I had a weird thing happen with my DH last night. The short explanation is that he is afraid that after he dies and I have him cremated and I get a new man that I will throw his ashes out. Or put them somewhere other than in my home. He reminded me that I promised that I would always keep him with me. Now try reasoning that one out with them.
We have always planned to both being cremated and keeping the other at home. We have both said that we did not want to get another partner and would rather spend time alone or with our children and grandchildren.
Last night, while having a bad night, he asked me what I would do with him if I got a new man. I should have laughed it off; I should have lied, or done anything but try to give a reasonable answer. My answer was that he knew that I had no intention of getting another man. As he pushed for an answer, I responded that if I did get another man and the other man had a problem with me having DH's ashes at home that I would need to figure something out. I told him that I had no idea what that would be, though.
Wrong answer. He cried, slept in the basement, cried this morning, said that he can't believe that I would just "throw him out," never thought that it would come to this, etc. By noon he was much better but I could not believe his reaction to such a mild conversation. I'm sure that because it is now an issue that it will come up from time to time. And this is from someone who is still very close to the "normal" side of things. The ultimate closeness.
How sad. I guess the only thing I can think of is to reassure him how very much you love him, and you don't ever want to be parted from him, and that you will keep his ashes with you no matter what.
Or, maybe, is there some place that's very, very special to the two of you? Where you go hunting or something like that? Perhaps you could tell him that you've been thinking the best way to keep him close to your heart is to sprinkle his ashes there, where he'll become part of the trees and flowers, and you can go there when you need to feel close to him.
If Sunshyne's suggestions don't work, maybe the short term memory loss will take effect, and he'll forget what you said. Or you can just say that "I'll keep you with me as long as I live" without saying "in my heart" and that way you will be honest, and put his mind at rest....maybe. It's just to give him ease.
To be honest this would make me quite distressed too and i dont think i have AD:) i would want someone to lie if they had to and say they would keep me forever or bury my ashes with them when the time came..i agree that is very sad he is fixated on this topic. divvi
Some people keep the ashes until the other dies and combine them before placing them somewhere. Can you do a visual for him so he can understand that. My husband is also afraid I will get another man even before he dies, so I don't even suggest the possiblity because he would dwell on that forever just like your husband.
He mentioned before that he could be buried in my garden. At the time, we joked that I could also include the ashes from our two dogs that we had cremated.
All morning, I assured him that he would always be with me. I think he is just scared of being alone. Sunshyne, good suggestion about the hunting spot. I'll keep that one in mind.
Mary, also the "in my heart" idea will work for me and he can think that it is "on my heart." Ha ha.
My husband went through and evening saying he was going to die soon a year and a half ago. At that time, I looked at him and asked him if he wanted me there when he did die. I could see his whole body relax when I asked the question and he said "yes". I promised him that if I could, I would be there for him.
With our age difference (23 years), I don't know where I will be when I die so I am putting him with his sister and brother-in-law so he won't be alone. He was comfortable with that one. This is one that is more for my comfort as I had a hard time with the idea of leaving his ashes alone for many years.
Mary - I agree with your assessment that he is afraid of being alone. They tend not to forget something that is attached to a strong emotion for a long time - you may be dealing with this one a while. You could tell him you have been thinking about his question and feel you didn't answer it well when he asked it and your answer is......... That may be enough for him. If he is worried about being burried alone, putting the dogs ashes with him may help with that.
We reached a bit of an understanding, I promised that I would always keep him with me and safe, and he acknowledged that he was scared to think that he would ever be alone. He is happy today and working on a double batch of pasties to freeze and take hunting.
finally, unless something comes up that will cause stress or ranting, he and I will have a few calm days.
Thanks for your advice on the "promise to keep him with me." It really made the difference here.
We went through the "I'm going to die" phase. I hated it. She cried and cried, so frustrated and depressed.
Just tell them what they want to hear. It doesn't hurt anything. Tell them, "You let me know what you want me to do, darling, and that is what I will do."
My DD had a grandmother in law, a very sweet woman. The woman was terrified she would die, and her cat would be homeless. She wept a bit, and asked my DD through the tears if she would please, please take care of her cat. She just knew no one else could do it but my DD. Now, Tina is not a cat person as far as keeping them. Lots of allergies and such. But she would not for the world hurt this dear lady and cause her grief. She looked her in the eyes, and said, "I promise you, Mammaw, I will take care of the cat. He will be fine."
The old woman died happy and content her cat would be fine. And the cat is fine. Tina found him a nice home. She did as she promised; she took care of the cat. Prayers are answered, even if we don't know exactly how it will go. Tina said she'd do it all over again, even if she was asked point blank if she would take the cat. Making an AD person feel better is always the way to go. They have so little...let them have peace of mind.