I posted a comment yesterday, and someone was very kind to welcome me back. I do a lot of lurking, but not as much posting. I don't want to do a post all about me, but I figured I'd try to be helpful.

Andrea died at the end of September; 41 years of marriage ending just like that. I had often told the kids that I would throw myself into the grave with her at the funeral. I spent the last 5 years not knowing how in the world I was going to continue without her. I didn't think I could.

But I've been lucky...I have the kids and the grandkids. They stay with me every weekend usually, and almost always walk over to my house after school. The best thing I ever did was move to my daughter's neighborhood. As long as I am useful, they'll still need me around! Just kidding.

The first month anniversary was hard, and Thanksgiving was hard. We had a young family member pass away on Thanksgiving, and so more memorial services to attend. Andrea's birthday is on Christmas, and that's going to be doubly hard.

But I'm doing better than I thought I would. I won't tell anybody ever, but I am relieved. This was incredibly hard, on Andrea the most, of course. I feel like I have my life back, but it's a weird life since she's not in it. But she hasn't been in it for a year, I have to remind myself of that.

I'm going back to our favorite restaurants, and the waitstaff is so kind in being sweet to me. I stopped by her dentist's to let them know. Every time I say it, I feel sad, but it helps to hear it, and hear people tell me how sorry they are. I want them to remember her, and I want me to remember her. I have a lot of plans, plans I couldn't have made before. I am less sad than I thought I would be right now, but I think I'll be more sad later, in about 5-10 years when it gets harder to be alone, and I start realizing how long she's been gone.

So although it sounds depressing, I really am doing fine. I've got the grandkids to keep me busy, and I am reading books all day long in bed if I want to. My daughter takes me anywhere I need to go, and if she can't, I still can. I go back to the nursing home once a week to have coffee with them; they really want me to. I'm doing good, y'all. It's not better or worse, just different.

And I have you all. Glad you guys are still around!

Dear Trisinger: I lost my DH to AD 5 yrs ago, the time goes. I, too have my family around, fortunately I am not alone. I agree that I did feel some relief when he died, it wasn't that I wanted him to leave me, but he'd had enough and so had I. Still, the first time I filled out a form and checked the box that said 'widow' it was a blow to my system, took some getting used to, altho I'd felt like a 'married widow' for many years. Most caregivers come out stronger, altho there are times when you cannot believe that--I read about Joan & the others going thru this same travail, I want to say 'it'll be ok' but I know that's small comfort.

I, too, go to the same places, restaurants, etc., and shortly after DH died, my daughter was here and mentioned that all the people seemed to be so nice to me, really liked me and cared for me--I knew it was because they knew my DH--remembered our coming in together--and I appreciated their kindness. I'm glad to know you are doing reasonably well, everyone needs to hear that.

York, you sound a lot like my father after my mother died. They had been married more than 50 years. When she got to be too much for him to care for at home, he sold the house, placed her in a nursing home, and moved into an apartment complex associated with the home so he could be with her every day, even in the worst weather. They were never apart even for a day in all those years, until he had to have surgery about a year before she died.

I had been trying to get them to move here as soon as it became obvious she had problems, but they kept putting it off until her health was too poor to even consider moving. After mother died, daddy agreed that it wasn't a good idea for him to be isolated in a small town in the middle of Iowa when his children were in California, and he moved in with us. And although he grieved, very much, for her loss, he did a lot better than I'd expected. He started doing volunteer work at Mission Trails Park, and hiked and explored all the parks within driving distance, took up wild flower photography, and enjoyed visits from my sister and her brood when they drove down from LA. We got him a computer, and he learned to use that to work on his journal and surf the net. He got along very well with my husband, and they were usually still playing cards and talking long after I went to bed. My husband and I took him on several trips with us, to places like Monterey, which he adored, and to the theater (I've had season tickets to the Old Globe and Broadway San Diego since moving here) and all the different restaurants, the zoo and wild animal park. He missed sharing them all with my mother, I know, but he did enjoy sharing them with us.

I'm so glad you're doing well, and that you're staying with us!

Back in 1982 My second youngest (and his dad's namesake( was killed by a car. I did not know how I was going to even get out of bed each morning let alone take care of a couple of teenagers and two other young children (7 and 2), work eadh day and try and prop up my husband who grieved to the point where I was sure I would be a widow within the year, but I did. Others who had walked the same road spoke to me and assured me that I would survive, and would learn to take pleasure in life again., I believed them because they had been "thru the fire"., I still miss my little guy but it is not the overwhelming grief of those first weeks and months, WE ARE a strong bunch or all our spouses would be in institutions and we would be living our own lives and ignoring their needs and our past histories with them., So take heart, we can survive all of this. patricia

Special hugs to all of you who have lost your loves to the AD battle. Holidays tend to be hard and emotions tend to intensify on our losses especially during these days. Remembering each of you special people during these upcoming days. divvi

i want to thank all of you,for still posting, who have had to travel this journey ahead of us. you do give us comfort and encouragement and let us know that life still goes on for us,the caregivers of our dear loved ones. by letting us know how you are doing and opening your thoughts to us, you are giving us a hope that no one else can actually give us,because you have walked in our shoes. you are giving all of us priceless and valuable information and advice,that can help us cope with what we all know lies ahead. there are no words to express our true appreciation. thank you is just not enough. this graditude also goes out to joan,for her wisdom in starting this site. jav