Today's Blog is about feeling more than sad - it's about slipping into depression. I am trying my best to avoid it, but it is difficult. How do you keep depression at bay? Or do you?
Yeah, I feel like I always carry that potential. At least I always live with one chronic, core, emotional layer that is always sad. So, it's always there, I just try to tap into the other layers--like the ones that have to do with my kids, and nature, and my writing projects. I think this is connected to the ability to disconnect that we've discussed in other threads. (sometimes referred to by that not-entirely-lovely phrase "the emotional divorce.") That is how I have to structure my emotional life.
Joan, since the day of this awful diagnosis what I call "the black cloud over my head" is everpresent, some days descending lower than other days. Nights in bed seem to be particularly difficult and I often have trouble falling asleep, thinking, thinking, what is and what will inevitably be. I'm not calling this a full blown depression as I can still get up in the morning and get on with the day. Only once in my life did I experience true depression and I know the difference. I would get help if I thought I was getting to that point again.
Joan, I find that there are days when the tears are always just below the surface. When we had such a bad day on Tuesday, I was already feeling just so low and then having Gord take off without me just did me in. I really work on one minute at a time, I try to be grateful for the good things that are in our life. I am going to a psychiatrist and she says I am coping very well but of course, she is not in my head. I don't know how anyone dealing with this disease can be anything but depressed at least part of the time.
I realized I needed help when I took Bill into the doctor and the doctor ask how I was doing. I broke down and just started crying, I couldn't even talk. It was then I started taking Lexapro and it made a world of difference. I was on it for about seven months. At this time I feel stronger and more able to cope with what's going on. I haven't taken it for three months but I would take it again if I felt I needed it.
Ooops! I'm editing this first part as I realize late that I didn't lead in to what I am upset about......................................here goes!
For days now my DH has been relentless in his whining, and accusing, and clinginess. It is not now just a late in the day or evening issue. He's like sundowning ALL DAY for numerous days on end. I called the neurologist's office. I have to see if I can give him something different, or stop one of his other meds, Aricept, Namenda, or Depakote. They haven't done a single thing for him. He continues to be difficult.
I'm about 3/4 of the way "to the bottom" right now. I put a Xanax in DH morning meds, which he only took an hour ago with lunch, and he is asleep at the moment. Now I can let down and cry. Just got a call back from the neurologists nurse just so I could repeat what I said in my message. RN tells me, "I'll discuss this with Dr N. and get back to you with what he wants to do. Ugh! Waiting...............and waiting.
Before AD dominated my household I was a caregiver for my parents. Placed my Dad (AD) after a year, then Mom died of ovarian cancer a year after that. She lived with me when she passed on. We were so very close, and despite "knowing" her death was imminent it wasn't any easier. 3 days after her passing DH was difficult, and becoming more obvious that he had some form of dementia. He seemed to not understand (I felt didn't care- at the time) that I was grieving and just three days after losing Mom he wanted me to turn into his sexy wife, and dote over him constantly. 6 weeks later he had elective surgery under a general anesthesia. Since then he has been all over the map as far as confusion, delusions, and is forgetful and argumentative. It took me another 6 weeks to get him through many doctor appts and tests to get a blanket diagnosis of probable AD. We started meds with slight improvement only, and one year later he began to decline. Add another med, go two months looking better, and bang. Like sliding on an icy hill.
I resent AD so much. I was never allowed the time to grieve for the loss of my Mom, and then thrown straight back to the caregiver role. I never really got myself "grounded" again.
DH is at the far end of moderate stage, but still walks, talks, feeds himself. Just after his diagnosis, I was already getting deeper and deeper into depression. I spoke to my doctor and began antidepressants. It's been two years now and they worked wonders for me. But life with AD goes on, and I still have some very low days.....like today. His delusions/confusion start from the minute he wakes up. My kids are going nuts. Son, 15 is getting bossy and rebellious. Daughter 17 is very temperamental and hates him. She legitimately is emotionally unstable and has been in treatment since age 5 -1/2. Now she is starting to resent me for the life we are all living. And I am starting to resent DH's AD because I have never been able to help my daughter prepare to face the world. It all sucks.
This morning DH picks right up with the attacks. He says, "there was that gal (me) sleeping on the couch last night. Glad she left. She was such a B#$%h! Where were you last night? Out with your boyfriend? At least tell the truth." Next he rants because he doesn't know how he ended up here at this house. He says I'm lying to him about how and when we got here (7 years ago). In the midst of this I'm searching the bathroom cabinets for his shavers because he is ranting about not finding any. He walks in the bathroom and he says to me in a not so nice tone, "are you ever gonna make love to me?" Barf, I'm repulsed by that statement. It totally grossed me out because it was as if it were coming from a total CREEP who didn't know me....and I didn't know him. My Son heard it............ and at their age they are especially grossed out to even imagine Mom and Dad "do that stuff." The kids are also at the age where they don't keep their comments to themself. So, every day is a NUT house around here.
Neither the neurologist nor his nurse called me back. Here I am on the verge of a break down all day today...........and I get no help. I hoped the doctor would tell me to stop one of the meds, better yet order risperdol or seroquel. But No, I heard nothing. It's now 8:20 pm here, and our only pharmacy in town closed at 6.
Oh, New Realm, I feel so much for you. I hope today is a better day. Why is it that the sex drive is the last thing to be affected by AD - in fact it seems to only enhance it?
Just a side note...Robert's doc took him off of Xanax because it can cause "extreme confusion". I don't know if removing it helped alot because that was the same time he was put on the AD meds. I was really nervous about removing the Xanax. I knew that when Robert got especially aggitated, I could say "I think you need your medicine and it would help calm him down." But, he has been ok. He certainly didn't get any worse anger wise ad I think he's calmed down some. You have to be careful when weaning them off of Xanax, because stopping too soon can cause them to go through withdrawal.
Also, I noticed something in your post that is very similar to our situation. Robert's symptoms also magnified or really showed up after he had surgery. He had a vasectomy reversal in Oct '05. We were going to try for a 3rd child. It was a couple months after that where he began acting strangely. We still did not know what was going on and he had to have surgery again in June 06. After that surgery, everything went downhill very quickly.
I hope you hear from the neurologist this morning. I would become a gnat driving his receptionist crazy until you do.
I've been thinking lately about talking with my doctor about anti-depressants for me. I'm just not sure yet if that's the answer or not.
I hope you were able to rest last night (Advil PM is my best friend right now) and that you will have a more relaxing day today.
New Realm, I do hope your doctor gets back to you this morning. If not, keep after them. My, you deserve a break, caring for parents and now a husband with AD and teenagers. Don't know how you do it, but I know we do what we have to do. You need to take care of yourself.
Depression has been a constant companion for the last few years. I have tried different anti-depressants, but the only one I could tolerate was Lexapro until it stop working. I could not take anything that would make me drowsy or sleep to sound the last year. I had to be aware of what Ralph was doing. I really struggled some days but when I woke feeling down, I tied to adjust my day. Now I am not sure how I will do with being alone after my family leaves. The last four years I have not kept up with things around the house, so hopefully can tackle all those things I let slide. Darlene
Its 10:30 a.m. Doctor's office nurse just called. Want me to stop the Depakote. DH has only been on it for one month so apparently OK to just stop without tapering. They ordered Klonipin which I will be picking up soon. Told me to monitor for increased confusion or sedation. I have a drug book from my last year nursing at the hospital (2003). Looked this one up for more detail. It works on the area of the brain that controls emotion.
We've been ripping each other up all morning. DH went down stairs to check on the kitty, and outside to check the dog, and our pet goat. Comes back upstairs after a few minutes and is calm and sweet.
Now if the lady from out of town who said she would adopt our goat shows up today it will take another big load off my shoulders. She was expected yesterday, never showed, and I had no number to call her. We've only e-mailed. I haven't shopped for Christmas. Too stressed. I felt getting the goat off to a new home would take so much pressure off me that I'd be able to calm down and deal with everything better. In the end I was stuck here all day with all this stuff going on.
I have had trouble holding it together today. I seem to be wrapped up in thinking about Christmases past and what future ones will be like. Gord has been good but the tears and sadness are really taking over more and more as the day wears on. I don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas by being a drag and whining. Perhaps just typing the words will help the depression.
It's NEVER whining. It's your feelings at the moment, and you're entitled to them. If writing helps, then keep on writing. That's what the board is here for.
Jan & all: I am holding out my hand to you in understanding, it's a difficult time right now, but it will be OK. There are Christmas's yet to come, they will be different, but they will come. Of course there is great sadness, if you can't be sad and cry when your loved one has AD, then when can you?
I understand how you are both feeling, I drove to the city this morning to get JR's teeth fixed, I cried most of the way there and also on the way home. songs on the radio etc, sometimes if just all seems to unfair! you are not alone, we are all in this together and hugs and warm wishes to all. Kathy
Add me to the list tonight of depressed and sad victims of this disease. I had done OK today, but tonight our daughter and her family came by for snacks...traditional Christmas Eve stuff. My LO was OK while they were here, just exceptionally quiet. After they left, the TV was on some channel that the kids were watching before they left and there was some cartoon of some sort on and it was loud. My husband said "what is that noise" I turned the TV off, he said his head was spinning and the TV scared him. He seemed out of control and very confused. He scared me! I thought for a few moments I might have to call 911. I finally calmed him down and gave him his nightime meds and put him to bed. He was still shaking. I don't know if it was the company and the excitement (they were only here for three hours) or if it was the TV but something really spooked him. We are expecting kids tomorrow for dinner and I am wondering if I have done the right thing inviting them. I thought it would be easier than us going out to different houses in the darkness. He says he enjoys them coming, but just has a very difficult time handling the social interaction. I truly feel like I have a special needs child that just had a traumatic experience of some sort. I am so sad tonight I feel like crying and having a real pitty party, but I have to prepare for dinner guests tomorrow. I too find myself reflecting how Christmas was last year (he has progressed a lot in the past 12 months) and wondering about the years to come.
It is so wonderful that everybody here is so supportive. It really hit me hard to see that Gord had so much trouble writing tags for my presents. I wrote the words on a piece of paper for him but he could not do it. I wrote them myself and helped wrap my presents. It is really a decline from last year. It is so frightening.
Merry Christmas to all and God Bless us, every one.
It is 10:30 here, JR went to bed at 8, our kids are at their inlaws tonight, this is certainly a first for me, I have never sat alone on Christmas eve. Here I sit having a cup of tea.....wondering if I should have something stronger. I guess I should go to bed, we will be alone most of the day tomorrow as well. Kids will be here in the afternoon for supper. I just hope JR has a good day tomorrow. Take CAre all and Merry Christmas. Kathy
Thanks Jang,. well it certainly was a different Christmas, JR spend most of the day laying in bed, then when the kids showed up around 3 he stated he was not invited to the dinner so was not going to go. Our son convinced him that we certainly was invited so he got up and shared the meal with us. Kids are gone home now and JR is back in bed. I hope tomorrow is a good day. If so we will drive about 3 hrs and go see my family. Thanks for your caring and concern. it amazes me where we all find the strength to keep going on. Kathy