If I didn't know any better, I would swear it was a full moon. Lately my husband has taken to arguing about everything. He says the bedspread is brown, yet it has been green for a number of years. He argues about what type of lab work needs to be done because it isn't written down on the calendar. If it is red, he will say it is black. If it is up, he will say it is down. If it is left, he will say it is right. Is this normal? I feel like I'm at my wits end.
Diane, my neighbor said her mother, who had AD, would always do right the opposite of what she was told to do. I think it's part of the disease. Hang in there. We're in the boat with you.
My DH does the same thing, the full moon is not until Dec 10!!! however, he can sense the stress and bustle of the preperations for Thanksgiving. He will continue to argue but sometimes it will be worse. Just repeat, He has dementia why am I so inclined to argue back with him?? and then go on about you business. I know it is frustrating but it is part of the beast.
It is any change that sets off my DW. It matters not how obscure or how minute, any change is not welcome. I recently put new trim and paint in our living/dining room, a process that took about a week. She argued with me over every step and the same ones as well.
The ugly thing is that she cannot remember what we talked about 5 minutes ago, so every sentence is a new beginning.
Oh, you are so right, and Why oh why do I insist on correcting him, or making him wrong. Let him be right, for goodness sake. It doesn't matter if the bedspread is green or brown. I try so hard to remember that. It doesn't matter.
One of the neurologists in Sid's memory disorder clinic has a classic demonstration. He holds up a big blue pen and tells the caregiver it is red. When the CG starts to argue that it is blue, he insists it is red, until the CG "gets it", which is to say - DO NOT ARGUE with someone with AD. If he says it's red, it's red, no matter what color it is. If he says it's snowing when it's sunny and warm, nod and agree. It hurts no one and it diffuses arguments.
It took me many times of fustration and anxiety thru the initial yrs to realize thats exactly what has to be said. if they say its 'red' then its red and forget trying to correct everything that is wrong. it will wear you totally out. my DH did this so often it was like he was being his contradictive 'lawyer' self. if i said it was a pretty day, he said it was cloudy. if it was new, then he said he had it many yrs, and many many things that will drive you bonkers if you let it. just turn and walk away if my advice!:) divvi
It took me a while to figure out that arguing with my DH about things just made me feel like an old hag and he did not change anyway. Now I just don't argue and change the subject. Life is much better that way and I actually feel more comfortable about it. If he is trying to do something that is dangerous, I just call one of my brothers who then "drop by" and offer assistance to him. They get the task done safely and that is such a relief to me.
As a person who is always been right<g>, even when I was wrong, this was one of the toughest lessons. Never, never, never argue. This required a complete mindset change for me. It requires learning that the words she says, don't necessarily mean what you think they mean. A giant light bulb went off over my head during one of the "I want to go home. We are home and this has been our home for 25 years" discussions. Home turned out to be the house where she went to high school from. Now sometime we will go home, "in a little while" or "let's go tomorrow" or "let's wait until the mail gets here". All these work well, because five minutes from now, all things are forgotten. This kind of logic is exactly the kind of stuff that you need sleep for. Rest, particularly 4-5 hours of contiguous sleep, recharges you and lets you remember, be gentle, don't argue, when your natural tendency is to prove your point and always be right. Right moves to a whole new (higher) plane.
Learning not to argue was very difficult, because like dking, I was always right as well! <grin> But I did learn that by either agreeing, or just dropping the subject or changing the subject, kept my husband from being agitated and he would then settle down. I think that maybe they are looking for confirmation that what they are seeing is being transmitted to their brain correctly, but can't accept it when they find out that they are wrong. With their reason button broken, there is no way of our helping them correct their assumptions. Our job is to keep them calm and happy and not loose our sanity in the process. <grin>
Each stage has its own problems...at stage 6, when weather means nothing to him, my husband wants to go outside in cold, rainy weather to hand pick leaves out of the flower beds..talk about an argument! We try to get him to come in the kitchen for a snack, watch a movie, ANYTHING to get his mind off of going outside! This is a hair puller-outer folks.
I'm one of those person's who's always been right <g> and I know this is a big lesson to learn. I guess I just have to bite my tongue, let it go and difuse it. Thank you for the suggestions.
There is more than arguing going on here. We also need to remember that once they can't orient themselves in time, reality or anything else, that we also need to stop trying to orient them.
At this point it is still OK to tell my husband today is Wednesday, but pretty soon it won't be. And if he started trying to tell me it was actually Monday, I'd just let it go. I know he already doesn't always understand the difference between lunch and supper, as far as time goes. Pretty soon I'll be able to move the main meal to lunch where I've wanted it to be for quite a while and it won't matter to him either way. But right now, most of the time, he does understand.
Mary its time for the deadbolt on the outside doors as well as the bedroom:) works wonders keeping my DH from mozying out at will. i bet he tugs on them dozens of times during the day just to 'see' if he can escape. if he got out i dont know if i can redirect him back in if hes in one of his moods to not come back in,Divvi
yes, i have the deadbolts that turn a knob and lock and he was out the door in notime. i had to get the ones with keyed deadbolt inside and out. works great. just dont leave the key in the bolt or they are out in a flash. i hide it nearby out of sight and everyone but him knows where it is:) divvi