I pushed Dee to go shopping with my sister and her daughter yesterday evening ( it was great for me to get out )... Today when I talked to my sister she said Dee had nothing but negitive thing to say about me during the trip and that in general she was negative about everything... On there drive home after dropping Dee off my sisters daughter said auntie Dee sounds as though she hates uncle Dan.. My sister told her daughter,, that must come from the illness........ Needless to say this has bothered me all day... Is this a typical ?... How can they hate someone that works so hard to keep them comfortable and does everything for them.... Damn-it this shit is really hard to understand at times... can you tell I;m kinda bummed... Has this type of negitive talk happened to others ?...................
She doesn't hate you--no matter what she says--she doesn't hate you. She would be lost and terrified if you were not there for her. Most of us do everything for our LO, then they turn on you and it's hard not to take it personally. I certainly can't get into their minds, we can only guess and speculate why they say and do disagreeable things, but it's the disease--she doesn't hate you. The things my DH said to me when he was sick were terrible, but I never believed those were really 'his' words, I always believed it was the disease. Trust me, she loves you.
Deep down she doesn't hate you. The anger and hateful talk comes from the brain damage. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to handle. It hurts deeply, but it isn't her talking. It is the disease. That said, I know it doesn't help much to hear that. Hurt is hurt, and you can't help how you feel, but you are not alone. Check out the blogs I wrote on this subject and the message board topics.
Blogs- http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/loveturnstohate.htm and http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/eyeshaveit.htm
Message Board topics- http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=939 or just do a search for "When love turns to Hate". Also- http://thealzheimerspouse.com/vanillaforum/comments.php?DiscussionID=943 or search for "It's in the eyes."
For we men, the hardest part is not being able to use logic to resolve what would normally be a small problem to be solved. When somebody is mad at you, you say "what's the problem?'". From there you either find out there really isn't a problem; you agree to stay away from each other; or you kick their ass. Now these basic rules are off. She may be mad at you, herself, the world, the cat or not mad at all. She cannot process the thoughts that come into her head in what we think of as a logical manner. The anger or negative things she may say might be frustration at not being able to express exactly what she means or frustration that you can't understand something that is perfectly clear to her. My wife will suddenly appear in front of me and say something like, "that thing, is that right?". In her head there was a whole story or conversation that she thinks I participated in, but have not. I have learned that "Is what right?" is not an appropriate response. That will trigger a couple of hours of marching around the house, tossing things, scowls and glaring eyes that wear both of us out. A better response is "I don't know, tell me some more about it". If she stumbles on the words, "slow down, let me help you". Keep your tone low and even. Mind your facial expression and body language (I have practiced not shrugging my shoulders and not sighing at ridiculous stuff).
When we are tired or just having a bad day ourselves, these little triggers can get out of control. You can't see them coming, you don't know what causes them and often you don't recognize that you're in one until it's too late.
We are all supermen and can handle anything that comes our way. We go through a period where it is demonstrated to us that this is not true. We wonder if we will be able to do the things that we know we must do. After a while, we shake off the sadness and loss (as best we can), and learn many new skills. We become nice, at least nicer than we have ever been.
So the short answer is yes. It is important to not take the negative talk or behavior personally. Separate the illogical behavior from the person that you married. You have a lot to do and you don't have time or energy to let things that are said or done because of AD, bother you.
Dandee: Among the many bits of good advice that my therapist gave me were these two: 1. You can NEVER reason with someone with AD, no matter how lucid they may sound at the time, 2. If you are lulled into believing what they are saying, repeat to yourself "AD is a degenerative, progressive brain DISEASE that has no cure"
So, even though is it very hard when your spouse blames you or whatever she is saying at the time, it is not logical, not based on anything rational, you just have to let it go. Of course, that is much easier said than done, and the fact I spent the first 6-9 months after my DH was diagnosed in intense therapy dealing with all the horrible things he had said to me before the diagnosis shows how hard it is to let those statements go.
Fortunately, now my husband's statements about me to others are mostly about how I made him be tested for AD, took away his carkeys, etc.-----all actions that make perfect sense to everyone except him, so it's easier to deal with, and he usually only "loses" it directly at me @ once a week for a few minutes, and then is nice again.
Dan, She doesn't hate you. Take heart in that it is you she can take her frustrations out on, as it is you she loves the greatest. Lynn use to be down right mean, it hurt.. I knew it was the disease, but it still hurt. Now, not so much. If he does say something now , I simply smile and I say I love you too. 9 times out of 10 I will get a hug and I love you too right back :)
That's what my husband tells me when I talk to him about his depression and withdrawl. He seems to perk up around others, but with me he withdraws, cries and is so helpless. He tells me I am the only one he can "talk" to or just be what he is feeling. He thinks I am the only one who can understand him or love him. No matter how much I try to show or explain that I am not the only one, he won't believe me.
You are her rock, her support, and I'm sure she was frightened without you. and feeling insecure, and she probably was 'mad' at you for sending her out with 'other people'. I must say, my immediate reaction is, ' why the heck did your sister tell you that?' You didn't need to know what your wife said. Remember, that she loves you, no matter what, and she needs you, and she's like a frightened child, who tells their parent that they hate them. It's really hard, but it is what it is.