I can't take this crap anymore, I just want to tell him if you want to blow your head off, do it and stop threatening me with with the thought that you will.
Venting is good. It is OK to vent. This is the one place where you can say the unsayable and think the unthinkable and know that we all understand. The problem is that you wrote that 21 minutes ago, and I've only just showed up.
If you have never called the Alzheimer's Association hotline, think about it. 1-800-272-3900 They are open 24/7. You can call them in the middle of the night when you need another human voice. They will offer practical help if that is what you need, but they will also just talk you down if you let them know you need that.
They will send you more information than you can believe, totally free. But you can also tell them not to send anything if you've got mailbox issues. You can give them your phone number, or not, as you wish. If they have an address and/or a phone number expect follow up.
jules, I am sorry for what you are going through right now, but from other postings, I think this too shall pass. Can you put him or yourself in another room so you don't have to listen until he calms down??
You may need to get something from your Doctor to help keep you calm and to try and calm him down. I would certainly try. Good Luck and lots of HUGS.....
Jules as Starling said call the helpline they are wonderful. I also had the threats, the hate I saw in his eyes when he would come after me. Why don't you just shoot me I can't live like this he would say, put me in a home so I don't have to live with you anymore all you do is argue with me. Yes I did argue I've learned that it was useless but at the time you can't fathom that a disease can do this so fast to a person. I have learned that our LO think like toddlers and knowing that puts a lot in perspective. They will say and do anything to get their own way because they think they know what is best but does a toddler know what is best? I slept with my cellphone in my bra and when you are in the same room you must first think about what you have to do to excape that room. I called the number many times till I found this board because I didn't have anyone who knew what I was going through. Hugs to you and vent as often as you need to. We understand. Jenene
After talking about it repeatedly, my father killed himself with a sawed-off shotgun when he was 70, after nine months of escalating panic and anxiety attacks that his family doctor handled poorly. It wouldn't have been a shock if he had killed my mother first, in fact, thinking that he was "helping" her by "taking her away from this terrible world."
While certainly very different, the traumatic effect on LOs of that kind of death is right up there with the long slow slide of dementia.
From what others have said, it sounds like you've already removed any guns from the house and that this falls into the category of demented raving. I'm so sorry you're having to live through all this.
But I just wanted to say that sometimes it's for real, so if there are still weapons around, please remove them for your own safety as well as his.
Jules, it is a crapy, crapy disease. All of us here know that it hurts our AD spouses. My husband wanted to take his life, but felt like he could not. I did remove guns, and he finally got off of that obsession. I often tried to put myself in his possition, and I don't know what I would have done. You may need some time away if that is posible. Take care.
My DH frequently makes suicidal statements. We've talked honestly about them and he swears he will not follow through and that he doesn't have a plan in place. We don't have guns, but there are so many other ways a person can commit suicide. I can't get rid of every potential weapon. His depression is so chronic and deep. He is so impulsive like a 5 year old. I fear I will come home one day and find that he has broken his promise.
Some days you just need to go to bed and hit it again tomorrow. I think I can survive again with a fresh perspective and some air. Thanks for the vent. And yes we do have guns in the house, an entire collection of colt handguns, never been fired or cocked. To do so would lessen their value as collectibles so I don't imagine even in his demented state he could get past that fact. They are too important to him, at least at this point. something I have to monitor very close. They are in a safe and I thought he couldn't remember the combination but some days he just goes and opens it. Wackiness.
Jules, take heed and get the guns out of the house or at least change the lock code so he cant get into the safe. AD is strange and can alter a persons thinking at ANY time, dont think hes rational all the time-it comes and goes in waves-guns and AD dont mix, period- no matter what stage they are in, as many will confirm. and especially if the word suicide is mentioned. its not only for his safety but yours as well. we are seeing in many posts how the AD person seems to lash out and blame the spouse for their AD. divvi
No guns. No guns. Please read the two discussion topics on this board relating to guns and AD. Go to the top of this page and click search. Write in guns, making sure the "topic" circle is filled in and click search again.
ammo or not if he were to point it at a "reasonable person" the law says that they can protect themselves and that could entail a law enforcement office shooting him first!!!!!! I took the keys to the gun cabinet right away he tears the house up looking for them but I just clean the mess. the keys are in my desk drawer at work.
Honest, even with a LO who normally isn't violent, it is possible that you might need to call the police. I did. Get those guns out of the house or at least move them into something locked and get the key out of the house ASAP.
Crap, crap, crap, crap................you think the driving thing is an issue! You have no idea if I try to take away his precious $50,000. gun collection. This is going to require some kind of drugs for sure. I'll work on it.
Well, the 'blame the authorities' worked for me a couple of times. What if you told him he has to stop talking about blowing his head off, or the police will take away his guns? Then get someone to come in and remove them. Sometimes they respond to a 'higher authority' because they don't remember how the law works. I did tell Andrea once that if she continued to do something the police might come. I only did it once, and in my defense I was under extreme duress, but I swear it kept her quiet about the stealing business.
I can see a million holes in this idea, but, heck, you haven't got a lot to lose.
OR, OR... there have been thefts lately in your area (getting worse because of the economy of course) and you really think you'd better put them in a vault away from home someplace safe. (I'm sure gun stores would know where you could do it) I don't think this would work with "working" guns but with a collection...
Where would I find out how to reset the combination? If I contact the safe company wouldn't they want his okay since he bought it in the first place? They would probably think I had stolen the safe and want to verify it somehow. It's one of those big safes, well actually two but the second one has a key and I can lock it and hide the key probably. If I try blaming the authorities in his present paranoid state, I'm afraid he would go balistic. Not a good idea, I think I will have to bring the son on board. You see we have been married only 4 years and I'm not the longest memory in his brain if you know what I'm saying.
Mostly the paranoid states ebb and flow.. what happened today may be forgotten tomorrow. OTOH, my husband continues to want to drive out to CalTech (California from RHode Island), and Joan's husband forever remembers the driving issue.
my dh went through the stage of crying and saying he wanted to die. i was scared everytime he left the house that he would do something to himself. sometimes he would cry and i would try to comfort him and i would ask him if there was any thing i could do or any thing he needed and he would just say "shoot me,just shoot me and get it over with,i don't want to live like this." that was some time ago, all guns are out of our home. he was never mean to me,he was begging for my help,of which i would not and could not give,in that respect. he is past that all now,and wouldn't know how to do anything like that if he thought about it. he has always been so loving and so sweet. if something does disturb him, i set on the couch with him and rub his head,shoulders,arms and try to make him feel safe. he is at the stage now where i am what makes him feel safe and he wants me with him every miniute. this is a crappy and terrible journey we are all being forced to travel. talk to your dhs dr. and get him some meds to help stablize and calm him,and while your at it,get something for yourself from your dr. too. meds can help the both of you,and there is no shame in taking something to help us through these horrible times. you have to take care of yourself too. no one knows better than all of us,what this terrible disease can do. jav
Jules we had a gun in the house no safe just a lock in the trigger but a few nights he would get the gun in the middle of the night and swore there was someone breaking into the house. The one time he said that he showed them the gun and they ran away. Another nite he said that some guys were trying to pry up the garage door so we went to the garage door and I said show me where they were trying to break in. Now I don't clean the bottom of the door so you can see there was dust and dirt that was not distirbed so he pointed to the floor and said see look there, well it was a old white paint streak but he was convinced that is where they used the bar. Once the gun was given to the SIL there never was another issue of people trying to break in. The times of night he would come downstairs and check the doors and even putting a lock and cable on a ladder in the garage so no one could steal it. We do not live in a high crime area but putting a cable and lock on a 25 dollar plastic table and chair set on the front porch was also part of his protect his stuff ideas. Our cars were never allowed to sit outside the garage for a bit because someone was going to steal them. You just can't know what they have going on in their heads or what is coming next that upsets them or what can calm them because the same thing don't work 2 times in a row.
Okay, I think I can put all the guns in the safe that locks with a key and I will keep that key somewhere hidden. That way if he is feeling good I can open the safe and he can look at the guns or show them to people. There will be no ammo so don't you think that will work for now until I can get his son here to help with decisions, sometime in December. Also what could the doctor give me that would make me sane but still keep me on my toes to deal with things? I'm not depressed, just mad at my world, like Sid.
If there is no ammo, and he can't get any, just taking care that the key is no place he can find it should be OK until you get his son there to help deal with the issue. And it sounds like he wouldn't normally shoot those guns anyway.
As for the meds, there are anti-anxiety meds out there. I'm not on any of them right now, but I've been offered them by my doctor. My husband and I have different doctors in the same medical group. She knows his situation and arranged for therapy for me at one point. The people here who are taking anti-anxiety drugs during the bad times swear by them. If you need them, you need to take them. When the time comes for me, I will accept drugs. Remember that being mad at the world IS depression.
Dementia kills caregivers. It is becoming obvious to the medical community that the caregiver needs to be taken care of because it is not unusual for the caregiver to die first from the stress and misery of the disease. On a recent re-showing of THE FORGETTING on PBS, both of the caregivers in the original program that was then 4 years old had died, and both of them died before the patient did. Considering that one of the patients was in late stage 7, that is saying a lot.
Jerene, my DB does the thing about people stealing things. Not really said he SAW someone- but the solar lights along the path - he wants to take them in at night so no-one will steal them; I tell him I'll go get them when it gets really dark - he's satisfied with that. Porch furniture also. Now he's talking about a home security system. I've diverted that - so far. He would be continually setting it off, I know. Oh, these 'joys'!
OH yes, fear that people will steal your stuff. such paranoia. But he's always been just a little suspicious. His parents were like that, afraid someone woulld take whatever small thing they had. Maybe from th4e depression, but a new thing came up last night. He got up in the middle of the night and turned the lights on. "MR Save Electricity" my dd used to call him, now turns on the lights at night. When I woke in the AM, I thought I hadn't turned them off, till he told me. Well, he remembered, that's a good thing.
My doctor put me on anti-depressants October 7. It took a couple of weeks but I do feel much better now. I do not feel so anxious and am able to just sort of let things roll. Whatever will be will be, I guess. I'm fully able to function and I have my complete wits about me. It's just that things don'g bother me like they did before. i think that's a good thing. I'd like to get off of them, but Dr. says not yet. He'll let me know.
Also, FYI, apparently the meds work globally. My BP, is down, blood sure (A1c) is down and cholorestol and triglicerides are way down. I think i'm getting a gold star on my chart.
If they are prescribed, it's because you need them you need them.
I'm cooking Thanksgiving for 12 and realy looking forward to it. I hope you all Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
Mawzy I know the global med and yes they help with stress which helps the BP but never dreaming that my Effexor would stop my need for bladder control medicine. That is a plus. There ain't as much gotta go right now hehehe. Do as the Dr. said because you can be fooled and think that you don't need them but it is much too soon to quit. My Mom says you don't need them but now with all this AD stuff she agrees that they help take the edge off and I am not a zombie on them.
The gun issue is something that lurks here too. I've read this with interest. Fortunately, the majority of DH's 'collection' was given to the kids and they've removed them from our home. BUT..the shotgun remains and his favorite deer hunting rifle. There is no way to predict the thinkings of our LO's. There is also the fact that I discovered which is, they can't handle firearms safely any longer. So aside from using them for self destruction, it also becomes a matter of safety for OTHERS. I think its best for us to create some circumstance whereby they are 'stolen' from his truck.. maybe when our grandson takes him to the store in the truck or etc.. If he thinks they've been stolen from our home, that might make him feel that he NEEDS the guns for our security. Does that make sense?
good for you Jules, you just have to take the bull by the horns and get yourself and him into the safety zone just in case. and its a really good idea to get his son in to help too. it always gives us older members relief when newer members take heed to our 'been there' members advice. so many things can go wrong when you least expect it.. divvi
Yes, Judy, that is exactly what I'm thinking. If he is told the guns were stolen, even more reason to have one to protect us from those evil people who come to steal everything. I have become much more aware of the possibility of involving some innocent person in a situation where things might get out of hand rather quickly, especially if they didn't know he had AD. So I'm re-thinking what my responsibility is in this madhouse world of Dementia and I will most likely have to make my own existence miserable to make us all safe. Again, crap,crap, crap,.......but thank you all for the appreciated comments. Just talking it out helps me get a better perspective.
We also have many hunting rifles at our home. I am contemplating having the firing pins removed. The problem is we still go to the shooting range at times. Maybe I could keep one for that with the pin in. They also have trigger locks.