't too confusing, but I wanted this topic to have its own space.
I relate to everything new realm has said. our kid is 14 y/o and his mom has been too busy trying to go to school to be a nurse and working to pay for all medicine that he has lost twice. my husband doesn't care if i get alone time or not. actually, if i'm alone, it's okay. if i go out with friends, it's not. he listens in on my coversations, reads my emails, phone texts, he's convinced i'm having an affair when he's at his worst paranoia. he won't get rid of the gun in his car. i'm just too lazy to capitalize my letters right now, sorry. been up since 4:00 a.m. working. my best friend (who is a GAY man, LOL) wants to take me to shoot pool for an afternoon, enjoy myself, and just relax. DH had fit and will make my life a living hell if i go anywhere with anyone but him or by myself. i resent it and i don't mind being alone. just not isolated. but he's drug me right down into his world. i figure, this is just the way my life has to be.
PLEASE, for the safety of all of you, go into the car when he is asleep, and get rid of that gun. Bring it to the local police station - a gun is not what you need anywhere near your house when your husband is in the midst of AD paranoia.
Talk to your husband's doctor about the paranoia. I know many others who write on this site are dealing with that issue, and meds. may help. If he calms down, that will give you a chance to go out with your friend and relax.
Author pat Yes, I agree Now is not too soon. This might and might not help, We told my husband; he gave the gun to his brother.By the time he realized it was missing, he believed us.
Author medic16 Sorry if I got everyone off topic about the whole gun thing. After this, I won't post here anymore about it. This is supposed to be about marriages, couples, etc. Not my problems with him having a gun. I'll leave my email at bottom. If anyone wants to, they can, and the board can get back to it's intended topic.
For him, it's a control issue. He thinks everyone is trying to control him. I talked to a new friend I made on alz.org and she said to replace the bullets with blanks. I thought that was good idea??? This gun is such a hot button issue for us, I am sure he checks it everyday to make sure it's still there in his car. If I take it, he will know it in a second. His anger scares me. I told him if he loved me enough he would get rid of it. He told me it doesn't have to do with me. That's how I feel about all of this. No one matters but him. He says our son has no right to talk to any of his friends, counselors, etc. about his disease because it's his business. He got angry with me because while I was in school this past semester I took Developmental Psychology with a doctor. She was in practice for 18 years. I asked her if she knew anyone who dealt with teens who had terminal parents. All I want to do is help my son. He said I had no right.
I have a friend conspiring with me for her husband to take my husband deep sea fishing. On that day, I will take the gun and have the bullets replaced with blanks. Hopefully they make them for semi-autos. I would imagine they would. Don't you think this is better than sending him off in a rage over me taking his gun totally? I figure what he doesn't know won't hurt him, won't kill him or us.
And being alone? I would love nothing more than to go off somewhere, where no one knows me, no one needs me, where doctors don't call, and just...breathe.
Author pat medic16 WE NEED EACH OTHER TO VENT NO MATTER WHAT THE TOPIC.AND ESPECIALLY SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS THIS TIME FOR YOU. i KNOW THIS IS A ROUGH TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR SON FOR YOU NEED TO KNOW IT IS THE AD NOT YOUR HUSBAND. THANKS TO JOAN AND OUR GOD THIS SITE IS HERE FOR US. AND I HAVE LEARNED I AM NOT ALONE, I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS BEEN CURSED OUT FOR NOTHING AND HAD TO EXPERIENCE VIOLENT RAGES DIFFERENCE IS MY CHILDREN ARE GROWN BUT THEY SAW THEIR DAD AS NEVER BEFORE IN 30 SOMETHING YEARS. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU GUYS WITH YOUNG CHILDREN . THIS PARANOIA SLACKED DOWN QUITE A BIT . NOT EASY TO BELIEVE RIGHT NOW BUT IT WILL CHANGE UNFORUNATELY AS STAGES CHANGE. I THINK THE BLANKS ARE A GOOD IDEA BUT I THINK SOMETHING ELSE NEEDS TO BE DONE , POSSIBLE MED CHANGE OR INCREASE CONSULT DR. I KNOW I HAD A BIG PROBLEM THERE. SOMETIMES BEING ALONE IS GOOD BUT TO WITHDRAW IS BAD. I KNOW I FIGHT THAT DAILY NEED TO GO, LO IS AWAKE NOW. PLENTY OF HUGS TO YOU AND YOUR SON PAT
Author Sandi Medic16, please don't feel like you can't discuss your issues here...and believe me, you are probably not the only one dealing with a gun issue. Frankly, blanks or not, guns and AD do not mix. If your husband has access to a car and is still driving, what would keep him from getting more "real" ammunition? Plus, even blanks fired at close range could do some damage. I got rid of an old handgun that had belonged to my father in law when my husband was diagnosed. When he asked about it I just told him I didn't have any idea where it was...he must have misplaced it. And, yes, he did rage at me about things all the time...I stole his car, his money, I didn't care about him, I only took care of myself...yaddah, yaddah, yaddah...Goes with the territory....I just tuned it out and went on.
I am not preaching, so please don't be offended, but after 11 years of dealing with the "stuff", I am here to tell you that you are going to have to take control. Don't expect to reason with your husband...his "reasoner" is broken. Get with his doctor and have him evaluated for some medications that will, hopefully, ease some of his paranoia and mellow him out. You are in the hardest part of this disease....and I am here to tell you it will change....and in my opinion gets better. But, that doesn't make the heartache any less painful.
I'm sitting here in tears because you guys have been such a Godsend. Thank you thank you for listening. It's nice to know i'm not alone. I'm so terrified, of everything. Scared of how he'll react. Scared of what he'll do. He tells me he's still working, and still someone who can make decisions and I'm trying to take all that away. Friends of HIS don't understand...they don't even think he's sick. But, they don't see him sitting at dining room table for hours staring into space and then get up to get a bowl of cereal, pour it into a coffee cup and then put the milk in the pantry. He's not like that everyday, but often enough. People think that if you're not peeing your pants in the grocery store or drooling on yourself that you're not sick. I will have to make this decision, I see that. It's just so hard to do. My fear is palpable. I have no courage for this task. I have held two jobs for the last three years. I have two degrees, working on third, managing 18 hour days, making 4.0 GPA, and attempting to stay sane. I have managed all of this. And yet, I am so scared of him. We are DEFINITELY going to be discussing meds at his next appt. Only trouble is, my son is the one who has seen him eavesdropping and acting paranoid about who I'm talking to or typing to on the internet. If I say I know, then he'll know my son told me. I put him in the path. Don't know what to do. I have to protect him. I cannot do that to my son. Thanks for all your trying to help. I'll tell you what happens when time comes. Just pray for peace...in the end anyway.
Once when I was away for a couple of days my husband bought and air rifle" to scare away squirrels and raccoons". I didn't like the idea at all- managed to hide it in the back of the closet and the pellets in another closet. I know nothing about rifles or guns but i felt uncomfortable having it in the house just the same. Luckily he seems to have forgotten all about it. Some things are best forgotten.
Problem remains that those who may NOT know your husband has AD, namely any Law Enforcement, or another citizen with a permit to carry a gun may see him as a threat to public safety. Anyone seeing him with hands on a gun may have "reasonable fear" for their safety and pull their own trigger first. Also, the use of blanks will only give your husband a false sense of security. You can't always be there to run interference and say, "Don't worry, he isn't a threat becuase his gun has blanks in it.
I am glad to see you here Medic, you will find many caring and supportive people who truly understand the struggles we go through. We are all here to help in any way we can. I also have to say it is very unsafe for your DH to have a gun, my family has always had guns so I do understand. I got our son to come when we were away, he took all guns and knives with him. It just is not a good mix. Please do take care and come back to visit us often. Kathy
I just worked up the courage to go and get it out of the d**n car and it's not in the glove box. It's gone. I have no idea where it is. CRAP! His car is beyond messy, dirty, gross, etc. I cannot go through it tonight. Just when I had the nerve to do it...it's gone. I KNEW he was getting nervous about that stupid thing. This doesn't surprise me...but does not settle my nerves. Will look again when I know I have time and it's daylight...have NO idea when that will be. Can't believe it's not there.
If it's not in the car, you better start searching dresser drawers and other hiding places he has. I sure wouldn't want it in the house where it would be easy for him to get to. If he has removed it from the car, and I said if, it could mean he is more parinoid and that could be even more dangerous.
Oh Medic, I can only imagine your distress at this time. Please do gather your strength and courage, for your safety as well as his do try to find and dispose of the gun in a safe place. We are all here to support you in whatever way we can. kathy
Well, I'm the stupidest person on the planet. There ought to be picture of Stupidest Person On Planet in Guiness Book and my picture would be right there.
I posted on alz.org about this, too, under Care Consultant. Well, Gary goes on that site to read posts from his new friends he's made lately (Ithought things were getting better), and I guess he did a search under my screen name and found the post about the guns. He proceeded to tell our son when he took him to store yesterday that I think he's crazy...which I don't. He told him I'm lying to him and just grilled him on what we talk about. Joel was so hurt. He came home and told me, 'Mom, if I get this disease, I'm going to control it and won't let it turn me into that kind of person.' Broke my heart. I said some things in the post that I'm sure didn't appear nice. Am I a horrible person, besides being the stupidest? He doesn't know about this site, and now I've password protected my account again. He beat me emotionally senseless when I pw-protected last time saying I was hiding an affair. Now, I feel I have no choice but to do it again and I've got to get off the other site (or at least change my name).
I feel like I've no rights. In me trying to find help for myself, I've only made things worse for him, increased his paranoia, and made him feel really angry, and maybe bad about himself. Good job, wife. I feel like big loser. I'm trying so hard to help him, but I can't help but feel the way I feel. He doesn't see it and thinks I'm just out to get him. I hid the gun in the house, but I want it gone now. Too nervous. Called friend yesterday and I'm giving it to him when he gets off work Monday morning. One down, one to go. Thanks for all your encouragement. I feel like such a bad wife, person, mom. Has anyone else felt this way? Is it normal for them to make you feel like you've done something terribly wrong? We know they are not well, so why do we feel this way unless we really are bad?
Medic....you are not stupid, you are not a bad person, you are a victim of AD. No, you don't have the disease, you are suffering from the fall out. You and your son are the innocent victims and both of you need more help than we can give you. Have you considered some sort of therapy for the both of you? Are you on any medication to keep you from becoming anxious and depressed?
Your husband is bullying you and treating you badly because he can't fight what is happening to him. He is terrified that he is losing his mind and lashing out at the easiest targets. I went through something like that with my husband, but I was already a force to be reckoned with (LOL) so his somewhat shoddy treatment of me didn't last long. I found that if I assured him that I would always love him and take care of him no matter what, then than sometimes diffused the anxiety and edginess he was feeling.
I am glad you are getting rid of the gun. I was scared silly thinking that he might do something to you, your son or himself. Please realize that you are not the only person to have gone through this....you need to get yourself into a better frame of mind in order to help your son get through. You did not cause this disease and you can't fix it.
I wish I had some magic powers to make this easier for you....but please know that we understand...just remember this mantra...."I am not stupid and I am not a bad person. I am a victim, too."
Medic.....Sandi said it all, Read her last statement again and again and know it. Know you can get thru this. We can support you from this site and want to, but you need to get a grip on this for you and your son. Lots of hugs and love, PAT
Medic....Sandi and Pat have said all the right things. You are not a bad person, wife or mother. This disease takes a terrible toll on all of us and we do the best we can. Hang in there and recite Sandi's mantra. Throw in ," God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I have this on my fridge and look at it many times a day. Jan
Yes, Another strong statement from Carrie Underwood's song, "Jesus, take the wheel -cause I can't do it on my own." I held on to these words since I heard them. And HE has taken over where I couldn't go any more. Thank you Jesus! Thanks for sharing, Hugs to all PAT
Hang in Medic, you are doing all the best things you can for your dear husband, hold onto the words of these wise women, they have walked your path. Hang in there and please do not beat yourself up anymore.We are all here to hold your hand and give as many hugs as needed. Kathy
Dear Medic, My heart breaks for you; AD is a terrible monster of a disease... It's victims hurt the people who love them and take care of them. How aweful... Of course you need to vent, we all do, or we'll explode with grief and pent up anger... It keeps us sane. Glad there's this spot. As for guns, good job. They need to be gone. My friend got killed two years back when he tried to take his confused father home to live with him. The father said, "I forgot something in the house", went back for the loaded handgun and shot his son in the back. And then shot himself. It was preplanned, note on the table: "I'm not moving and will shoot anyone who..." Well, what a heartbreak. My solution to guns was to talk my LO into a gun locker. The happily put all his guns and amunition in there, so he can find them, and pretty much forgot about them. The combination is way past what he could do, and guess who has it anyway?!? No guns is better; but this will do for us... Thank you for keeping the people around you safe... Write often; and please keep sharing...
We had a huge 'discussion' yesterday...more like hitting my head up against a tree. The day before, Joel had gone to store with DH to buy shoes. When they got back, he told me that his dad told him that I think he's crazy, I'm lying to him. He was hurt and told me that if he ever gets this disease, he will 'control' it so he won't ever be like his dad. Sure.
Next day (yesterday), DH is extremely upset saying that one of our 'friends' told him what I said about him being paranoid/delusional. Some friend. The list is short, so I'll figure it out eventually, if it's even true. I think he also saw my posts on alz.org. Or he could be lying, tho he stated some things I said very accurately. These 'friends' think I'm crazy anyhow, laugh at me wanting to remove guns, etc. They don't understand and I won't be talking to them anymore.
He knows about Joel telling me he's listening to my conversations. He tells me Joel is lying, making it up because I'm turning him (Joel) against him. He then tells me that since my son is a snitch, he's going to tell him that I search thru his room (Joel's) at times, just to make sure nothing is going on that I need to know about. I asked him why he would do such a thing. his response was,' to level the playing field. You've got Joel as a snitch, so I'll be the snitch. It will make things more fair.' And, of course he went on to deny everything and made me feel pretty stupid, that I was blowing things otu of proportion.
Joel and I were planning a movie day together that day as well. Three times DH asked me when we were leaving and when we'd be back. The third time, I said, same as last time, within the hour. He then told me I was hallucinating conversations and that I was in a 'perfect position to make people think I'm crazy'. He then told me that he took the gun out of car and put in UHaul storage behind lock and key. I asked him why he didn't tell me this. I got no answer. I would have even believed if he'd forgotten, LOL. Don't know if it's true. But, I've searched the house over and found nothing. I did however get rid of the two others that were in the house and gave them to best friend this mroning when he got off work. He has put them in his attic.
When Joel and I went out, I asked him about DH listening to conversations and acting weird. I asked him if there was any way he could have misunderstood. I think now I AM crazy one. Maybe I am imagining things. He said, 'mom, he put his ear up against hte door and yelled at me that my stereo was too loud cuz he couldn't hear you.' Okay, no misunderstanding. So, either he doesn't remember doing this, or is denying it??? I don't know.
So, I tell Joel DH has two things going on. Memory problems, and other brain problems that make things seem not as they really are. He said that sucked. I agreed. He said, 'I'm his son. He has to believe me.' I said, no, he doesn't. He can't help it. He asked what to do and I said if DH talks to him about it, just apologize and say that you misunderstood and all is okay. He was not happy about that solution. Go figure. I told him that there were medications that helped with this problem and it was good that he told me, cuz then we can help DH get more stable. I told him about alz teen site. He said he didn't need it but would go there to help other kids if I wanted him to. I told him he needs to do what's best for him right now. He didnt' say anything back. He still doesn't understand, or rather know, the progression of this disease. We haven't traveled that road yet.
So, I have to say I feel better now that guns are gone. Feel like I overreacted. DH has never laid hand on me or son, but gets very angry and is VERY intimidating. Big man. Son is terrified of him for no solid reason. Gets that 'shining' look in his eyes sometimes. I suppose what I fear is the potential. If he's acting paranoid, doesn't remember it, won't admit it, is there not potential? I feel dumb. Like I have overreacted. But, I feel safer.
Wanted to give you all update. So now, I've password protected ALL of my internet access/email. I will know if he's okay if he tries to get on my internet and does not get upset. If he tries to get on and can't (he has his own internet access he can get to), and becomes angry, then I'll know things aren't right. He beat the emotional crap out of me when I did it before. So, I took everything off. No longer. Did lots of computer wizardry early this a.m., about three or so. Changed my screen name, etc. We'll see.
I appreciate you all so much. You have no idea what a comfort it is to sign on and see what people have written. Internet friends or friends you see everyday...no matter. We are still friends. I am so grateful for your presence. You help to keep me sane.
You are dealing with a LOT. All of what you are experiencing is "normal" for AD, but generally, we don't have to deal with it all at once.
We all go through the period when other people think we are crazy, to the point that we start to question ourselves. We're not crazy.
Your husband is not only paranoid ( a symptom of AD), but he has regressed to the point that he is exhibiting behavior even younger than your son's age (another symptom of AD).
And you have a teen at home who needs to learn about the disease.
I would say you have a VERY FULL PLATE. I am going to recommend a few of my "previous blogs" for you to read - they may be helpful to you. Click on "previous blogs" on the left of the website, and read #29; #37; #55.
Talk to the neurologist about the paranoia. Others on this board have had more experience with this than I, but I think there are meds. to control it.
And call the Alzheimer's Association if you have not already done so. They can hook you up with support and social workers.