I'm a little ahead of schedule tonight. I have posted Thursdays blog this evening because I have to be up early to attend a conference pretty far away.
Please log onto the home page and read the blog about my visit to a care facility that left me quite shaken.
Oh, don't forget - if it doesn't show up, refresh the page.
Thank you. I'll check in Thursday morning before I leave.
Putting your spouse in a facility is like dying. It is admitting that your life will never be the same and you will be alone forever. You will never have unconditional love again.
I opened up this site first and will certainly read your blog, Joan.
I've made no serious visit to a facility but when I did go to ask about caregiver support and the receptionist assured me that its best to 'place them' earlier rather than later, I nearly threw up. In thinking about that time, DH was in mid-stage 4 and DRIVING. That was nearly two years ago. Anyway, I look forward to reading about your 'facility' visit.
Since my LO has been in the seniors care unit and we've only been able to see him a few short minutes once a day an hour away, I just recieved a phone call they want me to place him in a skilled nursing home until he is a little stronger. I don't know the difference between a skilled an a regular nursing home. All I know is this He will not be home for Thanksgiving and maybe not for Christmas. I am heartbroken.I can not imagine him being in a home for the holidays.....This week has been the longest one of my life it is hard to imagine this from now on.God give me strength.
Oh my goodness, Nanapapa,I'm so sorry, but my dad had to be in a skilled nursing setting, which meant they need more direct nursing care and attention. Others here will be able to tell you more, I'm sure. I do know that I felt BETTER about my dad's care in a skilled unit than in the general nursing home population.
At last a thread I can respond to. Since my husband has been in a nursing home for 6yrs and 3 months I feel as though no one is "there " for me anymore. It is sort of like"so what else is new". Anyone had that feeling yet? But putting that aside, we (my husband and I) could not have found a better place for what was to be his next "home away from home". We visited several in our area-all of which he rejected. But when we visited the state veterans home and after touring it he said "this is where I want to come", it was as though a hugh load was lifted from my shoulders. He had made the decision, not me. And even though I drive 21/2 hrs. to see him(now just once a month since he doesn't know me and responds very little), I have never once had to regret his choice. He gets excellent care (I am a retired nurse so I can tell), the staff are always considerate, polite and caring towards both of us, the charge nurses call at the slightest change, and there is no odor!!!!! Regardless of what day or time I visit, I have yet to find him unclean.Our son who is a physio therapist tells me " You couldn't have found a better place, mom". My prayer for all of you out there (who are dreading the day and still searching) is that you would be as blessed.
Joan do your homework. A pretty facade although pleasant means nothing to AD patients It must be a mission and it cannot be done overnight although you do want to visit the facility at all hours yes any hour. If a facility is worth it they will welcome visits at all hours. Tell them you want to see what is being done to safeguard physically the sundowners and those who walk or wheelchair around in the middle of the night not just the locks on the doors to keep them in. Visit starting an hour before mealtime. Watch the interaction with the residents when they are yelling "I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day, please bring me some food" Eat with them in the dining room see what happens when the trays are late coming from the kitchen. What do they do if the resident doesn't like the food, do they have other meal choices even like PB&J. What do they do with the residents when meal time is over. Shove them in the hallway, take them back to their room, take them to the social room. What activities are planned for the day and early evening. Don't just look at what is planned but be there do they interact with those who's AD has wrapped them in the EVIL FOG How many hugs do the residents get? Are they called by name? Are they treated with the utmost respect? At the nurses station overhear if possible what a family member just requested. "The wheels on her chair have had food on them for over a week" "How is Mom adjusting to her new medication?" "Can I see his chart"
Dear Joan: I well remember sitting on the couch w/my son & daughter, telling them I had just taken Dad to the doc, he was having some memory problems, but nothing to worry about. He was still driving, really just fine, and I said I'd take care of him, be his memory, we'd just go on with out little lives now that he was retired & I quit my volunteer job. It's not like he has to be in a facility, or anything like that. We'll be OK, I assurred them. But way, way down deep in my core one little cell was throbbing, 'you'll place him if you have to, you know you will.' We were just fine for several years, altho I kept searching for 'something' and there wasn't anything, this was even before Aricept. But each day came & went, he declined, I adjusted, kept searching, and I rarely, if ever, thought about placement. It finally came to a head when I had a ruptured appendix and it had to be. But all that time I was consciously in denial, and when you're in denial, you really know what the facts are, but you just shut them away--you don't have to take them out and look at them every day. Don't go back to visit anyone!!! You have other obligations to yourself, you have nothing to prove. Protect yourself, choose moments of happiness over obligations. One day you can go look at 2 or 3 places & put your name in so you'll be assured of a place, and then don't think about it. Let each day come & go, don't give any of today's time away to something that may or may not be in the future.
Sandy, like you I found a good home for my husband, and it is the VA home in my city. He is in the dementia ward and has lived there now for almost 5 yrs. I agree with Jenene, and she has given you some good advice in researching the nursing facilities for your man. But after the logistics and facts for placing your loved one are utilized you still have the horrible truth that he is being put in a place that is unnatural and completely "unreal" in your thinking. I sometimes look at films of our life several years ago and think that we at that time had no inkling of the path our future would be like. He is there and I am here, I say to myself and it is almost more than I can bear. I am finding it more and more difficult to visit him as it hurts so very much when he doesn't know me, he is sitting in his wheelchair with his head drooping down and oblivious to the world around him. I look and look for something familiar about him; any mannerism or look that is reminiscent of his personality but there is nothing there anymore. It helps not to dwell on the reality of our lives now and to live in the present, not borrowing new woes. I go by the phrase "It is what it is" and have managed to build a life alone as long as I don't go to the inner life and mourn for what was and will no longer be.
I visited the local Senior Citizens Center to sign us up - not even close to a nursing home setting. They serve lunch and have activities. The Center is in a nice area, beautiful building and grounds - clean and attractive.
I worked in Mental Health in my career and loved working with the elderly and infirm - no one else wanted to work with them. Also, for years I took communion to the people in ALFs, Hospitals and Nursing homes in our area. It was a service that I loved and looked forward to.
When I recently went to the Senior Citizens Center, I saw scenes that I have seen many many times before - people drooling, staring off in space, etc. I was shocked and horrified that WE are at this "stage" in our lives. I couldn't get out fast enough and drive away.
Reality is a little hard to face. I will be going back, but I need to gear myself up for it. I was so surprised - and ashamed - at my reaction. I was really looking forward to going and having my husband be with other people.
Life is teaching me a lesson and I have to be a better student.
I have to ask how you were able to get your DH in a veterans facility. I just went to a meeting where a rep from the VA spoke and basically he said VA doesn't have long term nursing home facility. they look for placement in a local home and possibly supplement at 50%.
we are no were near the need at this point but I'm told to plan ahead.
dagma-when I first started looking I thought I had all the time in the world. The facility was open, warm and friendly. There was a plain, locked door and behind it was hell. Poor souls with lifeless eyes sitting in gerichairs and drooling. No way was I ready for that. In too short a time my husband was behind the locked door and gone from this world. How can someone be functioning one day and be in purgatory the next?
Jodjj, My husband is in a state veterans home. I think that makes the difference. I know none of the fed. veterans home take LTC patients. The state home has an Alz. Unit . When they no longer wander or are a threat to other residents, they move them to other units. When we applied they said there was a waiting list of 3 months, however he was accepted within two.
I have been staring at this topic since Joan put it up...it is so close to me right now, it is difficult to express my thinking. On Monday, I will be placing my husband in an Alzheimer speciality care unit. It is breaking my heart, but it is a choice I made that doing it now, while I have options, is better than waiting for a crisis-driven decision. In our area, there are limited speciality facilities with long waiting lists at times. This is what I wanted for him, with trained staff and a philosophy of gentle care, doing all they can to manage behaviors without drugs if possible. I have thought and rethought this decision...I think waiting for a crisis may have had some advantages (maybe less guilt?),but it also would have had some down sides.
Doctors have told me he will actually adjust easier at this point (mid-stage 6). For his sake, I am hoping he will be able to make some connections with staff...I think it can make a difference when he gets worse if the staff truly care and have known at least a little of his personality. But it means having others be the "important" people in his life, rather than me. That isn't easy. I face Monday with dread, reasonably convinced it is the right thing to do for him, but terrified that he will be scared and feel abandoned.I wish there was such a thing as a truly good option; actually, I wish he could just be better!
Dear Marge: Been there, done that, cried buckets, it broke my heart. I can only tell you that I am standing with you, I know it is only cyberspace, but hold onto me, you are not alone in this. Betty
Oh Marge: Yes the guilt is overwhelming at times and there is no good easy way but to deal with it. I was told Dont let anyone tell you how long to cry take as long as you need. It is so hard to visit leave him and come home to an empty house. Every nite I would cry myself to sleep in my king size bed. You will miss him terribly and understandable. it has been 3 months and I still have to cry when I tell people who ask about my DH. You know in your heart that this is for the best. The facility where my DH is could not be any better. The loving interaction just this past week with full moon and some residents were having a real tough time was remarkable. I find myself not only visiting with my LO but the other residents too. Now that I have been talking as best you can to some residents my Dh has been telling me about them on the days that I don't visit. He didn't talk to any other resident for months he said they have Alzheimers real bad and if you don't get me out of here I am going to be just like them.I tried to work full time and visit every day but it was taking it's toll on me physically I had to cut back. I don't have any special time I vary the times so that my Dh does not get into a habit of knowing I go only on such and such a day. There is no time frame to adjust to your different life style, no one can tell you how to grieve a spouse that is now living somewhere else. Just know that one day you will realize that today was not as bad as yesterday and more of them will come. We are here for all the support hugs by the hundreds and help when we can. As Betty said you are not alone we are just a second away for you to lean on us as we are all going through this together. Jenene
marge-it will get easier for your husband as he fogets what was. Of course it will get harder for you. Our husbands are in a safe place with more activity than they would have at home. That is the very best we can hope for.
Jodij: The home in our city is a state veterans home with a fairly new addition (2004) that is a dementia wing. I had my husband on a list for one year; when the wing was completed, they were able to place him in that wing. I understand there is now a waiting list for placement. As I understand there is preferential treatment for those indiciduals who were in the service during wartime. I am very pleased with the VA home. It is kept very clean, no offensive smell, he has CNA's who are very good to him, the food is appealing and nutritious. The only drawback is that it is located 45 miles from our home and it takes me appros. one hour to get there. They have a philosophy of environmental therapy, the least amount of drugs needed, and they keep me informed as to any change in his condition. My state is Missouri and we have seven state veterans homes that are run well. I am confident that my husband is getting the best nursing care that is available and I can afford the money I must pay for his care.