Does anyone have any good ideas on how to handle Christmas, specifically Christmas cards?
This is our second marriage and we have a fairly extensive Christmas card list. Many of these people are from out of town, and the Christmas letter is the primary way we keep in touch. My wife is in the early stages, so no one knows that she has any problem. In fact, she is still able to fool even the people she sees regularly.
I can’t start telling people about the AD in the Christmas letter, but I am curious how others handle something like this.
I have the same problem. Last year I wrote our last "happy letter".
This year, over the year as it came up, I went public about his problems. I told neighbors in groups face to face. I did group emails for people he was still more or less in contact with. If they wrote him, I wrote back since he no longer does his own emails. For me it was one of the signals to start going public. We have a tiny family (long story on that one that predates my adulthood) with literally a HUGE extended family that never knew him and who I mostly have never met in person. I told the family that did know him what was going on, again in a group email. In that email I was a lot more detailed and specific as to how we got the diagnosis. As long as there were questions I kept the group email list together.
I'm still trying to decide if I send out cards or not. My daughter managed to get some good photos of both of us. Even ones without his blank look. He always was hard to take photos of because he constantly talked to the camera - even waaay before dementia struck. But she got some good ones.
I think I'm going to cull the list heavily. It had loads of people who worked for him or with him or were vendors for his various companies on it. And I'm going to do a photo card. Now all I have to do is actually do it.
I did a 3-photo Christmas letter this year. One of DH and me, one of him and our doggy; and one of him and our son (who is awaiting pancreas and kidney transplants). Then on the back I just wrote up-dates on what is going on with DH and my son. Of course, this only goes to out-of-town close friends and relatives. I showed him the photo page (before I wrote on the back); and he was excited about the photos.
Why can't you start telling people about the AD in the Christmas letter, if this is the primary way you keep in touch?
If your wife doesn't want people to know yet, then of course, it might be best to honor her wishes.
But if she doesn't mind, this might actually be the best time to say something.
Perhaps two letters. For people you don't know as well, a simple sentence, near the end, that this year has been touched with sadness since your beloved wife has been diagnosed with AD. For those who are closer to the two of you, perhaps add that she is still doing fairly well and would love visits or phone calls from them.
THIS IS WHAT I SENT LAST YEAR - I'm sharing the beginning and the end - but omitted the paragraphs about our children and new grandbabies and pets and travels that I include. I either buy Christmas paper or make a border of holly from Word to go around the edge. I sign and fold the paper and place it in the Christmas card. This year I'm adding our photo that we had professionally done, since it is probably the last one we'll be able to have with my husband not having the blank look. We had to turn down several shots before we got one that wasn't the blank look this time.
Merry Christmas!!
We hope that you and your loved ones have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! We are enjoying and treasuring each day we are given with our relatives and friends, who mean the world to us. Please keep in touch with us. We have sad news to tell you. At the end of last year, (my husband) was experiencing memory loss, and the inability to find the words he needed in speaking, so I made an appointment for us with his doctor, and after testing, it was confirmed that (my husband) has Alzheimer’s. The doctor prescribed medication to try to slow the symptoms, but in (my husband’s) case, that is not happening. During this holiday time, we are especially thankful for the many blessings we have received, and wanted to let you know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Enjoy life to the fullest as we are doing each day!
With love,
Maybe this will give you an idea of what you want to write, if you have friends who haven't been told, and don't want to tell in person or on the phone.
mary, I think I'm going to copy and paste your comments. It was beautifully stated, and it said so much. Although DH has been Dx for several years, and I have verbally told our friends and close family, many do not know. i just loved how you said it. thanks
Thanks for the ideas. As you guessed, Sunshyne, my wife is not comfortable telling anyone yet.
She really does well with others (I don't understand how) so doesn't want people to know. I'm not sure she is convinced herself that it is AD that is her problem but she definitely knows she cannot do many things she did before. She depends on me, for fixing dinner, for doing the shhopping, for making any decisions, for helping her remember, ... lots of things. As long as she stays agreeable and lets me take over, I don't want to rock the boat. We'll just keep things going smoothly as long as possible.
Thanks for your suggestions, the letter you have Mary, I'm sure I'll use something like that when the time comes.
Skee, that wasn't hard to guess -- my husband was adamant that he didn't want anyone else to know at first. We didn't tell anyone for two years. And despite the fact I was taking him in to work with me every day, and we didn't tell anyone that he wasn't the President/CEO any more, I don't think anyone guessed that he had a problem. He was that good at fooling others. Of course, I did a lot to help him keep his problems under wrap. I eventually took over all his responsibilities, and I intercepted phone calls and emails, and then just offered to pass messages along etc, so he didn't ever deal directly with Government officials or executives at other companies.
it appears that L. has, as Reagan put it, begun the journey that will lead him into the sunset of his life.
and a couple of other sentences of elaboration.
Our "letter" does not go to people we're in contact with otherwise, and I don't usually get it out until well after Christmas (I do try to get it done by Twelfth NIght!) so we didn't get any feedback last year. I get all the mail now so will screen it.
Here is the comment I put in our Christmas letter in 2005:
"This year we have “Good News” and “Bad News”. To get the “Bad News” out of the way first, Marge has developed Alzheimer’s Disease. She is still in the early stages, but I have had to take over many household duties, such as cooking. She also is no longer driving. Because I cannot leave her alone for any extended period of time, I have had to give up going on our yearly mission trip to the Dominican Republic."
Then each year I put in a brief update on her condition. Here is the one for 2008 (if I get around to sending it):
"Most of our life now is dedicated to taking care of Marge as she continues to get worse with her Alzheimer’s Disease. One good thing in this regard was the opening of Friendship Cottage, an Adult Day Care center located just 3½ miles from us here in Blue Hill. Most weeks she goes there Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings so I can go to the YMCA to get some exercise, work in the Free Clinic, or do shopping."
This letter goes to all of our friends that we don't see on a regular basis. I also send it to family since they always want to know what I said. As her condition continues to deteriorate I try to make sure that people we are with know the situation. That way they are less likely to get upset by some of her bizarre behavior.
When we were at Mayo for the diagnosis, a nurse spent about 2 hrs with me "educating" me on the journey ahead. One of the things they stressed was the importance of notifying those that are closest to us about DW diagnosis to help develop a support network. I thought long and hard about doing that....should I or shouldn't I ? I decided to wait until the annual Christmas letter went out but, upon further thought, figger'd that would be a real downer at Christmas. Rather, I sent out a "Thanksgiving" letter explaining what was going on in our lives and asked folks to appreciate their health and their family's health. Once your on this side of the fence (war?), it takes on a whole new perspective. Thenneck
Well once again, I may be the lone caregiver out. From the day of diagnosis. We have been honest with everyone. I don't know if it's cause I am a really straight forward type person or that I am of the thinking that people need to know that YES this awful disease can strike even the young. Everyone one was Rod? No way! (because he's has always been one of the more intelligent people they know). Well read and, overly up on current events etc. So everyone knows! I have no issue even telling strangers, as this disease progresses even strangers can tell something is off and with the way we are trying to approach the disease by keeping him doing the things he loves to do (fishing, camping etc) I sometimes have to call on strangers to help check something on the travel trailer as I am learning the whole mechanical process (since he can't do those things anymore) or double check for safety, I always explain my situation and ask for a second opinion on hook up, propane changes, pilot light startups etc. And as much as he and some of his family felt he was hiding it, many people knew something was wrong, or put 2 and 2 together after they were told. So I am of the belief that the more people that know the more people who are kind and helpful to my Dh. I don't and wont hide it, but that's just me, I think the whole dammmmmmmmm world should know that this disease can strike anyone!
Rk, in this you are not alone. I have always been upfront with everyone as well. Mainly because I see nothing to try to "hide". I think everyone appreciated my honesty, many thanked me for letting them know so they could spend "quality" time with him while he still knew them. Lynn may not recall their time, but, they do. I think that is important.
I also agree that it helps to get rid of some of the crazy myths. Lynn was a master builder and plumber. He could measure out how much of each material he needed for the whole house all in his head! He was amazing to see in action.
As for cards- I do as Marsh does, I update everyone as each year passes.
As for those close to us, our family, and friends with whom we travel, etc, they knew pretty quickly. But they saw us often enough that they knew without being told. I think the Cristmas letter is for those who we don't see, but who would be interested to know and who would care. The cousin in Florida, whom we see, maybe every 2 years is a good example, or far flung friends who we haven't seen in a long time. those close to us, though, have known for sometime.
Nikki, I agree I think everyone appreciated knowing, and being able to enjoy time with him while he can still enjoy them. In my humble opinion, you really can't hide it. People can tell something is off. So many of his really close friends had already asked me what was up. Long before he was diagnosed. It was only the people who were in denial (his family) or friends and family we don't see often that couldn't see it. My Dh was like your's. That's one of the first things I noticed being off, his ability to look at a project and know what it would take to complete. Rk
My husband was up front and told everyone, even our neighbors while doing yard work. It made it much easier for me but I would have respected what ever he had wanted to do. I did tell family but when they visited or called he would tell them himself. It does make life easier. He has been doing great on the medications but the last couple weeks he has been very tired and sleepy. We are unsure of how much longer he will work.