HiAll, it has been a long time since I posted. Husband has been to a neurologist and has been diagnosed with alzheimers. My concern is he has not been able to perform intercourse for a few years now. Even before the CHF, diabetes and alzheimers. We are seeing a doctor to help with this (at his insistence) and are having a little success. The problem is he talks to everyone about what he cannot do, what he wants to do and what he hopes to do. Smoetimes in detail. his children ask to have a meeting with me the other day and all three had the complaint that they do not want to be around him because he turns every conversation to sex. The girls think he is an pervert, the boy seems to understand some what. Have talked to him about this before and thought I had him understanding he can not talk like that around other people but he is doing it again and people feel uncomfortable and don't want to be around him. We see the doctor Nov. 21, 2008 and he is going to order (I hope) counseling. Also his neurologist is going to talk to the family doctor (who is who we are seeing) and I think recomend some medication. How do you get them to understand that this is part of his type of alzheimers? I need to keep him away from the girls especially because I do not trust them to handle the situation with love. His son was supposed to come over tonight and talk to him about thow they feel - he never showed up or called. I would like to tell them all to go jump but husband seems to want a relationship with them.
Since the diagnosis is Alzheimer's, the sexual talk is part of the disease. No amount of discussing it with him will have any effect except to get you upset. You need to have a serious discussion with the children to help them understand that he is not a pervert, but has a serious disease. The family doctor may be able to help, both with medications and in talking to the kids. With others, outside the family, you should get a card (available from the Alz. Assoc. or make one on your computer) saying "My husband has Alzheimer's Disease. Please be patient and understanding". Then hand a card to people he comes in contact with.
Thanks for the suggestions, will see about making cards. Not sure if talking with his girls will do any good. but i am a tough bird, do not give up easily. So glad I found this site.
There are several threads here about that same subject. Do not under any circumstances leave the girls alone with him. He is not in control of his thoughts or his actions. I attempted to talk to my DH about his inappropiate comments and actions and finally realized I was wasting my breath. The cards work wonders but no one wants to come to our house anymore b/c "he is a loaded cannon, you never know what he will say". I thought he was finally calming down when last week while we were at lunch with his best friend, he made a very crude comment to me so loud that the rest of the diners and the staff just stared. His friend said," I cannot believe I just heard that" I said welcome to my world!!!!!!! Needless to say his friend of 30+ years is now avoiding him. Welcome to the site you are among friends here.
Counseling at this point is useless. they dont retain enough of whats being said or comprehend that they have a terminal disease. whether or not his dr recommends counseling you should be wary about that as discussing things rationally just serves no purpose. as far as the kids like the above posts, THEY need the counseling to understand the ramnifications of what the disease does to the brain and realize their dad has no real control over what he says or does. discuss this with his neurologist and see what he suggests, sometimes meds may be in order to help him thru this phase. divvi
gafs, all three of your children (adult children??) need to get educated about their father's disease. It is possible that all three of them are in denial, or they might just be undereducated about what is actually going on. Certainly I had no idea about any of this stuff before my husband got sick, so I understand why others also do not.
My own situation is so different. My daughter went and got herself educated totally separately from me. When my therapist told me to go and talk to her about the end of life decisions I was beginning to make for him, it turned out that she knew as much as I did and totally agreed with all of the things I had been hiding from her.
The entire sexualization thing is a symptom early on in the disease. It doesn't last, but while it is going on it can drive you nuts. Get yourself educated, have that family conference, and include some of the really hard stuff that is going to be coming up before this is over. In the face of knowing that you won't be treating things like pneumonia, dealing with his talking about sex in situations that aren't appropriate tend to lose its ability to hurt people. If your children are 12 or over being honest about what is going to be happening is very important.
If your daughters are adults, I wouldn't worry about leaving him alone with them. If they are still children or teenagers, that is a different story.
If you think his children would be more impressed by articles they can access on the internet, I found a few you might consider passing on, depending on the level of detail you think appropriate:
Also, I have some references that discuss meds that have been used successfully to treat aggressive hypersexuality in dementia patients. I can email those to you, if the doctor would be interested.
Before my husband was diagnosed with AD, he asked his doctor for the blue magic pill. I was upset because he was already on so much medication for his heart. He took it one time - it did the job it was supposed to. But, his face was purpley blood red for about 24 hours. I went to his doctor alone and told him I did not want him to take it and the doctor told me not to worry, that it was very important to men and it was ok to take it. I don't have a medical degree, but I didn't agree with the doctor - I figured anything that had that obvious effect on him was not what I wanted for him. We changed doctors and the blue pills went down the toilet. (I have read since then not to put meds in our water system.) But he doesn't appear to be interested in sex for years now, especially since he has been diagnosed with AD.
Thank you all for your comments, it helps to know I am not the only one. His children are adult age, my children are adult also and have no trouble understanding what is happening. Went to the doctor and he had a five minute talk with DH about not talking about sex around people. Said if he continued he would have to order counseling. Basicelly did nothing! Called his nuerologist and left a message about the doctor visit. He is going to write the family doctor and tell him DH needs to be on meds and behavioral counseling with someone who deals with dementia patients. Hope he does it soon. My husband is still driving (daytime/local only) and he is going to his childrens houses to visit. That is when the talk is happening. Even found out he went to see his exwife and her husband. We have been married for 32 years and he did not like being in the same room with her. If it doesn't stop I think I may need to take the vehicle away from him and that will be world war three. His memory is still pretty good so "losing" the keys would not work. any suggestions would be considered.
The best story I heard about taking away the keys is someone who filed down the car key on her husband's key chain so it no longer worked (I'm sure a hardware store that made keys would know how to do it). That way he got to keep his keys and she just kept saying something vague about having to get the car fixed.
I don't have any wisdom about the sexuality issue but I do want to say I was sexually abused as a young teenager by a 90+ year old grandfather, so be careful.
Hi All, things have been going fairly well around here. My DH son is supposed to come over tonight and have that talk. Will see if he shows up.I hope he does so we can get it over. Have found out DH has a lot of X rated dvds and magazines. If son comes over may approach DH about getting rid of the X rated stuff. That sure if not helping the issue. Nuerologist is going to write family doc about meds and therapy for DH. Hope that happens soon. Was hoping to have this taken care of before Thanksgiving. The idea about the keys or doing something to the vehicle would not work for me. DH used to drive part time for NAPA and deliver car parts so he knows a lot of mechanics. They work on his vehicle for cost and they would look at it for nothing. This may sound awful but I kind of wish his defibrillator would go off and he would black out like they say he would, they I could stop him from driving. Defib has never gone off so far, pacemaker works about 70% of the time. No one ever thinks about what can happen in amarriage. When we got married I knew that one of us might get sick but I never considered having to deal with CHF (10% of heart working, 18% ejection rate) diabetes, sleep apnea and alzheimers, especially all at the same time. It helps alot to have this site, can talk to my daughter, but she is a control nut and always tries to fix things. Somethings you cannot control you can only deal with. Have a great day all and keep posting.