My father just moved to an ALF a week ago, and my mother is still living at her home, now alone. She is concerned about her first visit to see him. She was told to stay away for 2 weeks, and she understands this reasoning, but he did not know her at home at the end, and she is wondering if she should act like his wife when she visits or just be a friend. Any suggestions from those who have been through this with a spouse?
What are some of the good ways you have ended conversations when you are ready to leave? We hear that saying goodbye may not be the best idea because the loved one will want to leave too. She is trying so hard to do what is best for him.
I feel so bad for my mom. While it is hard on me, it has to be even harder on her since he is her spouse of 55 years. Thanks for any advice I can give her. I tried to get her to visit this site but she hasn't yet and so I decided to see if I could get some advice for her.
When I visit my husband I just get up and go when it is time to leave. That was difficult at first because it felt sneaky and rude. He didn't remember who I was when I was there and didn't realize I had gone. The monster has him.
Two weeks seems like a long time. When I put my husband in a facility, I was told a week but to call as depending on his adjustment it might be less or more than that. I was able to go see him in two days.
My husband still knows that I am someone in his life. I just treat him like I would normally - kiss him hello, ask him how he is, etc. He doesn't talk much anymore but I know that he has an awareness of what is going on around him. When it is time to leave, I tell him I am going back to work or need to go let the dogs out to pee and I will be back in a bit. This seems to work for him.
He has now been in three different places. My hat is off to him as he adjusted better to the changes than I did.
Actually, she had been told that 2 weeks was a short period of time, and some had suggested 3 weeks, but we thought that was just pushing it. Thanks for the suggestions on how to leave. I will pass these on. She has caught on that she can't just tell the truth any more, and that is a big adjustment. She has to say what will make him more comfortable.
I do know what you mean about the monster having him. What a wicked disease.
I was told a week for Andrea, and we played it by ear. I think I did stay away a few days, and I felt awful. There is a thread somewhere about this, I remember saying how I felt that I worried that she would think I abandoned her.
When I went to visit, I was cheerful and greeted her as if nothing had happened. (Everything will depend on how far gone they are.)
I sat down on the couch, I hugged her and said hello. She was happy to see me, then grew dark. She said, "You did this to me. I can't believe you did this to me. You know what you've done."
That was it. She never said anything like it again, and never referred back to it or explained it. It chilled my blood, and to this day I feel absolutely awful about it. It was like she had perfect clarity for just those few awful awful seconds. She was right. I knew what I'd done.
The only thing that keeps me from being depressed is knowing that I was right to do it. Unfortunately, being right isn't all it's cracked up to be.
So be prepared...be prepared for some anger. I can't blame her, but I can't blame me either.
I think that is the reasoning behind my accepting all the distasteful and complicated issues that can go along with keeping them at home. Even the dread poop patrol and countless hrs without solid sleep,seems easy to me when i think of what it would take for me to drop him off at a facility and then turn and leave and have to accept it was for his 'own good and mine'-yes bluedaze it HAS to be the hardest decision -divvi
divvi-safety and violence can be the deciding factor. Bill's "home" provides safety and more stimulation than he would have otherwise. They just aquired their own therapy dog-a lovely black lab who I think will make the residents happy. I was there when she arrived and she went up to everyone to shake hands. As for me-I am so lonely and hurt sometimes I just don't want to go on. I am sure it makes no difference to Bill where he is. Thank goodness I have a wonderful, supporting and understanding family. Thanksgiving will be hard.
Nora, here is a big hug ((HUG)) - I've had you in my prayers and will continue to do so.
I know that I will where you are someday soon, and I am dreading it so much. I hope having your family around you will help ease your pain, and I extend that wish for the others who have also had to place their spouses.
yes- of course; uncontrollable safety and violence issues would be immediate cause for placement-but even with rational reasons i know it still doesnt ease the pain upon the one doing the placing. i agree- most AD patients are fine where they are placed and its the burden on the one left behind that never ceases-holidays are stressful for so many here= bluedaze- from you posts i can hear your pain, saddness, and anguish over your losses more than most who have had to place them. extra hugs and a special warm pat on the back for you during this time and the many here who are having a hard time..divvi
Well, thanks for your help in this matter. My DM went to visit for the first time yesterday, and it went remarkably well. He did not ask to leave. He commented that the people there were very nice and everybody got along well. Most of his conversation didn't make sense, and sometimes he didn't know who my mom was, but he did call her Love at one point, so that was awesome.
He was clean and seems to be adjusting. He did not ask to leave. She felt it was about the same type of conversation they would have had at home, so she was pleased with that. Some things made sense, and some didn't but that will continue to happen. She took him lunch, and he ate everything, and she will be going back to see him today.
The suggestions you gave on how to leave were a big help.
I only have my own experience to comment on; I was told when I placed my husband in the nursing home (1st one and terrible) that I waa to stay away for awhile also so I did . I later found out from the nurses records that he thought he had been abandoned and went from door to door trying to get out crying,"Where is my family?" Why have they left me here? I want to die, I want ato kill myself" From then on, (I had to place him in another NH before he was put in the one he is in now) I stayed with him all day for a week until he became assu red I had not abandoned him. I think the staff urges a relative to stay away because it is easier on them , they thinkthe person will forg et, but I think it is traumatic because the relati ve is at the moment, the only constant he/she has .They are emotionally fragile and need all the reassurance they can have to survive being once again put w ith stran gers.
Carewife, i tend to agree that i could never just 'stay away' for adjustment if i had to place DH. in my opinion a transition period in the NH with both of us together til he became used to it and was not fearful of his surrounding would be how i would approach it. i would also use this approach in a daycare facility first as well. we tend to go this route with preschoolers and have been taught its best to walk out and let them adjust. i think for children they find solace in entertainment and other kids right away. but with AD and being unable to connect new surroundings and new faces in MY (i stress my)opinion would be detrimental to my DH's wellbeing knowing how attached he is to me. of course this is my own opinion here and many will tend to disagree and thats all well and good. i guess we tend to find individual ways to solve the issues. divvi
My husband's multiple placements did not go well. On the days I visited I would get a call that night that he was off the wall. When I forced myself to stay away all was well-better at least. Sadly for me he all too soon forgot me and for the past year has not known who or what I am. The monster has him.
carewife, your husband's situation when placed is heartbreaking. I feel, like divvi, that it would be reassuring to my DH to have me there until he is adjusted. The difference may be having to get violent behavior under control before the person is visited by family...like in bluedaze's case. If that were the case, I don't think I would want to be there until they got him under control.
It sure does all sound like dealing with nursery school/swimming lessons for kids, etc. Stay away and they won't want to run to you! But I think here is where you have to insist that you know your spouse best, and do what you think is best. First of all, part of the reason with preschoolers is you don't want 'contagious crying' and ALL of them yelling for mom. This isn't the case with nursing homes (I don't THINK!). And secondly, you are much more responsible for your spouse, and know him/her better, than the n.h. people. Your voice carries more weight there than at an organized preschool. I have no idea what I will do if the time comes.
One of the things we had to do was not visit late in the afternoon. She would get all hard to deal to with if we stayed too late, kind of like it was hard to wind down. But we came and left by lunch, she did a lot better at night.
I placed my husband 2 years ago and have visited him almost every day since. I was not told to stay away for any length of time and I did not. I had to know that he was OK and well cared for. When I leave, I just tell him I have to go back to work and I will see him later. He never challenges me but of course he does not know me. Some days are harder than others but we are managing.