In addition to everything that we are dealing with in the here and now, do any of you ever think about the “after” part of this? I know in my future there will be a move (where, I have no idea) which will require going through a lifetime of our memories, and downsizing our belongings a lot. Fortunately I have already started working on this a little, because it will be an enormous task. Frankly, I can barely think about it. The idea of being alone in our house and going through everything by myself, seems like a heartbreaking task. Even the actual physical part of it will be hard, because as I’ve gotten older (and more tired, from being a caregiver) I have to portion out tasks in little bits and pieces to get things done. This will be an enormous undertaking, and just the thought of it makes me want to crawl under the bed. The mental part of what it will be like is better to not even think about. However, this is not going to go away because I want it to, and will eventually have to be dealt with. We have no children to help, and other family members have already distanced themselves from us and from this disease.
Have any of you dealt with this—the downsizing and going through a lifetime of memories? How did you manage? Did any of you start while still caring for your loved one? Any advice that anyone has would be appreciated.
This is a second marriage. MY DH has a son in AZ; my son is in FL. We are in KY. Have a big house. My DH is 85, I am 68. He is the love of my life. He has not declined very far since first being DX'd almost 6 years ago. However, I immediately started "going through stuff". Whenever the sons have visited over these past years, I had things ready for them to take home. I gave his son anything that had to do with his deceased mother and things my DH doesn't need/want now. Same with my son - pictures, momentos, whatever. I have just about cleaned out! I, too, will have to move at some point - don't have a clue where. Have had yard sales also to get rid of stuff I no longer need/want. I thought it best to do this while he is pretty much okay instead of waiting until I have to watch /care for him every minute. None of this was easy - the getting rid of precious memories, but for me, it was the best thing to do.
I have also gone through stuff and gave a lot to the kids. I feel better not being cramped with "stuff". I have given away some of DH clothes that I know he will no longer wear. It is hard to do anytime, but I also think it will be easier now than later. Husband does not want ANY of his things to go anywhere, so I have to be careful there. This spring I am going to have son in law weed out tools he no longer needs and remove them (ones he will not miss). Last week I went through Christmas decorations and removed 2/3 of it I no longer use. I still need to continue working at it.
Now, I need to weed out my closet and that is the hardest part.
My husband is in the very early stages of Lewy Body Dementia and I am planning to move and downsize next summer. I'm hoping that this means doing it while he can still help, though he tends to want to keep everything. In our new house he will have three rooms on the lower level and the upstairs space will be mine, so at least my space I'm hoping I can make simple and peaceful. I've found in some ways getting rid of stuff is easier when it has built up for a very long time. I really think I can get rid of almost all of the clothes I haven't worn in 15 years.
I know I almost certainly will need to move once my husband is gone because I have always known that once I'm alone I can't afford this house we built together. We retired and moved here 4.5 years ago. I'm going to try to stick it out here for a year and see if I'm right about needing to move, but I'm pretty sure that I will need to.
Because we did so much moving, and because this was a cross county move we did a lot of culling before we came here. Still I find myself looking around and knowing that another very large culling project will need to be made once he is gone. Some of it, like deciding what to do with the clothes he will never wear again, I've already thought about, but haven't done anything physical about yet. Some of it, like dealing with books, I'm in the process of culling more slowly.
I'm passing some of the full bookcase of cookbooks to my daughter, but she can only take so many at a time. I'm giving the ones I know she doesn't want to the local used book store since the local library does not take donations. Someone will enjoy them.
I pass things on to Goodwill on a regular basis as well. I know that I've got all kinds of cooking equipment that belonged to him, that I will never use. In many cases I'm going to have to wait until he is sicker than he is now before I get them out of the house. He objects to my throwing anything away, so when I do I have to hide the fact that I've thrown something out from him.
I keep a give to Goodwill bag in my closet. I put things in there as I discover that I'm not wearing them anymore. When the bag is full I take it to Goodwill. I have a couple of shelves for the books I'm done with. When I go to the used book store I fill up a couple of bags to take to them. I'll bring back a few books as well, but take more than I bring back.
I'm going to develop a shelf in the garage to put the give away, and throw away, stuff pretty soon. I've hidden a few throw aways that way and managed to get them into the garbage while he slept after he had forgotten they existed. Sometimes just having a place to put the things you know you aren't going to keep makes it easier to cull stuff. It separates the decisions from actually getting rid of the stuff.
I find culling out our memorabilia very painful. It is like throwing away the best parts of our lives. I know our children won't want the stuff. One thing I am not having a problem disposing of is my good jewelry. I have told my three what I would like them to have-daughter-in-law is getting her share as I love her and don't think my diamond necklace would look good on my son. I remember not wanting my mother's stuff and knowing that my actions hurt my dad. I don't want my kids to feel the same way.
I am not planning on having to move, but have already started cleaning out his stuff that is no longer in use and some of mine as I go through things. We had a neighbor at one time that put it very well "my children really do not want or need to inherit my junk". Her home had what she needed and some family pictures on the wall but not a lot of excess stuff. As I have cleaned out a couple of relatives places of their junk after they died, I though her attitude was terrific.
The one I am dreading doing is going through the family photos. There are many pictures in there that will have no meaning to most of the family members. These will probably go in a separate pile for them to go through and see if there are any they want. The rest of the pile will go.
When my grandmother died, my sisters and I went through her photos. She had every one of them labeled. We knew most of the people in later years so it was fun to see them when they were younger but if they had not been labeled, I don't know if we would have known who everyone was.
I don't have a lot of old photos but the ones I do have I put in a scrapbook for them to divide later. The others I sorted into piles of each child and families and after keeping out about a dozen for myself, bundled them up and gave them to the appropriate family. The ones I kept I put in another scrapbook.
I think I am going to have a daughter help me thin out my clothes because she will make me see why I no longer need to keep certain things. We also moved 3 1/2 years ago and I did away with things but still need more to go. The home we have now is really going to be too big, but unless I have to I do not intend to move unless I could sell this one and build a new one about half the size next door.
I have ridded myself of almost all books and borrow from the library. The large print books are nice.
A year ago we moved from a 9-room house to our present 4-room apartment in a retirement community. Three moving van loads: one here, one to each of our daughters. Another 3 truck loads to various charities (we had a large attic). And we gave things to neighbors and friends.
I am so glad that is done. I miss some things, and don't remember where some went. DH was not much help, but our daughters were. My DH is somewhere between Stage 5 and 6, depending on which hour it is at the present. I could not take care of the house, the yard, the driving (got him to quit 4 years ago), the financial, etc. His dementia first noticed by me in1993; first saw neurologist 1996. Yes, that is corrrect, 15 years ago.
noahcam, your comments make me wonder if this disease is really fatal, just heartbreaking. If my DH (diagnosed this year) lives another 15 years, he will be 90 years old. We usually die by that age anyway and your DH is not even in the final stages yet.
We also have a large house full of junk, family treasures and memories. One woman I know is letting her children pick out something in her house as part of their birthday gift. If she is not using it, they take it then. If it's something she is still using, she puts their name on it. I haven't tried this yet, but it may be a good idea.
Dazed, I did that with my Mother's quilts. I let my children choose which ones they wanted by pick one at a time and the ones I wanted right now I kept and have them displayed and the others they took home. They were all itimized in a spiral notebook so it will be obvious which belonged to who. They have already mentioned they would like to do this with other items of my Mothers with sentimental value and put their names on the item. This divided up something that was going to be a "situation" later and everyone is happy. My Mother in law had names on the bottoms of some of her things and when she died, that child got that item.
Much of what I've saved 'for the kids" or "for the grandkids" over the years they do not/will not want. I'm not bitter about this, they want 'sovenirs' of us, family photos, etc, but not the hand-knit sweater, the special books, etc. We've been in the house now for 38 years. I thought of selling some things via ebay, on the theory that at least if someone bought it there, even at a 'bargain' at least they WANT it (the original 78 album of Wizard of OZ, for instance, or Pinnochio, or certain old dolls.. And I excuse myself: half-hour times aren't enough to get going on cleaning. That's an excuse. I know that. But you can't pry it from my fingers!!
briegull, if they don't want it and you can bear to let it go, go ahead with the e-bay idea. I have a few dolls, I used to collect and non of my kids are interested in them. I no longer have the boxes so I doubt if they would sell on e-bay. My 2 daughters salivate over ANYTHING that belonged to their grandparents but None of the things I accumilated. Do you suppose that means the next generation will want my collections? Maybe that will be the case with you.
I do have a box or two for some of the newer ones, but they are Madame Alexanders belonging to my daughter. I only have one grandchild, a girl, and she has taken some of the dolls, etc, but was most pleased with the rag doll I'd made myself when I was about 12.
I am going to give myself a project the next few days and fill up a large trash bag with clothes and things to donate to the local GoodWill. This thread has me "pumped up". Clothes I haven't worn in 5 years, nicknacks the kids won't want, any books I don't want to keep and some of DH clothes he hasn't worn in 15 years. I will post back here when it is a done deal. Anyone else wants to join me just post on this thread after delivery. Christmas present to myself.
I have gone back and forth on this thread and not even wanted to post on this one believe it or not:) I will most definately have to move when DH is no longer here with me. I couldnt pay the electric bill myself:) HUGE money consuming white elephant but ohhhh so gorgeous and an arquitectural digest elite. i have 5! five ton A/Cunits alone to cool it in summer. need i say more. --ugh. its been on my mind for years that i will have to leave it and sell and downsize to something i will be able to afford on my own. his kids will inherit half of it as well when sold and the art/antiques etc is going to be mindboggling with sizing up the estate for probate. double ugh. i am executor and not looking for ward to this job at all. its going to be quite difficult i know -so i have been downsizing stuff and getting my yard man to come with his trailer and every so often loads and takes to the dump. i give the workable stuff to charity. clothes i am almost done there. DH is down to only the good stuff. i have regularly kept up closets so thats no issue. my major issues will be huge amounts of furniture custom made for this house. i downsized the library a while back and have only the valued books. i have a box of fotos and i will not part with those, i know someday i will want to sit and go thru each of our trips and reminice over all our happy times i know i have more stuff to do so i will get on the wagon with you too and get more done so its not such a burden later. Thanks for the motivation i need help here for sure! i would love to sell this house and downsize, but his kids are in the picture so it will have to wait for now til i can figure out what to do -Divvi
I'm getting motivated just reading this thread but don't we need to wait until after Christmas? Things are a little hectic right now. I've just barely begun my Christmas shopping and the tree isn't up yet.
We both starting cleaning out "stuff" a few months ago. His was mainly all the R/C airplane stuff, and he ended up giving $$$$ away to a friend. That's fine by me so I don't have to deal with it, and I shut my eyes to the mount of $$ just tossed. There is no way I can stay here when he is gone. The maintenance is killing us now since he can't do anything...and I had no idea how he had let things get run down outside. An acre of land in a prime area sounds great when you can deal with it, but when you can't..what a mess.Our son wants all his power tools....and there are many! I have told him he needs to get them sooner rather than later..I fear the laspse in judgement that is surely to show up in the near future regarding power saws, etc. We have never even lived in an apartment..can't imagine how hard it will be to downsize. The night sweats have returned full steam.
Dazed - why don't you just wait and start after Christmas. I have my tree and decorations up already and I don't but gifts anymore. Grandchildren prefer money and so do hairdressers. I tell everyone NOT to buy DH and I gifts because that is where a lot of the clutter came from. I am taking daughters out to dinner today for their birthdays.
I still have my parents things in two small rooms of my basement, a fair amount of things in the MIL suite (an addition we had done in 2005), and a mid size storage locker in town. My Dad is still living, I lost my Mom in 3 years ago. I have had a very difficult time thinking of what to do with most of those things. There isn't much "value" monetarily, but the memories are rich. Because of DH having AD I find it too depressing to go through my Mom's things. Somehow I am more motivated to donate "OUR" things. I can't really explain why that is. Somehow I feel it more important to be able to trim down on "US" and perhaps that is due to an emotional defense mechanism.
I think the actual cleaning out can start in January, but I think the thinking through can start now. A bunch of us need to think through.
One hint I got off the "clutter" shows on TV is to take photos of the stuff you know you can't keep, but can't let go of. It is supposed to make it easier to let go.
I also scrapbook. That means a lot of my older photos have names and dates on them. To a large extent I don't have all that many photos. But my cousin and I went through her grandmother's albums together before we left California, and except for one photo of me as a 4 year old, and one photo of my mother's half brother, neither of us could put names to any of the pictures in any of the 5 albums.
I scrapbook for two reasons. One is that it is an artistic outlet. Since I love doing anything on the computer I scrapbook digitally and print out what I've made. And I have taken photos and made pages for some of the things I love. In the meantime, I enjoy them.
Noahcam! You're new! Hi, and welcome. Wow, fifteen years ago, and he's still stage 5/6?
We did a lot of culling eight years ago, when my mother died (of AD) and my father agreed he couldn't live alone any more and moved here to live with us. He needed space of his own, so we cleaned out a couple of rooms just for him.
Of course, we ended up with a bunch of his belongings, although I gave most of his things to my sister and her kids. Fortunately, she's a real softy about things with sentimental value, so I gave virtually all of that to her, and she can pass along the "heirlooms" to her kids. Or toss them, without my having to do anything that painful.
And, unfortunately, a whale of a lot of stuff was at work, especially books and papers, and we had quite a bit of room there, plus we had rented a storage locker, so it really built up over the fifteen years we were there. Much of that disappeared when we were locked out of the facility, though (a great way to downsize quickly, although a tiny bit hard on the nerves), but what I managed to grab is still piled up everywhere at home. It's hard to sort and put away when the house is full to the rafters. It's a pretty small house ... can't afford a big house in San Diego, you know!
I know I've gotta work on sorting through everything and getting rid of a lot of it, though, so I will be ready when my husband declines to the point the clutter stresses him. (One way I know he's really sick is that it does NOT seem to bother him right now. This used to be Mr Obsessive-Compulsive Neat-And-Orderly, worse than Monk.) One of these days, I really WILL start on it.
I have some new incentive to get off my rear and get going. The university has a new longitudinal study on caregiver stress, and for some reason thought I'd be a good candidate for it. They'll be coming here for interviews, and blood samples, and some other tests (carotid ultrasound, among others.) How would I ever explain it if they got lost in the maze and were never heard from again???
Durn it, Dazed, did you HAVE to tell me to wait until after Christmas? I don't need somebody to give me a reason to procrastinate, I need somebody to give me a boot in the BEhind.
15 years! I wouldn't believe it either if I had not been here and witnessed it. Everything progressed very slowly for a long time. But about 8 or 10 (?) years ago it started to speed up. For several years he has been on many drugs. Are they really working??? Is he one of the few that Aricept, etc, really works? He has also within 2 years been diagnosed with Parkinsons. He has COPD, high BP, etc.
Yes, I'm new here. I have handled it pretty well, but I need conversation. Have you heard the expression "velcro husband". That is him. Despite his denying he is fine, he will not let me out of his sight. Underneath he knows something is wrong. Later I will go into more of the problems handling him.
By the way I am still going through some of the boxes we brought with us.
We have had some interesting discussions about velcro spouses ... I'll see if I can find a thread or two to bring to the top for you. My husband and I are used to being together most of the time, since we worked together for 15 years, carpooled together, and so on and so forth, and I was able to take him in to work with me even after his AD got too bad for him to have a formal role there. He is still pretty mobile, and goes with me whenever I run errands or shop. But I can't say that he does anything remotely like the shadowing some of our members are experiencing. He has no problem being in another room by himself, and tries not to bother me if I'm doing something that requires a lot of focus.