I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read about Sid's latest perspective on his emotional state. I'd like to know if your spouses' ever expressed the same sentiments. Thank you.
I don't know if my husband is mad at the world. A year ago he was very depressed. I mistook it for my own depression, and who knows, maybe it was. As I worked myself out, he seemed to get better too.
Being in this group I know how lucky I am that most of the time I'm living in a pretty stable world. There are enough people here who are not living with any stability at all.
Strange, my husband was so angry this A.M.that he hit a jacket that was hanging in an open closet. Thank heavens it wasn't the door or me. When I asked him why he was so mad at me, his answer was I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the world. He also denies he has anything wrong with him, doesn't understand that he can't drive or that he can no longer stay home alone. But by acknowledging that his world is not how it used to be, I believe he is beginning to understand he has a problem and it is scaring him and making him angry. At daycare they tell me is on the fence, how I wish sometimes he would go over, maybe life would be better for both of us. This morning I just wanted to stop the world and get off.
It still is just mindboggling that they CAN seem to be relentless on remembering certain things like the driving or restrictions and loss of independence, but not anything else that is relevant to their lives or ours. day in /day out the obsessiveness over what matters to them and there are no issues with short term recall. amazing. divvi
My DH is not mad at the world. He is mad at himself and blames himself for this disease. He says over and over that he is so so sorry. It breaks your heart.
I know what you mean....even in the very end stage my husband would mouth the words "I'm sorry." I always reassured him that he hadn't done anything wrong and had nothing to be sorry for, but it was heartbreaking to know that somehow he felt responsible for my having to take care of him.
To tell you the truth, I believe if I were to become a victim of AD I would probably be one of the vocal ones, denying the truth and fighting with all my might to retain my personhood. So, I do understand the "being mad at the world" feeling.
Dear Joan: I think the best thing you did was to not extend his statement. You could have agreed with a hug & "I know, I don't blame you." Sometimes, we have to talk things to death with no resolution anyway. As Howe said, 'what is, is what is.'
I cannot say that this happened w/us, DH was always wanting to protect me --until he became violent, of course, but he didn't know what he was doing by then nor really who I was. But if I could have changed things, one would have been to know what was going on with him sooner, to be able to 'be there' for him and I feel bad that he chose to go thru this alone for so many years w/out sharing his fear and anguish. I appreciate what he did--it did make it easier on me--it was easy for me to attribute his actions to stress, depression, whatever, but, oh, how I wish he'd have let me in--altho there was nothing more I could have done, other than to have more understanding and give more love and comfort.
My AD husband had said for a few years he had AD and I kept telling him no, he was just like everybody else at forgetting things. I didn't want to believe it and there was no history in his family, so I just shrugged him off. Finally, he did show symptoms and we went to a Neuro and it took 2 or more years to get a diagnosis. They just weren't sure what to call it.
My DH has moments where he clearly knows what he has and will talk about it and the next day will be mad that anyone thinks he has it. It is like a roller coaster. I have learned to not bring it up unless he does, if he does, he usually wants to talk about a new symptom he has but he is sure is not because of the AD. His biggest fear, he tells me, is that no one will remember him and will just remember what he becomes...I have tried to reassure him that I will never let that happen. SOmetimes I feel mad at the world that this disease has to be out there attacking our loved ones.
“Our” symptoms started about two years ago. Biggest unavoidable symptom was being fired from 3 nursing jobs in 8 months. (It’s not good to want to give a patent their medications multiple times after you just gave them) This year I connected with the California Alzheimer’s Disease Program and got a diagnosis of MCI.
She is still fully self care and drives safely but is basically unemployable. We were a married professional couple with no children. She had always paid her own way, in 20 years of marriage we always split the bills but never had any joint bank accounts. She prided herself in her excellent credit and really liked paying the bills. :-)
About a year ago I saw that she had placed $250 on the charge card buying absolute crap from telephone sales people. She had also paid the electric bill twice but did not pay the gas bill. All this prompted me to take away all her access to money. (The accounts are still open but no checkbook access, the credit card is on security hold and Lifelock is on her credit) I expected a real fight to do this! (like Sid not driving) However she has very calmly accepted this and has NEVER complained.
In fact as we went through the Dx process it was ME who became angry and depressed NOT HER. I wanted her to fight back. I wanted her to try harder, use memory cues and seek (or attempt) another type of work. Instead she is very happy to stay home and play housewife.
Strangely as time goes on she has actually become MORE loving and understanding. She had an ugly angry/jealous/stubborn side before the disease but strangly that is going away. (Thankfully for now)
This is of course nothing in comparison to what I know I can expect in the future. But because of all your advice and experience on this board I have been able to release MY anger and begun to cherish these years to perhaps develop some memories that perhaps I can someday survive on.
Thank you fellow spouses for helping me prepare for “our” future.