If he begs me to take him home one more time today I ---I ---I Oh, I don't know.
This morning DH is turning on lights and waking me before 6 a.m. "We should get going. We're supposed to get out of here today." Oh, Lordy. I do NOT do mornings like that. I need my couple cups of coffee and a cig or two.
Managed to keep things mellow telling DH the kids have to be taken to school. He then wants to be waking them, and two teens who do NOT have to be up til 8 something are not going to take well to DH's 6 a.m. wake up calls. We drive the kids to community college about 20 minutes away. Daughter has just one class on the campus in the mornings so we wait and take her home. During the hour wait I sometimes go to Winco. Had to go today to get the things that were on my list that I forgot to take with me yesterday. Got $100 worth of groceries, and missed most of what was on that list that was sitting at home. Anyway, we get home with daughter, put stuff away, and turn on the TV. DH appears ready to doze. That lasted about 20 minutes and he's up, demanding I drive him home. He said I'm mean, and he doesn't feel well, and asks "WHY won't you take me home. Just take me home. Why do you do this to me. I want to see my Mum."
Lately I have no patience. I used to go ahead and get in the car and drive around briefly. Eventually we'd head for home, sometimes with him giving the directions right back here to our home. Lately he keeps harping on me to get on the freeway and go south. He's now more persistent and gets mad when he senses I'm driving toward home. Today I refused to even go there. Its been getting more difficult to do. So I argued, and yelled, and he continued to be upset. Eventually he took off his jacket angrily and sat down in his lazy boy. I then gave him a yogurt laced with some "mellow out powder." (crushed anxiety meds)
Now he dozes about 2 minutes at a time. Opens his eyes and asks the same questions about where son is, when he's coming home, IF he is coming home, etc. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom to shave.
I know I shouldn't try to reason, shouldn't argue, but geez. It's getting colder, and its wet, and before long we'll see some icy roads, and I HATE being out on the road when I don't have a legitimate place to go. I;m running out of ideas, and running out of patience.
Ya' know, New Realm, I feel put out when he asks the same question over and over again. When he asks me 5 minutes after I've put the dishes in the dishwasher if we are going to have supper tonight. That said, I cannot imagine how you are coping with that. I would have never thought to drive around to calm him down. Now, I don't drive at all. Perhaps you can tell him the car is on the fritz and you haven't had time to get it fixed. Him getting mad has to be so hard for you. I'm really sorry about all of this. Wish I could make it better. All I've got is a hug and a kiss on the cheek for you, dear friend. XO I hope tomorrow is a better day. We can only hope and pray it is.
New Realm, my husband will ask to go by his old house just to see it. He hasn't lived there in almost 40 years. The neighborhood has changed and he doesn't believe me--I did give in once and go past and he said oh you are right the place is different but the last two weeks or see he started up again. I too have yelled at him about it even though I know he can't help it but the incessant talking about it drives me nuts.
My husband also wants to go home, he constantly asks me to take him home. I told him once that the car was broken and was at the shop. Well this didn't help me very much. He said that he was going to walk home. It was cold and windy outside, but I, like New Realm got mad at him. He just got on my nerves, so I told him to just go ahead if he couldn't wait for me to take him. He went outside, no jacket on and opened the gate, went to the mailbox and checked the mail and came back in. A little while later we went through the whole thing again. I was watching him all the time of course. I'm just glad he didn't catch a cold. I know we always say it's the disease not our LO. But sometimes I just can't stay calm anymore.
New Realm, I don't have an answer, other than maybe showing him things that may jog the memory. Dh hasn't started that! (Thank the good Lord) But FIL would always ask us why we brought him here. For better than a year he didn't remember his home, which he built. One night him and I were standing in the tv room and he started the asking why we had brought him there and I said Bob, you don't remember this home that you built? And explained that he had lived there some 40 years etc. He looked at me and said You know, often I have thought whoever built this home was a dammmmmmm good home builder! LOL....... I cracked up! He then proceeded to tell me that the quality was up to his standards etc so it would make sense that he built it ....... I only know that for that moment in his world he remembered that yes it was his home. Kinda like when he forgot MIL and would ask when we hired the other Betty. He would ask all the kid's, grandkids, friends when they hired her. LOL.............. MIL didn't care for it so much in the beginning, but she finally gave up trying to correct him and just went with the flow. Maybe finding a special room that he always enjoyed, or a favorite tree that would help him remember or at the very least help him to feel comfortable. Good Luck! Rk
My DH was born and raised in Milwaukee. He has not lived there since the mid 1960's. We've lived in Calif and now in the NW. I met DH in the 1980's and have never been to Milwaukee. I've spoken to some of the relatives and they have told me the old house has been torn down and is now a parking lot with office buildings on both sides. So, trying to help him remember anything about the house isn't possible. I try to remind him of our previous home in Calif, and now and then he'll say, "Oh, yeah. That was a nice place."
Problem I have is he is way further back in his mind than the point where I entered the picture. His Mom is deceased since the late 60's so I never met her. DH is constantly telling me to let him call his Mom, or telling me that he just wants to see her. He'll go on about her being a beautiful woman, athletic, etc. He insists she is still alive and that she is wanting him home.
As far as relatives, well his adult daughter surprised the heck out of me by agreeing to come from Calif to stay with/visit her Dad for a couple days so I could go see my adult sons homecoming (he's stationed aboard an aircraft carrier). She is emotionally supportive, but doesn't see her Dad more than once every year or two. He has no other living children (his adult son died in '97) aside from the two we have together who are still teens. It's very hard on these two. As far as siblings, 3 have died, one is MIA, and of the three others they are distant and not in good health. So there are not really resources there to help me help DH feel he is in a better time and place. His Mom would be over 110 years old if still living, but DH tells me she is still alive, and she is young. I ask him how old he is and he has to think about it a bit before saying "42". He is 72 years old.
It is very sad to hear them want to go home and see their parents/siblings.-my DH still asks to see his brothers who RIP died several yrs ago. one just last summer. he tells me he sees them in our house and i catch him 'nodding and smiling' all the time, like he is having aconversation with someone. very disconcerting but in my mind now, i believe they maybe referring to a more spiritual home and not an actual place of living. i say this because in the early yrs we actually did take DH back to see his early homes, thinking this would be the end of it, and it still didnt relieve his stress of going 'home'..home maybe something or someplace not within the realms of this world..divvi
When he asks to go home I am going to be in real trouble. My husband's childhood home is in Hungary and I have never even been in that country.
I understand that what they want is to go home to their childhood homes. And I have no idea how I'll handle that one when it comes. It looks like none of you have good answers to this one.
"HOME" to our ADLO's is actually a time, and place in their lives where they were secure. That is really what they are trying to get back to. Almost like they have a feeling of "if I could just get there everything would be fine."
Used to be able to use alot of delay and distract tactitcs............but they are wearing out now.
My mother's sister was 92 and mentally whole with an excellent memory. She did not have AD. However, after her 93rd birthday, her body and mind started shutting down. While she knew all who came to visit, she was physically weak and had to have constant care. She started asking where her parents were and where her husband was (he died after their 55th wedding anniversary). She begged to be taken home (while in her own house).
It was explained to me that this is her way of expressing her discomfort and confusion about her present surroundings, and that her "old" memories seem like "today," while "today" is gone from the memory within moments. In other words, she didn't remember this morning, or yesterday, or last week, but remembered her childhood and young adult years as if they were yesterday.
My cousin got tired of trying to explain reality, and finally just told her that her parents (or husband) were on a trip and would visit her later and that calmed her down for a day, usually.
I don't know if this helps, but since my husband can't talk (aphysia), I haven't had this problem come up.
Geeeezzz, New Realm, you really EXPLODED! What would make you do that! I, of course, the paragon of patience & virtue never did such a thing! Altho the neighbor did come over once to see if we were OK. Said she heard a woman screaming. No, I told her, t'wasn't me, it was just the TV.
When I was referring to home, I meant his home now (where you live now) hoping that finding something that he remembers about your current home that brings him pleasure might help him find comfort and remember that your home now is his home........... Hope that makes sense! LOL As for seeing people who "we" know are gone, most people near the end of their journey do. Maybe I should say at least people who are ill seem to. My FIL actually started seeing old friends and family that had passed a year or so before he passed. As for others that I have taken care of (Uncle with terminal cancer) or been around ( When I was a candy striper in a care facility when I was in Jr high) it seems to be more near the end of their journey. I don't know if the AD has anything to do with them having sightings earlier? Now the unknown people they see, well that's a whole different story! Wouldn't you love to know whats going on? Interesting! Rk
I think most of us are in the same boat. Claude asks to go "home" constantly and we tell him he is home. Two minutes later, the same thing. We try to divert his attention and sometimes it works.
I've "exploded" several times - just couldn't help myself. My doctor gave me a script for buproprian and it helps tremendously with the stress. It still gets to me but I'm able to handle it better.
"As for seeing people who "we" know are gone, most people near the end of their journey do. Maybe I should say at least people who are ill seem to." Claude has also been doing this. He carries on extensive conversations with his mother and brothers who have passed on and actually "sees" them during these conversations. He seems like he talks to them more than he does to me. LOL It's a normal part of the progression of this disease, and these conversations seem to bring him comfort so....
About seeing people who have died, I have to mention the situation of a friend of my father's. They had been friends since boyhood. My father, M, died in 1969. Several years later his friend, L, was in a nursing home in the end stages of Alzheimer's. He had not moved voluntarily, or spoken in over a year. The nurse went in to check up on him. He suddenly sat up, with a big smile on his face, and said "here comes M", at which point he fell back and died. How do we explain this?
we dont. part of that parallell universe we have no understanding of - i wholeheartedly believe our loved ones are capable of 'insights' in to the beyond we cant understand. who knows- the dementia may unlock certain 6th sense abilities. many i have heard do this Marsh this wierd unexplainable gestures, including laughing or smiling-reaching out with a hand- then gone. they say the bright lites on the other side are breathtaking so...who wouldnt be esctatic to crossover? divvi
There are a lot of things that just can't be explained. If something like that happens with my husband, I will say a prayer of thanks that someone he knew was there to greet him on the otherside.
My husband is now past the asking to go home part. Sometimes it was very, very difficult when he was in that stage. I was never convinced that home was a real place and not his way of saying he needed comfort and something familiar around him. Sometimes a ride in the car would do it and sometimes a good snuggle would do it. Sometimes it was looking at him and saying something like "I need a good hug". It was always trail and error trying to figure out what he really was asking and needed in that moment. If I could figure out what he was really asking about, he would usually be fine afterwards for a very long while.
New Realm, if he wakes you up early again like that, you could say something like "I talked with the front desk last night and got permission to stay later so we can all be relaxed before starting the day".
marsh, as divvi said I don't think there is an explanation for us, only hope that they are guiding them on their next journey or at the very least comforting them for their next step. Sometimes it's like someone really is there with them, kinda like when the dog is staring at something that we can't see but you know the dog knows something is there. Weird, but I just try to think positive about it. As for the other unknown people sightings, with my FIL I would ask him if he said Hi and ask his new friends what they needed, sometimes it was as though he was afraid cause he didn't know them. I asked him a few times if maybe he thought they were his guardian angels. I tried to explain that maybe it was a gift from God and that it was special for him. One time he told me he thought we were his guardian angels, I laughed and told him no, and that I was sure God would set him straight on that one....... LOL as I said before it would be interesting to know what it's all about. Rk
We will never know. I have heard some pretty fantastic stories of people who had "died" and came back to life. They make it sound wonderful, and that is a great thought to keep in mind.
My husband did not have a singing voice and knew it. In his "normal life" he was not one to particpate in sing-alongs. Imagine my surprise to find him belting out "Row row your boat" in the day room of his facility. It was as if he was back in happier times at summer camp as a child. It made me feel great. Why would they want to exist as they are in the present.
New Realm blue her stack? I'm really surprised that someone who's living w/AD would get edgy and blow up. Can you imagine? (Hope you all realize this is well laced with sarcasm. I generally have presence of mind to close the windows before I start shreiking. Tell me. This isn't something to feel guilty about is it? I'm so proud of myself that I only do it 'once in a while.'
I read someplace that guilty people are not healthy people. And, unhealthy people can't really get anything done.
Ugh! I do feel exhausted. Indigestion, chest pressure (the anxiety type), and NO PATIENCE! All day today. I actually had nearly 30 minutes of peace this morning before it started. Today I was accused of being mean, a liar, untrustworthy......you name it. I try all the old ideas to appease, distract, etc. But to no avail. He's been harrassing my 16 year old boy, and was complaining to him that he didn't like Diana's (me) personality and he wishes his wife (uh, that's me) would come home and get rid of this lady. He's called my cell phone many times today.
He wanks and moans at me all day, then turns around and asks...."Do you love me?" I'm sorry to say, that I am so frustrated and exhausted that I just gave him a blank stare.
I've been looking for a discussion on this topic, but would love to get some feedback on an additional twist.
Are any of your husbands still capable of getting themselves out and on their way going back home?
I don't know what stage my husband is in, but he is definietely in denial. He was diagnosed about 3 years ago, but his decline has been minimal, just enuf to make him like an adult 5 year old. According to him, there is nothing wrong with him, he remembers everything, and is as fit as he was 40 years ago.
We live in California, and have for over 30 years, but he literally obsesses over being in Tennessee, where he feels comfortable. His grandparents were from there, and he spent his summers as a child there. He claims he hates CA and can't stand it here for another day. He wants to go back to Tn, and will stay there forever.
Unfortunately, he has made over 12 visits in the last two years, many of them for just a couple of days, some of them with me, but most of them on his own. We have a home there, which enables him to have a place to go. He doesn't remember the trips, nor that he only stayed for a couple of days and came right back. (nor the cost and inconvenience that he puts everyone to when he goes). He says he gets lonely, so he comes back to Ca and me. This last rip was two weeks ago, at acost of $2000 in airfare for missed flights, taxis, and last minute tickets. He is already talking about wanting to leave to go to TN, again. He doesn't remember the last trip.
I have called the credit card company, and they say that they cannot cancel his card because he is the proimary cardholder.
I can take his credit card away while he is sleeping and have done that in the past, but when he looks for it and cannot find it, he goes berserk. Then carries on constantly EVERYDAY until a new card comes.
Even tho he attracted the attention of security in three airports and they called me, (better than sending him to Mental services, as one officer suggested) he did manage to get himself from north San Diego County to the SD Airport, transfer planes (although I don't know to where, when or how) arrive in Nashville and then get a taxi to our house there, (30 miles away). I refused to help him, but he has enuf street smarts to accomplish all of this.
HOW CAN I STOP HIM??? I've used ad'l drugs on some occasions, but I can't always catch the timing.
Has anyone had a spouse who kept running away? He thinks that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. He certainly forgets how much it has cost.
Kathy-only one small suggestion-if you call the credt card company and report your card stolen or lost they will cancel the card and issue new ones which you will have to watch the mail for. If need be I suppose you could have a man call and report your card lost-not quite sure of the legality of that but we all wind up doing what must be done. I was able to do that even though my husband was card owner and I was only a user.
I just cut up his debit card in itty bitty pieces. I had no conscience about doing this. He still has a credit card but he never uses it. I think that's the next thing to be cut up. He carries about $25 in cash in his wallet but he never goes anywhere without me and I do all purchases. He just likes to have some cash and I can understand that.
It does make me feel terrible to treat a refined 82 year old man like a child. He is declining. This isn't fun, is it?
I also had problems cancelling a credit card, this was one that had not even been activated. Finally, to make a long story short, I had to send them a copy of my POA. If I had it to do over, I would, as someone suggested have a male call or write a letter requesting the card be cancelled.
Mawzy, I removed the credit card from my husband. He wasn't using it but I was afraid he would lose it and someone else would have access to it. He doesn't carry his wallet any more because he can't remember it. He said one day he wanted to carry it for identy. I told him since I was always with him he souldn't need it. If he still insists I will go to the DNR and have them fix a ID card for him. I have talked to his Insurance Agents and they told me they knew he didn't drive and not to worry about making any changes on our policy. (we are in a small town).
When I needed to cancel credit card - he was primary - called the company, told them he had ALZ, I have POA - they wanted to speak to him - told them he could not communicate. They said to fax the POA to them and they would cancel. Done. Didn't have any problem.
He quit driving on his own after a minor accident. Insurance removed him from our auto policy and our premium was reduced. This is in KY. Still has his D.Lic. but it will expire next year. At least no problems with driving!
i think its easier to fax them a type written letter to credit company asking them to cancel cards and either have him sign or do it yourself and if you have it attach the poa letter. this way you have a written record of doing it and if charges occur after that no liabiltiy whatsoever. i would be very anxious about letting an AD person travel across country no matter how withit he seems. if you say his status is of a '5yr old adult' that is a warning flag to me. he will eventually get into trouble or lost at best. maybe its time to sell the home in Tenn. and start preparing for what ever lays ahead financially. and if it were me, i'd be getting in touch with his dr and asking for something to get him thru all this anxiety of 'home' and traveling across the country alone. no matter what stage once diagnosed they are not really concious of their actions and can get into trouble fast. i know ts hard to get a grasp on how to handle a grown person who isnt mentally competent, but you must just take actions to protect them and yourself however hard it seems. divvi
Yesterday it never let up. DH still kept insisting that he didn't want to be here any longer and that I had better get ready to go. Sometimes he ramps up almost to the point that I'd expect his next move is to grab something and throw it. But it hasn't ever come to that point. Not in the dementia years. (Tho' it is an unpleasant reminders of his drinking years. Thank God he hasn't drank in a decade. I think that has a part in why I get tipped over the edge and blow. It's like I want to say to him, "How dare you? How dare you get aggressive toward me after all I went through with you. Drinking, rehab, and accepting you back into the home after you begged and pleaded with me"). See, I know I'm identifying and revealing alot of where my intolerance in rooted. And where my depression rebounded from. Before AD the drinking was part of the culprit. AD takes him back to a period in time where he would unflinchingly speak to me unkindly, or aggressively, and even deny later that he said anything unkind. The few years between rehab/reconciliation, and the onset of AD were the best years of our marriage. He would never have dreamt of speaking to me as anything but a Saint, and treating me like a princess. Over the past few (AD) years he has gradually gone backward to the old behaviors. I keep saying to myself that when I took him back I don't recall signing on for this.
Kathyb, the credit card company doesn't WANT to cancel the card. I'm sure they're tickled pink your husband is spending money you can't afford. These people are totally unethical, in my opinion.
Do as Vickie suggested. If you don't have POA, type up a letter instructing them to close it out and sign your husband's name. divvi's recommendation to use a fax is a good one, or you can use certified mail.
Also, contact the credit bureaus and have them put a flag on your husband, so he can't sign up for any new credit cards.
Those of you who were talking about ADLOs seeing dead relatives etc ... you might be interested in this article:
http://sidereus.org/main/article.php?sid=75
Not exactly scientific (!!!) but very interesting.
Diana ... what can I say? You've been through hell and back. It's a miracle you haven't divorced him. It's hard enough when you have many good years of a loving husband to fall back on for strength. I am so sorry for what you're going through...
The nightmare continues. Only today it escalated some. Went to pick up 16 year old from school (he does "Running Start" so attends college in next town. I pulled in the lot just about the time his class should have ended but had to keep driving in circles for 9 minutes until son within sight because DH was insistent that son was in a particular building. He was bent on getting out of the car and going up to that building. Ugh! Couldn't let him do that. He kept threatening to jump out of the car. Even though it stays locked while in drive I think if I stopped he could punch the button on his side. Nevertheless, I didn't want him making a scene. Leading up to all this agitation was that he was going to find his home, his Mom. Aaaaaackkkkk!
I'm lucky my car has child lock safeguard, so that I can push the button on the driver's side doorhandle and lock all the doors until I release them. That is a wonderful feature. I really feel for you having to continue to drive just to keep the doors locked!
Speaking of locked doors -
Yesterday I had all four of the dead bolt locks replaced (at a cost of $230) with key-lock dead bolts, so that you have to have a key on both sides to unlock them. My husband kept going outside no matter what the weather, and it was too cold and wet two days ago when he when outside and refused to come back in. Sitting on the wet ground pulling leaves out of our rock flower beds (when the temperature is freezing and it had rained the day before and was still wet) is a good way to get a cold and I don't want him to get sick. So, I bit the bullet. I knew I would have to some day - Divvi told me - but I wanted to wait as long as I could before taking this step. He's going to the carport door and the back door and trying the knobs, and when they don't open, he'll feel of the dead bolt and after a minute or so, go back and sit down for a while. I feel like another weight has been taken off my shoulders, just knowing he's safe inside and can't fall or wander off lightens my load. He's adjusted very well to the bedroom door being locked and hasn't made the bed up with me in it for over two weeks! <grin> Thank goodness he doesn't get angry over these barriers. He's happy as long as he's in the room with me.
Welcome, Mary!! you will see within a couple of days of the pulling and juggling the knobs he will soon lose interest as much. my DH even today ratttles the handles and sometimes trys to unhinge!! the side of the doors with a spoon..awww...:) i cant tell you how much of a relief it is knowing he cant get out without me watching him..i have 5500sqft! of space for him to roam and it can take alot of looking to find him so i know hes not getting outside anymore THANK GOODNESS! best money i ever spent and i cant tell you how many times we unlock/lock that front door everyday! glad you took the plunge, your stress level will much improve over that issue now gone! divvi