Now that my husband is safely in a dementia facility I wondered if I should continue with the group. While in the throes of providing very accute care I had no chance to think about myself. Sleep and sanity were gone. Every day was a struggle and I really didn't understand what to do. No facility would take an aggressive exit seeking fairly young person.I felt at fault and helpless, not doing or wanting to do what was best. When placement came I wasn't sure if it was for my convenence or his safety. That guilt will stay with me. Reading the daily posts takes me back to the begining. Now I have better understanding and less guilt. I am realizing the hurt I was experiencing and with your help am able to let some of it go. I can share my feelings here better than I ever could with a therapist. Who but you can know how I feel. I haven't cried yet but m finally coming close.
bluedaze there is a place here for everyone on the journey, including the people on the other end. And you are still in the middle of it.
One of the things that makes things around here work is that someone else will know what you are going through no matter where you are. That means we need YOUR wisdom, and there are people here who have wisdom for you.
I will miss you if you decide to leave. I really don't want you to go.
Bluedaze, I think the essence of your post explains exactly why you need to continue here. "who but us can understand?"I have read between the lines of your posts for some time how very difficult the placement of your husband was for you. resentment anger fustration fear, all of that comes thru the words you write. I think maybe the actual placement itself is somewhat more tolerable knowing he is safe and in a controlled atmosphere. I may be going out on a limb here, but my feeling is that it isnt so much the placing him but the WAY you had to place him. it wasnt a choice of if you can or would- but an immediate have to- a no choice =due to danger and aggression. Having those fearful and hurtful feelings as the 'last' connect between you before having him placed surely leaves you with those feelings of regret and remorse. you must remember AD affects each person so differently and sometimes there is nothing we can do to intervene that will change the outcome. I hope you stay and can in time, with the help of this group,let go of all this fustration, anger and relentless torturing yourself over what was or wasnt done for your husband. he is in a safe haven now and you should know you have given it your all your energy. When you finally allow yourself to truly believe this, you will then allow yourself the healing cleansing tears that are necessary to put finality to it all. til then my friend, we need you here for our own support as well. Divvi
Bludaze: Having been where you are many years ago & w/out this blessed spousal site, I think you would do well to stay for now. When DH was in a facililty, my CG-ing days were not over. Of course, I'd visit him, but there were problems even w/that. There was the girlfriend (he introduced to everyone as my wife, Betty), her pulling him away from me, there were meds to change or increase, his falling, doctor visits, needing a flu shot, haircut, toenails clipped, and it was a rare few days when I did not get a call from the facility about this or that. Stick around, you won't be sorry, and you'll be able to give advice and guidance to those, sadly, yet to come.
Do stick around, Bluedaze, we love hearing from you BUT: don't feel you must check in as constantly as before. Maybe right now you need to just breathe, and sleep, and forget about it to the extent that you can. I notice Bettyhere, and Frand, and Sandy, aren't around as much as before, maybe.. they're still here and we value their input VERY MUCH, but you also have to start retrieving your own life, which will include us less and less.
bluedaze, I think the coming holidays make everything harder for you. You do still need this group and we need you. I hope helping others here who are going through the same thing will be good therapy for you. Gosh, I can't imagine this place without you.
Bluedaze, we would all miss you and I know you would miss us......Betty is so right....your caregiving is still ongoing...just the circumstances have changed....This is still very new and very raw for you. I am here to tell you that it does get easier. Don't let the guilt grab hold.....just remember, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
Briegull, I read here several times a day....I worry about each and every one of you. I sometimes sit here and thank the good Lord that I am out of the "fire". When I read of what some of you are going through, old feelings come rushing back and I am practically overcome with emotion. So, even though I don't post very often I am reading every word that each of you write.
Thank you for all of your comments. I do post, but I never think that I "really" have anything to post as our situation isn't as advanced as some of you. But, Please believe me - it has been a living hell for about two years and I could not have gone through it without this message board. I felt like I was living in Dante's inferno and it was all my fault. My husband's moods are now better since the doctors made a change in his meds. I don't know how long it will last, but I am enjoying it while I can. And......I have learned it isn't my fault, I didn't cause it, I didn't create it and I sure can't make it go away. Bluedaze, please stay as long as it is comfortable for you. I have benefited so much by your posts.
bluedaze Please don't go. I placed my husband 3 months ago and I still need everyone here. I cried buckets thinking that there was no end. I cried as I was typing and it helped. Grieving and crying will come in time no one says that you have to cry now or have guilt now or relief now only you know that. I am so sad when I visit DH and I come here and vent and I have even given some advice as I am doing now. I am not giving up my once a month support group because there are new trials new medicine we keep finding out about ie cold pressed coconut oil and I am not ready to give up my AD spouse friends. joang made me realize that hate of this disease is healthy and understandable and by reading about what to expect and seeing it and asking about different have any of you experienced this has been so helpful Just knowing that you are not alone and able to vent or give us a chance to say way to go girl when you have a fleeing moment of lucidness with your DH and we all feel genuine happiness at times with each other. We have such little good news that when someone posts it we all share in their joy that is what keeps me coming back here day after day. Jenene
bluedaze. I found when I put my husband in a care facility and finally got him settled after three moves, I was totally exhaused. I took the summer to grieve and rest. Between visit to see my LO, I took care of myself and tried not to get involved into too much outside activity. It did help, and I am now able to try to go on with my life and revisit old friends and go back to my art work. It did not happen over night and still get very down when I visit Ralph. I don't cry much anymore, but I do feel so sad for what is lost in both our lives.
I don't often post here, but do read the posts. It does bring back memories of hard times, anger at not being able to drive, depression, etc. and my heart goes out to all of you going through these difficult times. You do whatever is comfortable for you.
You will find what is best for you. Give yourself some time, the tears will come or maybe not. If you can, let go of the guilt. You did the best you could and now he is in hands that know how to care for him. I look at Ralph now and know I could never do for him what his "angels" do for him. God bless you on this journey, and please be good to yourself and don't let this disease take two lifes.
What a blessing you are, Bluedaze. All of you are, you know. I would hate to see you leave. We can learn so much from you. Some of us will eventually be placed in the same situation you are in now. And, you are still a CG, even though someone else is seeing to most of his needs.
You do need to let those tears come. Don't try to stop them. Rest--you need to rest now. A warm shower and some lotion--crawl into your bed and let sleep come. And don't set your alarm. Burn off your phone and sleep until you can't sleep anymore. Your body really does need that! .
My prayers are that you will be feeling much better soon.
bluedaze, are you questioning whether you "belong" here any more? Or are you trying to tell us that you have reached a point where actively participating is opening fresh wounds every time you're here, and you think you would heal better if you took a little respite from this site?
I'm sure you know that you belong, and that we love you and want you to stay. But if you need to take a break, we would miss you very much, but we would understand.
bluedaze, we all came here because we needed answers. What we received was so much more. We have become friends. Through good and bad. We need each other, no matter what stage our spouses (spice) are at, or whether they are still at home, or being cared for away from home. You have brought so many smiles to my face, especially with your love of your cats. I can imagine a part of what you have gone through by what you have written here at Joan's place. I know that it still lies ahead for me, and I know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. When that time comes, I'll need you here to hold MY hand. Stay. With love.....
bluedaze, Please don't leave, I need you & your wisdom dealing with FTD. At the moment I don't know if I have the patience to deal with this dreadful disease, I definitely need you to hold my hand. However, as sunshyne mentioned if it is opening fresh wounds that is another story. I would never want to impose on your healing process.
As usual sunshyne nailed it. Fresh wounds do open as I experience your hurts as mine over and over again. The difference is now I have the wisdom from the group that I didn't before. I have a better understanding of what was going on. I can take a breath, stand back and rethink what I had to do. I believe my choices and actions were proper and I would do the same thing again. Talking with you is giving me the chance to heal that I didn't have the first time around. While I'm feeling mushy I would like to share something with you from The Little Zen Companion book that my son gave to me: Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. Love, Nora
I am not sure if it is really a fresh wound opening or one that I put a bandaid on and really haven't dealt with when some of the experiences of others really hit home.
A very wise woman said to me early in the journey that you make the best decisions you can at the time and go forward. When you look back later don't be surprised if you look at some of choices and think "what was I thinking!".
The process you are going through is healing and taking the time now to deal with all those hidden wounds will make you much stronger and healthier later.